Obviously I do not own The Fault in our Stars- I give my deepest respect and gratitude to John Green for writing such an amazing story and inspiring me so much.
Drenched in sweat, gasping for air I woke up- my heart beating faster than I think it had ever before. The gasping was party because I had fallen asleep without my BiPaP. Frantically thrashing about the bed in the pitch dark room in sheer terror, I hit something.
"Ouch- Hazel Grace?"
"Oh my god. Thank God. Thank you thank you thank you".
"What's wrong?" A now wide awake Augustus Waters said with an intense amount of anguish in his voice, a sound of petrification.
"Thank god, thank you so much god" I repeated, tears beginning to stream down my face, my breaths shallow and rapid, sobs and more praises the lord being uttered. I collapsed into Augustus' gallant chest, putting my ear to his chest, desperately searching for a soothing influence to calm my fear- I found it- the deep thump thump thump of his heartbeat. He was Alive, he was still there.
"What's wrong Hazel?" He urged, his voice near breaking- something I had never heard before. I just kept sobbing. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me tight into his chest- the warmth and comfort of his heartbeat calming me.
"I'm here, I'm here" he urged.
I just looked up, my eyes bloodshot and wet, my cannula dripping with fluid from my nose. "I love you" I said. "I love you" I repeated, over and over.
"I love you too Hazel Grace" he said, still worried "What's wrong?"
"I...I...I dreamt" I didn't want to complete the line, a paralysing fear that my dream might have been a premonition.
"You dreamt what?"
"That you…that you" I burst out in tears again. He knew.
"Hazel Grace, you're the one who's dying- I'm riding a roller coaster that only goes up, remember?" He said with a slight scoff. I tried a chuckle, but was still so worked up.
"You're…you're not…in recurrence?" I finally asked.
"There's life in these bones yet" He answered, smiling.
"But your shoulder- the winces?"
"A disadvantage of only having one leg, sometimes you fall down" He tried to sooth me, rubbing my back, holding me against his bare chest.
"Oh…thank god. I love you so much" I cried, looking up at him.
"Hazel Grace, my stunning beauty has caused many girls to lapse into controllable bouts of crying, but none have ever looked as beautiful as you"
That's why I loved him.
"Hang on", I said, finally regaining some composure "What time is it!" It was 3am Amsterdam time.
"Your mother called earlier looking for you, hours ago – I told her you'd lost your key and needed to rest, that you'd come up here and that it would be cruel to wake you" Augustus recounted with the sort of proud smugness that came over him when he spoke of his fabulous charm deceptions.
"She agreed but insisted several bottles of oxygen be brought up, just in case, and that you go to be hooked up to the BiPaP as soon as you awoke".
"So she. Came in here?" I said, alarmed as I realised my state of undress.
"No no" Augustus chuckled "Wanted to protect your modesty"
"Oh please"
"Alright, not wanting to cover your stunning body" he continued "I insisted on fetching the bottles from your room myself"
"Mother agreed to that?"
"Well it was either that or wake a sleeping angel, which I'm far too much of a gentleman to do – or dress a sleeping angel, which I had neither the inclination nor the creeper credentials to achieve"
I chuckled "You are something else Augustus Waters" He just reached for some tissues and leant down to clear the tears from my eyes, my face still pressed against his chest.
"I certainly am" He beamed his crooked smile and all my fears seemed to melt away.
"Hang on" I finally said "So you didn't go down to my room…dressed like that!"
"Hazel Grace, I intend the memories of this trip to last for my lifetime, I don't want being arrested for indecent exposure to be one of them" Saying such a thing as only he could.
"You just had to get naked when you got back into bed?" I said, bemused.
"Well…I didn't want you to feel immodest" He grinned.
"Indeed" I said, my voice trailing.
"Your dream must have been really bad?" My sweet Augustus asked- his love so obvious.
"It was…but I don't want to talk about it…I just want to forget and to be with you here." With that I nuzzled into his chest again- I never wanted to let go.
"Alright" He said slightly confused, but accepting. "I love you"
"I know".
For the longest while we just stayed like that- reviling in the quite pleasure of our own company. It was as if the universe had faded away into the nothing and we were two stars floating in space. The perfect satisfaction of silence, Augustus' heartbeat helping to calm me from the most awful dream imaginable- A world without Augustus. It was selfish I knew, to want to hold on to him forever- inevitably forcing him to bear witness to my own untimely death. But humans are by nature a selfish bunch and as much as I tried to be different, I did care- nothing is harder than letting go of the one you love.
Finally, I spoke "It took my believing I had lost you to realise how much I needed you. How I'll have you forever"
"I know exactly how you feel, Hazel Grace"
"You snuck into the ICU, didn't you?"
"You know?"
"It came to me in my dream….as part of the most wonderful things you wrote…that I read after you…after you" I began sobbing again.
"I'm perfect in all realties my dear" He said, chuckling- his slight arrogance with his crooked smile always made me feel better.
"Now" He continued "Perhaps we should get you back to your mother"
"Maybe- though I'd like to just stay here with you"
"I've heard worse ideas".
What do you think? I haven't written anything in almost 3 years and reading the fault in our stars has inspired me to try and write again. I would love some feedback and encouragement to go on – if anyone is interested in my imagining an alternative universe where Augustus didn't die.
I think it would be interesting to imagine a context where Hazel and Gus could discuss his eulogy and for the story to continue – would anyone be interested in that? Please let me know.
Best wishes.