SEVEN
The steady, dull sound of the pendulum clock, is ticking each beat of his heart. His red glasses rest folded on his slowly heaving chest, as he reclines on the plain chaise lounge. It's a foreign feeling having to confront the world without his glasses. Somehow, it leaves his soul bare.
"So, Ryugazaki-san , looking back in time, would you say you did everything in your power to help your friends?"
As he ponders the question, the light seems to turn hazy.
I
"Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us."
Perer De Vries
He always found solace in food. Ever since he was young and served as a cheerful toy for his sisters. Every time his parents would scold him for the bad grades he wasn't allowed to bring home. Every swimming race he was touching the wall one second too late. It is a soothing feeling indulging his palate into sugary goodness and savory delight, it has the same effect that his inexhaustible humour has on others; it makes his days shine brighter.
"I still can't believe you ate all this by yourself, Nagisa-kun."
He eagerly swallows the last crumbs of his double burger served with fries, the second one in a row. He beams at a startled Kisumi sitting across him, a brushstroke of cheddar comically decorating the tip of his nose.
"It was delicious, how could I resist? It's a pity you don't finish yours, Kisu-chan, we should never allow food to go wasted."
"Honestly, I feel stuffed just by looking at you, love."
He checks his wristwatch and guilt clouds over his face.
"I should be going. Rei-chan turns scary when I'm not outside the library on time."
"Well it's a library and he's a bookworm, I'm sure he'll find something interesting to pass his time. Come on, stay a bit longer with me. I rarely bump on you Iwatobians anymore. I have no idea how's Haru doing for example."
"Haru-chan typically spends most of his time in his bath tub. He's only out when he has practice or when Mako-chan drags him by the wrist. I swear the only thing that changed, is that his tub is now in a flat in Tokyo rather than his house in Iwatobi. Although..." he presses the edge of his chopstick on his bottom lip, looking pensive "...Rin-chan might know more, it seems that he meets him often late at night."
"Rin? Wasn't he following a very demanding training schedule lately? He always replies with this excuse every time I suggest to hang out."
He rubs the back of his head, his instinctive reaction every time he realizes his mouth races ahead of his mind.
"I really have to go now, Kisu-chan. You don't know Rei-chan like I do, I swear I'll never hear the end of it."
"Come on, just ten more minutes. I hear the desserts in this place are mouthwatering."
Kisumi makes a gesture at the waitress and winks at him in mischief. Soon, the young girl returns with a tray full of tempting delicacies. Velvet cherry tarts, chocolate muffins sprinkled with coconut, marzipan cake with raspberry filling, praline bread pudding with caramel pecan sauce. His eyes are already seeing stars.
"Kisu-chan! You really shouldn't have..."
The bubblegum haired youth smiles while watching him drooling over the sweet treasure before him.
"Please, don't even mention it. So, about Rin..."
He always finds solace in food. It's like an opium; it makes him forget all things that hurt. All faces that matter.
II
"Thou seest how sloth wastes the sluggish body, as water is corrupted unless it moves."
Ovid
Even though closed, the rusty tap spurts water periodically. For the past two hours, he has been blankly staring at it dribbling, while the water in his tub is already getting cold. It's funny, he thinks. It's like someone has decided that the water flow in his bathroom should be constant. Such an idea would be fitting, of course, had it not been for a tiny detail; he still minds the bills.
Yet, this daily routine of him soaking body and soul into this blue tranquility, is perhaps the only precious thing that keeps him going. Water doesn't just refresh his life. It is his life. Becoming an adult never changed that. Because water has been his one true ally all those years. It never betrayed him. It never made him promises it couldn't keep. It never asked from him anything in return for the gifts it bore him. It never tried to change him or object to his listlessness. Unlike the world around him. Unlike people.
Because people can be bothersome. He was never particularly interested in strangers, but, growing up, he made a gruesome discovery; even family and friends can be pests sometimes. They have a unique way of constantly guiding him into serpentine crossroads, when, a moment earlier, the path ahead him looks straight and simple. Their ambitions didn't permit him to become ordinary. Their love didn't allow him to remain alone. It's not that he doesn't appreciate what his friends have done for him. It's just that he wishes he could tread alongside with them on his own pace. No matter how sluggish it might be.
The last weeks in particular have been pretty confusing. His dreams are in disarray; shades of green merging with red in a lethal combination. He knows it's partly his fault. He should have made everything clear before moving to Tokyo. So that Makoto's grip wouldn't remain so tenacious. So that Rin's presence wouldn't be so demanding. But it looked so much of a chore to untangle himself from this erotic mess, that eventually he just let the knot become bigger.
