A/N: I keep thinking about how much Cuddy wanted a child, and just how much having Rachel in her life would have changed everything for her. We saw some of that in "5 to 9", here is a different perspective.
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My Heart
There is life here. In the sum of all its parts, the realm of possibility. A body lying warm beside me, small fingers curled, breathing steady. A life.
There is so little she couldn't do, or be. I can wonder if she will be more like her birth mother, or me. Maybe like her dad. But I know that even as she develops the traits of others she will be singularly, spectacularly and uniquely HER. Already her laughter is like no one else's. It's slightly coarse for so small a throat, and thoroughly infectious.
I want to fill up any gaps in her life with the slightly soggy putty of hugs and endearments. I want her to LIKE me.
She has become my world, the whole and centre of my existence. She is my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. The warmth of her small body against mine let's me know that everything is as it should be. It used to be that my world revolved around the hospital. Now it revolves around her. She is my life.
I think about my own childhood, troubles and trials, and think I can FIX that. I can make it so she has nothing to fear, nothing to pain her. I want to make her life so safe she can never be hurt. And then I wonder what I would be without my past. Who I would be? I have been made by my experiences. I have learnt so much of the world and the people around me through the times of trouble. Without pain, we cannot know compassion, and so I make my choice.
At the time when she needed me most I was there for her. If she needs me again then I will be there then too. I will stand beside her, and I will comfort her in pain. I will be there when she needs me and I will offer her what I can. But I will let her stand on her own two feet, and let her grow away. And one day, maybe, she will become a woman of strength and pride, who watches children and knows to give them space, to let them grow.
Until then she'll be my little girl, my little angel, the warm place in my heart, my Rachel Joy.
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