"Merry?" Pippin asked one fine afternoon.
"Yes, what do you need." Pippin sighed and gave Merry a shy glance.
"I, um, think I need to see a doctor." Merry looked at his friend with concern. Pippin wasn't the type to readily volunteer to visit the doctor, especially after what happened the last time. Merry shivered, flashbacks of Pippin threatening to jump off the waiting room coffee table with his pants down and swinging a pineapple over his head while singing "John Henry was a Steel Drivin' Man." How the hell it happened, Merry couldn't say.
"What's wrong, maybe I can help?" Pippin shook his head. "Oh, why not?"
"You see Mer," Pippin said softly, "I think.."
"What?"
"I think I have The Cancer!" Pippin broke down into tears. Merry shook his head.
"Now, what gave you that idea?"
"Cause, I was reading this book and," Merry slapped Pippin across the face.
"What have I told you about reading?"
"I'm sorry, I was bored!"
"Didn't I but you a tomato? Isn't that fun to play with?"
"Yeah, until I ate it!"
"Pip," Merry said sternly, "I can't have you reading books. It gives you stupid ideas about what is what. Now, go back home and take a nap or make a sandwich or hammer your hand to the door I don't care. Just stay away from books!" Merry said nothing else after that, and Pippin went off on his own, his impending doom still hanging over his head.
Back out the house, Pippin started starring at the wall. He was terrified of getting into more trouble with Merry, but every now and again his eyes strayed to the book shelf. One little glance couldn't hurt. Pippin got up from his spot and tip toed over to the cornucopia of unbound, wait, bound knowledge. What to pick?
"Lookie here!" Pippin shouted to no one particular. A pamphlet on some variety was resting on a pile of dusty books. Looking it over, Pip realized it was the same one Merry had gotten from the free clinic when he had knocked up all those girls. Pippin scratched his chin in thought.
"I'll go to the free clinic!" He finally shouted! Stuffing the pamphlet into his coat, Pippin set off down the road in a random direction because he was an idiot.
Hours later.....
"Hooray, donuts!" Pippin loved the free clinic. Everything was free. Free magazines, free chairs to sit in, free year old peppermint mints and free donuts. "Yum Yum."
"Why Pippin, what are you doing here? Did you forget where you lived again?" Pippin turned around to find Legolas, the mystical prince elf of bound, I mean unbound, magic.
"Hi Leggie. No, I know where I live. I live in a house in the shire."
"Which one."
"Dunno," Pip bit into a donut.
"Well then, what business do you have here?" Legolas asked. Pippin's smiled soon turned to a frown.
"Leggie, I forgot." Pip bit his donut again.
"Oh, don't worry, I'm sure it'll come to you. Besides, if anything is wrong the doctor will know!"
"That's totally chill! Leggie, why are you here." Pippin ate his donut, there was no more.
"I, uh, um, I have uh," Legolas began to look very uncomfortable.
"You have the runs?" Pip suggested. A bunch of people looked up and stared at the prince.
"Um, no, I don't Pip. I'm fine."
"Then where are you here? You want donuts? You must be a really poor prince to swindle sick people outta free donuts."
"Greenleaf, Legolas?" A voice bellowed from the office door. It was the doctor, the suspiciously familiar looking doctor.
"Oh, thank you Dr. Aragorn," Legolas cooed seductively, getting up from his spot. Aragorn winked at his patient and led him to the back.
"Goo!" Pippin cheered, "more donuts!"
After Pippin ate all the donuts, the nice receptionist lady came out and refilled the plate.
"You sure love those donuts," she smiled.
"I sure do! They taste good and make me warm inside like a toaster over!" The office door swung open again revealing yet another doctor. This one was very similar to the first, what with his long hair and beard.
"Glassgow, Jane," the doctor said plainly. Pippin looked up, spots of jelly on the side of his mouth. "Oi, Boromir! You work here too? Wait a ding! Aren't you dead?"
"No."
"Cool." Pippin scarfed another bear claw.
"Excuse me," said an old woman, "May I please see the doctor now?" Boromir didn't look up at her, rather, kept his attention on Pip. "Excuse me, you called me, Doctor?"
"Shut up and sit down, be-iotch!" Boromir yelled, "Took, Peregrin, you're up!"
"But doctor, my arthritis!"
"Didn't I say shut up?"
After closing the door and making doubly sure it was locked, Boromir got down to "checking" his patient.
"So now," he said quietly, slipping on some rubber gloves, "what seems to be the problem?" The gloves napped into place, making Pip jump from his seat.
"I, uh, well Boromir, I forgot."
"Oh really? Well then, I'll just have to check every inch of you out.." Boromir's glove clad hands reached out for the small hobbit. Pippin swallowed hard. Luckily, a small bit of paper caught the doctor's attention has be began to undo pips coat.
"What's this?" he mumbled, looking it over. "This is from our clinic, but we don't keep these in the waiting room." Pippin scratched his head trying to remember what he had placed in his coat. "Pip, are you sleeping around?" Boromir asked, handing back the pamphlet. Pippin looked it over. Indeed, it was all about pregnancy.
