Bubbles carried away the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is just some sudsy fun and drama I came up with.
Tub Talk With Ray Gillette
"Aahhh…" Ray sank his nude body into the tub full of bubbles. "This is just what I needed. A good quiet soak."
Ray leaned back to relax on his bath pillow. He had a white towel over his hair and on his face was a green mixture of beauty products. "God I haven't had some decent me time in ages."
Ray heard his cell phone ringing. "And it looks like I won't get any now," He rolled his eyes and looked at where his cell phone was. It was on a small stool nearby.
"Good thing I got the waterproof one," Ray remarked as he picked it up. He recognized the number. "Lana? What's she calling for? Only one way to find out."
"Hey girl," Ray answered the phone. "What's going on?"
"You will not believe what Archer did this time!" Lana barked. "You won't believe it!"
"Oh goody," Ray remarked. "We get to play Will and Grace again. Can I be Jack this time?"
"I'm sorry Ray," Lana let out a breath. "Is this a bad time?"
"No, just taking a bath," Ray lay back in the tub. "But what's Tub Time without a little drama?"
"I'm sorry," Lana apologized. "It's just you will not believe what stupid thing Archer did this time!"
"Something tells me I would," Ray remarked. "I am rather gullible."
"We were supposed to have a date tonight," Lana said. "A stay at home date. Nothing fancy. A little Chinese food. A movie rental. Play a little with AJ…"
"And then when AJ goes to sleep you and Archer were going to have a little playtime yourselves," Ray interrupted, smirking.
"Well yes," Lana admitted. "First he's two hours late. His stupid car wouldn't start again. And he forgot to get the dinner. But that didn't bother me because I have a better restaurant on speed dial that's cheaper…"
"And you also had another excuse to lecture Archer about his stupid hunk of junk he's obsessed on," Ray added.
"Interesting choice of words," Lana said icily. "Because his newest obsession is what ruined the evening!"
"Oh dear God," Ray groaned. "Don't tell me Archer got another lemur!"
"No, not that!" Lana groaned. "Worse!"
"Well spill it sister," Ray said. "My suds are shrinking."
Lana snapped. "Archer did remember to bring a movie for movie night! Guess which one?"
"He didn't…"
"He did," Lana said. "Shanghai Freaking Moon!"
"He brought a Veronica Deane movie to your date night?" Ray couldn't believe it. "After everything that happened?"
"Yuuuup," Lana groaned.
"And he didn't see anything inappropriate with that did he?" Ray groaned.
"Nooope," Lana said. "For some reason he thought it would spice things up!"
"Well that scene with the dress is a classic I have to admit that," Ray shrugged. "But still…A little too spicy for my taste."
"Exactly!" Lana said. "So you see my point?"
"I do."
"It's not just me is it?" Lana asked. "I'm not being unreasonable am I?"
"Of course not!" Ray defended. "I know exactly how you feel. I was dating this one guy a while back. He thought it would be fun to show me a porno he starred in with his ex-boyfriend!"
"Seriously?"
"Oh yeah," Ray said. "But I got him back."
"How?"
"Simple," Ray shrugged. "I dumped him and slept with his ex-boyfriend."
"You're kidding?"
"FYI," Ray said casually. "If you are in a sex tape with your ex, don't shop it around unless you know for sure you are hung better than your partner. Or better looking. Or better in bed."
"Someone should have told Ray J that," Lana quipped. "Too bad that's not an option in my case."
"Well maybe if you were Pam…" Ray began.
"But you can see why I was upset right?" Lana asked.
"I see."
"I wasn't being unreasonable was I?"
"No, you were not," Ray admitted.
"It wasn't just me being jealous or paranoid!" Lana said defensively.
"Oh I know!" Ray said. "After that whole thing with the party and the clowns and getting shot by bean bags."
"And the kiss!" Lana added. "Don't forget the kiss."
"How could I?" Ray rolled his eyes. "You've been yapping on it for weeks."
"I know he kissed her even though he insists she kissed him!" Lana fumed.
"He's such a liar," Ray clucked his tongue.
"I know!" Lana barked. "Long story short, we had a fight. He stormed out. But not before the delivery guy came. Grabbed his General Tso's chicken and left with me holding the bill!"
"Oh my god!"
"Well I had a coupon for two for one so it wasn't that bad," Lana admitted. "But it's the principle of the thing!"
"Exactly!" Ray said. "I still can't believe you're dating him again."
"Ray…"
"Lana the man is reverting back to his old patterns like a vampire at a blood bank," Ray remarked.
