A/N: This particular one-shot has been in my head for a while now, ever since Ellen McLain said one line in particular in an interview that... well, could be interpreted in a certain way. So, I decided to poke a little fun at that (and Portal pairings in general) with this little one-shot. Also, I couldn't help but sneak a few Internet references in here, since the Internet does play a part in the fic itself, Anyway, let's start this thing!
Disclaimer: I do not own Portal. I also do not ship Chelley (except on occasion in human form), WheatDOS, ChellDOS, or (as this fic's main topic) CaraDOS - no matter what Ellen's statement could imply to some certain-minded people. The only Portal pairing I truly ship romantically is Caveoline. Everything else is friendship-wise.
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"Pardon me. I've got to go poke out my mind's eye."
- Frasier Crane, Frasier, "The Ring Cycle"
Aperture Science always had been one for strange occurrences and testing. As such, a day that would seem ludicrous for a normal bystander - going through tests with a portal gun as an AI watches you - was simply normal testing protocol at the large underground facility. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as that funhouse of science was concerned. If one could pinpoint a definition of "normal" for the facility, that would be it.
In contrast, however, a normal activity for regular technological society - like, say, aimlessly surfing the Internet - was unusual by Aperture standards.
Especially considering the AI was allowing another to do said web-surfing.
With a slight shake of her head, GLaDOS turned herself around in her chamber so she could face the small, far inferior laptop computer sitting on a desk, the view partially blocked by the human who was sitting in the desk's metal chair.
Sometimes GLaDOS couldn't believe it was this human, of all people. Why did I go and separate her from me again? Oh, right, it was so her nagging in my brain would stop! At least I don't have her voice in my head anymore, though even now she still nags me sometimes. At least Caroline didn't hang around her all the time, and it was almost nice, having one of her only friends hanging around.
The supercomputer resisted the urge to exclaim this and trained her gaze on the human. After all, the subject her friend was looking up was rather perplexing, even for Aperture standards. No, especially for Aperture standards.
"Found anything else of interest, Caroline?"
Caroline didn't turn to face GLaDOS, but shook her head - not as an answer to the AI's question, but more of a gesture of disbelief. "A lot. More fan art and fanfics, game playthroughs... This is so odd. This is very, very odd."
The human was looking up information on Aperture and its various going-ons. From... somewhere else in the world? Black Mesa spying that watched everything? A parallel universe? Either way, it was quite a staggering thing to learn that there were two games based off of the adventures of Chell - Caroline's biological daughter and GLaDOS's adopted daughter - and how she tried to escape the Enrichment Center. And the people who played those games did so in Chell's point of view, of all things! No matter where they were getting this information from, it was both intriguing and disturbing.
"I'm glad Chell doesn't know about all this," Caroline muttered. "I don't think she'd take it too well."
"I know of a certain someone else who didn't take it too well."
The human turned her head a little. "You mean yourself?"
GLaDOS shrank back defensively, trying to deny any fact that she had, indeed, not taken it too well. But she hadn't. If she had been in that potato from that certain incident a while ago, she very likely would have fried it. "Actually, I was talking about you. You were trembling like a broken washing machine when you found out." A sigh. "Well, at least you weren't twitching like a mental patient as much as when you read that one story about ponies and cup-"
"Don't say it!" Caroline interrupted. "That fanfic wasn't as friendly as the title sounds! I couldn't look at cake for a week after that, let alone eat it!"
GLaDOS's only reply was a light chuckle. She had read the story after Caroline had, and actually found it quite entertaining - which is why she couldn't help reading it's subsequent sequels and alternate endings. They may have been about ponies, but they were entertaining in an extremely dark way. That may not have been Caroline's preference of reading, but it suited the AI just fine.
"Anyway," Aperture's ruler turned her attention back to the task at hand, "what is it you're doing now?"
"Watching an interview with Ellen McLain."
Now that was interesting. And kind of unsettling, considering the reality of who the woman was. "Our... voice actress?" Even merely thinking that caused the computer to feel somewhat uncomfortable. This particular tidbit was what had her and Caroline leaning toward the "accessing a parallel universe" theory. It made her wonder though if there was a universe out there where she actually voiced the woman in a video game.
"Mmhmm."
"Anything of interest?"
"Well, it's near the end of the interview, and someone asked if she thought I was gone for good.
"And?"
Caroline had had the volume turned down so as not to disturb her friend. "She doesn't think I'm deleted at all."
