Oh my god I can't believe I actually wrote this. In 2 days! Anyway, hello everyone! I'm back with a new story! Wait, what?! Relax I'll be multitasking, it will mean slower updates for other stories, but my main focus will still be on ISWaQ. Cuz I need my Touken fluffs. XD
So this will be a parody of Root A. Since there were many things that made me wonder what the hell the producers were thinking and because I love comedy.
Credits will also partly go to gabyta07 and NeutralSide from My anime list forums, for helping me to come up with ideas.
This story will be as long as the anime 12 chapters, but well when you notice the length of the chapters that's still a lot. I may may not add some weird off-plot chapters. For more info about those well, check the author's note at the end of the story.
So guys get ready for this long madness ride!
I don't own Tokyo Ghoul! Ishida-sensei does and Pierrot is only responsible for the anime.
Le grande entrance
Hello bunch of peeps! It's thy time again! I bet weeks ago you were all impatiently waiting for that one hour to arrive, maybe not even slept properly, thinking about skipping class only for one day. Ready to wake up at 3 in the morning or rushing back home after your exam. Ready to hog the computer or laptop for yourself until the start of Tokyo Ghoul Root A episode one. All except the lucky Japanese bastards who bought a ticket to watch it Sunday with your black nail polish and your 'I Love Kaneki' shirts. Kaneki is probably flattered or doesn't give a damn, but hey, let's have a better look at what happened then, kay?
We just witnessed the disappointing scene where Kaneki devoured... half-devoured Yamori off screen. Thank you for the unnecessary censors Pierrot! And now our lovely, depressed, turned hero is getting himself ready for the upcoming battle! He turned around when he heard the sound of a scooter getting louder.
"Package for a Kaneki Ken?"
"That's me." The white-haired half-ghoul muttered.
"Please sign here, here, here, and here." The mail person said, not even bothered by his bloody surroundings. It makes you wonder how a simple mail person could enter the depths of Aogiri's strong hold without being spotted.
Kaneki does what the random mail person said and wrote his signature with a pencil covered in blood. He returned the paper and the mail dude checked it, frowning, while trying his best to read it.
"Next time, please wash your hands. I don't want to run after bloodhounds again just because another person smeared the paper in blood. Well, enjoy your new toy!" He handed over the package and drove away quickly.
Kaneki stared at the package, it had a note attached, with the words: here's your shitty thing, don't fucking lose it again because I won't send it anymore. Shitty Nishiki.
Without further ado the half-ghoul slipped on the mask (Ohhhhh, so that's how he was able to make it magically appear in the anime!) and headed towards the exit, while he walked super dramatically slow, kakugan also activating dramatically to make all the fans swoon. The background music started to play, wanting to show us how badass Kaneki had become. Because we all know badass characters have background music when they walk. *snort* Let's throw in the random crows for more drama. Ghouls and crows are such a good match, they both eat meat... human meat!
A few kilometres away at the same time, Hide was biking as hard as he could for no reason. No wait, there was a reason. He had lost a truth or dare match with his classmates at the university and had to film something scary and disturbing. I wonder how easy that is going to be.
"I don't know why I'm heading in this direction, since a puny human like me can't do shit and I don't see the point of watching while my best friend turns into a cold blooded cannibalistic killer, but I'm sure the nice people from Pierrot know what I'm doing!"
Whoops.
So he arrived a few kilometres away from the massacre, a chair tied up on the back of his bike, which he placed on the ground and sat there; popcorn and soda on his lap and a pair of binoculars hanging around his neck. "I'm so glad I got this automatic refilling popcorn. No matter how much I eat, it will duplicate itself within seconds! And if I get bored I can always shoot those annoying crows with this gun I brought with me!"
Is anyone else getting hungry? Because I am.
Since the anime skips to Yoshimura, we will do the same. Standing in his complete kakuja glory, glaring at Shinohara and Kuroiwa. "I'm acting all scary and mighty, but honestly I'm quite the softy. Look how many times have we crossed... weapons and I haven't killed anyone. If I wanted, I could make you all suffer."
Shinohara glanced at his whole team. "Well, Kuroiwa is going to stay, the emotionless Hirako too, and..." He glanced at Amon, who glared prideful and certain at their enemy. "Seriously, I don't know what to do with you... The manga tells me to send you away, but the anime tells me you should stay... Every replaceable trash can stay here... not sure if Hirako is replaceable trash though..."
The man frowns at the insult. He'll get him back one day.
Amon took a deep breath. "Justice has to be preserved! I have to cleanse the world from any wrong-doers! As FLOPPYMAN!"
"So does that mean that you'll stay?"
"... I don't know..."
Shinohara sighed. "Fine, go sit over there and contemplate your choice, we'll start the battle."
Floppyman did as he was told and sat in a corner, thinking which choice was better; manga or anime.
