James Potter's Best DeQueering Plan Ever!

by ThisCouldTheoreticallyBeSparta

Sirius and Remus want to come out, but James is not happy about his best friend-cum-brother being gay, so he sets up a horrific plan to straighten him again ‘again’?

JAMES POTTER'S BEST DE-QUEERING PLAN EVER

Or

WHAT PROBABLY ISN'T THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND COMING OUT

Author: Pixie-Rings

Fandom: Harry Potter

Pairing: Remus/Sirius

Genre: humour bordering on crack, romance, angst

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Belongs to J.K Rowling. If I were she, I'd be rich, which is a reason not to sue me. I own nothing except the clothes on my back, the glasses on my face and the cats on my sofa.

Word count: 7,641

Warning: silliness, mean!James

Summary: Sirius and Remus want to come out, but James is not happy about his best friend-cum-brother being gay, so he sets up a horrific plan to straighten him again ('again'?)

A/n: My first LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG fic. Comments are love! 3

xxXxXxx

"I've decided!" Announced Sirius. He was looking at Remus from upside down as he let his head drop over the armrest of the sofa in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room.

"What have you decided?"

Remus didn't look up from his homework as he answered, sitting in his favourite huge armchair.

"I think we should come out." Sirius said. This time Remus did look up, an eyebrow raised.

"Come out?" He repeated.

"Yes. You know, like, go public with… with this." Sirius waved his hand over himself and Remus in a slightly overdramatic way.

"Why?" Remus asked mildly, putting his quill down. To his surprise, Sirius blushed and shifted slightly in his position.

"I want to take you on a date. A real date, like anyone else can." He muttered. Remus chuckled.

"Oh, Pads, you incurable romantic." He said fondly. Sirius picked up a red cushion and threw it at him.

"Shurrup." He mumbled trying to hide his deep crimson flush with his arm. Remus caught it with a snigger and tossed it back, where it landed on Sirius's chest with a soft thump.

"And how do you propose we do this? Not even James and Peter know." He said. Sirius shrugged.

"I was going to just tell them, and let the rest of the school figure it out by the way we act." He said. Remus rolled his eyes.

"You're not planning on proposing to me at breakfast, then?" He enquired, folding his arms. Sirius grinned and rolled over, placing the cushion on his back.

"I was actually thinking of bursting out of a giant cake and yelling 'I love Remus J. Lupin' in the middle of dinner." He replied, earning a laugh.

"We have to think this over, Padfoot." Said Remus, becoming serious again. "We don't how they're going to react."

"I'll deal with James." Reassured Sirius.

xxXxXxx

Unfortunately, 'dealing with James' proved easier in words than in deeds. For three days he couldn't manage to corner his acquired brother – there was either Quidditch or Staring at Evans or Cursing Snape – 3 o'clock on the agenda. In the end though, he did manage to talk James into interrupting his busy schedule of Chess with Peter to go on a kitchen raid (which were just like indoor picnics, really, given a harder name to enlarge the teenage manhood they had to maintain; after all, it's not as if they had to nick food or anything, not with the House-Elves practically throwing it behind them as they left.). As they left through the portrait hole Remus gave him a wink from across the room, which Sirius answered with a grin and a small wave.

Once there, now James was eagerly tucking into a toffee éclair, he raised an eyebrow to Sirius.

"You've been desperate to talk to me lately, Padfoot. Something wrong?"

Sirius nibbled on his slice of battenburg half-heartedly. "Not something wrong, no, but there has been something I need to tell you."

James nodded understandingly (though what he understood was beyond Sirius) and started on the shortbread biscuits. "Fire away."

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck nervously, wondering how to start. "Well, you see… You know what Moony is, don't you?" He said, marvelling at his own genius. James nodded again.

"A werewolf." He said. Sirius frowned.

"No, er… The other thing Remus is." He prompted. The dawning of comprehension on James's features was rather comical, akin to the rising of the sun on the savannah.

"You mean the gayness!" James declared triumphantly, pointing at Sirius. Then he frowned slightly, the bewildered expression just as funny as the dawn of understanding.

"What's that got to do with you?" He asked. Sirius's own expression was somewhat pained. Normally James was remarkably quick on the uptake. What was going on in his mind? Was it the sugar? Sirius surreptitiously moved the plate of pastries from his friend's reach and continued.

"Well, you see… I am too."

The dawning comprehension returned, and was instantly replaced with one of abject horror.

"WHAT?!" He yelled, leaping back from the table and falling over flat on his back.

After a moment of silence Sirius stood and looked over the table to see James as white as a sheet, staring at the ceiling, eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"Is something wrong?" He asked. James sat up, staring at Sirius with what seemed like a hopeful look.

"You're not serious, are you?" He asked, his voice trembling a little. Sirius bit back the usual, dreadful pun on his name and nodded.

"Yes, James."

James seemed to regain his composure at that and leapt to his feet, slamming his palm on the table.

"Damn it, Sirius, you can't be gay!" He cried. Sirius backed away, arms raised protectively.

