Note: This one-shot was written one year ago for the 2nd Annual Tricky Raven Author/Artist Silent Auction. As of April 7, 2015, Tricky Raven has kicked off their 3rd Annual Author/Artist Silent Auction. If you would like to bid on me or are curious, please check Tricky Raven out on Ning!
Author: ImaginaryHeartx
Pairing: Embry/Bella
Rating: M
Warnings: AttemptedSuicide, Death, Extreme Emotional Angst
Bidder: Mmsimpy09
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Just One Kiss
The jagged edge of the rock cliff pressed into my flesh. My feet dangled over the ledge. The gravity of the ocean below beckoned me to let go. Dirt and rock wedged between my fingernails as I leaned forward. Anxiety and curiosity flared in my belly as a ball of flapping butterfly wings. Gusts of wind pushed my hair away from my face while tears poured from my eyes. The salty scent of the ocean smelled of freedom – freedom from the pain that resided in my chest for one year now. If I leaned just a little too far, then maybe the blinding darkness inside of me would lighten. I might feel alive. I might feel something besides grief before the angry waves beating against the cliff swallowed me whole, taking from me the very life I lived. I wouldn't fight death. It would be a welcomed silence to the constant what-ifs.
What if I had been the one to jump first? What if Jacob would have waited? What if he had leaped a little further out? What if his leg hit the rock instead of his head? What if I hadn't suggested cliff jumping? What if I fell – jumped even?
What if I knocked on death's door?
Maybe on the other side, Jacob would be there to greet me – his hand outstretched and that sunny smile there to unthaw my frozen heart. He would whisper to me how much he missed me and how he hated being so far away, and I would tell him how every day I lived without him was like trying to breathe under water. Jacob would apologize for leaving me so suddenly, and I would tell him a million "I love you's" to make up for the year I had gone without saying them. Then we would cry, but not tears of sadness. Happiness would plaster itself on our faces as smiles, and glistening tears would dry up like droplets of rain in a barren desert. We would be together again with nothing but eternity ahead.
I pressed my palms into the dirt. Pieces of broken rock jabbed into the bones of my fingers. My thighs rose from the cliff, its edge no longer slicing into them. The bottoms of my feet settled against the smooth rock face. Lifting my bottom from the ground, I leaned forward more.
The view from my elevated position was glorious. Even through the ample amount of tears, the beauty of the setting sun on the Pacific was like looking into the eyes of God. The almost black water covered in tiny bits of white foam glistened a pinkish-orange as the sun fell beyond the horizon. Closer to the setting sun the violent waves were calm, barely moving enough to crest a frothy white before they disappeared only to resurface again a few feet from the bottom of the cliff. Sharp, jagged rocks broke the violent waves, splashing the salty water nearly half way up the eighty foot cliff.
That's where I wanted to be...at the bottom of the cliff atop the pointed rock that took Jacob's life. What a beautiful setting it would be for the one who would stumble upon my broken, lifeless body as the sun rose high in the sky. The memories of Jacob's accident would surely raise an eyebrow, and then when my body was identified, whispers of question would swarm La Push. A beautiful story it would be – one for the literature books.
My arms ached as they held my body up. The muscles began to quiver, and my elbows fell weak. The bend in my wrists throbbed due to the constant pressure of my weight. My feet pushed harder against the smooth rock allowing myself leverage for the plunge.
Thick humidity materialized as beads of dew. My skin fell damp and my heart raced in my chest as I peered out over the ocean. The sun hung low on the horizon, almost completely hidden behind the curved edge of the water.
That sight was the last I wanted to see.
It was the last Jacob saw.
I needed to experience every last moment he did. I needed to feel the pain of my skull crushing against the rocks below. I needed to inhale my last breaths of ocean water. I needed to feel the freedom of death.
I lifted my right foot as I stared into the setting sun, wishing to feel Jacob's arms encompass me. Then I lifted my left arm, and pushed a few strands of my wind-blown hair behind my ear – just as Jacob used to do. I relied on one arm and one foot to keep my body steady, but my heart relied on my shaking muscles to give out at any time and set me free.
Suddenly, my foot slid on the dew covered cliff. Chunks of rock bounced down into the violent waves I was sure to meet any second now. Peace closed the wounds in my heart and shielded my eyes as I felt my elbow bend under pressure. I tucked forward to ensure my fate would be the bottom of the cliff, and waited.
For a brief second, I fell and I was free. The wind blew across my face drying the tears gallantly flowing down my cheeks. I spread my arms, welcoming the fall as memories of watching Jacob do the same clouded my mind.