Gosh, this world is filled with idiots.
"Now it's time for our super ultra mega awesome super weapon!" Shinohara and Kuroiwa exclaimed in unison.
They both stood straight and did a sentai-like dance. "Super investigators, kakuja quinque activate! Arata Armour!"
The moment they threw their hands in the air a glowing armour formed around the two. Light emitted from the CCG investigators that blinded everyone. When Yoshimura opened his eyes, he almost felt like he'd die from laughter. Tentacle-like parts were tightly constricting the two men's private areas. It was uncomfortable for everyone.
"Shit! Wrong button!" Kuroiwa yelled.
"I can't take this! I should have gone to the strip club before going on this mission!" Shinohara admitted.
Hirako kept his neutral gaze and quickly took out his phone. He would have never guessed that he could take his revenge so soon.
"How dare you!" Amon exclaimed dramatically. "You're tainting the innocent minds of the children."
Not sure what he's talking about since Tokyo Ghoul is supposed to be a seinen manga and was converted into shounen anime by Pierrot, thank you very much for that.
"Silence! I will erase everything that's blackening this world, for my name is...
FLOPPYMAN!"
Now to Touka and Ayato. The two siblings were finally reunited in a heartwarming/breaking moment. Touka was sent flying against the wall by her brother.
"This organization isn't good for anything!" The teen yelled as she manifested her kagune and shot projectiles to her little brother.
*sniff* Such a sweet family reunion.
Ayato cloaked himself in his own kagune and lunged towards his sister. Too bad since he tripped on a banana and fell on the ground. His sister started to laugh.
Oh look Haise, I found your lover!
"So this is what Aogiri has given you? The ability of being a clumsy idiot! Hahaha! Oh yes, that's the perfect strength! Sign me up too, so I can become a complete dork!"
"Grrrrrr, shut your fucking mouth. Shitty aneki!" He also started to shoot his crystallized kagune. "That was just bad directing! I would have done it right if it wasn't for that stupid fruit!"
Don't insult the fruit, it has more feelings than you!
"No one asked you anything!"
The banana started to cry and ran away.
Happy now dude? Are you going to start your 'we're ghouls, we're monsters, human suck' nonsense?
"I fucking hate you!"
Kay, due to Ayato's bitching he decided to go for the manga version of his battle with his sister. So after beating her up repeatedly and some nasty words exchanged between the two that mostly contained sentences like: "You suck!" and "Oh yeah? Well, you suck even more", he started to munch on her kagune. Seriously, what kind of sicko are you? It's your own sister.
The barbarian ignored the narrator and continued to eat his sister like a savage.
"FLOPPYMAN punch! FLOPPYMAN kick! FLOPPYMAN headbutt!"
Yoshimura, the still filming Hirako, and all the other CCG members stared at the strange but amusing scene. Amon, having changed into his lame super hero costume, which consisted of a trash can covering his torso, two holes on the sides for his arms and two for his legs at the bottom and a garbage lid on his head.
"I don't know what's weirder. Amon-san's creepy hero complex or Marude-san's affair with his own motorbike..." One of the investigators mumbled.
"Marude-san, at least Amon-san is not doing it with his costume."
"You got a point."
Pfft, as if Amon is smart enough for that!
Behind his kakuja mask, Yoshimura was sad that he couldn't show off his badass skills.
"Un, ni, tre, four, cinco! Six, set huit nein! And dieci! I speak perfect French and Italian!"
At Yomo's side the three badass (2 crazy) ghouls continued to slaughter all the weaklings. Hah, what a feat!
Uta plunged his hands through... what's his name again's body... Ah Noro! "Hmm, not much resistance, is there?"
Yomo quickly rushed to the ghoul and landed a kick that would make Nishiki blush. The head flew off kilometres away.
"Dolce!" Tsukiyama exclaimed while kissing his fingers for no reason. Too bad for them, Noro regenerated. The three ghouls stared, baffled by their opponent.
"Let's not give up guys!" Yomo mumbled. "He has to have a weakness!"
Five billion-sixty, nine thousand, three hundred and five attempts later... nothing changed, cept for the three becoming extremely tired, covered in disgusting sweat and panting like dogs.
"Burning him didn't work, blowing him into pieces neither, drown him, melt into acid, sell him on eBay, but he's still here." the white haired ghoul grumbled.
Uta scratched his chin pensively. "Being able to mend himself after having his top knocked off like that, puts him beyond ghoulish healing abilities. You know, since he keeps regenerating how about we try something that will be harder to regenerate, but what?."
"Hmm his life force is astonishing." Tsukiyama mused. "I wonder what he tastes like."
There was a silence. Uta and Yomo both turned to the homosexual.
"Quoi?"
A few hours later.
"Keep eating! You're almost done!" Yomo encouraged... In a not very encouraging tone.
