Title: Jamais
Author: iS2.coheed.and.cambria
Rating: T
Summary: "There's an opposite to déjà vu. They call it jamais vu." – Chuck Palakniuk. Sam doesn't expect to go into a simple haunting and come out with no memory and no opportunity to retain any future information or events. Then again, can you expect anything?
Disclaimer: Would you believe me if I said I did own Supernatural?
A/N: Another one I've held off writing for a while in a futile attempt to update my other multi chapter fics. And of course (ok who else thinks 'of course' should be one word? (ofcourse) I swear I spell it wrong left and right), the only antidote for slow updating is to add another one to update! I don't really know whats wrong with me but I hope your enjoy this fic. I got the idea from reading a line from the novel Choke by Chuck Palahniuk (quoted below)(btw read it!). I never knew there was something other than déjà vu or that there was such a thing as "the vu's" but they intrigued me to write this piece. Not a oneshot and also not a death fic (surprisingly). Hope you enjoy! Like I said at the bottom of this fic I'll try to respond to reviews as soon as I get them : )
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'Jamais'
"There's an opposite to déjà vu. They call it jamais vu. It's when you meet the same people or visit places, again and again, but each time is the first. Everybody is always a stranger. Nothing is ever familiar."
-Chuck Palahniuk, Choke.
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Some times, it is the moments in life that make it suck so hard.
"I'm sorry, but I don't see your brother ever recovering from this."
What a joke. What a riot.
We're in some hospital, god knows where. I'm in a hallway with some 5'4 man telling me lies (the truth).
Telling me that getting hit with a baseball during a friendly game (getting pummeled by an angry spirit) can cause my brother to loose his memory. And not just loose it once, but everyday. Loose long term and short term and everything in between because of a ball (rock) because of a momentary event.
Because of something that happened within a second, this doctor can't see my brother, my only brother, recovering. Everything is done. It's all over.
And Jesus Christ. I thought 50 First Dates was just a goddamn movie. Not my life.
"Some cultures they call it 'Jamais Vu'" the doctor muses and I want to scream out 'I don't care!' but find a way to bite my tongue.
"Can I just see him?" I whisper.
"Of course," and he slides his hand over and opens the door to Sam's room where I see my brother.
He's lying there on that damn hospital bed. On a sea of sick and no memories. Because Jeez if your loose your memory it's really just like loosing everything.
To not be able to retain? To think yesterday is today and yesterday will be the same as tomorrow? Everyday will start off with a blank slate. Everyday will be nothing until your fall asleep, put your head down on that soft yet evil pillow and wake the next morning. And nothing's left.
Nothing is familiar so everything just means nothing.
Well, that's where my brother's at right now. He's in the middle of sickness and nothing and of course unfamiliar ness. Stuck right in the center of oblivion. It's sick, but it's well… the truth.
"He's just sleeping right now. He'll be awake in no time, at all."
The doctor pats my shoulder in sympathy and exits the room. Leaving me with a brother, who has nothing, but means everything.
And I'm so fucking sick I think, No. He's never waking up.
- - - - - - -
It's when my baby brother starts to stir that a fucking jolt of hope explodes throughout my body. When stroking his hand may mean a familiar touch and not a stranger's passing brush. When the head I'm stroking over and over again has something inside of it. Some memory of the life we had before twisted fate took its role.
Like stroking his fucking head and smoothing those goddamn unruly bangs away from his eyes could coax memories through his ears and nose and mouth, ending up in the place they belong.
Like I can press the reset button on a worthless electronic or press 'undo' in a word document. Like my hand is a floppy disk that I could simply put next to my brother's head to fill it with data. And dad. And the Impala. And god forbid demons and vampires. Spirits and fucking pagan gods. And just maybe our childhoods? Or something that happened mere hours ago?
Like anything I'm doing right now before he opens his eyes can reverse this unimaginable damage done to my brothers' fragile mind. But when he opens his eyes and I feel Déjà vu sweep over me I know I failed once again.
It's just like the last time. Last time I failed.
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Sam's eyes opened lightly and he stared up at me. And I'm sitting there all happy. Coaxing him with words like, "Come on Sammy, do it." And "Open those crazy big eyes for me,"When his eyes peek open I smile so goddamn wide. The room smelling of so much fucking irony.
"Hey Sammy. How ya doin'?"
He looks at me. This look of profound confusion all across his beaten features from being thrown around by that spirit. He looks at me but not in a way in which I seem unfamiliar, more in a way that everything – and I mean everything- else is unfamiliar.
"D-de… Dean?" he asks softly as if he's unsure.
I nod eagerly and whisper, "Yeah, Sammy it's me. How ya feelin' you really got a bump there little brother…"
He frowns so deep I wonder if the lines will remain there. I hear his breathing speeding up slightly and his eyes darting around trying to figure out what exactly is going on when he blurts out, "What? Wait… Sam?"
My eyebrows furrow and I whisper, "Yeah, Sam… Your name?" he asks like I didn't just fucking say it.
"My name?"
"Yeah. Your name… Sam, you do know that's your name right?"
He shakes his head but then stops himself and says, "Well if you say it is, Dean."
I stop him quickly and say much louder now, "No, I mean did you know that was your name before I told you?"
Sam hesitates but shakes his head firmly.
I try to calm myself and ignore his look of shame. Like he's fucking sorry for not knowing. I have to breathe before I ask this next question and I whisper, "Sam, be honest with me… Is there anything else you don't know?"
Sam stares at me, almost afraid to give the answer and just whispers, "You're Dean."
"Yeah I got that but is there anything else you remember other than the fact that I'm Dean?"
I see Sam start to shake his head but then he stops quickly, "You're Dean. That's it..."
That's when I glance at Sam before slamming my finger onto the call button. And I don't stop until I think the whole fucking hospital is in my baby brother's hospital room.
- - - - - - -
Now I blink my eyes, as if when I open them something different from that day will lay before me.
"D-de… Dean?"
And I blink again, it's all too much like it was hours ago. It's the exact same moment but hours later. Déjà vu, it's called. Funny how I'm sitting in Déjà vu while my brother is living Jamais vu. Pure opposites yet so closely connected.
And that's too much. I can't live a life like this. My brother can't live a life like this. I've only experienced it for hours. Soon it will be years. Every time he wakes up there's nothing there. No more singing along to songs together. No more hunts. No more 'remember when's'.
No more, "Bitch." "Jerk."
No more.
And maybe, just maybe all I really want to do at this point is die.
Jesus Christ, sometimes in times like this. In times when the life before you seems so grim, so hard and impossible and unfamiliar dying becomes a very promising option.
And that?
That is just sad.
TBC…
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A/N: While writing this I just decided to end it here and make it a multi chapter fic. I'm guessing 5 or 6 chapters I'm going to try and contain this one. I'm going for simple yet deep if that makes any sense I hope you saw that.
And thank you sooo much to everyone who takes the time to read this and review! I will do my best to respond to any reviews I get : )
Have a great day and I hope you enjoyed!
-Lilia