"I know. I know…"
"Lana I love you," Ray said. "And I know you love Archer. But you gotta stop letting him walk all over you like you're his doormat."
"I don't let him walk over me!" Lana barked. "I threw him out!"
"Tonight, you threw him out," Ray said as he casually lifted one of his legs. "Tomorrow you're gonna throw your back out when he bends you over in the broom closet again!"
"We haven't had sex since before the whole clown incident," Lana admitted. "That's why tonight was supposed to be so special for us!"
"Ohhhhh…"
"Yeah, Ohhhhhhh!" Lana groaned.
"The plot thickens," Ray looked at his leg. "Which is more than what my leg hairs have been doing lately. Ever since I became a cyborg I've noticed that they don't grow in as fast as they used to. Okay it makes time between shavings longer but still…"
"Ray this is serious," Lana said. "I don't know what to do. He's obsessed with her!"
"Maybe it's just a phase?" Ray said. "I mean he did pass up sex with Katya for you."
"True but…" Lana sighed.
"He had sex with Katya already," Ray put it together. "And Veronica Deane is virgin territory. No pun intended."
"I don't get it," Lana groaned. "What is it about that woman that makes guys act crazy?"
"I have to admit even I'm not completely immune to her charms," Ray said with a sigh as he put his leg down.
"So what is it about her that you guys find so great?" Lana barked.
"I'm not really sure myself," Ray admitted. "She just has this charm about her. Like she's not afraid to be a woman you know?"
"Uh hello?" Lana barked. "What do you think I am?"
"You are the Queen of all that is Feminine," Ray said dryly. "Pink unicorns and rainbows follow you wherever you go."
"I get your point smart ass," Lana groaned.
"It's probably just the glamor of it all," Ray shrugged. "She is a movie star. It could be a phase Archer is going through."
"Yeah an Oedipus Complex phase," Lana groaned. Some crying was heard in the background. "I gotta go take care of AJ. We can talk more tomorrow."
"You do that darlin'," Ray heard a beep. "I've got to go. I've got another call. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"See you Ray," Lana said. "And thanks for letting me bend your ear."
"Anytime," Ray hung up on Lana and went to the next call. "Ray Gillette's Pleasure Palace. How may I service you?"
"Nice," Cyril said in a deadpanned tone.
"I thought so," Ray smirked. "So how's it hanging buddy?"
"How do you think?" Cyril snapped. "I struck out again. I hate going to bars to try and meet women."
"Well your problem is that you're not completely over Lana!" Ray said.
"Don't you think I know that?" Cyril moaned. "Explain something to me."
"I could explain a lot of things to you."
"I'm serious!" Cyril snapped. "I make one freaking mistake and I'm shut out. While Archer makes the same mistake dozens of times and he gets a pass?"
"One mistake?"
"Okay so I was screwing Cheryl, Scatterbrain Jane and any woman who would have me left and right for months," Cyril admitted. "But I count it as one."
"Picking up the Sterling Archer style of math are we?"
"It just pisses me off that's all," Cyril moaned. "I make one mistake and I'm out in the cold. Archer makes them all the time and he's living a perfect life with perfect Lana in a perfect romantic paradise!"
"Well maybe things aren't so perfect in paradise as you think?" Ray let out a breath.
"What do you mean?" Cyril asked. "You know something don't you?"
"Well…"
"Ray!" Cyril pleaded. "If you know something tell me!"
"Okay but don't tell anyone I told you this," Ray pointed out. "Especially Lana and especially Archer."
"My lips are sealed," Cyril said. "So spill."
"Not I'm not one for gossip y'know," Ray began. "But…"
"But what? What?"
"I was just on the phone with Lana and she and Archer were supposed to have a date night tonight," Ray began.
"What did he do?" Cyril rolled his eyes.
"He brought over Shanghai Moon for them to watch," Ray told him.
"You're joking."
"I wish I was."
"He brought Shanghai Moon?" Cyril was stunned. "The movie with Veronica Deane and that dress?"
"That's the one."
"He brought Shanghai Moon for their date night?" Cyril asked. "After the whole mess with the kiss and the clowns and bean bags and the whole erection thing?"
"Uh huh."
"That has got to be one of the dumbest things Archer has ever done!" Cyril snapped. "And considering Archer's track record, that's a pretty high bar to beat."
"I know!" Ray said. "And he took his share of Chinese food without paying for it. Leaving Lana with the bill."
"That rat bastard!" Cyril snapped.