Tsukiyama closed his eyes and took another bite. He opened his eyes only to see that Noro was still there. The same as ever, unlike Tsukiyama who had gained like a hundred kilos. He practically turned into a giant fatty mattress.
"Sacrebleu!" The gourmet gagged. "My, my arms! I can't see my arms! NONONONONONO! I'm too tired to move! I can't get up, what happened?!"
The remaining ghouls just stared at the amusing sight.
"..."
Uta shrugged. "Well, that backfired unexpectedly." He lowered himself to the recently obese ghoul and started poking him with a stick. "Hey, this is kinda fun."
Yomo turned his attention to Uta. "So, we've gotten nowhere with this. Let's just go back to focusing on our mission."
"What about him?" The mask maker pointed to the purple homo.
"Let's dump him somewhere where he won't attract much attention... but it will be hard with only two people...
Noro's head snapped up as he excitingly raised his arms.
A few minutes later Uta and Yomo, with the help of Noro were dragging the fattest ghoul they've ever seen through the stronghold.
"I wonder how much he weighs now." Uta pondered.
The other two ghouls kept silent of course. They arrived at a quite vacant place with a hole in the ground.
"Let's dump him here." The ukaku ghoul said.
"Eh, what are you planning to do with me?" Tsukiyama asked. He tried desperately to move, but his arms and legs were too fat and before he could say anything else, a hard push from the three ghouls sent him over the edge.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
The fat ghoul quickly disappeared into the darkness.
Noro stared at the hole and took out a board with something written on it; I wonder where he'll end up.
A few floors lower, at a questionable safe house or a prison... It's hard to say with the anime. Banjou, Sante, Ichimi and Jiro just sat there being completely bored and useless.
"I can't believe those bastards from Pierrot wrote us out of the script!" Banjou complained.
His friends just looked at him. "Well, it's not like we had to contribute much. We're not that strong."
"But, but, we were responsible for a large part of the plot twist and character development later on!"
"The anime is going to take another route. That's why it's called Root A. Speaking of different routes, I wonder how we'll get out of this."
As if on queue, the four men heard rumbling from above them and before they knew it, an enormous pile of meat almost squished them. "Ka... Kaneki-kun... have I, Tsukiyama Shuu, saved you already?"
Back with the Kirishima siblings. Ayato, thanks to food poisoning, started to puke, while his injured sister laid there heaving in pain.
"You taste like crap, all right!"
"The... fuck... else would you... expect...?" The girl breathed out. "Since... YOU'RE... my shitty... brother...!"
Ohhhhhh burn!
"You fucking asked for it!"
On the next episode of Floppyman adventures...
Floppyman continues his assault on his higher ups, while everyone else just kept watching.
"Aren't we supposed to attack the owl? How did it end up like this?" A faceless investigator asked.
CCG two shook his head. "I don't know..."
The nameless faces glanced at the ghoul who seemed to be sulking at his lack of screen time. He looked so strong and dangerous as if he could pop their heads any second... Wait, he can do that...
"If Arata was aware of this... He'd be so ashamed of what the future had brought him," He mumbled. "Degrated to a mere sex toy. Humans are certainly terrifying creatures..."
Like a light switch turning itself on Arata started to resonate to the old man's comment and engulfed its host deeper into the kakuja. The two screamed in pain.
"Aaaarrgghh! This isn't what I signed up for!"
"Yes, yes a bit lower... I mean ouch the pain the pain! It's unbearable."
Speechless CCG, Hirako, who decided he had filmed enough and Amon, who kept rambling crap.
"Justice has triumphed, by the power of FLOPPYMAN!"
The manager of Anteiku decided he had seen enough and turned around.
"Ugh, wait owl!" Shinohara growled after the ghoul in pain. His puny attempts by crouching closer were all failing of course. "We're not done yet. Aaaah! Arata!"
"... I've seen enough. I gave you a chance to come at me, but apparently you have more important business to take care off. I'm also wondering how Hinami and Saya are doing." He mumbled the last part mostly to himself. He glanced back at the two men with the kakuja kagune. "May Arata's soul rest in peace."
Somewhere in limbo or an unknown realm the kakuja ghoul Arata is crying in a corner, from both humiliation and the fact that his cute kids are trying to kill each other. He probably wants to hug and baby them too. Gosh, he has such a big father complex.
Too bad for him, the younger sibling is nearly killing his older sibling, for insulting him. "You and our old man are both weaklings! Now I'm going to unleash all my miss directed fury on you!"
Tadadadah! Now we can guess what happens. Ayato tries to attack Touka again, but a tortured thin lump of fluffy white hair arrives at the right time and saves the princess from the dragon! Psychotic fluffy head jumps away from the bratty kid, holding his princess in bridal style!
"I'm not a fucking princess!"
He stands dramatically still, letting the wind whoosh awesomely through his hair. Because he has become a badass character so he has to show how awesome he is now!
