By Calypso Diangelos
Summary: FBI field agents may get all the glory but it's the agent in the cubicle who unravels the mystery of Luthor-obsessivism. Clex. Post Legacy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Clark or Lex *WWWHHHAAAAA* *sniffles* I'm done now, Please don't sue me.
AN: I'm not normally a humor writer... yet here I am writing humor... again. Something must be awfully wrong down in hell.
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8:05 AM
Melinda Parker was pissed. She was always pissed on mornings when her coffee was cold and her shoes were new. To make things worse, the pile of paperwork on her desk had actually grown during the night. Stupid psycho Luthors - no wonder the world hated them.
"Hey Melly," Melinda's eye twitched. She hated the word 'Melly' almost as much as she hated going through the Luthor transcripts the day after the events occurred. "Looks like the night elves left you some work." Annoying-bastard-currently-working-on-Luthor-case smirked at her. Behind him, Big-ears-wearing-ugly-glasses-and-mismatched-tie winked at her. Melinda walked up to the two of them and smiled warmly - just before accidentally tripping and depositing half of her cold coffee on each of their suits. Suddenly, Melinda felt much better.
8:45 AM
The German expert was out on Maternity leave. The foreign diplomat translator was at a United Nations summit. Their 'general' linguist who spoke 23 languages (including 6 dead ones) was in Iraq - and Lex Luthor had chosen YESTERDAY to have an entire business conversation in German. Melinda was REALLY starting to dislike Luthors.
Babelfish - internet translator; that might help. Ten minutes later, Melinda banged her head against her desk. She seriously doubted Lex Luthor had said "Cradle robbing is ok if you give the lollipop a chimpanzee."
"You ok Mel?" The Agent in the next cubicle looked kind of alarmed.
"German." Melinda barred her teeth, unable to manage a smile. "It HAD TO BE German. I speak four languages. NOT ONE THEM HAPPEN TO BE GERMAN. And they give me GERMAN to translate."
"I read German." Suddenly, Agent Brynsten found herself hugged so tightly she literally couldn't breath. Melinda had obviously been behind that desk too long.
10:00 AM
Agent Brynsten had finished the translations. Melinda was now running through them and cross checking all parties for illegal activity. For the life of her, Melinda couldn't figure out what Lex wanted with a naked 10 ft statue of someone named Clark Kent.
Obviously, millionaire's were more eccentric than she'd thought. Flippantly, she looked at the photo that came with the tape. For a bald guy, Lex Luthor looked pretty good. Almost as pretty as the tall guy who's lips he was staring at.
11:30 AM
It was beeping.
Melinda had just finished documenting, investigating, and fact checking all of the documents from the previous evening - and her computer was beeping..
Hesitant to look at it, she wondered if this was punishment for having emailed herself that interesting picture of Lex Luthor (with his shirt torn open) shoved against a car by the pretty boy. (Sometimes, she asked herself if all FBI agents had warped bondage fantasies.) Melinda pouted, obviously it'd been a little too long since she'd last gotten laid.
Unfortunately, the computer was still beeping. Sighing, she went to go see what it was and found herself with a new email.
Melly,
I need you to go over the documents from yesterday morning again. Take a closer
look at anything involving a reference to Clark Kent from the past month. Report
findings to Special Agnet In Charge Morrison tonight at 7:00 when I make my
report. Don't be late.
The bastard hadn't even signed the email. Melinda felt her eye want to twitch again. She really had to correct that habit. After she battered Agent-I'm-too-good-to-sign-email's head in with a baseball bat. Unfortunately, that would have to wait until tomorrow; Frowning, Melinda again buried herself in paperwork.
1:30 PM
Her stomach was growling. Melinda wasn't a happy camper when her stomach was growling. This was definitely not her day. She had not had lunch yet - instead she was buried neck deep in Clark Kent allusions - which managed to include conversations with the cook, Lana Lang, Lex's father, Clark himself, and about half a dozen others.
For a moment, Melinda was feeling extreme envy. She had stumbled upon a picture of Kent's girlfriend and Lana Lang had the type of hair she had always wanted. Momentarily, Melinda paused to wonder when she could get her hair straightened - and if it would get a millionaire to come sit in her cubicle and hear HER whine. Melinda sighed, she had been working on this case too long. Lex Luthor was getting well.... yummier by the hour - and Melinda didn't date bald men. Then, irrationally, her mind went back to the straightening idea again. Melinda paused - a thought occurred to her. Quickly, she went for the phone.