"Well she had a coupon so…" Ray shrugged.
"Huh," Cyril mused. "So I'm not the only one who struck out tonight. That does actually make me feel better."
"Well apparently Archer and Lana haven't been getting to bat for weeks so…" Ray sighed. "Oops…"
"I thought the broom closet was unusually quiet lately," Cyril realized. "Wait if Archer and Lana haven't been having sex….? And things are on the rocks…?"
"Don't go there Cyril," Ray warned.
"And knowing Archer this Veronica Deane thing won't go away anytime soon," Cyril kept thinking aloud. "In fact he might screw it up even more. Which means…"
"You went there," Ray groaned.
"Oh this is just perfect!" Cyril cackled. "I knew it! I knew sooner or later Archer would completely screw this up and when this blows up in his dumb ass face! Lana will come running back to get herself some Figgis!"
"You're not going to call Lana are you?" Ray sighed.
"Of course not," Cyril waved. "I'm going to go rent Shanghai Moon. Tomorrow I'll talk to Lana! Night Ray!"
"Good night," Ray groaned as he hung up the phone. He leaned back and closed his eyes, relaxing into his bath pillow.
For exactly one minute. Then the phone rang again. "I swear this is like that bathtub scene in The Women," Ray groaned as he picked it up. "Any minute Rosalind Russel is just gonna waltz right in here."
"Hello," Ray purred into the phone as he answered it. "You're on Tub Talk With Ray Gillette. It's your dime, spill it."
"Ray! Hey Ray!" Pam was on the line. "How's it hanging?"
"Pretty good," Ray said. "What's the story Morning Glory?"
"Here's the word hummingbird," Pam asked. "Guess what dumb thing Archer is going to do now?"
"Let me take a wild guess," Ray said. "He rented Shanghai Moon for his date night with Lana."
"No. He bought the damn movie," Pam said. "But you got that other part right. How did you know?"
"Lana called me earlier," Ray said. "Told me the whole thing. She threw him out on his ear. But not before he pulled a dine and dash with the Chinese food she ordered. Left her with the bill."
"Did she have a coupon?" Pam asked.
"Yes but that's not the point," Ray said.
"Yeah coupon or not he should have at least offered to pay for appetizers," Pam agreed. "It's just the classy thing to do."
"Unfortunately that's not the end of it," Ray winced. "After Lana called, Cyril called me and…"
"And you blabbed about the whole thing to Cyril?" Pam snapped.
"It just came out!" Ray protested.
"Like you and a closet," Pam quipped.
"You know…?" Ray growled.
"Oh great! Here we go again!" Pam groaned.
"What?" Cheryl's voice was heard. "What's happening? What?"
"Ray blabbed to Cyril about Lana and Archer getting into a fight over him bringing over that stupid movie on their date night," Pam told her.
"Damn it! I was going to tell him that!" Cheryl grumbled. "Wait hold on. That saved me a call. Never mind."
"Is that Cheryl back there?" Ray asked.
"Yes we're having a sleepover," Pam said.
"And by sleepover do you mean…?" Ray raised an eyebrow.
"A lady doesn't have to answer a question like that," Pam said haughtily.
"I know. That's why I'm asking you!" Ray quipped.
"Bitch," Pam snorted.
"Right back at you," Ray said.
"You know this wouldn't happen if Cyril grew some balls and got over Lana," Pam said.
"I told him that!" Ray barked. "But he wouldn't listen."
"It's sad really," Pam sighed. "Everyone but Cyril knows that Lana was only using him to get back at Archer. Well that and to use his enormous dong to satisfy her."
"Well Archer isn't exactly doing himself any favors either the way he's acting," Ray pointed out. "It's like he's taking Lana for granted. One of these days that woman is going to come to her senses and…"
"PA-AAMM!" Cheryl called out. "The fire is getting low!"
"Fire?" Ray's ears perked up. "What fire?"
"Don't worry about it," Pam said.
"Pam," Ray asked in a worried tone. "Is whatever you are doing with Cheryl legal?"
"Legal-ish," Pam admitted. "Don't worry about it."
"Whenever the words Cheryl and fire are mentioned I usually do," Ray said.
"Everything is fine," Pam said. "Which is more than what I can say for Cyril. Is he running over to Lana's to grovel?"
"No, he's waiting until tomorrow," Ray admitted.
"Oh so we'll have some entertainment at work tomorrow," Pam chuckled. "If we make it in tomorrow."
"What?" Ray asked.
"Let's just say there's a very slight chance we may need to call you for bail money," Pam said.