And the annoying sound of the trolling crows screech through the scene. Seriously, what kind of dramatic effect can a stupid black bird give you? Cept the need to kill them.
Ayato glared at him like a gorilla. His hormone enchanted face covered by his locks thanks to the same wind. Sometimes you wonder; is he really a 15-year like brat?
Touka starts to grumble. "I fucking refuse to lose consciousness! And take on the stupid, helpless girl role!"
Sorry Touka-chan, but since Kaneki has received a lot of testosterone in this season, you'll have to be the helpless girl now. :)
"Fuck you!"
"Who are you talking to?" Whitey asked with his droopy gloomy eyes that make every fangirl/ boy go wild.
Meanwhile Hide continues to enjoy his popcorn and shooting down some annoying crows. He almost falls off his chair laughing when one crow hits an invisible wall or when another gets spattered by some random aircraft.
"I feel like a useless character here, but gosh, this popcorn is amazing!"
Let's skip back to the lovebirds!
"I'm sorry Touka-chan..."
"For what? Hearing my brother admit that he tastes like crap?"
"I fucking heard that!"
"Shut your fucking mouth Ayato! You may act high and mighty, but I still know about Bunchou!"
"Don't you dare to bring him up!"
"Tweet, tweet! How long did you cry when it pecked your hand? Or when you read that one manga where a girl was walking around with a dead bird!"
For the curious eyes, that manga is called sekai oni. There are some disturbing scenes in that manga, but Kaneki lovers can probably tolerate it.
"You... You meanie! I won't forgive you!"
Ayato broke down into sobbing like the little boy that he is.
"I'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyou!"
Tantrum baby Ayato's mood swing turned into rage again and unleashed another attack that of course was effortless.
Kaneki turns to Nishiki, who surprisingly arrived to the roof off-screen. How convenient.
"Here, please take care of Touka-chan." He placed the girl on the floor and turned towards her PMSing brother. Cracking his finger, while he felt something stirring inside. Something has to be done!
He skilfully appeared behind the boy, after some awesome evading skills, saying those ooww so familiar words, ready to unleash his anger. "You're Touka-chan's only brother. I won't kill you."
"And I should feel flattered! I'm tired of this crap! Let's end this like real man! With a dance battle!
~Just just dance!~
Outside in a place far, far away from the bloodshed and crazy characters, Eto and Tatars are just enjoying the view, of what's happening at their soon to be destroyed stronghold.
"Hmm, I like the rain." The mummy comments.
Her companion nodded.
"I wonder... We probably would be done sooner if we helped too."
"Yeah."
"Let's continue watching!"
"Sure."
"And kill those annoying crows, I don't see how they can make things here look better."
Wow, what character interaction.
~Ho Ho
When it's Christmas time
Everybody's waitin' in a big ass line
To sit on my lap
And beg for Elmo's, iPads, and crap
Brats are outta control
My elves are doing nothing but shovelin' coal
Older girls sit on me
And get their picture taken ironically
Girl look at that belly
Like a bowl full of jelly
As seen on the telly
It sticks out
I come down your chimney
Though it don't quite fit me
Why do I smell kindling?
Put it out
My doctor told me I had diabetes
That's what happens when you eat a hundred billion cookies
I still deliver all this booty.
It don't matter if it's drizzling, freezing, sleeting, blowin, snowin'
I'm Santa and I know it
I'm Santa and I know it
Oops, wrong lyrics... BTW, what's with all those repeatingly sceneskips?
Attack, dodge, blood, splash, heal, attack, dodge, blood, splash, heal, attack, dodge, blood, splash, heal. That's how it went for a while within the beat, Ayato attacks in a groovy style and Kaneki decides to give the boy some slack to fill his pride and go along with the beat, healing his wounds like its nothing, seriously I'd want such a fast healing rate! It's a good thing before you break that pride down and crush it into million pieces until you only see red. BLOODY RED AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's the way of the ghoul! Dance battles soaked in blood!
"I keep wondering if I should give you a lecture or just say what I want to say..."Kaneki mumbled. "Yes, a lecture would be nice. It seems like you definitely need a lesson to be taught." He felt like his fingers were trembling in pleasure at the thought.
"Just shut your fucking mouth and die!"
~That it's a thriller, thriller night
'Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would dare to try
Girl, this is thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight and share a killer, diller, chiller
Thriller here tonight
Groovy movements aaaand! Kaneki's suddenly appears in front of Ayato, showing a super creepy face, like a ghost's. Ayato screams like a little girl. While the fans all swoon.
"THE HELL I AM!"
Our creepy half-ghoul started to smirk evilly as he kicks Ayato two times; one in his stomach the other one in his dick. The boy cringed, but is stopped by Kaneki from collapsing on the floor. "Shut up and Listen, I'm talking!" Millions of fangirls scream in the background, 100 have been sent to the hospital due to blood loss, another one fainted.