I could see his face, his smile, his black-brown eyes. I could hear his voice as he spoke my name, sending spirals of chills down my spine. I could feel his warm embrace, his soft flesh, and his quickening pulse.
For a moment, a mere split second, I was engulfed by Jacob Black again, and it was glorious. It was enough to allow me to want to release my soul from my physical body. Before I could, Jacob whispered in his honey-sweet voice, "I love you, Bells."
Just as quickly as the fall began, it ended. Jacob was gone again, and my soul returned when my midsection collided with two arms. My head snapped forward, and my legs fell back against the cliff. A torso slammed against my back as I was pulled in the opposite direction of my intended fall. The air in my lungs left with a thud and a whoosh. Anger replaced the anticipation of my death, and I swung my arms and legs trying to free myself long enough to plummet off of the cliff.
"Oh no you don't." A male grunted against me. He released one of his arms, pinning my flailing one to my side. "I've got you."
In rebuttal, I kicked my legs. The realization that my life had been saved hit me as he wrapped his legs over mine. Echoing sobs scratched through my throat, silencing the crashing waves below.
"Let me go," I cried.
"I can't do that, Bella."
"Let me be with Jacob, please." An endless supply of tears soaked my face.
The pain I had succumbed to and accepted as I chose death over life swallowed my very being. I was pain. I was death. I was loss. I was a years worth of memories. Then I felt the stranger's cheek against mine, sharing my tears.
"Please." I pleaded. "I can't do this anymore." From side to side my body began to sway. "Just let me go..."
"I won't do that." He whispered. "I won't let you kill yourself. I know you loved Jake. I did too, but, Bella, he's gone. You can't change that."
Gone.
Jacob was gone.
And I was still here.
That thought hit me like I was watching him die again.
A blood curdling scream ripped through my body. I felt whoever was behind me jerk and squeeze me tighter against himself. I began to fight again – fighting for my freedom to jump and take my life, but the man behind me had no inclination to let me do such a horrendous thing. So, for what felt like hours, I struggled to get free from his protecting embrace until my body no longer listened to what my heart told it to do. Utter exhaustion coursed through every inch of me until all I could do was rest against an unknown chest and cry.
Echoing sounds of the ocean and the rapid beat of the stranger's heart soothed my aching soul. I swayed with my enemy as he rocked me in his arms like I was a newborn. Slumber brought a darkness which encompassed me in a comatose cocoon.
I awoke late afternoon face down and covered in floral sheets. Beneath my head, a balled up pillow covered with orange cotton. My feet dangled over the side of the mattress, my toes touching the cold floor below. The wall to my left was bright red, and draped over the window above my head was a native woven blanket – black and green in color.
My head spun. My heart throbbed. My eyes were blurry.
All side effects from the sunset the night before, and my decision to try to take my life. A puff of regret floated from my heart to my brain, but only long enough for me to remember why I had wanted to die.
Jacob died.
A year ago.
The next beat of my heart sent a shock wave of anguish through my veins. I couldn't feel anything further than that thought before the door creaked open, casting a white light against the red wall.
"You awake?" I heard.
The voice sounded familiar and home-like. I knew my savior from last night. Embarrassment fluttered to my cheeks as heat and blush.
"Yeah," I answered. An ache in my throat formed just as my reply parted my lips. I remembered my blood curdling scream just as I realized I was saved. My hand clasped around my neck as I swallowed and the ache sharpened.
"I brought you some orange juice," he said as he stepped into the room. "Might help make you feel better."
Though the room was dark, the stranger who had saved me the night before was no longer a stranger. He was Embry, the tall, lean, and rough around the edges best friend of Jacob. He was the child of a single-mother, who spent more time drinking than she did with her son. And so, the once sweet little boy turned sour – breaking into buildings, wrecking cars, smoking endless amounts of weed, and being arrested for DUI's.
Embry slowly walked to the bed like he was afraid I was about to...commit suicide. His gray eyes were soft – tender almost – as they watched my every move. Concern was weaved into his forehead as a crease. His full lips were in a tight line, and he watched carefully as I slid up on the mattress.
Embry knelt next to the floor level bed, reaching me the glass of juice.
"How'd I get here?" I questioned.
"I carried you," Embry replied as though the mile walk with an extra hundred and ten pounds was as easy as blinking.
"Oh." I took the glass from his hand and brought it to my mouth before I hesitated.
"Drink up," he motioned with his hand.
"My throat's sore," I rebutted hoarsely.
"It'll help."
For whatever reason, I trusted Embry. Maybe it was because he saved my life the night prior, or because he hiked with me probably dangling over his shoulder for a mile. So, I took a drink and while it burned with the first sip, the soreness eventually numbed allowing me an opportunity to question him about the events after I collapsed.