"Oh look my bubbles are bursting as we speak," Ray looked at the bathtub. "I'll talk to you tomorrow!" He hung up the phone.
He added some more hot water and then leaned back to relax when he was finished. Then the phone rang again. "I swear I'd get more privacy in Grand Central Station," Ray grumbled as he picked up the phone.
"A-T-and-T," Ray quipped. "Operator Gillette speaking. How may I help you?"
"Very funny missy!" Mallory snapped.
"Ms. Archer?" Ray did a double take. "What the hell are you doing calling me?"
"Believe me," Mallory groaned. "If I didn't have to I wouldn't. But it seems that I am having trouble tracking down my son."
"Why call me?" Ray asked. "He's not here! And if he was I'd throw him out on his ass!"
"I figured he wasn't with you," Mallory gritted her teeth. "My son has some taste!"
"You know…?" Ray growled.
Mallory went on. "But he's not at Lana's. And when I called to ask him about something Lana answered the phone in a huff. Started yelling at me about Sterling. Something about lack of manners and a coupon. Tried to call Pam but Cheryl or whatever her name is this week answered the phone. She wouldn't tell me anything but I swear I hear the crackling of fire and a siren in the distance so…You and Lana are thicker than thieves. What's going on?"
"Well you might as well know," Ray sighed. "Everyone else pretty much does. Archer brought over Shanghai Moon to watch on their date night…"
"Wait a minute? Shanghai Moon?" Mallory shouted. "With that has been Veronica Deane and the dress…?"
"That's the one."
"And he did that right after the whole incident with the kiss and the erection and those damn clowns?" Mallory shouted. "Not to mention nearly breaking my arm with those damn bean bag guns because of her and Shapiro?"
"Got it in one," Ray said. "He actually bought the damn movie."
"Oh for the love of Christ…" Mallory groaned.
"There's more," Ray sighed.
"Of course there is," Mallory said sarcastically.
"They got into a huge fight, especially since they haven't been having sex for weeks," Ray told her. "Archer stormed out but took his portion of their Chinese takeout dinner without paying."
"Did he at least have the decency to give Lana a coupon?"
"Lana used one of her own coupons," Ray said.
"Well that's just bad manners on Sterling's part," Mallory sniffed. "No wonder Lana was upset."
Ray went on. "And now Cyril knows. And Pam and Cheryl knows…"
"So the rest of the Idiot Brigade knows this?" Mallory shouted. "Typical! I'm the last to know as usual!"
"Well Krieger hasn't called yet so technically…" Ray added.
"So do you have any idea where my idiot son is?" Mallory asked. "Because all I'm getting is his stupid voice mail."
"Where would Archer go?" Ray snapped. "Bars? Strip clubs? Vegas? Maybe he snuck into Lego Land again? Who knows?"
"And of course Cyril knows all about this," Mallory groaned. "So that stupid boring little love triangle is back on again. And with Pam and Cheryl egging everyone on that will turn into a full blown fiasco. In the desperate hope someone blows either of them. And Krieger…Well Krieger usually just stands on the sidelines of these things but still…"
"So did you find Sterling?" Ron was heard.
"No!" Mallory told him. "But I found out what caused the fight. Sterling brought that stupid Veronica Deane movie on his and Lana's date night! And then he took off with half of the Chinese food without paying for it!"
"I have a coupon for Chinese if Lana needs it," Ron spoke up.
"So it's going to sound like I'm hanging up…" Ray began.
"Hey I got an idea!" Ron was heard. "We can watch an old movie. How about Shanghai Moon? It's one of my favorites! With the actress and that dress…"
A second later screams of pain were heard. "OW! OW! OW!" Ron yelled. "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WOMAN?"
"YOU MEN ARE ALL ALIKE!" Mallory screamed. "I'LL SHOW YOU A MOON…"
"Goodbye!" Ray hung up. "I have had more pleasant calls from debt collectors."
He lay back and closed his eyes again. As soon as he did so the phone rang. "Oh please let it be a telemarketer…" Ray groaned as he went to answer it. "What?"
"Nice," Archer remarked.
"What do you want Archer?" Ray asked in a bored tone. "I'm busy. And aren't you busy jacking off to Veronica Deane?"
"You know already don't you?" Archer groaned.
"About you wanting to show your lover and baby mama a movie featuring a mama you'd love to…?" Ray began.
"I get it!" Archer shouted. "It was a bad choice! I already got an earful from Pam and Carol about it when I called them two seconds ago."