The psychopath jumps away. The useless crows are still trolling around for no fucking reason. It makes them both irritated and me too, but they heard a few gun shots, some crows drop dead, others were able to escape and out of no where a dog appears and started to laugh. YAAY THE DEAD OF THE CROWS! At least a few...
"Damn that dog!" Hide growls from his seat. "This is getting serious! I won't let you escape this time!"
PETA would be so proud of him. Luckily for the plot Ayato and Kaneki are forced to ignore that.
"As I was saying I have the feeling that we'll get a better understanding if I educate you, don't you think so?" Another finger cracking. "I want, I need to..."
Explosion time! Noro appears out of nowhere with his cute board. "I'm getting tired of your shit." Takes out his monster worm kagune and kidnaps Ayato.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME DOWN, I'M NOT A LITTLE KID!"
The mute ghoul pushed his holy sign against the delinquent's face. 'Bro, I just fucking saved your life, besides, time's up. Let's get out of this shit hole, I've been traumatized enough by that fatty."
Jump, jump jump he goes! Away from the battle and Pierrot's claws, leaving our cannibal confused and frustrated. "I... What..." He checks his hands again, the trembling is still present, the unsatisfied feeling that something very important didn't happen made him nervous. He didn't know why, but something, very, very veeeeeryyy important was missing.
DAMN YOU PIERROT!
After some minutes of irritation from the manga readers, the whole building started to shake. Crap, Ganondorf tries to take the Anteiku party with him! You guys have 3 minutes to leave this place with your ghoul powers!
"No one here plays video games, so what's the point of bringing that up?" Nishiki mumbled, while he secretly hides his 3DS with Majora's Mask 3D.
Just get your fucking party out of there!
Sexy snowhead grabs the now unconscious Touka, who lost consciousness due to blood loss and exhaustion and silently walks towards the exits, trying his best to forget that gnawing feeling in the back of his mind. If they come across another Aogiri member he can mutilate that body whenever he wants.
With the incompetent CCG guys...
Owl had left a while ago, sick of the boredom, he decided to look for the two ghouls; Irimi and Hinami, who in the end had no purpose of coming here anyway. Yoshimura didn't know that the two left to look for a bathroom and hit some night club afterwards, because rules are there to be broken anyway and because they had been sitting there on that freaking spot for months! You probably have no idea how it feels to be stuck at one spot in crouching position because the animation studio is preparing for the next season.
At the CCG, Amon finally calmed down, better say, his colleagues attacked him with tranquillizers and decided to send him to some asylum for a while until things calmed down. Shinohara and Kuroiwa were released from their sexual desires and the humiliation of having an orgasm in front of their colleagues. That would be a few visits to the shrinks, also they couldn't take their armours off, so they had to send an emergency crew to them.
Hirako checked his watch. "We have 3 minutes until this place breaks down and the evil king will kill us."
Everyone else looked at him as if he had grown a second head, which to some of the nameless people was the case, because they went into battle right after smoking crack. Man, and their stuffed animal friends had told them so not to drive on the way or take a pit stop to make out with a wall near a snack bar. The CCG isn't that welcomed there anymore...
While the building continued to crumble a group of ghouls who didn't participate at all in the traumatising battles had their own battle to overcome... They were carrying, or trying to carry... No, more dragging the too fat overweight gourmet ghoul known as Tsukiyama Shuu.
"I can't believe we've been degraded to fat carriers!" Banjou mumbled.
"I want my money back!" Friend number one whined.
"Dude, we're not even getting paid!" Friend number two answered.
"Does Ishida-sensei hate us that much?"Friend number three wondered.
"KANEKI-KUUUN! I'M HERE FOR YOU! YOUR SWORD UNDER YOUR PILLOW! WATCHING WHILE YOU UNDRESS!" Somewhere behind his/ her screen a Tsukiken shipper fainted from blood loss.
The big harmless tank ghoul tried his best not to puke and erase the disturbing images that were about to form. "He doesn't need a diet, but a shrink and I probably too after I'm done with this..."
"Waaaahaaaa! My Yuka-chan! How dare that horrible brat kill the love of my life!" Marude whined in his safe war tank.
"Uhm Marude-san, shouldn't we worry about the investigators who are outside and pretty much getting killed."
"Screw those mother fuckers! Let that fat pig have them! None of them has ever provided me with the love and attention Yuka-chan had given me!"
"But... Yuka is your motorbike..."
The pervert glared at his subordinate. "How dare you insult my lovely Yuka-chan! You're not worthy of living! Leave this place and shoot yourself in the head!"
"But sir..."
"NOOOWW!"
The poor man said nothing and left the vehicle quietly. A few minutes later, several gunshots were heard, accompanied with agonizing cries from the pitiful investigator.