"I don't think I have.." Pippin said. This was all pretty confusing.
"Or even worse," Boromir whispered, though Pippin couldn't see this getting any worse, "you're pregnant!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"Where the hell is that coming from?" Pippin asked.
"Sounds like Dr. Aragorn's office," Boromir sighed, "dammit he's so lucky."
"How would I get pregnant?" Pippin asked, feeling a bit queasy.
"Duh! Magic!" Boromit crossed his arms across his chest.
"But who? Who is magical enough and hates me enough to.?" Pippin paused for thought. "Oh no! Gandalf!" Dun dun dun!!!!!!1111111111
"Oh crap," Boromir shouted, "I was just kidding, but you may have a point!"
"Are you sure it isn't my index or something?"
"Um, where's your index???"
"I don't know!" Both men were screaming and Pip was close to tears.
"Well, have you done anything, well, pregnant like today?" Pippin wiped a few tears from his eyes and tried to remember.
"Uh, I ate like fifty donuts!"
"Unusual cravings." Boromir scratched his chin.
"I'm gonna be a mommy!" Pippin sobbed.
Meanwhile....
Aragorn shook his head, as Legolas's ears picked up on the conversation in the next room.
"So, Boromir knocked up another one, eh?"
"Sounds like it," Aragorn grumbled, trying to put his pants on.
"So, Aragorn," the prince said, lifting his naked body of the ground, "have you thought about my offer?"
"Changing my WWF poster for one of those inspirational cat ones?"
"That, and about Gimli." Aragorn froze and turned back to the elf.
"Oh hell no I'm not doing a threesome with that troll!"
"First off he's a dwarf, and second he's not so bad when the lights are off." Aragorn felt a bit sick.
"It's just the idea of it, all that hair, and his stupid accent. Ugh, I bet he has a bunch of cheesy lines and calls you baby, right?" Legolas didn't answer, and Aragorn assumed he was right.
"I don't care what you say Ranger, I love that Gimli! You're just a sex toy as far as I'm concerned!"
"If wasn't so damn hairy you wouldn't have to make the excuse that you have to runs just to come fuck me!" Legolas, in a very cute way, scowled at Aragorn before slamming the door behind him. Aragorn stared at his sweet WWF poster for a while before coming to a realization.
"I need his sweet ass."
Eh, chapter one. You lucky fucks there shall be more. How will this resolve? I dunno, I don't plan this out.
"Yes, what do you need." Pippin sighed and gave Merry a shy glance.
"I, um, think I need to see a doctor." Merry looked at his friend with concern. Pippin wasn't the type to readily volunteer to visit the doctor, especially after what happened the last time. Merry shivered, flashbacks of Pippin threatening to jump off the waiting room coffee table with his pants down and swinging a pineapple over his head while singing "John Henry was a Steel Drivin' Man." How the hell it happened, Merry couldn't say.
"What's wrong, maybe I can help?" Pippin shook his head. "Oh, why not?"
"You see Mer," Pippin said softly, "I think.."
"What?"
"I think I have The Cancer!" Pippin broke down into tears. Merry shook his head.
"Now, what gave you that idea?"
"Cause, I was reading this book and," Merry slapped Pippin across the face.
"What have I told you about reading?"
"I'm sorry, I was bored!"
"Didn't I but you a tomato? Isn't that fun to play with?"
"Yeah, until I ate it!"
"Pip," Merry said sternly, "I can't have you reading books. It gives you stupid ideas about what is what. Now, go back home and take a nap or make a sandwich or hammer your hand to the door I don't care. Just stay away from books!" Merry said nothing else after that, and Pippin went off on his own, his impending doom still hanging over his head.
Back out the house, Pippin started starring at the wall. He was terrified of getting into more trouble with Merry, but every now and again his eyes strayed to the book shelf. One little glance couldn't hurt. Pippin got up from his spot and tip toed over to the cornucopia of unbound, wait, bound knowledge. What to pick?
"Lookie here!" Pippin shouted to no one particular. A pamphlet on some variety was resting on a pile of dusty books. Looking it over, Pip realized it was the same one Merry had gotten from the free clinic when he had knocked up all those girls. Pippin scratched his chin in thought.
"I'll go to the free clinic!" He finally shouted! Stuffing the pamphlet into his coat, Pippin set off down the road in a random direction because he was an idiot.
Hours later.....
"Hooray, donuts!" Pippin loved the free clinic. Everything was free. Free magazines, free chairs to sit in, free year old peppermint mints and free donuts. "Yum Yum."
"Why Pippin, what are you doing here? Did you forget where you lived again?" Pippin turned around to find Legolas, the mystical prince elf of bound, I mean unbound, magic.
"Hi Leggie. No, I know where I live. I live in a house in the shire."
"Which one."
"Dunno," Pip bit into a donut.
