Title: Life, Love and the Universe
Author: kodiak bear
Cat: Gen, angst
Word Count: 1400 +
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers for Trek XI
Summary: Spock Prime endures many thoughts.
AN: The scene between Jim and Spock!prime in the cave on Delta Vega really tears at me. What was that like, for Spock? To see Jim again, to be thrust back in time where all his friends are alive again, young, starting out, yet the instrument of that situation was the loss of his world, his mother. This is my best attempt to figure out some of what he was thinking and feeling. This is so short that if I need a beta for it, slap me.
Life, Love and the Universe
by kodiak bear
Logic does not account for miracles, fate, coincidence. Call it what you will, Spock has stared too often into its countenance to deny its paradoxical existence. Days ago, he set a course to save the galaxy; he did succeed but lost a world, and set into motion events that delivered horrible, terrible ramifications.
Time travel is not new. It is no longer even the daunting prospect that it once was. Yet, Spock feels very alone, finding himself thrown back to a time where he no longer belongs. When Nero captured him, had in fact been lying in wait for Spock to arrive, he had known then that his error would not go quietly with a whimper. Nero took great pleasure in informing Spock of the lengths he would go to see justice served. The pain he was willing to spread throughout the Federation. An innocent Federation, for the Federation of this time had no such knowledge of the tragic events to befall Romulus one hundred and twenty-nine years in their future.
Left on Delta Vega to watch helplessly as his world was destroyed, Spock found himself inexplicably at odds with his human side. Vulcan was gone; the timeline had been irreversibly altered. To change it now would take more than Spock had. Though he knew there was a small outpost, he sought solace in a cave, seeking to return his inner thoughts to the stark, bleakness of his previous Kolinahr teachings. He had not even been certain he would leave the cave again.
It was illogical, therefore, to expect the intrusion, but when it arrives, Spock acts reflexively. A life is in jeopardy; grief and age are no excuse to sit by and do nothing. The unexpected truly comes, though, when he turns and stares into a much younger face, yet so achingly familiar that it makes him state stupidly, "James T. Kirk."
Illogical, because this Jim was not his Jim. And Jim's confused, "Excuse me?" only serves to remind Spock of that.
Still, he cannot help himself, believing in the unbelievable. "How'd you find me." He ignores the sharp lump in his throat, the visceral response that no amount of training can keep from welling up within him. Jim! Beautiful, young, vitally alive. It was as if the universe had gifted Spock one small compensation for his recent pain and loss. The fact that it meant so much would have shamed his younger self, but he no longer fights against such illusions as an emotionless response to his friend, this friend.
"Woah, woah..." Climbing unsteadily to his feet, Jim asks, bewildered, "How d'you know my name?"
Spock is far older than he was even when he last saw Jim, and Jim was far older than this man in front of him is now. Would he have recognized himself if the situation were reversed? He does not have an answer and he tries to not feel the pang of hurt. Instead, he says, "I have been and always shall be, your friend."
Jim doesn't believe Spock; Spock cannot fault him. His friend shakes his head, "Wha..." he laughs, "Uh, look, I don't know you."
"I...am Spock." It is all he has left; it was all they'd ever needed.
Jim pauses then, locked in time. His stares, stupefied. He searches for the answer in Spock's face, his eyes. He cannot seem to override the laws of physics that he knows. "Bullshit," he denies, but the spark of curiosity, possibly recognition, is not wholly imagined, Spock believes.
~*~
There were defining moments in Spock's life. Cornerstones that set him on paths that had more than once saved the Federation, Starfleet, Earth, and many more lives than he could count, including his own and his friends. When he hears Jim say that his younger self is the Captain, he realizes that is one change that must not happen; not yet. He had much to learn, back then, and without Jim's influence, without the influences of the entire Enterprise crew, Spock does not believe that the future would have been as it was.
It is imperative then, that Jim's path be corrected; that he assume command of the Enterprise from Spock's younger self.
Perhaps he could have explained everything. It is even logical that Jim would have believed. But when he asks what Spock knows about Nero, there is an opportunity, and it is one Spock cannot deny. He moves towards Jim before he even realizes he is moving. It takes Jim's wariness, the slightly panicked, "woah, woah, what'd you doing?" to make him realize he must slow down, reassure this Jim. But his reassurance is cursory, abrupt; need drives Spock at times harder than any logic ever will.
The moment his mind connects, it is like coming home. He lets the events unfold, a story filled with images and emotions, even while he seeks to feel Jim. There is more pain here than he remembers, more anger, and desire burning hotter and stronger than Spock is prepared for. He lets slip some of his own control while he tries to cope with the emotional barrage he has unaccountably let loose. This Jim lost his father, grew up fighting against the very future he was meant for, but beneath the ripples of differences, the core still resonates. It is Jim. And Spock cannot breathe for one second in the miracle of having this again.
And in the next, knows he cannot ever have it again. He lets the remaining facts of his story play out in Jim's mind. Before he can, Jim breaks the meld, withdrawing, gasping, overwhelmed. Spock is contrite, apologizes; hurting this man is the last thing he ever wished to do. In fact, he fears he has much to make up for.
Telling Jim about his father, about his pride and his captaincy, are one small step. Getting him back where he belongs, is another.
~*~
It is after they are gone, that Spock finds a quiet corner and sits. Scotty. The realization that they were alive, all of them, had always been there, but seeing them again, hearing them – where is the logic in his response? How can one be jealous of oneself? While he does not envy his younger self the trials he must face, he does envy his younger self the company he will get to keep in the foreseeable future while he does so.
Spock had made no plans to leave Delta Vega, but now, he realizes that nothing can keep him here. If Jim succeeds, and Spock does not doubt that outcome, he will return to Earth, speak on Jim's behalf if it is necessary. And if not, he will offer his services. It will be difficult, knowing much as he does of the future, but events have already been altered; it is impossible to predict just how much of his past, their future, will or will not come to be. Will Jim relive losing Edith? Will Leonard reconcile with his daughter before she is grown? T'Pring...did she perish? Sarek, he knows from his mind meld with Jim, is alive, but his mother is not. Nero cost Jim his father and Spock, his mother.
The events that allowed Spock to see his friend again did not come without a steep price.
But in his mind, he remembers the touch of their two beings. He will always have that comfort as he tries to live where he does not belong. He will be able to follow the Enterprise's progress, her missions, and if there ever comes a time where he can save any of their lives by giving his, Spock will. He is grateful that option exists.
It is illogical. To account for his love, his life, and the universe. But it is what it is, and Spock will do his best to make sure it continues. Whatever it takes. And, as another dear friend once said, logic be damned.
~the end~