Debra pushed open the loft door only to be greeted by a cloud of smoke. The familiar smell of pot wafted over her as she made her way towards the back of the room where Berko was sitting, strumming his guitar lazily with one hand while the other lifted a beer bottle towards his mouth. The other band members paid her no attention as she passed. They were either occupied with their instruments, their girlfriends or their drugs and alcohol. Either that or they simply didn't consider her as worthy of their notice. There was a time when she was hurt by their attitude to her but now she just accepted it. It was something she was used to although she didn't know exactly when her hurt changed to apathy.

When she first started to work at Empire Records, Berko excited her. His 'don't give a fuck' attitude and lean, tattoo covered arms, which permanently seemed to be gripping some kind of guitar, made him seem dangerous but in the best possible way. He seemed to know everything about music and rock and roll. He told the customers exactly what he thought of their selected purchases and even Joe didn't tell him off. When ever he expressed his musical preferences he did it with such confidence that it was hard to argue with him. He knew what music he liked to listen to. He knew what type of music he liked to play and he knew that he and his band would make it someday. She had never known someone who was so self assured. He was like a magnet and she couldn't get enough of him.

It was no secret that he was older than her. None of her friends thought that anything would happen between them. They thought she just had a bit of a crush on a work colleague which was just part of her excitement at having a new job. Most of those friends had now disappeared. Some of them were lucky enough to have left for college, made new friends in new cities. Others had simply drifted away, too involved in their own struggles to maintain the friendships that seemed so close in high school. It wasn't their fault though. She was just as much to blame. Somehow her life had started to revolve around Empire Records. So much so that she no longer considered it to be just a job; it was now a way of life.

A big part of that life was Berko. When they first got together, Joe had raised his eyebrows but that was the closest anyone came to querying her decision to get involved with the musician. Maybe they all saw it coming. After all, the store wasn't that big. Her and Berko may have started their shifts at different times but it wasn't long before they seemed to synchronise their lunch breaks and end up sitting side by side on the old battered sofa in the back room, talking about the latest releases over pizza. Their first kiss happened in that back room. The first time they made love was right on that couch the first time she closed the store for Joe. He wasn't the first person she had slept with but he was the first one who made her realise that there was more to sex than a few quick fumblings in the back of a car or teenage bedroom before parents came home from work. He completely rocked her world.

For a while life had been good but it was just two years later and she couldn't remember the last time she was excited about something. There was just so much to worry about now. Money. Her family. Her future. Was Berko part of her future? Was this a relationship that was actually going somewhere? She wasn't sure anymore. She knew she loved him but was she in love with him? Was he in love with her? When was the last time they had a serous conversation about anything? When was the last time that they simply spent time together with no one else around? When was the last time they had screamed each others names in the throes of passion rather than just going through the motions? She couldn't remember.

"Hey, I was wondering when you'd get here." He said with a lopsided smile as she came towards him.

She smiled back automatically but the smile didn't reach her eyes. He didn't notice. One glance into his eyes and she knew that he was too stoned or too drunk to notice much at all. "You ready to leave yet?"

"We're still practising, Deb. Might be a while yet."

"This isn't practising. Your drummer isn't even here."

"He's just gone to get some more beers. He'll be back in like five minutes." Berko explained. "C'mon. have a drink or a smoke or something and just hang out for a bit with us. We've got some new stuff we've been working on. I think you'll like it."

"I don't want a drink. Or a smoke."

"Dave's going to pick up some takeout on the way back from the store."

"I don't want take out." she said in exasperation. "Berko, you promised me an early night at home, just the two of us. Bottle of wine and a video."

"Let's do that tomorrow, babe."

"Why can't you practice tomorrow? It's not like the band won't all turn up here anyway!"

"Deb, you know it's important. We might be able to get some studio time and we need to be ready."

"You call this getting ready? You're just getting wasted."

"I'm not getting wasted. This is the first beer I've had." Berko replied as he adjusted his guitar strings.

"Really? And how much have you had to smoke?"

"You know, one of the songs we're working on is one I wrote about you. We'll play it when Dave gets back."

"Don't change the subject, Berko!" she shouted, raising her voice since for the first time since she entered the room and finally drawing the attention of the other band mates and their groupies.

"Jesus, will you just chill out." Berko shouted back before realising that all eyes were on them. He lowered his voice before adding. "Most chicks would be stoked about having a song written about them but all you can do is give me a hard time."

"I don't want a stupid song!"

"Then what the hell do you want?"

"I don't know," Debra admitted. "I guess I want to go home and I guess I kind of need you to come with me because it's been a pretty shitty day."

For a second he looked like he was going to agree to leave but Dave's return from the store stopped him from getting up.

"He's back now." Berko said, pointing to the long haired drummer who was busy handing out beers and Chinese food. "We really do need to practice. I'll be an hour max and then we can leave."

"I'm going now. I just …I just really don't want to be here tonight."

"I can come over to your place after we finish, if you want?"

"Don't bother." Debra said simply before turning and walking resolutely towards the exit. Part of her hoped that he would follow her, that he would see how much she needed him to just hold her, but she wasn't surprised when he stayed where he was and just watched her walk away. It wasn't really his fault. Not really. None of this was about him. It was about her and she doubted that he would be able to do anything to make her feel better anyway. She climbed onto her Vespa and started the journey back to her small apartment. The passing wind dried her tears before they had chance to fall an when she got home she hardly looked as if she had been crying at all.

A/N - Not sure if i've witten anything quite that depressing before but thanks for reading. Please R&R