"Er… Why not?" He asked. James folded his arms and glared at him.

"Because you're my best mate!" He said waspishly, as if it was the meaning of life. Sirius failed to see the logic behind that, and naturally asked for explanations.

"Who else can I talk to girls about? Who else can I enrol to spy on the girls' showers? Certainly not Peter! It has to be you! You have to be normal! The ringleader's second-in-command can't be queer! It's just a phase you're going through!"

"Why me? We can still talk about stuff, James, I'm still your friend…"

But all of Sirius's protests fell on deaf ears. Suddenly James, who had been muttering and ignoring Sirius's objections, smiled and nodded.

"Don't worry, Sirius, we'll straighten you out!" He said cheerfully.

That did not bode well.

xxXxXxx

"…And then he said he wants to straighten me out!" lamented Sirius. He'd dragged Remus out the next morning to take a walk beside the lake and explain his, or their, predicament. Remus frowned.

"Why you and not me?"

"Because I'm his, ah, second-in-command." Sirius muttered. "What can we do, Remus?"

Remus shrugged. "Just wait to see what he does and counteract it as it comes. It's not going to work, whatever he thinks of, is it?"

Sirius smiled and wrapped his arm around Remus's waist. "Hell no. No bird could ever replace you."

Remus didn't seem convinced. "What about boys?" He asked, stroking his chin pensively. Sirius nuzzled his neck.

"Not even if David Bowie himself was to appear and offer himself to me would I leave your side, Moonshine." He declared. Remus chuckled.

"I'll take you at your word. Now come here." He ordered, pulling Sirius into a kiss.

"PADFOOT! MOONY!"

The two quickly separated and looked around to see Peter running towards them, stumbling in his rush to reach them.

"What, Wormtail?" Asked Remus. When Peter finally skidded to a halt in front of them, he had to lean on his knees to get his breath back, holding up a finger to keep them silent as he gasped for air. His resistance was always much, much higher in his rat form.

"You've got to… Come and see… what Prongs has done…" He panted out in between huge gulps of air. Remus and Sirius looked at each other. That didn't sound very good at all.

It wasn't very good at all. In fact, it was one of the most terrible situations possible. James, it transpired, had taken his task of de-queering Sirius very seriously indeed. He had covered the Entrance Hall notice board next to the hourglasses with the House points with a huge purple poster with flashing gold lettering that dwarfed the list of school rules, prohibited items and various inter-house requests, that said:

GIRLS!

YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO, BUT WOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT IT POSSIBLE!

UNTIL NOW!

NOW, YOU TOO CAN GO ON A DATE WITH THE NOTORIOUS SCHOOL HEARTTHROB SIRIUS BLACK!

JUST CONTACT JAMES POTTER, GRYFFINDOR, AT MEAL TIMES!

ALL THOSE OF THE FAIR SEX WELCOME WITH OPEN ARMS!

NOTE: NO TIME-WASTERS, GAY BOYS OR SLYTHERINS.

Sirius stared at the poster, his lower jaw on the floor, and the look on his face far beyond the realm of total dismay and bordering on something nearing indescribable terror and revulsion.

But Remus didn't notice the poster so much as the crowd of people around the notice board, composed seventy percent of giggling females. There were some Slytherins too, including Snape and Regulus, laughing hysterically.

Remus tapped Sirius on the shoulder. "We should get away now," he hissed, "before they smell you and the stampede starts."

Sirius nodded quickly and they began sidling to the left, eager to dodge around the crowd, hoping to reach the marble staircase and sprint upstairs before they were noticed, but…

"Oi!" Yelled Snape. "THERE'S THE LOVER BOY HIMSELF!"

Sirius's look would have withered a Venomous Tentacula, but it soon turned to one of panic.

The entire mob had turned at Snape's shout, and they'd seen Sirius. He had just enough time to mutter, "I'm going to kill James" before there was a collective shriek like nothing ever heard on Earth (not even at a Tom Jones concert, thankfully sans knicker-throwing) and every girl from the first year up who had harboured even the smallest crush on Sirius Orion Black broke into full female-hormone gallop. Sirius let out a thankfully manly yell and bolted for the stairs.

Remus groaned covered his face with his hands as Sirius took the stairs three at a time and disappeared onto the first floor. Peter looked windswept, as did the Slytherins who had been caught up in the charge. As if on cue, James strutted out of the Great Hall, hands in his pockets and looking well pleased.

"Well, that went spiffingly, if I do say so myself." He said, taking his hands out of his pockets and clapping them together. Remus, however, was not happy.

"What the hell are you doing, Prongs?!" He demanded, grabbing the front of his robes. James grinned.

"Relax, Moony, I'm just bringing him back to the right side of the fence. No offence, of course." He added. Remus resisted the urge to punch him (he was sure he would not have hit like a girl in this moment) and let go of his robes in disgust.

"By setting the entire sex-starved female population of Hogwarts on him like that? He'll be traumatised for life! As if he wasn't already by his mother!" He snapped. James continued to wear the smug grin.