The AI sighed in relief. "Seems someone has some sense. Then again, she'd better, she voiced us!... Which, I must add, is still very disturbing."
What Caroline heard next, however, filled her now Internet-riddled mind with implications she didn't really want to contemplate. Perhaps it was because she had browsed one TV Tropes page too many.
"I think GLaDOS likes Caroline," Ellen McLain said in the interview.
"Woah woah, time out!" Caroline babbled, pausing the video and whirling around in her chair to face the aforementioned AI. "I really hope Mrs. McLain wasn't implying anything with that!"
Aperture's AI tilted her head. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh, right," the human laughed a little nervously, remembering that the volume was turned down low. "It's just... what Mrs. McLain just said..." Caroline shook her head. "She said 'I think GLaDOS likes Caroline'."
The AI stared blankly at the human.
Caroline still looked stunned. "I think Rule 32 is applying here, at least the TV Tropes definition..."
"What?" As intelligent as GLaDOS was, she was unaware of the Rules of the Internet. One never knew of the crazy things that humans uploaded onto there, so Caroline was the main web-surfer of the two. Not to mention all the knowledge about herself and her world disturbed her to no end, parallel universe or not.
"Apparently there are 'Rules of the Internet'," Caroline explained, making "air quotes" as she said "Rules of the Internet", "And Rule 32 - that is, to TV Tropes, the rules keep changing - is 'Any line can be interpreted with a sexual connotation. No exceptions'."
GLaDOS's optic dimmed, the implied wording suddenly hitting her as she connected that Rule with Caroline's repeat of their vocal counterpart's statement. "Oh no... so that line could be interpreted by certain individuals as..."
Eyes shifting nervously, the woman looked down and nodded. "Uh huh."
"... indicating that you and I are..."
"Yeah."
"... attracted to each other..."
"Exactly."
"... In that kind of way."
"Unfortunately."
The two of them stared at each other in a shocked silence. Neither of them moved.
"... That is so wrong," GLaDOS said bluntly.
Caroline nodded in full agreement. "That is, as the Nostalgia Critic said in his Star Wars Holiday Special review, 'a holocaust of wrong'."
"There's a holiday special of that series?"
"Don't watch it," Caroline warned, "just don't."
They stared at each other again.
"So, uh..." Caroline finally spoke, breaking the uneasy silence, "you don't like me, do you?"
GLaDOS moved her head a bit closer to Caroline, not answering for a time. As much as she hated to admit it, she really did like Caroline - as a friend, of course. "... I must admit I do feel a kind of affection toward you-"
Poor Caroline fell out of the chair in shock, the metal clatter ringing in her eardrums. "You WHAT?"
GLaDOS drew back, realizing the potential unfortunate implications of what she had just said. No, no, no, that had not been what she meant! "I didn't mean it like THAT!" she clarified hurriedly in as forceful a manner as she could muster.
"Oh... you didn't?" Caroline relaxed a little, getting up and picking up the chair again to set it in its proper position. "Thank. Goodness."
A sigh emitted from the computer's speakers. "The Internet is an unpredictable place, Caroline." GLaDOS reluctantly felt as if she were talking to a small child.
"Tell me about it," Caroline said quietly. "And don't get me started on the Chell and Wheatly pairing fics, human and core form..."
GLaDOS's optic dimmed, stunned as she moved her head closer to Caroline. "Wait, wait... You've seen fanfics that pair together Chell and... the moron in his sphere form?"
Caroline nodded.
Fuming, the AI began to mutter. "Human I can almost understand, but my adopted daughter and a core being romantically involved? How do people come up with these things-"
Caroline looked even more nervous now. How was she supposed to break the news to GLaDOS that that wasn't the worst of what she had seen? "And there's, well... um...
"There's what?" This was just getting worse and worse for GLaDOS by the moment.
"There's a few fan pieces out there... pairing her up with... you."
"WHAT?" Okay, that was one of the most ridiculous (and disgusting) things that GLaDOS had ever heard. "She's my adopted daughter, for crying out loud!"
"And they give those pairings names too," Caroline added, disturbed as well. "Chelley and WheatDOS and ChellDOS..." A reluctant pause, hoping that there was nothing of what she would next say. "... Probably CaraDOS for us..."
The two shuddered a little at the implications, especially of the last two.
"As for my earlier comment, I simply meant that I feel a completely platonic friendship toward you," GLaDOS clarified in exasperation. "No Rule 32 or 34 or whatever crazy Internet rules are applicable with my connection towards you."
