Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix, Keanu Charles Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Wallace Weaving, Laurence Wachowski, Andrew Paul Wachowski, or those really cool shades. Nor do I own the writings of Douglas Noel Adams, the author of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, now a major motion picture. Nor do I own McDonalds, or KFC.
Hanging the Matrix
Martin Dent wasn't having a very good day. Firstly, he had gotten sacked from his pizza delivery job. After that, his door had collapsed over and knocked his landlady unconscious. Then, a bird had dropped something not very nice on his motorbike.
Now, as he walked into a wall on his way home, he decided to commit suicide. That was how he found himself trying to inhale carbon monoxide from his motorbikes exhaust pipe in the car-park. Just as the gas reached his nose, it froze.
All those science nuts out there will be screaming that carbon monoxide just do not freeze for no particular reason, but in this case, there was a reason. Everything else had frozen as well. Even Martin, in his unusual position had frozen.
All this was largely the fault of a certain Mr. Thomas "Neo" Anderson. An employee of a respectable software company by day and a computer hacker by night. At this moment, Neo was hacking into the biggest computer network on the planet.
Something known as the Matrix.
This particular system was not meant to be hacked into for any reason whatsoever, so was relatively unprotected. Not only was Neo hacking it, he was re-routing several vital systems to some not so vital tasks. Like attempting to beat Minesweeper on Expert Level in 10 seconds.
While the countless numbers of computers were all busy with this near impossible task, something very strange was going on in a certain part of the Construct. A man, credited with the marketing of chicken fried with tempura flour, was sitting amongst a mass of TV screens, glaring at the message that was popping up on all of them. This was what it read:
Warning! Kernel Error 302! Please enter system disk and retry.
The Architect wasn't feeling up to cleaning up the Matrix. Anyway, the humans seemed to like having an imperfect world. It was none of his business. He reached for another delectable kentucky fried chicken and munched on it thoughtfully while he pondered over why the Matrix's sub routers were so busy trying to figure out how to beat a Minesweeper expert level game in 10 seconds.
Meanwhile, strange and curious things were happening in the Matrix. For instance, instead of Martin Dent inhaling carbon monoxide and getting killed, he inhaled carbon monoxide and got high. In fact, he got so high he fell off the roof and landed on his landlady, who was just recently discharged out of hospital after Martin's door collapsed on her.
In the hot humid land of Singapore, it started snowing and the tropical residents jumped for joy as the cool cold freezing frigid flakes touched the hot burning scalding warm pavement and created so much smoke that the entire country was covered in a thick layer of smoke that reached the skyscrapers.
In Iceland, the temperature increased drastically and the normally frigid place thawed out and the residents jumped for joy.
No matter where you are, there's always something wrong with the climate.
Meanwhile, Neo was happily typing in more commands into the computer.
I know what you did last summer.
The Architect blinked and scratched his head. Water the plants?
No, the one where you killed a certain actor in America, the one who crashed into a mountain because he thought it could be really thrilling to drive without headlights.
The Architect was feeling really confused now. He started on another chicken. He found that it helped him calm down.
I know why you sit, day and night, watching your TV screens. I know because I did that too.
The Architect typed back.
You like to watch videotapes of the certain actor in America who crashed into a mountain because he thought it could be really thrilling to drive without headlights, naked in the shower?
There was a pause.
You do that?
The Architect gave a look of guilty embarrassment.
I am not gay, I do not have photos of Trinity naked, I do not think Agent Smith is hot and I definitely do not kill certain actors who crashed into mountains in America because they were stupid enough to turn off the headlights on their motorbikes.
There was a longer pause, and the Architect spontaneously combusted. Just like that. One second he was all fine and dandy and the next, BAMF! I mean, he was sitting in a wooden chair but the chair didn't burn and all that was left of him was his eyes, and his teeth. And his ears. Those wonderful delectable ears fried with kentucky flour.
Me neither.
Neo received a sharp slap from Trinity, a leer from Smith and a rather rude hand sign from a certain actorwho crashed into a mountain in America because he was stupid enough to turn off the headlights on his motorbike.
Architect? Architect?
THE END
I know this wasn't as good as my other stories, but I wasn't feeling too well so please review anyway. I'm only 11 years old for crying out loud. A slightly prodigious 11 year old but I'm still 11 anyway.
Please review.