The buzzing sound of his mobile reverberates throughout the dimness of his apartment.
"Shut up."
His inner voice objects. He doesn't even know where it's lying forgotten. Somewhere in his room, probably. The ringing is persistent.
"Shut up...shut up..."
Right now, getting out of his bathtub and searching for annoying device, is too much of a hassle. Instead, he slowly submerges himself further into water, leaving only his azure eyes scouring its surface like beacons. Eventually, the cellphone hushes.
He is not an idiot. He knows that, sometimes, his life is stagnant like the cold water pooling in his tub. He knows that he is forged for better and bigger things, for swimming among the strong currents, careless and free. He knows all these. Only thing he doesn't know is when those two unresolved problems in his life , will turn from a snowball into an avalanche, bringing everything crumbling down.
III
"Lust's passion will be served; it demands, it militates, it tyrannizes."
Marquis De Sade
"So you've got yourself a new job...a new cellphone...a new apartment with a nice view."
His salmon robe swishes in the evening breeze as he approaches, a glass of red wine in each hand. Makoto is leaning against the balcony, hands in pockets, jade eyes indolently gazing at city lights.
"Do you like it, love? Here you go."
"Yes, it's beautiful. Thanks..."
A blush creeps up Makoto's handsome face and he averts it from his robe's gap. It always amuses him how bashful this guy can be.
"Come sit with me."
The swing creaks lightly as their weight sinks in. Makoto uses his legs to rock them lightly. He mumbles something about his own apartment and how less spacious it is. He doesn't really listen. His eyes rest dreamily at the hazel haired student. That manly scent of sandalwood mixed with other earthly spices, is invading his senses. His vivid imagination is already stripping him, sending a tickling shiver down his groin. With a small sigh, he leans in.
"Kisumi...you're too close."
His indigo eyes spell desire all over.
"Sleep with me, love."
"You know I can't do that."
"Am I not pretty enough?"
The robe slides off his one shoulder just a notch.
"You are...a lot. I just..."
Those lingering inhibitions, he always meets them when he makes a move. His lips nibble on Makoto's tanned neck and he can feel the man's breath hitching, as his hand strokes its way down to his crotch. He cups Makoto above his denim; he's naturally big, and the thought of how much bigger he can get, already excites his libido.
"Kisumi, stop", Makoto gently removes his hand from his jeans and curls back his long fingers, " I'm sorry, but I can't."
His body relaxes back to the swing. He lights up a cigarette and smiles.
"It's the dolphin boy, isn't it?"
"Well I am dating Haru."
He never fully understood exclusivity. He always dates different people, without his feelings falling short for any of them. He worships their bodies. He adores their scents. Their voices. Their touch. He gives himself fully to each of them. And yet, there's a certain way people call him for that. A name given to him that hurts, when all he ever does is to embrace the human nature.
"Do you think you two are on the same page with this relationship, love?"
"We've had our share of problems. I want to think we're moving forward."
"Rin is not someone you can easily let go of, love. But I'm sure you know that, " he notices how Makoto's fingers instantly clench the crystal goblet " I hear that lately he visits Haruka at nights and leaves at dawn, when everyone else thinks he's resting from his training."
"Why you're telling me this?"
"Does it really matter? Perhaps I just don't want to see you getting hurt. Although, I can't entirely blame your boyfriend. Between you and Rin, it's always a hard choice."
When suddenly the telephone shrieks in his living room, he knows something is off. Only few people know his landline number.
"Hello?...Slow down...where are you? ... What are you doing there, is she awake?...No...with her ex captain...You're out of your mind, Sousuke. If you craved some booty tonight, you could always have mine... yeah, yeah I'll stop joking...Just don't do something you'll regret later, love."
The call ends. He hasn't been joking, but they always assume he does.
"Makoto, I'm going to have a shower. You're always welcome to join me if you change your mind. Alternatively, we can order some ramen and maybe watch a movie when I'm done."
This time, his robe cascades to the floor. He can sense Makoto's eyes caressing his lean back as he heads to the shower. Usually, he only needs to count up to ten , before his thirsty prey tails after his graces. But, tonight, he knows not even one thousand numbers will be enough.
IV
"Nothing makes us more vulnerable than loneliness. Except greed."
Thomas Harris
Red is definitely his favourite colour.
It has always been, ever since he was a kid. Ever since it smiled at him for the first time, its warm radiance reaching his childish soul. Ever since it raced him to school, in the form of flowing hair running one step ahead of him. Ever since it sent him a letter, in the form of words calling him 'my sunshine'. Red was always there , sheets of crimson blinding his vision. And he couldn't have enough of it.