"Call it shock treatment. Once he gets used to it he'll be all over them." He said briskly. Regulus, who had been eavesdropping, snorted.

"Fat chance of that, Potter!" He sneered. "He's bent as a two Knut coin, and I'll tell you something else-"

But before Regulus could tell anyone the something else (which Remus strongly suspected had something to do with himself), Sirius reappeared from a sliding panel in the wall, looking absolutely petrified. He was actually shaking. James sauntered over and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Fun, was it, Padfoot?" He asked, laughing. Sirius's expression changed from once of dread to one of extreme loathing with the speed of that of a practised psychopath and he closed both his hands around James's neck.

"I'm going to kill you, you bastard!" He snarled, but Remus and Peter both pulled him off before he could be sent to Azkaban for a crime he did commit .

"Let me go, Moony! I'll murder him and leave his bloody mangled corpse for the crows!" He roared in fury, struggling like a madman while James rubbed his neck and coughed slightly.

"Aw, come on, Padfoot, it's for your own good!" Said James hoarsely in a jovial tone. Remus glared daggers at him.

"No, it's not! I'm perfectly happy how I am!" Sirius replied angrily.

"Padfoot," Peter piped up, "is that lipstick on your cheek?"

Everyone leaned forward to inspect it. Indeed, there was a ghost of baby pink on his cheek, and Sirius rubbed at it in abhorrence.

"Is it off?" He asked. Remus nodded, nose scrunched up in disgust. "Good."

"Ok, Padfoot, I have a proposal." Began James. "What if I organise a quick interview with each girl, a nice, orderly thing, so you can't get to know each one and pick which one you prefer?"

Sirius looked as if he found James intention quite unpleasant and gave him two fingers. "Fuck off, Potter."

Peter, however, looked thoughtful. "That might work, Padfoot." He chirped. Sirius gaped at them.

"Are you serious, James?" He demanded.

"No, you're Sirius." Replied Peter and James in automatic unison, pointing at him. Behind them the Slytherins, who had summoned popcorn and soft drinks, groaned in exasperation.

"Yes, I am." James went on, after sending a Stinging Hex after the Slytherins, who hastily vacated their transfigured cinema seats with flying dodges. "It'll be better than these crazy females, I will admit. It might be less, as Moony put it, traumatic."

"No way!" Objected Sirius fiercely, but Remus dragged him to one side a moment.

"I think you should do it." Remus said. Sirius stared at him, shocked.

"What?"

"It might get James off your back for a while, then we can tranquilly come out on our own terms." Remus explained hastily. Sirius observed him with narrowed eyes before sighing.

"Alright. But only for you." He added, folding his arms and returning to where James and Peter seemed to be bickering about something.

"Ok. I'll do it." He agreed. James beamed at him and placed an arm around his shoulders.

"Fantastic! Don't worry, Padfoot, soon you'll be a perfectly happy straight man again!"

"As if I ever was…" Sirius muttered under his breath.

xxXxXxx

So, it was the next day, a brisk Sunday, that James took possession of the Transfiguration classroom, stuck up a notice that read: Sirius Black dating interviews here 9:00 am to 4:00 pm. He also 'employed' Peter and Remus into making themselves useful to the cause, Remus by taking down each girl's name on a clipboard and giving them a sticky name tag that said 'Hi, I'm ______!' and Peter by providing refreshments.

It was then that Lily Evans and Alice Gibson appeared, looking for their friend Mary McDonald.

"What the hell is going on?!" Lily demanded, glowering at the culprit. James, who was wearing an orange armband sporting the word 'organiser' and standing next to the door to show the girls in, smirked.

"We are in the middle of a covert operation involving Sirius. If said operation were mentioned, all females engaged in aforementioned covert operation might lose their nerve." He explained cryptically. Needless to say the girls' only responses were blank expressions.

"I wish you hadn't used the word 'engaged'." Muttered Remus as he came up to them. Lily looked relieved to see someone with whom she could share some logical reasoning.

"What is happening here?" She asked, waving at the long queue of girls. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose.

"He's trying to straighten Sirius." He clarified. Lily raised an eyebrow and Alice snorted, before they both burst out laughing. James looked thoroughly offended at that, and folded his arms with a huff.

"Whatever, Evans. Do you want to help or not, because you're holding up the line." He said. True to his words, heads had started to poke out and ask what the delay was. Peter ushered Lily and Alice across the other side of the corridor where they and Remus could talk freely.

"What is wrong with him?" Lily asked in disgust, jerking her thumb at James. Remus shrugged.

"He's got it into his head that Sirius is going through a passing phase or something." He replied.

"I meant generally." Lily muttered. Alice frowned.

"And what about you? He hasn't thought about how you feel?" She enquired. Remus breathed out in exasperation.

"He doesn't know. He'd probably kill me if he did." He added gloomily.

"Potter's being a real jerk. I didn't think he was capable of being this bad." Said Lily, folding her arms and glaring at James who was guiding a tearful girl from the classroom and nodding to the next girl that she could go in.