"When trash has to be thrown put. You do it now!" The man snorted and continued to weep, while he stared of a photo with his motorbike and him on the beach. He was wearing a speedo and Yuka a bikini. My eyes...
"You looked so hot in that! And the sex was so spectacular!"
I'm almost choking on my own saliva here.
"You're just a shitty narrator! So start acting as one!"
Sorry Marude-chan, but my job is to explain and comment on certain important or ridiculous scenes and entertain the audience. If they haven't died yet. Next scene!
Ganondorf's tower *cough* I mean Aogiri's stronghold is crumbling. And our main protagonist only stares at the scene. His attention returns to his love interest who's still lying there unconscious, completely vulnerable and a perfect target for some pervert's fantasies. So go on ahead Kaneki and knock yourself out!
"Couch couch. I'm still here!" Nishiki exclaimed.
Fuck, that's right... Can you maybe hum take a walk or something while... Hey, where the fuck are you going Kaneki! Come back an make out with that unconscious high school chick! ... Ass...
So Nishiki is left with Touka... And he has no clue what to do.
"How about you tell me?"
I don't have a clue either, in just a bunch of written sentences...
By the way, what has Suzuya been doing?
"I'm dragging Jason's body with me so I can finally get a new quinque!"
Ah yeah, conveniently, Kaneki only ate the bones, skin, muscles and organs, so Suzuya got a free kakuhou attached to some slow regenerating cells and a stinking foot after he just walked around the place off screen an killed a bunch of ghouls. Gross.
"I need to thank the nice ghost who gave this to me!"
Probably the deceased spirits of Yamori's victims. The manga-only mother and child and that useless couple from the anime that... Pretty much had no reason to be created since they didn't contribute anything to the story and only told lies to Kaneki. The person who was tortured before Kaneki, some old people, a transsexual, a clown I mean a real one. A ninja, samurai, sumo wrestler, one of Japan's previous ministers, Casper and lots of other unfortunate peeps. I guess they enjoyed the sunny scene of Kaneki beating the crap out of Yamori and cannibalising him. Karma is really a bitch. So Suzuya did all the awesome creepiness off screen without any sign of how he exactly got his hands on the death body... Again, thank you Pierrot for your details!
"A new quinque!"
Please wash your hands after this they probably reek of Yamori's feet.
Nishiki decided to figure things out on his own as he carried the still unconscious ghoul on his back. Is anyone wondering why the hell all that destruction didn't wake her up? He spotted Yoshimura with his back to the university student, his attention on something else.
"Manager? Where are Hinami and Irimi?"
The old man turned around. A frown present on his face as he showed the guy a note;
Hello Yoshimura-san,
I just wanted to inform you that Hinami left to look for a bathroom. We've been stuck at that spot doing seriously nothing and we got fed up with that, maybe we'll hit a club or something. Good luck with the episode!
Irimi & Hinami
"They ditched us!" The bikaku growled.
"They went I have fun without us..." The owl whined. "What a horrible episode, not only was I not able to show off my awesome skill. I had to listen to some middle aged man getting molested by Touka-chan's quinque turned father.
"Huh, wait, what?!"
"Don't tell her please. Fans still speculate that he's maybe being used for harvesting."
"WTF?!"
Walls, ceilings, floors, everything was crumbling, pretty much the same way as Ganondorf's castle in Ocarina of Time. The investigators, who were unlucky enough to be inside died one after another *couch couch* and those who were outside tried not to insult Marude or else try we're clandestine to commit shipokku. Not the traditional way, but the Marude way; shoot yourself repeatedly in the face until you don't feel anything.
Eto and Tatara kept staring at the building.
"We've been so useful here, haven't we?" The girl giggled.
"Yeah."
"But, the others aren't coming, huh? I wonder if they're dead. Tatara-san, how many do you suppose died?"
"About two hundred or so."
How the hell does he know? He has been sitting there on that pole the whole episode. Is he some kind of psychic?
"Maaaybe! Well, for the sake of those two hundred or so, we'll have to do our killing too."
"... We could have prevented that or have less deaths, if we just joined the battle."
"On the other hand, I don't feel very sad for their deaths. Nope let's just continue doing what we always do! I'm hungry by the way! Lets kill a government official next time!"
I wonder... What would the world be like if our leaders were ghouls...
Another super super far away place. Old doctor Kanou is simply staring at nothing.
"... I have no idea what I'm doing here, since my purpose in the anime has been completely pointless and my appearance here also!"
Kurona and Nashiro just stare at their lunatic daddy figure.
"Ne, Shiro, do you want to stalk onii-san for no apparent reason?"
"Sure, it's not like we have any other purpose here... Besides, bored."
"Have fun kids! Make sure not to get killed! And if you run into creepy, crazy female-looking guys, run away and don't stand there like an idiot while your sister gets killed!" Kanou waves idiotically.