Growing up, he learned to tame his passion for Rin Matsuoka. But taming doesn't equal satisfying, and as the years were passing by, his hunger for more grew stronger. More of Rin. More of red. Still it was a need unlike the rest. It was simmering inside him instead of exploding, eventually becoming the driving force fueling his ambitions. Having Rin as a friend didn't seem enough. He had to challenge him and become his rival. And from there, strive to become his equal, so he could claim him. Winning in jan ken pon was just the beginning.
But Rin was a whimsical and restless spirit. He couldn't be restrained.
First, it was the school transfer. Soon, Australia followed. Despite his misery, somehow his longing for the redhead pulled him through. The trophies and titles rained down on him, the one after the other. Yet, they never seemed enough. He always strove for the best, event if that translated to more strain on his body. Eventually, his shoulder broke down and he was forced to quit competitive swimming for a while. But, even then, the results of this love-driven avarice taught him no lesson.
Rin's return signaled a new, dramatic chapter in his life. He changed schools and traveled miles to be with him. At times, he even degraded into a common bully. Because, Rin's friendship wasn't enough. Not when Nanase Haruka was in the picture. It took him a whole year to subdue his greedy urges and achieve a level of normality in his relations to all those new faces surrounding him. Gou had helped him. She was Rin's sister, after all, a true Matsuoka. And he had always been protective, if not borderline territorial, with that name.
One whole summer, he was happy.
And then Rin moved forward, dividing his life and future dreams between Australia and Japan. While he, well, didn't. It was a desolate feeling the one surging his chest. When all this passion for more left him stranded, nothing but loneliness emerged to fill the blank spaces. His new life has been a cruise through cheap hotels in Tokyo, seeking an excuse to settle in the busy metropolis. Of course Rin's demanding training schedule, allows them little time to meet. But he is certain there is something more than that. If anything, their fight a few days back, points to that direction.
Such are the thoughts dashing in his mind while he's standing outside the familiar door, bearing his solitude as a cross. Alcohol is streaming through his veins, and he knows he should have stopped after the second beer. But just like with everything in this life, one and two are never enough for him.
"Sousuke-kun? Are you alright?"
"Can I come in?"
"Sure."
In the narrow kitchen, he is watching silent while Gou is making him coffee. She must have been sleeping, because she's clad in nothing but her brother's worn-out shirt. That checkered shirt he so adored. His sapphire eyes travel all the way up her creamy legs, and then further north, at the exposed collarbone and the shark tattoo he knows she is hiding on top of her breast. The one that is identical to Rin's. Her burgundy hair is loose and half tucked in the shirt, leaving lonely strands cascading over her face. From his current angle, the resemblance to Rin's younger self is more than painful. An inner voice tells him he'd better call someone, anyone and get out of there.
"What's the matter, Sousuke-kun? Why are you staring like this, do I have a spot on my shirt?"
"No, it's just that..." he takes a hesitant step towards her, his eyes brimming with tears "...you look so much like him."
The same voice reminds him that red is , without a doubt, his favourite colour. Even the different shades of it.
V
"In rage, deaf as the sea, hasty as fire."
King Richard II ( Act I, scene i)
He thinks he hasn't done anything wrong.
It's just that, when this all-consuming anger hits him, every rational thought gets obliterated. It's like a vexing of the soul for what he feels is almost inhuman, it's twisted and distorted, but it's something powerful. It burns like fire hissing through his veins and creeping up his spine, before it explodes in hundreds of glowing embers. It often leaves only ashes on its trail.
It's been like this ever since he was little. His name has been a synonym to bad temper. Disturbing Rin Matsuoka will often result in tears, screams and violence. Not necessarily in that order. However, his wrath is like a lit up match; it suddenly blazes up but never lasts enough to become a grudge. And even though there's a variety of ways and reasons to irritate him, what ultimately sets his gasoline on fire has always been one and the same; messing with his sister.
He still fondly remembers each annoying face that met his punch when Gou was still only a middle schooler. Or the broken glasses of that obnoxious teacher in her college, who dared to make her dissolve into tears after belittling her before the whole class. Perhaps there have been times he crossed some limits and interfered when he shouldn't have to, but in the end of the day, it's both his duty and lawful right to protect her as her older brother. Because Gou is family. The only family he cares about.
That's why he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong.