Inside the classroom, Sirius was part bored out of his mind, part horror-struck. These girls were freaks! Every single one of them! No wonder he was into boys! What was God thinking when he took one of Adam's ribs?! He'd gone through about ten already, and according to Peter there were still about twenty-five to thirty left. He shuddered in horror.

Finally lunchtime rolled around, and he was about to die from ennui. He'd actually been staring through the last girl as she told him about how her cat liked to be sick on her mother's favourite Persian rug (or something), daydreaming about Remus and probably drooling as well. It came as welcome relief Moony holding a plate of sandwiches and a flask of pumpkin juice.

"Have a good morning?" He asked sarcastically. Sirius gave him an icy stare and Remus kissed the top of his head with a chuckle and sat cross-legged on the desk.

"You'll get through it. Met anyone interesting yet?"

Sirius shook his head, his mouth full of cheese and watercress. "No, but I am struck and appalled by the dullness of people's lives." He said. "I think I'm having a serious humanitarian-philosophical epiphany on the meaning of life."

He looked into the distance for a moment before snapping back to the present. "You?"

Remus jerked his shoulders noncommittally. "Lily and Alice have been Affronted on my behalf. James has definitely lost points for this." He said, taking a swig of pumpkin juice.

"It could be worse though." He continued philosophically. "He could be all over us. All supportive and fanboyish." He explained, seeing the sceptical look on Sirius's face. "Imagine him. He'd probably go around with a rainbow t-shirt with written on it: I'm a straight ally and proud! Or something."

Sirius shuddered and they continued to munch in silence. Not long after James poked his head around the door with a wide grin.

"Guess what, Hogwarts' Most Eligible Bachelor? It's time to start again!" He chirped, elongating the 'again' annoyingly. Sirius looked as if, had a fork been handy, he would have stuck it in James's eye. James left, and before Remus did he leaned forward and kissed Sirius softly.

"I'll make it up to you tonight." He promised, winking before leaving.

The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully, if one didn't count the vicious catfight between Susan Cooper and Mary McDonald, Fabian Prewett being told to 'get out of the line and take that ridiculous wig off' and Peter being hexed by the aforementioned Susan Cooper so that unsightly blue leeks sprouted out of his ears.

And so far Sirius had not made a pass at one girl. He hadn't even shown mild interest for one of them (Though he had yelled after Fabian that he appreciated the effort.). James was annoyed with a capital A. He, for once, hadn't actually thought of a plan B. He'd supposed this would work, really. As he lay in bed, staring at the canopy of his hangings, he resolved to visit Madam Pomfrey the next morning. She'd know of something to make Sirius straight again. She was a Healer, after all.

Across the room, behind Imperturbable Charmed hangings, Remus was reminding Sirius exactly why he was gay, which included lots of kissing, lots of mouth work, lots of moaning and name-calling and enough lube to fill a small bucket.

xxXxXxx

"You want a what, Potter?" Madam Pomfrey asked, actually stopping her bustling across the Hospital Wing where poor Zack Avery lay in bed, transformed into something akin to a tryffid, to stare at him.

"I want a potion or some sort of medicine to make someone straight when they've been gay." He repeated.

"And, supposing such a thing existed, what would you do with it?" She demanded, feeding Zack his morning dose of fertiliser. James rocked back and forth nervously.

"One of my friends needs it." He said, pursing his lips to the right. Madam Pomfrey's looked at him sharply.

"Not Remus, I hope." She said dangerously. James shook his head quickly and followed her down the middle aisle to the huge glass medicine cabinet.

"Good. He's such a sweet lad, girls aren't for him…" She said. Then she turned to fix James with another piercing stare. "You don't want it for Black, do you?"

James wasn't that good at hiding his true intent this time. Madam Pomfrey sighed.

"Listen, Potter, sometimes people aren't heterosexual. You just have to live with it. I know it's odd that two of your friends are homosexual, but if they're comfortable with themselves, you just have to accept it or stop being their friend." She said sharply. James scuffed his shoes on the floor.

"I don't think he makes a good gay guy, that's all." He muttered. Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes.

"That's not up to you to decide, is it? Now run along and get into mischief like you usually do. I'm busy."

xxXxXxx

"I have another plan!" James proclaimed to the sixth year boys' dorm grandiosely. Everyone looked up out of habit and wished they hadn't, because James was holding an armful of what looked magazines. He dumped them on Sirius bed and leaned against the bedpost with a grin.

"I've thought of something." He began.

"That'd be a first." Muttered Sirius scathingly. James ignored him and continued.

"Padfoot might like a different kind of woman." He said, lifting up one of the magazines and opening it to the middle page. He held it up and let the middle insert pages fall down, revealing the picture of a big-breasted, very naked blonde.

Sirius shrank back in fear. "Get it away from me!" He yelped, falling off the bed in his rush to get away. James laughed evilly.

"Nope! You're going to have to sit and read them! Muggle and wizard!" He crowed triumphantly. Remus picked one up and flicked through the pages.