"Hi Jannie? I want to order two dozen daises... yeah, deliver them to a repair truck parked under the overpass in Smallville... Yes, Smallville Kansas...No I don't think it'll compromise the case... Yes I'm fully aware of his allergies.... good, you hate him too? Thanks!" Life was suddenly good again.
3:00 PM
Food. Must. Have. Food. Must. Find. Food.
Melinda was hungry - ravenously so. Reading a conversation between Lex and his cook about a Friday night dinner were not helping things. "Hey Mel, you still working on those files." And then she smelled it. Food.
Melinda's eyes snapped up. Agent Brynsten was standing there with a freshly baked potato. Food. Melinda's eyes widened, her smile became feral. Agent Brynsten was alarmed. Following Melinda's gaze, it took her a moment to fully comprehend what was going on. "Ok Mel, just calm down." Setting the baked potato down on the counter, she raised her hands up and slowly backed away.
Food!
5:00 PM
"We both know you have an entire archive dedicated to the mystery that is Clark Kent." Melinda froze. Literally froze in mid keystroke. Suddenly, she knew. SHE KNEW! It aaaallllll made sense. Crazy billionaire's crazy sons. Crazy billionaires. SHE KNEW. Quickly, she fumbled her way through some old Luthor files, bar fights and drug busts at Club Zero.
Melinda KNEW - and she was mad.
Mad that she'd not gotten any coffee.
Mad that she'd missed lunch.
Suddenly, that eye felt an insane urge to start twitching again. Staring at the screen, she growled - and then she stopped. Melinda Parker grinned.
Revenge time.
7:00 PM
"Agent Parker. I didn't know you were on this case." Agent Morrison looked genuinely confused - Melinda tried hard not to look annoyed - had she been behind a desk that long?
"Well sir, I guess we're all full of surprises." Melinda cast a sidelong glance at Agent I'm-looking-smug-because-you're-the-desk-jockey.
"Well, what's the report? I hear that this investigation has been redirected towards someone named... Clark Kent?" Melinda smiled, a predator's grin.
"Sir, I'm afraid the Luthor case is being mismanaged. Man power and resources are being badly wasted." Suddenly, someone looked not so smug, "I've spent the last ten hours researching this supposed lead about Clark Kent. The boy in question is minor living on a farm with a habit of being a klutz, a girl who's trying to break up with him and nothing worth investigating. Lex Luthor - who is known to swing both ways - apparently has a crush on the boy and Lionel is trying to straighten his son out. Sir - We," Melinda was referring to the rest of the in-office team working on the Luthor case, "have been working nonstop to uncover the sordid, unethical, illegal, truth that LEX LUTHOR is gay."
Next to Melinda, Agent Sheepishly-sinking-into-his-seat-while-trying-to-cover-his-ass was looking decidedly unhappy. "Well there's still Dr. Swann..."
"Dr. Swans is a confined paraplegic whose only interest in Clark Kent is that the boy can do his leg work and set foot on Luthor property - including a certain Native American cave."
"The boy's a minor." Agent I'm-trying-to-save-my-dignity replied.
"With an obsessive crush on his ex-girlfriend - I don't think he and Luthor are having sex. Especially since both parties are going to Luthor for advice" She refrained from adding. Which is probably why they're breaking up. That type of comment wouldn't help her case. uilty, Melinda allowed two pictures of Luthor and Kent to flash through her mind. "Having a crush on your best friend isn't a crime - and not something agency resources should be spent investigating." Agent Morrison was fuming. Melinda's day suddenly seemed a whole lot better.
"Agent Parker, you're dismissed. You - stay. We obviously need to have a conversation about investigative procedures." As Melinda walked out of Morrison's office the Cheshire cat's grin just wouldn't go away. Revenge was sweet. Momentarily, she wondered if Agent My-ass-is-so-in-deep-shit know that Morrison was a closet homosexual. Probably not.
Paper Pushing? Not so bad after all.
Fini