At first, he really thought someone was playing a joke on him. The unknown sender of the text message was an indication. But then he read the name "Haru" at the end and got confused. Why would Haruka ask him to meet so late at Gou's place using a number he didn't know of? He knew his sister was fine and probably sleeping by now, as she had called him more than an hour ago to tell him goodnight. And he was fairly certain this enigmatic message couldn't be a prank, because no soul seemed to know about his late night meetings with Haruka or the nature of those meetings. So he attempted to call Haruka on his actual cellphone. He let it ring and ring, but the raven haired youth never picked it up. That made worry nest in his chest.
Thankfully, unbeknownst to Gou, he had a spare key to her flat. Rei had scolded him plenty on this, warning him that his over-protectiveness was going a bit too far, but he hadn't budged. Entering quietly in her dimly lit living room , so that he wouldn't wake her, is the last thing he remembers clearly. After that, there's chaos in the seat of his memory. Because when fury sweeps him off in ferocious waves, engulfing his moralities and destroying the boundaries of loyalty, he becomes a deaf man.
Vaguely, their voices begging him, swearing they had stopped before actually doing anything, come and go like whirring sounds. But her semi-naked body is the only image poisoning his vision, and since when the ears are better witnesses than the eyes?
He honestly thinks he hasn't done anything wrong.
And he continues to think so, cuffed as he is in the backseat of a police car, while the sirens of an ambulance are screeching in the distance.
VI
"Envy is the coward side of Hate, And all her ways are bleak and desolate."
Charles Caleb Colton
Beyond the balcony, Tokyo hums at night, a busy rainbow of neon signs and billboards. He gazes at the city lights, as they expand into the horizon and, finally, ebb into a colourful inkling. The faint sound of running water comes from inside the apartment. He really feels bad he can't give Kisumi what he yearns for. Despite his reputation, he has always nurtured nothing but honest sympathy for the pink haired man.
But he belongs to Haru. Ever since he can remember himself. And even though they might seem the perfect, effortless match, the reality is he has methodically struggled for very long to keep that place in his heart. Because who else can stay whole days by Haruka's side, dealing with nothing but his silence? Or who can claim they always welcomed with a smile all those times their lover surpassed them in a sport they both loved, making it obvious from early on their paths would eventually be different? And even when their relationship waded in murky waters, even when Rin came like a charming tornado, he persevered and supported the dolphin boy in every way his teenager self could. Even when he didn't like the outcome.
For a while, he believed all this adolescent tension between Haruka and Rin had finally smoothed out. Tonight, he realizes how naive this thought was. The redhead is like a bonfire; he is rekindled when no one expects it. Any given moment, his challenges towards Haruka are accepted. Their races in and out of the pool are almost legendary. One simple word from his mouth, and they are ready for a trip to a whole other continent. And he...he has to remain one step behind or watch from the bleachers.
As he once told Nagisa, he is jealous of Rin. This much he knows.
And yet, he doesn't hate him. If anything, he wishes he could shake Rin's world a bit. Nothing but a harmless shake really. Just to show him how it feels to stiff your upper lip, so that everything you've built this far won't fall apart. Luckily for him, his ears have picked the right words from the earlier phone call. He looks down in his hand, at Kisumi's new cellphone. The one only he knows about. His fingers skim fast over its glowing screen. He clicks on 'send'.
He knows a part of him will be guilt-ridden tomorrow. But for now, when the cellphone vibrates indicating the message has just been delivered, he closes his eyes against a chilling gust of wind.
And he smiles.
VII
"I'm afraid our time is up, Ryugazaki-san".
"Thank you, doctor."
He puts on his elegant jacket and smooths the faint wrinkles on his shirt. His middle finger pushes back his stylish glasses, steadying them. It's a relief to have them back.
"One last thing, before you go. It's vital to understand that we can't always be there for our friends. That, sometimes, no matter our personal worth and abilities, we may do our best to help them, but they are still separate individuals, responsible for their own mistakes. Such an admission doesn't diminish our value. That, and I hope I'll see you in our next session."
He bows politely and exits the office. A few steps down the hallway, he glances at the therapist's business card in his palm.
He snorts.
It is ridiculous to accept he has done everything in his power to help his friends. He knows well that someone like himself is capable for so much more. It's clearly their fault if they failed to listen to his expertise in the first place. But he is not giving up, even though the fateful events of the past month have given him nightmares. He doesn't need anyone's help, just like he did in their first relay together, once again he will find a solution for all.
He creases the paper card and tosses it to a nearby trash bin.
It's not that he doesn't appreciate the doctor's advice. But he didn't learn anything his books couldn't tell him. Nor anything he didn't already know.
"Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves.
But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us,
something is out of tune."
Carl G. Jung
The End
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