"What do you mean you carried me?"
"I carried you." Embry stated. His body turned as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"From the cliff to where?"
"My car."
"Where was your car?" I wondered.
"Parked next to yours."
"Is that why you stopped?"
"Yeah," Embry whispered. "It was getting late. I saw your car and figured I'd make sure you got back to it okay. Those trails at night are a pain in the ass."
I nodded. "But I'd been up there a lot."
"Didn't know that."
"Jacob never told you he took me up there?"
"Nope."
"Oh."
"You done?"
I thought I may have offended him with my patronizing questions, but then he motioned to my almost empty glass of orange juice.
"Oh, uhm, yes."
Embry reached for the glass, his fingertips grazing mine as he did so. His eyes fluttered up and he swallowed roughly. Something profound settled on his tongue, but he was unable to allow the words to fully form. I saw him try a few times – the tip of his tongue touching his bottom lip. Nothing came though. Instead of the comment he wanted to make, Embry gently shut his mouth and pressed his lips in a straight line. A puff of air left his lungs through his nostrils and he nodded his head.
I watched as Embry stood from the mattress, his attention never leaving me for a moment. Before he made it all the way to the door, he stopped and turned slightly. A black shadow etched on his face. Contrasting the dark shadow was the bright white light coming from outside the room which illuminated his strong Native American features – high cheek bones, full lips, dark set eyes, a broad nose. If I stared long enough, I could see the resemblance between him and Jake.
"Stay as long as you need to. There's clean towels in the bathroom, and I put some sweats and a t-shirt in there."
"Thanks, but I don't really feel like..." I began to explain.
"I didn't ask if you wanted to. I was telling you where things were," Embry firmly stated.
I closed my mouth, stopping the formation of words on my tongue and nodded my head.
The following two nights, my broken heart eluded sleep. Pools of tears soaked into the orange cotton pillow case under my head until dawn, when I finally succumbed to exhaustion. Each evening, I awoke to Embry bringing me a glass of orange juice. A simple conversation was had, mostly about how I felt.
I had foregone the shower at first offer, but after two days lying in bed in dirt covered clothes, I felt nothing short of disgusting. My hair was matted to the side of my head, and I was sure mascara was smeared down my cheeks. So, before my third glass of orange juice was offered, I pulled myself out of the floral sheets and through the door.
I must have startled Embry. He jerked his head in my direction as he poured a glass of orange juice, causing the carton of juice to move and spill onto the small two-person dinning table.
"Sorry," I apologized.
"I wasn't expecting you to be up," Embry's eyes fluttered over my appearance. I expected him to laugh, instead a sadness fell upon his face, which pulled at my heart strings a bit. I wanted no one else on the Earth to feel the sadness I felt.
"I figured I'd give the shower thing a go." My voice was still a bit raspy from my screams on the cliff.
Embry nodded.
"My clothes are wrecked. Are there still some sweats I can wear?" I tried to smile, but my lips didn't move.
"Yeah. Still on the counter," Embry pointed to his right toward what I assumed was the bathroom.
The second time I tried to smile was far more successful than the first. My lips moved, but the corners still felt as though they were weighted down. Luckily, with a little more effort, something resembling a half-smile pushed at my cheeks. That tiny smile, cleared a bit of darkness from my eyes. Only then did I really see Embry.
Concern leaked from his eyes. Question flooded his mouth. Readiness for my next leap tensed in his long limbs. The loss of his best friend weighted his soul. A maze of walls built from the past he seemed eager to forget.
"Thank you," I glanced away, shame written across my face, "for, you know, saving me back there."
"Don't mention it," he answered politely and nonchalantly as though I couldn't see the lack of tenseness in his muscles, "I was only doing what anyone else would have done."
I snorted. "Who else would have hiked a mile during twilight hours to see if someone could make it out safely?"
"Point." Embry laughed. "There's not many I'd do that for."
"Why did you..." I bluntly asked.
"Well," he brushed his palms on his jeans and glanced toward the floor, "You're... you were...back in the day Jacob always asked me to watch out for you when he wasn't around. He knew I didn't mind to whip some ass if I needed to," Embry shrugged, "Now's no different."
The mention of Jacob's name stabbed right through my chest like an ice pick through a glacier. Sadness must have fallen across my face as the pain in my heart radiated, because when Embry looked up, his eyes fell dark.
"I didn't mean to upset you." Embry apologized.
"You didn't." I breathed. "It's just...the memories. They're hard to deal with."
"Yeah," he agreed.
