Title: Habet
Prompt: Pope!fic
Warnings: Work-related groping. Crack. Humor.
Disclaimer: Naruto and all affiliated characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. This story is written without permission and for personal/fan/nonprofit entertainment purposes only.
The College of Advanced Jounin, following the proscribed amount of time, met after Tsunade's death.
Kakashi, surprising no one, showed up late. He was, however, wearing the appropriate ceremonial robes. Because of this, he was permitted entrance to the meeting room. All heads turned as Kakashi entered, unconvincingly murmuring his apologies. Kakashi felt a collective sigh of relief at his appearance, but perhaps he was imagining things.
"My Eternal Rival!"
"Morning, Gai," Kakashi casually saluted. "Sorry about missing the vote."
Gai laughed, his teeth gleaming in the dim light of the room. "You didn't. We were waiting for you."
Crap on a cracker.
"I don't think - "
A purposeful look filled Gai's eye as he advanced on Kakashi. "Please, Kakashi -"
Kakashi slowly backed up. "If this is what I think this is -"
"You need to allow the process to happen - "
Gai's teeth really were mesmerizing. Kakashi could see how his reputation as a slayer of both sexes was made. His own words failed him. "But this isn't - "
"For the Good of Konoha -"
"But -"
Then, the clincher. "If you really didn't want this, you wouldn't have shown up."
And then Kakashi found himself making one last step backward and sitting down on a chair. This was no ordinary chair. This was the much rumored sedia stercoraria, the waiting chair with a hole cut through the seat, designed so that it drained chakra from the seated while unspeakable things were done to their persons. Then he was blindfolded. Ye gods. What awfulness was about to happen to him while in this vulnerable position?
"Get the Camerlengo!"
In no time at all, he felt a touch on his bare ankle. The hand rose. Gently, knowingly, confidently, the hand stroked his testicles, carefully separating them, as if counting. A brief, warm shot of chakra buzzed through him. For unspeakable awfulness, this was not so bad, Kakashi thought. He rather liked it. He didn't mind it continuing. If he thought about it - the touch and the chakra was actually rather friendly, sweet and loving and - oh. It was gone. And he missed it.
"Duos habet et bene pendentes," said a voice Kakashi could have sworn he knew, but could not identify. The impression was immediately lost, gone in multiple, confusing layers of sound, as the rest of the jounins muttered, satisfied, "Habet."
The blindfold was removed. Kakashi watched as the hat of the Hokage was carried toward him and then placed on his head.
Historians and casual spectators alike noted that it was on the third day of voting that white smoke billowed out of the chimney of the meeting room of the College of Advanced Jounin and into the sky over Konoha.
A new Hokage had been chosen and found satisfactory.
Tsunade had been right, Kakashi thought, weeks later. Being Hokage was a terrible job. A job fit solely for masochists and madmen.
There was a knock on his door.
Kakashi smiled. Still, it was undeniable the job had its perks.
Iruka Umino stepped into the room, carrying several large folders. It had been years since Kakashi had last spoken with him, not since Naruto was his student. But he had been aware that Iruka had moved up in the administrative hierarchy, away from the mission desk and towards the archives.
It was hard to deny, the man still looked good.
"You asked for the official historian of the Hokages?" Iruka asked, his posture perfect as he stood in front of the Hokage's desk.
"Explain to me the chair," Kakashi said.
Iruka dropped his folders onto the small corner of Kakashi's desk that had remained clear. He shuffled through some papers. "The traditional seat of the Hokage? It's designed after the Daimyo's -"
"No. The sedes stercoraria."
Iruka flushed. Gamely, he said, "The chair is so that the Chamberlain of the College can check to see if the Hokage is, uh, intact."
"Why?"
"This was one additional method to make sure eunuchs, such as Orochimaru, who sacrificed their bodies and various organs for forbidden jutsu, never became Hokage."
"This makes no sense - Tsunade wouldn't have stood for something like that."
"Tsunade had other tests done," Iruka said.
Kakashi waited to see if Iruka would enlighten him.
Iruka gathered up his papers, his well-shaped hands shoving them into folders. "Well, if we're done with this session, I have lesson plans to give to the academy teachers."
It appeared that enlightenment would not be forthcoming. Kakashi asked, "What sort of tests did Tsunade have done?"
"That is between Tsunade and the Camerlengo at the time. There are no formal records and I can't speculate as to what went on." Iruka frowned his disapproval of the question.
"Who is the Camerlengo now?"
"The position is vacant now that a new Hokage has been selected. You will need to select one soon."
"So what does the Camerlengo do?"
"The Camerlengo takes care of a number of duties in the inter-Hokage period. It's a fairly important position." Iruka cocked his head. "I'm surprised you haven't gotten through that part of the manual."
Kakashi gave a weak smile, feeling like a kid explaining how his dogs have eaten his homework. "I've been busy."
Iruka nodded. "Then I will leave you to your work. Good day, Lord Hokage." His steps toward the door were halted with Kakashi's next words.
"Can you tell me one thing?"
"Of course," Iruka said, pivoting back toward Kakashi. "Anything. Within reason."
Kakashi could not believe he was asking this, but the whisper of memory of the assured, gentle touch on his nether regions was driving him crazy. "Who tested me?"
Iruka coughed. "That is generally not known to the Hokage -"
"It would be a shame," Kakashi said, playing his sudden hunch, "because I would like to get to know that person."
Iruka turned the color of a beet.
Oh, yes. Kakashi smiled. "I've never met anyone else who had such a fine touch - "
Kakashi hadn't realized it was possible to be even more colorful than a beet, but Iruka managed.
"Or such a pleasant chakra around such a private area - "
Iruka made an awful sound, caught somewhere between a strangling groan and a tea kettle whistle.
Kakashi's new job was a tough one, reliant on ridiculous amounts of paperwork and only for those devoted to self-inflicting pain. Then again, it definitely had its perks.
A/N:
Camerlengo= Italian for Chamberlain, an official position of the Papal household
"...subsequent popes were subjected to an examination whereby, having sat on a dung chair containing a hole called sedia stercoraria, a cardinal had to reach up and establish that the new pope had testicles, before announcing "Duos habet et bene pendentes" ("He has two, and they dangle nicely"), or "habet" ("he has 'em") for short." - Wikipedia, Pope Joan entry.
Most other background information comes from the wikipedia entries on the College of Cardinals and the sede vacante entries.