"Since when do people read these things?" He asked matter-of-factly, looking blankly at a voluptuous redhead with a black suspender belt and nothing else. "It's cheap wanking material for the heterosexual male and nothing else."

The redhead, it transpired, was a witch because she immediately glared at Remus, gave him the middle finger and began mouthing abuse.

"Touchy…" Remus muttered, closing the magazine again and throwing it back on the pile. James smirked, twirling his wand between his fingers.

"It doesn't matter what it is, because Sirius is gonna go through every single one." He said. Sirius gave him a fierce look.

"You can't force me!" He snapped. James grin turned remarkably evil, the kind of grin that would frighten small children and impressionable old ladies.

"Oh, can't I?" He asked mildly. Everyone took a step back when James pointed the wand at Sirius.

"James… You know the Imperius Curse is illegal." Remus reminded him, his eyes never leaving James's wand. James scoffed.

"I know that, but I won't use the Imperius Curse." He said cheerfully. Sirius had broken out into a cold sweat now, and trying to edge around James in order to make an escape through the door, but James turned back to him, grinning like a shark about to devour its prey, and yelled "Cogo lectio wank mags!"

For a moment nothing happened. Then Sirius, to his and Remus's horror, moved automatically to the bed and picked one up.

"Noooooo…" He whimpered, trying to close his eyes and not look at the pictures of naked women, but failing miserably.

"What have you done to him?!" Remus demanded, rounding on James. James just smirked.

"It's a force to read spell. I remembered my old private tutor used to use it on me when I didn't want to study French." He explained.

"Make me stop, please!" Sirius pleaded, shaking his head but with his eyes still fixed on the pages.

"James, you bastard!" Remus snarled, pulling out his wand and walking over to where Sirius sat with the worst grimace on his face, forced to turn the pages against his will, intending to use Finite Incantatem.

"Expelliarmus!" Said James promptly, and Remus's wand flew from his hand to James's. Remus turned back to James and held his hand out.

"Give it back, Potter!"

"No, Moony. It's for his own good." James said. Remus strode over and poked James in the chest.

"What the fuck do you know what's good for people, when you can't even get the girl you want? You're too thick to realise she hates everything that you put up to attract all those stupid hangers-on! You're a big-headed, selfish prick!" He shouted. James took a step back, hurt in his eyes. Then his hurt turned to anger.

"Speak for yourself, Lupin! The only reason you're a fag is because no girl would ever want you with your furry little problem!" He yelled back. Remus stared at him. It wasn't true at all, but it still stung.

"Fuck you, Potter." He said coldly, storming from the room and slamming the door behind him. Peter frowned.

"That was out of order, Prongs. Finite Incantatem." He said, wand pointing at Sirius, and went after Remus. James immediately felt guilty. He shouldn't have said that, mainly because he didn't believe it. He looked up to see Sirius in front of him, cold fury in his grey eyes. Sirius grabbed the front of James's jumper and brought their faces dangerously close together.

"Padfoot…"

"I swear, Potter, if you weren't like a brother to me, I would kill you for that." He said, his voice trembling with rage. James shook his head.

"I didn't mean it, it just came out of its own accord…" He moaned. Sirius let go of James's jumper in disgust.

"God, James, I really hate you right now." He snapped, rubbing his face. After that he headed out the door and after Remus and Peter.

James sank onto his bed and groaned. That hadn't gone well. He'd meant this to be more a joke than an actual plan, but it had gone wrong.

As he sat there, his mind fell on something else: what Remus had said. He didn't like to admit it, but Remus's words had hit home quite hard. He knew he was going wrong when it came to Lily, but he'd gotten so set in his arrogant ways that he wasn't sure if he could change if he wanted to.

Then his thoughts fell on Sirius's reaction. He had been sure that his acquired brother had been about to punch him. The way he'd acted in response had been disproportionate, he decided, almost as if he'd insulted Sirius himself. James sighed and took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes and running a hand through his hair.

He stood, replacing his glasses. He reached into his bedside drawer and pulled out the Marauder's Map. He placed the tip of his wand on it and muttered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

xxXxXxx

Peter found Remus sitting on the grassy shore of the lake, staring out at the cold grey water, his knees pulled up to his chin and his chin resting on his arms.

"Moony?" Peter asked timidly. Remus turned a little, just enough to see Peter out of the corner of his eye.

"Yes, Wormtail?" He asked. His voice didn't have any tremor to it, as Peter had expected, but it was blank and toneless.

"Do you want to talk? Can I sit down?"

Remus nodded dully and turned back to staring at the vastness of the lake, not even moving as Peter sat down with a small grunt.

"Is this about what James said?" Peter asked. Remus shrugged. Peter frowned.

"He didn't mean it."

"He might not have meant it," said Remus slowly, "but he must have thought it somewhere along the line to say it."

Peter didn't have an answer to that, so he stayed quiet, staring at his chewed fingernails.

"It isn't the truth, is it?" He asked tentatively after a while. Remus eyed him and Peter immediately regretted saying it.