Well, that was educative and deep...
Yeah the clowns/ Pierrot. I almost forgot about them. Currently, Nico is whining about the loss of his beloved (bi)shounen. Hahaha bishounen, yeah right!
"My sex nest is crumbling to the ground! Nooo all the unsuspected hot guys and children! Damnit Kaneki-kun and Ayato-chan are the only ones I haven't touched yet!"
"We are aware of your love for men... But dot abandon us. Guys aren't always what they seem."
You're also talking about yourself, you know that.
"Ah, anyway nee-san. You haven't been in touch with us since months!"
"Ah, I know, I know, I'm sorry for leaving the burden to you guys."
"Actually, everyone has ditched me. I've done all the work myself."
"That's probably your fault Koutchya."
".. It's Souta."
Wasn't that the name of the kid from the manga?"
"*sniff* no one remembers me."
No wonder your role has been very small and for now very useless in the anime.
"Waaahaaa!" Soutya runs away like a whining shoujo.
Wait the kid's name was Kouto! Oops.
"Oh my, you're such a heartless person narrator-san."
Well, excuse me princess.
"Well, at least the plan went smooth." Homosexual two put on his mask dramatically. "For we are; Pierrot!"
Uta just stared at the two idiots. "How did I get here without Yomo?"
During the aftermath of all the crap. The two traumatized investigators continue to just lay on the ground until someone arrives to get them out of their quinque.
"... We forgot to fight against the owl..." Kuroiwa stated.
"..."
"So what will happen afterwards?"
"... I don't know." Shinohara finally answers.
"I hope they'll get us out of these armours soon. I don't feel comfortable in them."
"When this is over... I'm going to remove it so this trauma will never happen again."
"Your wife will divorce you, if you do that."
"I'm going to end up in a coma anyway when this season is over and if she ever finds out what happened here, she will divorce me too."
"I forgot about that."
Smokey misty smokey misty! After too many scene skips our main character lost his way. He even forgot where he was planning to go, so instead he just walked around. Still wondering why he felt so uneasy. He cracked his fingers repeatedly, but only so little relief came from that.
He walked past an unconscious Floppyman, who still was wearing his stupid outfit, since his colleagues refused to touch that disgusting thing.
"... He looks familiar, but I don't remember encountering a hobo before..."
"FLOPPYMAN JUSTICE BEAM!"
... He was too crazy for Kaneki's taste to mutilate. So he walked over, stepped on the body and continued walking.
"FLOPPYMAN!"
"... Apparently ghouls aren't the only crazy ones..."
How can an unconscious person talk?
"The mission failed, and it's all that Suzuya's fault! If that brat didn't kill my lovely Yuka-chan! I wouldn't be a widower! My kids will never see their mother again!"
The whole CCG is quiet... "Sorry?"
WTF?!
On Marude's war dash is a picture with himself, him motorbike and 3 mini motorbikes with the man's haircut... This world is seriously messed up...
"They take after their mother, aren't they pretty?"
Everyone else quickly left the room, before they'd say anything else and would be forced to commit shipokku. Some
Actually did that after seeing the weird photo.
"Bunch of noobs. Anyway... We may have lost the war... But we achieved our goal! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh oh...
Quickly back to the main character before it goes wrong! Mr not yet Centipede-kun stands into a super dusty place, in fact. It's too dusty, so he starts to cough and gasp for clean air, he accidentally swallows dust and makes him cough even more. Yup, he's completely lost, what's even worse, due to his lack of words I'm forced to do anything here! I'm supposed to make fun of you guys! Don't stand there as a zombie, following everything without protest! Be a real dude!
Eto appeared out of nowhere. It makes you wonder how she knew that he'd be there.
"Booo! I'm a ghost! Try to follow my lead and you'll receive something special!"
Maybe I should lay off the Zelda jokes...
"Booohoooo behind you! Boooohooo the other side! I'm a ghost!"
After a few short seconds the girl left, freeing Kaneki from the sandstorm and the dust that makes him cough.
"I don't see the point in this scene..."
Me neither, but I think she was trying to say something.
"Yes! I'm a ghoooost!" Eto's ghostly voice repeats itself.
Smexy Whitey leaves just when it starts to snow, reminding us that it's December in the episode and thus, winter. Ah time to get to the painful moment.
At that same time... Hide went back to his bike, as his automatic refilling popcorn ran out of batteries and he had killed all the crows he could kill... The duck hunt dog on the other hand... Got away. He also ran out of things to film.
"Fuck, I'm out of ammo also! I'll he that stupid dog the next time!" He looks back at the crumbled building. "Well, lucky me, I had the best seat, too bad I couldn't witness the confrontation between Kaneki and Ganondorf."
FYI Kaneki totally beat the crap out of the pork king. He wasn't able to devour him or anything due to Pierrot's time and budged! But don't worry, we'll get another chance... Someday.