Caroline, who had just been recovering from her mental implications as GLaDOS assured her that she felt a completely platonic affection toward her, paled as the AI mentioned that other rule. One of the few Rules of the Internet that was the same on every single page about Internet Rules. Her brown eyes widened. "... OH MY GOSH YOU CAN'T MEAN-"
"What now?" GLaDOS snapped. What was up with Caroline this time?
"Y-You..." Caroline looked about five shades away from Conversion Gel in paleness. "You mentioned R-Rule Th-Th-Thirty-Four."
"There really is a Rule 34?" GLaDOS had no idea what Rule 34 was - she had just stated it as a random number - but she could guess from Caroline's reaction that it was bad. Potential unfortunate implications bad.
"Y-Yes." Caroline began stepping back, her eyes closed and her hands on her head. "Oh my gosh, Oh. My. Gosh..." She shuddered. "You HAD to put THAT mental image in my head... potential CaraDOS... Rule 34, OH MY GOSH, WHY?"
GLaDOS was somewhat impatient. "Caroline, what exactly is Rule 34?"
"It's..." Caroline's eye twitched, "it's... it's... OH GOSH I NEED BRAIN BLEACH! I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!" The human was practically pounding on the sides of her head as she ran out of the room, looking as if she had just been mentally scarred for life.
GLaDOS was hesitant about looking up what Rule 34 actually was. From their topic of discussion and the "I-am-now-mentally-scarred-for-life" look on Caroline's face, she could guess that it was very very bad. Part of her told her to just stay away from it.
But curiosity got the best of the AI, and she used a claw to pick up the laptop and bring it down closer to her.
"... I can't believe I'm doing this," GLaDOS muttered to herself as she used a much smaller claw to type in the Rules of the Internet on TV Tropes. Sure enough, there was Caroline's definition of Rule 32. She did not like to think about it, and resolved herself to thus never watch any Portal interviews, to avoid that kind of "CaraDOS" implication popping up, or any other weird fetishes, for that matter.
Then she looked down at Rule 34.
The AI froze. Her optic trained on that rule before she drew back in shock and repulsion. No, no, no. Caroline couldn't have been talking about that... "OH GOSH, NO! YOU ARE KIDDING ME!"
She now knew why Caroline had torn from the room screaming about Brain Bleach. The AI hoped and prayed that there wasn't anything like that in terms of their 'relationship'. The implications of this Rule were just too terrible to think about.
"I... HATE... YOU... INTERNET!" GLaDOS screeched. She had half a mind to smash the small laptop to bits. Now she needed Brain Bleach, or a memory wipe, or something to rid her of the terrible mental images in her mind:
Rule 34: There is porn of it. No exceptions.
And as the AI continued to look at the TV Tropes' list, it only got worse for her mental imagery:
Rule 35: If no porn is found of it, it will be made.
Rule 36: No matter what it is, it is somebody's fetish. No exceptions.
Rule 284: What has been seen can never be unseen. Even the post clearance that's coming up.
GLaDOS, like Caroline, twitched a little at the implications of this. The terrible, horrible, implications. She did not want to think about it. Ever ever ever. Why did Mrs. McLain say it like that? Why must the Internet be so messed up? WHY does Rule 34 exist?
Aperture's reigning AI had half a mind to delete the terrible mental images as soon as she could. She saw no purpose in any mental images of her feeling that towards Caroline. Or Chell. Or Wheatley. Or, well, anyone. No purpose other than mental scarring.
She could delete things from her memories. Rule 284 on TV Tropes couldn't apply to her, right?
But Caroline was a different story. She was human, and thus subject to Rule 284. And as far as GLaDOS knew, there wasn't any Brain Bleach around in Aperture, or anywhere.
GLaDOS sighed. She decided that she'd do at least one more thing before deleting those terrible "CaraDOS" mental images. If she didn't do that, Caroline would likely get worked up, GLaDOS herself would look up what she was talking about, and it might result in having this stunned breakdown all over again:
Create Brain Bleach.
Fast.
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A/N: Poor Caroline and GLaDOS, scarred by pairing implications! And yes, all you MLP:FiM fans, that was Cupcakes that GLaDOS referenced, I couldn't help it! It was fun writing this, especially with all the Internet references, even if the subject was kinda squicky... *puts Brain Bleach on table for those who need it before it's taken by Caroline* And yes, I know on some other listings, Rule 32 is basically "Pics or it didn't happen", but TV Tropes was the first one I looked at and I thought it fit in the fic's context anyway, even after looking at the list's other variations. Remember to review!