"It took me a long time to come to terms with what I was. Months and months of thinking it over continuously. But I am what I am, and can't help that in any case. I wouldn't like girls even if I wasn't a werewolf."

Peter nodded. "Er… I wanted to know… Are you and Sirius… Erm, how do you say gay couple?" He asked. Remus broke into a smile finally.

"In Polari?"

Peter just looked puzzled and Remus chuckled.

"It's a couple, just like anyone else." He clarified. "And yes, we are. We have been for a while now."

Peter frowned slightly. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"We were going to. We were ready, and Sirius was going to tell James and I was going to tell you, but then James got this stupid idea in his head and ruined it all." Remus sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

He and Peter sat in silence for a while longer, until a noise in the undergrowth behind them made them turn. Sirius appeared, transformed into Padfoot, nose to the ground. As soon as he saw them he turned back and Peter stood.

"I'll leave you two alone." He said, with a small grin and went back the same way Sirius had come.

"Moony, I'm sorry…"

Remus stood and walked over, shaking his head and rubbing the tops of his arms. "It's not your fault, Pads. Not at all."

Sirius, as natural as anything, wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and kissed the top of his head. "If you want, I'll curse him for you." He muttered. Remus laughed and finally wound his arms around Sirius.

"No need. I don't care really. By the way, Pete figured it out on his own."

Sirius nodded with pleasant surprise. "Good for Wormy. He doesn't mind, does he?"

"Of course not." Remus's forehead creased a little. "At least, I don't think so." Suddenly he tilted his head back and smiled. "Kiss me?"

Sirius grinned. "You don't need to ask." He said, and leaned down slightly to plant his lips on Remus's.

xxXxXxx

James glowered at the Map and continued to stumble forward, not looking where he was going, so when he nearly bumped into a thoughtful Peter, it wasn't surprising.

"Ow! Oh, Wormtail" He said, ever a master of the obvious. Peter stopped hopping around clutching the foot he wasn't hopping on in pain for a moment to glare at the other boy.

"You're in trouble! Go say sorry to Moony for what you said!"

James had the grace to look guilty. "Where is he?"

Peter jerked his thumb along the way he'd come. "That way, by the lake." Then he seemed to remember something. "But, wait, Padfoot's with him so-"

But James was already tearing down the path. He didn't want Remus to hate him. He cared for Remus, like he cared for all of his friends. And if he was to fall out with Remus, who would he copy the notes for History of Magic from? He thought with a chuckle. Yeah, that would break the ice, make them laugh so James could say sorry comfortably, and all would be-

He stopped dead. Remus had Sirius locked in what could only be described as a fiery embrace, and was kissing the life out of him. Far from pushing him off and saying, 'Sorry, Moony, we're just friends', Sirius seemed to be enjoying it, actually pulling him closer and making little whimpering noises.

"What the fuck are you two doing?"

They parted for a moment, two pairs of eyebrows raised in equal surprise.

"Hello, Prongs." Remus said.

"We're kissing. I would have thought that was obvious." Sirius said.

James pointed in shock from one to the other. "But… But you're mates… You can't snog your mate!" He croaked.

"No, I'll grant you that, but you can snog your boyfriend." Corrected Remus. James began to nod in admission, before shaking his head furiously and scowling.

"This isn't right!"

Remus turned, his arms folded, looking at him coldly. "What isn't right about it?" He demanded. James glowered right back.

"I mean that… You probably turned Padfoot into a homo!" He snapped. Sirius stepped forward, and this time he wasn't joking.

"Shut up, James. You know that's not true. Just because I came out long after Moony was outed doesn't mean he… turned me, or whatever."

James looked away sulkily. Remus threw his hands up in frustration.

"I give up! I have no idea what's going through your head, James Potter, and I don't think I want to know, but until you get your act together and accept us, consider our friendship over." He said, walking away. James didn't try to stop him.

Sirius looked at Remus's retreating back and turned back to James once he was out of sight.

"Don't ask me to choose, Prongs. I already had to choose between my boyfriend and my brother, don't make me do it again." He pleaded. James looked at him.

"You'd pick him anyway. I know that." He mumbled. Sirius shoved one hand in his pocket, the other rubbing the back of his neck.

"What scares me is I'm not sure who I'd choose. I'd lose out in either way." He muttered in reply, turning to amble up the path, lost in his thoughts.

xxXxXxx

The next day, James and Remus still weren't talking. It was left up to Peter and, to some extent, Sirius to be the intermediaries. Sirius now knew what James and Pete had felt like when he and Remus had fallen out for that week over the Snape Incident, and it felt awful.

No one failed to notice the tension among the inseparable Marauders. The Slytherins were gleeful to the point of perennial acid trip about it, but to the rest of the Hogwarts population the situation was worrying.

"What's the deal with you and Potter, Remus?" Asked Lily as they sat that afternoon in the library, doing their Ancient Runes homework as usual. Remus shook his head.

