I'm not hurting...
I know I can never be the first
I'm aware from the very first, I won't be the only one in his eyes.
I already guess it, the day will come when I'll be replaced.
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But why I need the rain to hide my tears?
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Never be the First
Disclaimer: All character in this story is comes from manga Pokémon Special.
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Rain falls hard to the earth since this morning. The water is the only one I can smell and I like it. It's refreshing and relaxing my mind. Makes me dozing off while staring outside the window for how many hours. The kitchen where I am now is dark, and not a sound but the rain can be heard. Not even my own breath.
I closed my eyes and lean my head to the window, feeling the cold glass against my cheek. The warmth from my body slowly replaced by the coldness that makes me shivering a bit, still don't have a will to move from the spot.
The sound of door open brings me back my day dreaming. I put my feet on the floor and feel the cold once again. I walk out of the kitchen and meet the person in the front door.
"Why is it so dark?" he said, while I only put a weak smile and a small answer,
"Because I feel like it."
He didn't say a word after that.
He just going upstairs to his room and close the door behind him, just like every day. I just watch him from downstairs without saying anything. I didn't even bother to call him for dinner. I just serve it at the table for him to eat later.
This is how we spent our days.
My name is Blue, and the man who lives in the same roof as me is Green Oak. We are engage for months right now, but our relationship is going cold. I'm not even sure if we'll really go to another stage in this situation. It's a bit surprise even; that we're not broke the engagement yet.
I walk up to my own room and close it behind my back, then lay down to my bed, staring at the ceiling.
"Must I still get a hold on this?" I whisper to myself as I lie on my side and play with the little ring on my finger. "Or must I let it go?"
Because it feels like this live not going anywhere. I know feels like I only put a burden on Green's shoulder because he's supporting me. I don't want him to feel obligated to stay with me, just because he was my friend. Sometimes I wonder, if his love to me is fake. Or is it pity?
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Ringgggg
A phone ringing from downstairs, and not so long after that, the sound of opened door opposite from mine can be heard. I guess Green take care of the phone now. I open my door as quietly as possible. I walk towards the stair slowly and sit down near it. I really curious who'd phone our house since nowadays people rarely do that.
"Sorry, my phone is low battery and I can't seem to find where the charger is." I can hear Green voice.
They talk a little while until Green become quiet for a long time. Thinking maybe he knows I'm here and waits for me to go, I slowly stand up and make a step forward. But his voice makes me stop right away.
"You know I'm tired living like this."
Me too...
Me too, Green...
If only you can say it to me and break our ties, I will let it go. I want to say it to him so bad. Without me realizing it, the tears rolls down my face. I walk to my room and stay there until the morning comes.
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The next morning I'm up and go to the kitchen to have a coffee. It's Sunday, so I guess Green still sleep in his room. But when I come into the kitchen, he's sitting there at the dining table with breakfast.
I sit in front of him when the other plate is served and mumbled thanks before began eating. Sometimes he'll do that. Doing stuff for her that know she didn't know if it's because he feel guilty that our relationship like this or because he still care for her.
We are eating in silent. Neither of us willing to start the conversation. I wonder when it's become like this. Before, it's either he feels uncomfortable and will force himself to speak a word or two, or it's me who'll insist to have a conversation.
He then stand up and put his plate on the dishes, without a word go back up to his room. I didn't mind. We didn't have anything to discuss right now anyway. But, when I'm doing the dishes, I can hear his coming down again. I see him walks towards the front door.
"Where are you going?" I ask.
"Out," is his only reply.
Usually I'll let him be. Going anywhere else he wants because I know. Even though he may doesn't love me, he's faithful. And even though he's in bad mood or anything, he's responsible and will stay safe. But something told me to follow him today.
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His mind seems like somewhere else since he didn't even feel the eyes that following him. He's in deep thought I'm sure, but I can't guess what it is.
I walk not far from him, not bother to hiding anymore. Maybe he just going for a walk, I thought. I feel so stupid to follow him just because I want to know his plan for the day.
I'm going to going back around when he stop walking and a girl not far younger than us stand before him.
They didn't seem too aware I am here or even anybody who walks around, because as the girl step forward and tiptoe to reach what I guess is my fiancé's lip, they didn't move from each other.
He didn't move. I can't see his face, and I don't want to know what expression he makes, at least I know that he didn't mind, because he didn't push her.
The girl's eyes slowly open and stare right into mine while her hand still around his neck. Upon realizing that her attention not toward him, Green turn around. He seems a little shock. And I can see a little guilt in his eyes.
He didn't say a word and neither I am. We stood there for a couple minutes that feel like forever.
I didn't scream at him. I'm not having a cat-fight with the girl either. I won't confront him and calling me names. And I'm not crying.
I only put a neutral face, and turn around so I can walk away.
I can see from the corner of my eyes that he talks something to her, that with a huft, she comply it. The next things I feel is someone grabbing my wrist, so I turn around and face him.
"So this is the end?" I asked.
The question that up until now only in my mind. Something that i want to ask for a long time. I finally can ask it right in front of him.
But he didn't answer it.
The rains start pouring again, just like tomorrow. But unlike tomorrow, I didn't stay. Unlike tomorrow, when my heart full of doubt. And Unlike tomorrow, I start running away.
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I keep walking as the rain pouring and makes my body drenched wet. Green didn't hold me back when I escape from his grip.
I can't go home right now. I don't have one.
I walk toward the bench on the edge of the footpath, and sit down. I feel something warm run down at my face. I know what is it, I'm not stupid. I just don't care and don't want to admit it.
I know it's only a matter of time when I will be left out again. Never should I get my hopes up to be the first at someone hearts. I'll be always a second. With my family, my friends, with everyone. I always know that I can't let myself complacent when people said I'm their only one, because it's not true. Never have I become the first option, and never will.
I'm just in self-pity. It's not like everybody hates me. I have people to support me and all, like ordinary friends.
So why I can't stop this tears? Even when I'm telling myself I'm not hurting?
May be I'm just want too much.
Sometimes, thinking makes me forget everything around me. I don't even realize that the rain fall harder than before, I just realize it when something shadowing me and the rain stop pouring at me.
"Blue?"
I lift my head and see a pair of worry red eyes.
"Hi, Red. What are you doing here?" I asked. He shakes his head,
"What are you doing here?" he asked me back. I only shrug my shoulder and he stays silent for a while.
"Hold this." He makes me hold his umbrella to keep us from getting wet, even though it's too late for me. He then takes of his jacket and put it around me, keeping me warm. I only stare at him when he put it on me.
"Thanks..." I said softly.
"You're welcome." He smiles, "Now, let get's you home."
He started to makes me stand up and brings me to my house, to Green's. So I try to stop him by pulling him back.
He stared at me for a second before cracking a small grin, "have a fight?" he said. But when I'm not answering or ranting like always when I have a fight with Green, his smiles gone.
"What happen, Blue?" He asked me.
"Let's talk later, Red..." I plead him. I'm tired and he can see this,
"You want to stay for the night?"
"Yeah..."
tbc