Years on and Tomoyo looks back at her past love and what has happened since primary school.
A.N: This idea just sorta built up.
Disclaimer: CLAMP can keep Card Captor Sakura. I love the characters, but I don't think I'd want to own them.
Love Always Stays
I haven't seen her in years. Not in the way you're thinking through, because I saw her just yesterday. I haven't seen her emotion, her true Sakura-ness. She doesn't open up to me like she used to. She has another one she does that with, in a way I'd never be able to experience, especially with her.
It was in our junior year in high school when she started to distance herself from me. It used to be only hours when we didn't speak to each other, then it became months, even through we had the same classes. Or at least we did at first, anyway. I think it was mid-semester when she changed her schedule and I didn't even know which classes she went to anymore. It seemed like such a waste, since I had always skipped out on things I wanted to do just to be near her. She didn't even tell me she was moving classes. She was still bright, energetic Sakura, yes, but something about her had changed. Her friends changed, her brother Toya left home. Through I guess it wasn't just Sakura, the girls we used to hang out with in primary school were different too. I spent more time with them in the beginning too, before they also became distant. I seemed to be the only one who still was the same. I hadn't changed, or grown up. Once, when I actually managed to see Sakura she commented on it.
.-.
"Oh, Tomoyo-chan! You haven't changed a bit! I imagine when were both old; you'll still be the same.
Don't you ever get tired of it? Silly Tomoyo!"
.-.
Just to think, I used to be the one calling her silly.
Sometimes I'd follow her, on the weekends, mostly. Just to check up on what she was doing. I guess I was just being jealous, now I look back on those weekends in the bushes; I could have been arrested for stalking, like a crazed fangirl. It wasn't like that at all. I just missed what we had. I missed her.
I spent a lot of time with Meiling too, once she returned to Japan. I think it was our third year in high school. Meiling had finally gotten over the fact Syaoran was with Sakura. She was different too. Jeez, everyone was different, all ready. Meiling's changes included her maturation; she grew somewhat quiet, but had moments when she'd be spontaneous and excitable. It reminded me of Sakura when she'd do that, pulling from place to place. It may be that nature which drew her to so many boys. They all seemed Syaoran-like to me. Old habits die-hard, I suppose, through I don't think these guys ever did as much as Syaoran did for Meiling.
Even I dated a little. Mostly boys, through as I got older and tried to expunge my love for Sakura, I did experiment a little with girls. It never worked through. Guys only wanted one thing, and the girls always thought me strange.
.-.
"Tomoyo-san…I can't do this anymore…it's too…"
"Strange?"
"Your too…good…for me? No, you can't love me and Kinomoto-chan…she doesn't even know who you are…"
.-.
No one even knew Sakura and I were friends. We never went out together. Every time I saw her she'd be alone, in my room. It was almost as if she was ashamed of being my friend. What would she have thought if she knew I desired more?
The one time in the past few years I ever saw but a glimmer of the old Sakura was when she came over to tell me about her lost virginity. I think I acted indifferent to her about it. I knew it was coming and whom it would be with.
Or maybe it was just because she didn't return my calls about my own loss of innocence.
It had been when my mother felt overloaded with work and was sick of me moping around the house. She sent me to England to get rid of me. I think it hurt her to look at me sometimes. I had failed with Sakura, just as she had failed with Nadeshiko
I decided to stay with Eriol. I hadn't seen him since Sakura's last few adventures with the Clow cards.
I'm not real sure what happed that night. I remember sitting his book -lined office, the volumes old with age, written in a mysterious golden text, printed covers of a deep maroon. He was sitting in a huge plush chair and I sat leaning against his knee. I didn't know where Spinnel Sun or Nakaru were lurking. Maybe that was why I opened up to Eriol about Sakura. I had never felt so…calm…about it. I told Eriol all the things I'd never told anyone else. Like how I kept that little eraser she lent me on that first day.
I'm not sure why, but when I finally told him that I loved Sakura through I knew she'd never feel the same, I lifted my head to see his reaction…and it just happened, developing into something more.
.-.
"I love Sakura-chan. I always have. Just because she'll never feel the same means nothing to me. I will always love her. All I want from her, is that she is always happy." Tomoyo said, raising her head to see into Eriol's deep, magical eyes. For some reason, they seemed to sparkle with some sort of sadness. Tomoyo had always sensed that she and Syaoran were not the only ones who loved Sakura.
"Tomoyo-san…" he said as there lips met.
.-.
It didn't happen because we loved each other, because we don't and never have or will. It was a sharing of emotional pain between us, through I never did find out if my suspicions were correct. It was just an act of bonding between the two friends. Nothing more.
As they reached there twenties, Sakura tried to bridge the gap between them, which I accepted gingerly. I was present as bridesmaid at Sakura and Syaoran's marriage. The whole time, I thought how happy Sakura was and wept for myself. It really was wonderful for Sakura.
.-.
"Are you having fun Tomoyo-chan?"
"Yes, I am. Congratulations. I'm so happy for you, Sakura-chan"
"Thanks, Tomoyo. It means a lot to me that you are"
.-.
When Sakura had her first child, Karin, I used to sit for her while Sakura was busy. I marveled how much like Sakura the little girl was. It pleased me just to hold Sakura's child in her arms, thinking that Karin would be as happy as Sakura was.
My life revolved around Karin then. I was never too busy to be with her. She reminded me of the old Sakura. I was terribly upset when she passed away due to a bad illness. It hit Sakura worse, of course, it being her child. The distance between us returned. I feared it would stay that way.
This time it was I who tried to rebuild our friendship. I knew it would never be the same through.
Eventually, Sakura and Syaoran had another child, Hideki and after him, Ichigo, but I never had the bond I had with Karin with either of them. Hideki was too much like his father and Ichigo was too vain. In fact, I would have said she was more like Meiling or even Nakaru, had Nakaru been human, then like sweet Sakura.
I'd like to say Sakura never saw me cry, even at her wedding. I was very good at hiding my tears, like the cuts on my wrist in high school. To me they were the same, the same pain.
When I saw Sakura last week, she came over, holding little Ichigo by the hand. Sakura doesn't look a day over 22. She's as cute as ever. I can't believe she's that same girl capturing the cards, that I see on my videotapes. She smiles that same old smile; hergreen eyes still hold that same spark. She doesn't talk about much else then Ichigo, Hideki and Syaoran. We never talk about Karin.
I'm glad she's happy again, really I am. Just because I'm not, doesn't mean I wish it upon her. It would cause me a lot more pain if she felt as awful as I feel most days.
I don't hate Syaoran either. He's a nice guy. He's everything Sakura wants and more. He makes her happy in ways I can't and never can.
I talk about Sakura being happy often, I know. It's just all I really want. It makes me smile knowing she's as sunny inside as the sun itself.
As I once said to Eriol:
"I love Sakura-chan. I always have. Just because she'll never feel the same means nothing to me. I will always love her. All I want from her, is that she is always happy."
My love for Sakura, no matter what will always reside. Love, real love, always stays.
Long, soppy stuff. R&R
… # Rei Ant # …