"He's being a misunderstanding jerk, and I'm not standing for it." He mumbled in response. Lily sighed.

"I wonder why."

Remus looked up. "I've asked myself that so many times my brain is in knots." He said. Suddenly Lily's bright green eyes widened.

"You don't think he's jealous, do you?" She asked. Remus blinked.

"What… Of me and Sirius?"

"It's probable! I mean, it's always been 'Black and Potter', hasn't it? The double act. The inseparable duo."

"But James isn't-"

"I know that! He wouldn't be so insistent otherwise." Remus bit back the 'in denial' argument he had, and just listened to her. "But he might think someone will steal his best mate. The cut must have been worse when he found out it was you!"

The 'in denial' hypothesis was firmly pushed out of Remus's mind as everything clicked into place. James's top place in Sirius's list of VIPs wouldn't be put in jeopardy if Sirius were to get a girlfriend. But Sirius was gay, so naturally James would feel far more threatened. Remus groaned.

"That prat…" He complained. Lily shrugged ruefully, then looked puzzled mid-shrug as Remus stood and gathered his things.

"Where are you going?" She asked. Remus shook his head.

"Going to find that fool James." He answered, striding from the library.

He found James on the Quidditch pitch for afternoon practice, training his team into the ground. Naturally.

"Oi, Prongs!" He yelled from the stands. James turned curiously, then pointedly looked away when he noticed it was Remus.

"Don't you look away, you prat! Get your arse over here!" He bellowed, making James jump out of his skin and warily fly towards him, hesitant like a skittish hummingbird.

"Yes?" He asked innocently. Remus gave him such a pitying look James almost flew away again.

"Listen, you daft twit, I'm not going to take your place as Padfoot's best friend. I'm his boyfriend, that's something similar but different. If you were to get together with Lily (which is statistically highly unlikely), she'd be your girlfriend. She'd still be your friend, but you'd have Sirius to run to complain to. The same goes for us. When he gets sick of me for a while, he can go to you. I'm not trying to replace you. I love Sirius. I do, and I only want what's best for him." Remus turned and headed towards the stairs. "I just had to tell you."

James stared at the stand where Remus had stood, not hearing Julia Isherwood calling his name.

xxXxXxx

Dinner was a quiet affair that evening. James seemed overly thoughtful and Remus seemed nervous. Sirius and Peter exchanged a look, frowning at each other.

"I'm going upstairs, Padfoot. You coming?" Remus asked as he stood up. Dinner was nearly over, and the general hustle and bustle of people was in the Entrance Hall heading for respective common rooms. Sirius looked up and nodded quickly, standing and following him to the Entrance Hall.

"You still haven't cleared things up with Prongs?" He asked tentatively. Remus gave him a sad look.

"I've said what I had to say. It's up to James now." He murmured, making in the direction of the marble staircase.

"Remus! Sirius!"

They both turned, curious, and looked at James. He bore the same expression that someone being torn apart inside would wear, as if he was having some sort of terrible internal battle worthy of the Last Alliance of Elves and Men.

"I… You… You have my blessing." He said loudly.

All eyes were on Remus and Sirius, the tension thick enough to cut with a blunt knife. Susan Cooper and her gang of Ravenclaws were the only ones whispering.

Instead of making hasty disclaimers, Remus beamed and Sirius whooped. Then, unheeding of the crowd watching, Remus threw his arms around Sirius's neck and kissed him.

Sirius was taken aback for a moment. He certainly hadn't been expecting this, but it took him only a few seconds to figure out what to do with himself and wrap his arms around Remus's waist, deepening the kiss.

Who gave a fuck about the shocked gasps, disgusted sounds and nervous giggles that erupted around them? Who cared about the wolf-whistles, and shouts of fag and queer? Who cared, when the world didn't mean anything compared to the wonderful feeling of beloved lips on your own and being in each other's arms? And knowing that your best friend didn't mind? That was even better.

But the happy moment was short-lived.

"BLACK! LUPIN!"

Professor McGonagall's angry screech echoed around the Hall, drowning out the broad hubbub. Remus and Sirius parted and glanced at her guiltily. She was glowering at them, her eyes steely and her lips thin with disapproval.

"Detention! And thirty points off each!" She said. Sirius made an indignant noise.

"What?!" He exclaimed.

"That's not fair, Professor!" Protested Remus. There was a chorus of different voices from the students still in the Entrance Hall, silenced by a look from McGonagall.

"You want explanations? Very well, my office, now." She beckoned, heading to the second floor. It wasn't until they were standing in front of her desk, awaiting elucidation and both very annoyed, that she spoke again.

"I am well aware of the fact that, as adolescent boys, you are more heeding of the voice of your testicles than that of your reason, but that is no excuse to engage in such behaviour in the Entrance Hall. I am shocked and disappointed in you, especially you, Mr Lupin. I would have expected better from a Prefect of my House…" She said sternly. Sirius glanced at Remus. To his surprise, he did not look contrite or ashamed. He looked defiant.

"If one of us were a girl you wouldn't be saying this to us, Professor." He said boldly. Professor McGonagall stared.