So Touka was sitting against a tree. She heard from Yoshimura that Hinami and Irimi hit the clubs. Nishiki apparently returned to drugsuse. She didn't even know she used drugs before. We're ghouls even able to consume drugs without piling their guts out? Anyway, she had to wait till the manager returned from finding Irimi and Hinami's current whereabouts. She didn't blame them, I mean they kinda tagged along for nothing, Hinami was only sitting there in a corner the whole time with Irimi, every person would feel useless and bored and run away. Operation safe the nerd became a complete failure. Or not completely, at least he got out...
Out of nowhere the said person stood in front of her. There is a silence between them, mostly because Pierrot decided it was horny for the fangirls to zoom at his balls. Seriously, what's the point of that! Is the director some Kaneki homofanboy?
Check the episode again at 15.15. Especially the horny fangirls and boys who can't get enough of Kaneki. Go and stare at the glorious dick of the infamous centipede! Pierrot you are a perverted studio! Do you zoom in male leads docks in very anime? Or is it only Kaneki?
"Can we please continue on with something important instead of my gender organs?"
Sure, go ahead and dump your sweetheart.
Touka sweat dropped. "Ugh lets just get on with this..." She turns towards her love interest. His expressions really changed since last time, don't cha think?
"Shut up. And you! You do know that if you're going through with this there's a zero percent chance of getting laid with anyone! As if girls are waiting for a jerk who only keeps empty promises! So what's your answer?"
"..."
Now time to choose your response!
Here are your possible answers!
1. I'm not going back to Anteiku. I'm going on a solo mission.
2. I'm not going back to Anteiku. I'm going over to Aogiri.
3. Let's elope together. The plot and your shitty brother can go to hell.
4. Let's conquer the world. Ghouls shouldn't be suppressed the humans should!
"The first two choices, made more sense than the other two."
They fucking don't! Now choose!
"... Touka-chan... I'm going to take option two."
The girl raised an eye. "What the fuck is that suppose to mean?"
"I'm joining Aogiri."
There is a silence.
"So... You are going to join the organization who was responsible for your kidnapping, torture of the last couple of days and for beating up those you care about."
"Yes."
"And you don't question that?"
"..."
"What do you expect them to teach you? How to be an expert on tripping over bananas?" Touka snorted. "What the hell made you think that is a good idea..."
"The voices in my head, who call themselves Pierrot.
"..."
"Also... There is something I have to do and I think joining Aogiri will help me finding that out."
"What?!"
"Bye."
If someone should receive the award for being the biggest jerk ever it should be Kaneki. So Kaneki leaves, while humming Let It Go for no apparent reason.
~furihajimeta yuki ha ashiato keshite
masshiro na sekai ni hitori no watashi
kaze ga kokoro ni sasayaku no
kono mama ja dame nan da to
tomadoi kizutsuki
dare nimo uchiakezu ni
nayandeta sore mo mou
yameyou
ari no mama no sugata miseru no yo
ari no mama no jibun ni naru no
nanimo kowakunai
kaze yo fuke
sukoshi mo samukunai wa~
Touka, being too lazy to get up. Just continues to stare. Yup, mission; safe the nerd was all for nothing. She and Nishiki got beaten up and had to endure all that crap for no reason at all, since the guy left anyway. It made every shot they've gone through useless. "Why the hell did I fall in love with a crazy psychopath?"
The end... Of the chapter!
Almost at least, since I don't really feel to mention anything about Kaneki's random sudden costume change, seriously, how were they able to get him one so fast and where the hell took that scene place?
Anyway, we end with the half of the Aogiri higher ups, walking ahead, Ayato was glaring daggers at Kaneki, while he hopes the time comes where he can beat the crap out of him. Fluffy psychopath, stared at his half-girlfriend's little shitty brother and crack's his finger.
There is that weird feeling again...
Holy sizzles! So much has happened! First of all, here's a list of the songs present in this chapter:
1. Just Dance by Lady Gaga
2. I'm Santa and I know- Parody from Key of Awesome based on the song I'm sexy and I know it
3. Thriller by Micheal Jackson
4. Japanese version of Let it Go from the Disney Movie Frozen.
There's so much I want to say and I don't know what exactly. I'm tired, school has me working like crazy. Too much to do. And I hope you guys survived this chapter. Haha!
I hope you guys enjoyed the jokes, Tokyo Ghoul Root A will be over in a bit more than 1 week. 1 day actually, luckily I'll be going for more weeks. Depending on how much time I have to work on this story.
Thank you for reading, if you guys are curious how the Ganondorf vs Kaneki battle went, I can post it as some special spin-off chapter! Please leave a review, tell me what you loved, what you didn't love, if there are some questions or if you want another strange off-screen scene as a special chapter.
Till next time.