"Archer showing a Ronald Regan movie at a Democratic Rally is a bad choice," Ray said. "Having a lecture why Obamacare is Great at a Republican Rally is a bad choice. In fact, both Republicans and Democrats this year have picked some pretty bad choices!"
"Yeah I just got the message," Archer groaned.
"And you didn't even pay for your half of the dinner."
"She had a coupon!" Archer barked.
"And now Lana and your mother are having a conniption fit," Ray said.
"Wait how does my mother know…?" Archer asked. "She called Lana didn't she?"
"Yup," Ray said. "And she's called around too. Including Pam and Cheryl…"
"Why would Mother call Carol?"
"She's having a sleepover at Pam's," Ray said.
"My mother?"
"No! Cheryl!" Ray told him. "Or Pam is sleeping over with her? Or it could be they're not sleeping at all and causing trouble."
"Yeah that does make more sense," Archer admitted.
"Probably going to call Cyril next," Ray sighed.
"Cyril? Oh great! Cyril knows about this too?" Archer barked. "What is this? The town in Bye Bye Birdie? You remember? Where everyone was calling everyone else on the telephone?"
"I remember Archer," Ray said.
"What was the name of the town…?" Archer asked.
"Sweet Apple, Ohio," Ray said.
"Are you sure?" Archer asked.
"I played Hugo Peabody in our Drama Club's production in college," Ray said. "Trust me on this one."
"That was a good movie," Archer admitted.
"Speaking of movies," Ray began. "What the hell possessed you to bring Shanghai Moon on your date night? What are you trying to break your record for the longest dry spell?"
"Lana told you that too?" Archer shouted.
"Well that and the broom closet has been pretty quiet for the past few weeks has kind of been a clue," Ray admitted.
"Damn it!" Archer snapped. "Is this what it's like to be Cyril? Because let me tell you something…I don't like it!"
"Nobody does. Not even Cyril," Ray quipped. "Listen Archer. If I were you I'd run back to Lana and beg her forgiveness. You've got time. Cyril's off to rent Shanghai Moon…"
"It would be cheaper to buy a copy."
"Archer focus!" Ray snapped. "You have to talk to Lana now while Cyril is distracted. Before work."
"Ray, please! Lana is not going to go crawling back to that loser," Archer scoffed.
"That's what you said the first time," Ray pointed out. "Trust me on this Archer. Just go back to Lana. Say you're sorry. Maybe buy some dessert or something before you get there? She's kind of miffed about you stiffing her."
"She had a coupon!" Archer barked. "My meal was free!"
"It doesn't matter!" Ray snapped. "Just get back there and make up before you break up and Cyril jumps on her bones like the opportunistic vulture he has become!"
"Are you kidding?" Archer barked. "That's just what Lana expects!"
"What?"
"I know Lana!" Archer said. "She called you knowing that somehow you would call Cyril…"
"Cyril called me."
"Even more diabolical," Archer went on. "Giving him false hope that they would get back together when actually it's just a ploy for her to get me to be jealous! Well it's not going to work!"
"It's not?" Ray was stunned.
"I see right through her plan!" Archer snorted.
"Really? Because I see something else," Ray remarked.
"Lana thinks that she can use her irrational jealousy to control me," Archer told him. "But that's not going to work. If she thinks that she can get me to apologize to her for getting me to make her jealous, she has another think coming!"
"I have a question," Ray sighed. "Do you actually listen to the words as they come out of your mouth? Or do they all sound like the trombone player on Charlie Brown when an adult is talking?"
"It's going to be Lana who will do the talking when she apologizes to me!" Archer barked.
"Why would Lana apologize to you?" Ray groaned. "You're the idiot who screwed up. You apologize to her!"
"Not gonna happen."
"Then this is going to happen," Ray hung up. "Dear lord. Who needs to watch a soap opera? I'm living in one!"
The phone rang again. "Up next on As The Gay Cyborg's Stomach Turns…" Ray rolled his eyes as he answered it. "Hello?"
"Hey Ray!" Krieger was on the phone. "Whatcha doin'?"
"Trying to relax in the bathtub," Ray admitted.
"Me too!" Krieger was also in a bathtub full of soapy bubbles. "But it's not doing it for me. I tried to call Pam but her phone line is burning up."
"I know why," Ray groaned. "Say Krieger…Want to come over? I can tell you the latest stupid thing Archer did and we can watch Shanghai Moon."
"Oooh! I love that dress scene!" Krieger grinned. "I'm in. And let's get Chinese. I have a coupon!"