In the shower, I washed away the residual evidence of my attempt at suicide. Dark smears of dirt flushed down the drain mixed with tears. I was tired of feeling the darkness of grief, and I wished for a sign – for anything - to change the pain in my heart.
My life in the twelve months following Jacob's death were the same. Every second of every minute of every day I counted; I thought of Jacob; I remembered everything I could have done to try to save his life, but alas, I would be reminded by a family member, a friend that there was nothing I could do and that I just needed to accept his death.
"You'll move on someday."
That's what they all said.
And I always replied with, "That'll never happen."
"It will when you least expect it."
I couldn't argue with the retorts of my loved ones, of family members who missed Jacob as much as I did. At the time, though, I couldn't imagine moving forward, but after a year...the need grew larger. Perhaps, my suicide attempt was the beginning of that journey.
The night of my post-attempted suicide shower blossomed a friendship between Embry and me. When I had come out of the shower unscathed, without cuts or bruises, a bit of concern fell from Embry. I enjoyed the tight smile on his face and his wise cracks directed at the FOX news anchor and his guttural groans at the lame romantic comedy I insisted on watching.
Embry was a breath of fresh air. He didn't bring up Jacob every chance he got. He didn't tell me it was time to move on. He simply listened when I needed him to. He let me cry when I wanted, and he made me laugh just after. Embry let me be me – without expectation.
So, it was on that night that I fell asleep not on the mattress in the spare room but on the couch curled into the small space next to Embry. In the morning I woke up to Embry's quiet snore and his arm draped haphazardly around my shoulders.
Comfort and protection leaked from his skin into mine. My soul drank it up, indulging in the lack of sadness. Embry and his apartment were welcomed distractions from everything I had been trying to escape. I finally found a bit of peace.
"Now bring the brush up slowly and once you get close to the top flick your wrist just like this," Embry's wrist lifted slowly until he closed in on the top of the canvas then it snapped up quickly.
I mocked his motion with my paint brush just a few inches away from the canvas.
"Yup. Just like that. Now put your brush lightly against the canvas and do it."
"Oh god. I don't know. What if I ruin your painting?" I cringed.
"You're not going to ruin this piece of shit," Embry laughed.
"Piece of shit?" I questioned and stepped back.
In front of me was an easel and resting upon that was the canvas I was about to ruin. On the white canvas was a painted gray wolf almost the identical color of Embry's eyes. The wolf stood at the ledge of a cliff, overlooking a home filled valley. A large yellow moon centered the painting, and in that moon was the face of a red wolf. Its eyes a dark shade of black-brown. Circling the moon was the beginnings of a night sky. Dark purplish black was brushed roughly around the moon, but had yet to be finished. And that was my job.
"Embry this is... amazing. You can't let me paint on this. Don't you have some scraps I can play around with?"
"No," Embry chuckled. "You'll do fine. It's just the sky. There's no real technique to doing it besides the wrist flick toward the top and that's just to soften out the edges."
I glared up to him, doubt floating in my eyes. Embry rolled his.
"You won't fuck it up. I promise." Embry stepped next to the canvas. "Just do it."
I rolled my wrist and shook off the butterflies flapping in my stomach. I settled the brush on the canvas and followed his instruction to a "T". Something, however, was amiss, because my wrist flicked just a bit too early splattering dark purple paint onto Embry's red-brown skin. His eyes squinted close and his nose scrunched up as the paint landed on his face.
"OH MY GOD! I'M SORRY!" I yelped, dropping the brush.
Embry laughed an abundant laugh. His shoulders shook while his face scrunched. And it was contagious. Rolling from my stomach came an echoing laugh. My body tingled with laughter and my eyes watered tiny tears down my cheeks. The weight of the world lifted from my back. My grief faded to the back as enjoyment came forward.
The splotches of paint rolled casually down his nose and cheek. I tried to desperately wipe away the blotches of purple paint. Only it didn't help. Instead, the paint spread. Lines of purple marked his skin in almost a tribal design bringing forth his Native American characteristics.
"I think you're just smearing it now." Embry's eyes opened and he tried his best to be able to see what I was doing to his face. With little effort, Embry and I locked gazes.
I withdrew my hand and stared. Small bouts of laughter still rolled through me like waves of the ocean. My throat shook with those waves and my cheeks burned from the smile on my face. It felt nice to be sore from happiness rather than sadness, and that sent a chill down my spine.
Was it possible for me to be this happy without Jacob?
I shrieked in my own skin only to feel Embry's arms snake around my waist. He tugged me closer, his stomach lightly vibrating with leftover laughter. The muscles in my legs stiffened not allowing me to come or go no matter the tug and pull that I felt within.