"Well then, what business do you have here?" Legolas asked. Pippin's smiled soon turned to a frown.
"Leggie, I forgot." Pip bit his donut again.
"Oh, don't worry, I'm sure it'll come to you. Besides, if anything is wrong the doctor will know!"
"That's totally chill! Leggie, why are you here." Pippin ate his donut, there was no more.
"I, uh, um, I have uh," Legolas began to look very uncomfortable.
"You have the runs?" Pip suggested. A bunch of people looked up and stared at the prince.
"Um, no, I don't Pip. I'm fine."
"Then where are you here? You want donuts? You must be a really poor prince to swindle sick people outta free donuts."
"Greenleaf, Legolas?" A voice bellowed from the office door. It was the doctor, the suspiciously familiar looking doctor.
"Oh, thank you Dr. Aragorn," Legolas cooed seductively, getting up from his spot. Aragorn winked at his patient and led him to the back.
"Goo!" Pippin cheered, "more donuts!"
After Pippin ate all the donuts, the nice receptionist lady came out and refilled the plate.
"You sure love those donuts," she smiled.
"I sure do! They taste good and make me warm inside like a toaster over!" The office door swung open again revealing yet another doctor. This one was very similar to the first, what with his long hair and beard.
"Glassgow, Jane," the doctor said plainly. Pippin looked up, spots of jelly on the side of his mouth. "Oi, Boromir! You work here too? Wait a ding! Aren't you dead?"
"No."
"Cool." Pippin scarfed another bear claw.
"Excuse me," said an old woman, "May I please see the doctor now?" Boromir didn't look up at her, rather, kept his attention on Pip. "Excuse me, you called me, Doctor?"
"Shut up and sit down, be-iotch!" Boromir yelled, "Took, Peregrin, you're up!"
"But doctor, my arthritis!"
"Didn't I say shut up?"
After closing the door and making doubly sure it was locked, Boromir got down to "checking" his patient.
"So now," he said quietly, slipping on some rubber gloves, "what seems to be the problem?" The gloves napped into place, making Pip jump from his seat.
"I, uh, well Boromir, I forgot."
"Oh really? Well then, I'll just have to check every inch of you out.." Boromir's glove clad hands reached out for the small hobbit. Pippin swallowed hard. Luckily, a small bit of paper caught the doctor's attention has be began to undo pips coat.
"What's this?" he mumbled, looking it over. "This is from our clinic, but we don't keep these in the waiting room." Pippin scratched his head trying to remember what he had placed in his coat. "Pip, are you sleeping around?" Boromir asked, handing back the pamphlet. Pippin looked it over. Indeed, it was all about pregnancy.
"I don't think I have.." Pippin said. This was all pretty confusing.
"Or even worse," Boromir whispered, though Pippin couldn't see this getting any worse, "you're pregnant!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"Where the hell is that coming from?" Pippin asked.
"Sounds like Dr. Aragorn's office," Boromir sighed, "dammit he's so lucky."
"How would I get pregnant?" Pippin asked, feeling a bit queasy.
"Duh! Magic!" Boromit crossed his arms across his chest.
"But who? Who is magical enough and hates me enough to.?" Pippin paused for thought. "Oh no! Gandalf!" Dun dun dun!!!!!!1111111111
"Oh crap," Boromir shouted, "I was just kidding, but you may have a point!"
"Are you sure it isn't my index or something?"
"Um, where's your index???"
"I don't know!" Both men were screaming and Pip was close to tears.
"Well, have you done anything, well, pregnant like today?" Pippin wiped a few tears from his eyes and tried to remember.
"Uh, I ate like fifty donuts!"
"Unusual cravings." Boromir scratched his chin.
"I'm gonna be a mommy!" Pippin sobbed.
Meanwhile....
Aragorn shook his head, as Legolas's ears picked up on the conversation in the next room.
"So, Boromir knocked up another one, eh?"
"Sounds like it," Aragorn grumbled, trying to put his pants on.
"So, Aragorn," the prince said, lifting his naked body of the ground, "have you thought about my offer?"
"Changing my WWF poster for one of those inspirational cat ones?"
"That, and about Gimli." Aragorn froze and turned back to the elf.
"Oh hell no I'm not doing a threesome with that troll!"
"First off he's a dwarf, and second he's not so bad when the lights are off." Aragorn felt a bit sick.
"It's just the idea of it, all that hair, and his stupid accent. Ugh, I bet he has a bunch of cheesy lines and calls you baby, right?" Legolas didn't answer, and Aragorn assumed he was right.
"I don't care what you say Ranger, I love that Gimli! You're just a sex toy as far as I'm concerned!"
"If wasn't so damn hairy you wouldn't have to make the excuse that you have to runs just to come fuck me!" Legolas, in a very cute way, scowled at Aragorn before slamming the door behind him. Aragorn stared at his sweet WWF poster for a while before coming to a realization.
"I need his sweet ass."
Eh, chapter one. You lucky fucks there shall be more. How will this resolve? I dunno, I don't plan this out.