Rising Rain

I lay quietly, listening to the sounds of the rain beating down on the metal roof of our apartment, broken by the occasional rumble of thunder in the black of the sky. The deep vibration seems to roll across the earth, settling inside my chest and syncing to the beat of my heart. It makes me feel alive, as if I'm finally existent in this world. The drumming of the rain becomes harder, faster- and with it, I feel a sense of peace settling over my shoulders, like a blanket of warmth, lulling me to sleep in your arms. Sluggishly I move closer towards you, seeking heat that lacks in the cold winter rain. Rain taps softly through the cracks in the roof onto the floor. The bed has been moved as far away as it can be from the holes, and blankets are stacked up on it, cocooning us together. I want to keep my eyes open, to burn the image of you into my mind, but weight settles upon them and they slowly fall closed. I feel blind as my hand gropes for yours. Even with my eyes shut, my mind stays alert, not wanting to forget this, to forget you.

There's the gentle touch of your skin against mine, almost like a ghost, as if you're scared to bring me into your embrace. Your hair tickles against my cheek. It's not soft or perfect-each strand is thin and wiry, bristling to the touch where the ends are split. I can feel the small slick of grease against your scalp- but then again, you never were one to care much for your appearance. I must have tried too hard, seeing as I never really fit the right mold. While you grew to be strong and unbreakable, my muscles became stringy and flexible, giving me a softer appearance. I feel so imperfect when I'm standing next to you, as if you bring out all my flaws. Though you constantly tell me not to worry about what others think, I can't help but worry about what you think. How could someone as beautiful as you love someone as ugly as me?

Somewhere behind the rain and thunder, the radio is playing softly, tuned to one of those sappy stations that play Celine Dion and Vanessa Carlton songs around the clock. But the music takes to the background in my mind. You take the foreground- you always have, even when you left me (and, my head continues to remind me, when I left you). I press the side of my head to your bare chest, so my ear is right over your heart. I can hear the shallow breath in your lungs, the throb of blood in your heart, sustaining you, keeping you alive. That is the most precious music I could hear.

My hands and arms find them entangled in your skin, wrapped around your limbs, and I try to even our breathing to the same pace. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. I grin against your body; I'm sure you feel it when you pull me closer. Your touches are soft, gentle, as if you're scared I'll break to pieces or bolt from your embrace. I intend to do neither, but sometimes it's inevitable. Slowly I open my eyes, gazing up into your face. I try to memorize the features, mapping them out in my mind. There's the small crook in your nose where I broke it while we were fighting, the small scar along your hairline you never told me about. There are so many things we never got a chance to say, to talk about, and maybe never will. I trace a finger along your strong jawline, roaming up to your chin where there's the tiniest bit of stubble. My hand slowly finds your lips, caressing them. A bit too thin to be called perfect, but unlike your hair, they're soft.

I don't have time to think before your mouth is on mine, kissing me with a passion I've missed for such a long time. But you're not too rough, scared of what might happen if you prod me the wrong way. I try not scoff at your precautions- I was never delicate, nor will I ever be; but you always treated me like a prized porclein doll, how could I expect anything different now? Your tongue traces my lips, slowly, as if you're savoring the texture, the taste. I kiss back just as slowly, parting my lips after a moment. My own lips are chapped, rough, and again I wonder how you could want to kiss lips like mine. I guess love really is blind- blind to age, gender, or distance.

I wonder how it has been possible for me to live without this affection, without you. With your hot breath in my mouth, the thought of leaving seems ludicrous. But the separation is inevitable. I am brought to the harsh reality that I only exist to you for a few more hours. The feeling on your lips on mine numbs- I realize I've stopped responding to your affection, and you pull away. I don't look up into your face, the shock sinking in like anesthesia. I will have to leave. I can't stay in your embrace forever. My body is numbed, hopelessness churning in my stomach. Unanswerable questions flit through my mind. How long until we can be together? Weeks? Months? Years? I finally glance up- your eyes reflect just how hopeless I feel, and I make a silent plea for forgiveness. I don't want to leave you, I never did, but I have, and I can't continue on any longer.

Your arms encircle me once more; relief flows through my heart. I know that one of these days you won't be able to forgive me anymore, sometime you'll be able to see through the blindness of your love for me, and realize it really was my fault- and you'll hate me for it. But for now I am content to keep up this facade and lay in your company. A sigh passes through my lungs, up my throat, releasing onto the air around us. "I..." I speak finally, having been too scared to break the silence before, but finding courage to offer you something. I stare up into the cracked ceiling, thinking of how to phrase what I want to say, watching rain drip down through the cracks, orange rust clinging to the sides. I intertwine our fingers together. Stripes of color hang in my palm- my tanned skin against your pale, moonlit shade. The difference is surprising, but complementary.

"I love you."

I can feel the words being pulled from the bottom of my soul, tugged up through my chest, heavily leaving my tongue. I meant them with all my heart, with every cell in my being. My eyes once again fall on yours- unshed tears shine there. You don't wipe them away, nor start to cry. Empathy wells up inside me. I can only imagine how hard this is on you. Though it is hard on me as well, you must go through daily pain, while I... I am free. It doesn't seem fair that you have to suffer, while I can only watch, as if through a window into your life.

Your hand touches my cheek- a feather-light shadow of the real passion in your eyes. Your mouth opens, and words tumble from your lips as if you can't get them out fast enough for me to hear. "I love you, too." The sheets rustle as you move closer to me, burying you face in the crook of my neck. This time, I'm not scared. This time I've finally said what I needed to say. And though I'm ready to leave, I don't want to. I want to freeze this moment in my mind, to remember it forever- your musky smell, the feel of your hands on my body, the sound of rain on the metal roof. I want to know the taste of humidity in the air, the taste of your mouth on mine, the creaking of the bed springs as you pull me tight. How long will it be until I can experience it again? How long until I return to senselessness, to reality? Warmth spreads through my body, and you hold me in your arms pulling me as tight as you can into your embrace, engulfing me with your delicious scent, almost crushing me with the passion in your grip-

I feel my atoms separate under the weight. The effect is painless, seeing as how the shell was never real in the first place, but all the same it hurts to watch my being body separate into nothing more than smoke, a shadow of what once was and what never will be. My molecules spin apart faster than I can keep up with, drifting into the air above you, surrounding you. I am rising up through the roof, into the rain, staring down at the building where you lie on our bed- alone. The sky is grey and clouded over, but my mind is sharp and clear, no longer burdened by the weight of a body. Cool air drifts through my entity, pushing me into the sky, past the overcast of clouds. The entire time, my eyes remain on that spot, the tiny spot where I left you behind, just one person on the entire planet. Just one person who makes up my past, present, and future.

When I can't see you or the building or the clouds or the Earth any longer, I turn my eyes to face the sun.

After all, as long as you keep living...

I never really die.

Written several years ago, uploaded and deleted since then. Unbeta-ed, as always.