I was at a pivot point in my life. The moment I was in would change everything no matter the path I chose. It was almost patronizing that two very different paths stood before me but neither chose to show themselves until I was in the midst of the happiest times since Jacob's death.
I didn't know if I was ready to make any changes. All I knew is that I craved them, and that craving grew quicker the longer I stood in front of Embry. His eyes were locked on mine, and I couldn't turn away. His smile fell from his face just the moment mine had, but there was no sadness hidden behind his gray pupils. Instead, questions flared as a reflection of myself.
"Bella," Embry quietly spoke.
"Yes?" I answered.
"I'd like to kiss you..." His statement was confident, but with question. "If that's okay."
I opened my mouth to answer, but quickly I shut it again, realizing the answer I had expected to feel was not the one I felt. Instead of a quick "no", there was a gallant "yes" on my tongue. That single answer scared me more than Jacob's death. If I agreed to kissing Embry, then I would be saying my final goodbye to Jacob.
And I wasn't ready to let go. As much as I craved change and distance from my broken heart, I didn't want Jacob to disappear. I didn't want to end that chapter of my life, because I couldn't...I just couldn't say goodbye.
A tear trickled from my eye. The air meeting my lungs was insufficient. My heart shattered in the blink of an eye, but the arms that were wrapped around me kept me from falling apart. For that I was grateful.
The pad of Embry's thumb stopped the next tear from reaching my cheek. With one swoop of his thumb it disappeared from my face. And I wished it were that simple for the pain I felt to go away.
"Why are you crying?" Embry's voice was rough with emotion.
"I-I-It still hurts," I mumbled incoherently.
"I can make it stop." Embry stated as gentle whisper while his hand slid to the back of my neck. The thumb that had disintegrated my tear nestled just between my jaw and my ear.
His offer was far more than I had bargained for. Could he make the pain stop with just one kiss?
"W-what would Jacob say?" I countered as Embry leaned forward. His mouth was within reach. Little effort would have to be made to allow me a silencing kiss.
For a moment, Embry pensively thought over my question. I watched as his eyes darted over my face, wondering just what Jacob would want him to do in the situation we'd found ourselves in. I hoped upon all hope that Embry knew, because I was at a loss. Just when I thought my question to be a little too much, Embry answered.
"He'd want me to take care of you." His warm breath hit my lips, sending chills across my skin. "This is the only way I know how."
With that said, Embry didn't ask for my permission again. This time his head tilted to the right, and his thumb swiped at the skin next to my ear. Those seconds as he brought our lips closer together seemed to transform into minutes. The echoing waves of question calmed within my belly. My heart beat wildly in my chest. Embry's profound answer to my question lingered in my brain. His truth set free a peace within me that no one else would ever be able to give. So, before Embry could close the space between my lips and his, a sob of freedom parted my lips, and I agreed with the jagged edges of my heart to let go of someone I never had the intentions of freeing.
My sobs haulted Embry's quest, but I begged, "Please...set me free."
His lips melded to mine in a kiss that stopped the world on its very axis. Ear deafening silence quenched my thirsting heart. Pain no longer lingered in my chest. And the butterflies in my stomach were no longer of the anxiety variety.
All I could feel, see, taste... was Embry. My crying soul wept its last tear as Embry's lips worked softly against mine – his movements long and drawn out. At that moment, I was fragile and he knew that. He knew his kiss need not be hasty or forceful. Although, behind his gentle lips I could taste his eagerness to ravish my mouth with his – to express upon me the pent up need he had to stop my pain. His grip on my face tightened when my mouth worked in conjunction with his. And his chest swelled with breath that was meant for me.
I was unable to breathe, unable to comprehend the need for anything besides the soft pliable lips of Embry Call and all of their perfectness. With one simple kiss, he was able to take from me the very burdens that had me atop a cliff convinced it was my only chance at freedom. The freedom and change I craved so desperately came in the form of a second kiss as Embry pulled away only enough to exhale. The second time he kissed me was quicker, but just as soft, and was followed by the third, fourth, and fifth kisses that seemed to soften the jagged edges of my heart.
One year and four days and one failed suicide attempt was what it took for me to begin to accept the death of Jacob Black. While I don't think there was ever a real possibility of me getting over Jacob or his death, the only chance I had to move on was Embry.
The darkest night of my life seemingly was my most fateful one, because there atop the cliff where Jacob had lost his life I collided, literally, with the one person, who would prove to be the only one to understand, who showed me it was okay to be who I was. Embry was my call at freedom and all it took was just one kiss.