"What are you insinuating, Mr Lupin?" She asked dangerously. Remus took a deep breath.

"That you're discriminating us because of our preferences." He said, chin raised slightly. Sirius felt a rush of warmth and squeezed Remus's hand when it slipped into his own. Professor McGonagall scowled.

"I would not condone that sort of behaviour from any of my students, Mr Lupin!" She said. "The fact that you are homosexual has nothing to do with it!"

"But, Professor, detention seems a bit harsh!" Sirius butted in. "We were only kissing…"

She silenced him with a look. "Mr Black, I would have detracted points from any couple making a spectacle of themselves in front of the school, but the problem is not what you are, it is how old you are. You may be seventeen, but Mr Lupin is still underage. It is not my fault the school rules prohibit such things. Blame a previous Headmaster." She said. Sirius made a face.

"I bet I know who it was, too…" He muttered under his breath, earning a raised eyebrow from the strict Transfiguration teacher.

"I will send you the information for your detentions in a short time. You may go. And do not let me catch you doing such a thing in front of impressionable first years again." She added for good measure.

When they returned to the Gryffindor common room, a crowd of girls, led by Mary McDonald, attacked them, armed with whiny voices and excessive emphasis.

"Sirius, you can't be gay!"

"It's not right!"

"I'd be so much better than Lupin!"

"I can make you happier than he can!"

"I thought you liked me!"

Sirius backed away, his misogyny back and pleading desperately for escape. "Remus…" He said, reaching for his boyfriend's hand instinctively.

"Don't you have anything better to do with your lives?" Remus asked waspishly, navigating his way through the glaring throng and heading over to the saved place in front of the fire where Peter beckoned them. James had his legs spread out on the sofa, and he looked pointedly at Remus's favourite armchair. Sirius grinned, sat and pulled Remus into his lap.

"Good idea, Prongs." Said Sirius. James grinned.

"Certainly. It was mine." He said proudly. Peter rolled his eyes then turned to look at Remus and Sirius.

"What did McGoogles do to you?" He asked apprehensively. The two sighed in unison.

"Detentions as yet to be specified."

"I hope we get to gallivant around the Forest with Hagrid again." Said Sirius wistfully. James snorted in disgust.

"You'll be forever ducking behind trees to snog and poor Hagrid'll be continuously wondering where the hell you are." He predicted. Remus chuckled.

"With the chaos you caused the last time you had a detention in the Forest Minnie won't allow either of you near it. Nah, it'll be trophy-polishing with Filch or frog-gutting with Slughorn…"

"Or pruning Poisonous Biting Fuchsias." Said the voice James heard in his dreams every night.

"Evans!" He exclaimed joyously. She eyed him disdainfully.

"Finally gotten over your conversion mania?" She asked coldly. James flinched and looked away guiltily.

"Don't worry, Lily, mates like before." Remus said. Lily sniffed.

"That's alright then. Don't do anything that stupid again, no matter what the reasons." She said. Peter and Sirius looked at her in puzzlement, and James's fearful gaze kept shooting back and forth between Remus and Lily. But neither seemed to acknowledge it, so he lapsed back into his culpable indolence.

"Anyway," Lily continued, "two detentions. The one for Sirius is with Filch: sorting the detention files. Remus is with Sprout pruning the aforementioned plants."

Remus winced and Sirius groaned. "I hate plants." Remus muttered. In all response Sirius squeezed Remus tight and buried his face in his back, as if by doing that he could make the detention go away.

"That was really unfair of McGonagall." Said Lily in indignation, making James's day by sitting on the arm of the sofa near him. Sirius refused to look up from his secure refuge in Remus's back.

"Tell me about it. If I'd been a girl she wouldn't have done that." Remus said in annoyance. This time Sirius did look up.

"If you'd been a girl I wouldn't be in a relationship with you." He said flatly. Remus smiled and snuggled against his chest. Lily giggled.

Everyone stared at her. She looked at them, puzzled.

"What? You make a nice couple…" She said by means of a justification. Remus shook his head with a chuckle, but Sirius snorted.

"You perv, Evans." He said accusingly, and she stood with a disgusted look in his direction and stalked off to Mary, who was in tears, and Alice, who was comforting her with a bored expression. James shot Sirius a fierce look.

"Don't call the woman of my life a perv, stupid, flea-bitten mongrel."

"Piss off, Hornhead." Sirius retorted half-heartedly, too happy to cuddle Remus in the common room to care about James's foolish insults. Peter clapped his hands in a business-like manner.

"Well, I think this sorts it all, don't you. Just one thing left…" He said, eyeing James meaningfully. James feigned ignorance for a moment before sighing and sitting up and running a hand through his hair.

"Sorry, Sirius. I shouldn't have been such a prat." He mumbled. Sirius raised a forgiving hand.

"You can't help Mother Nature's unfair cruelty. You must do as make-up dictates." He said graciously. Remus had just enough time to dive from the chair before James had Sirius in a headlock, ruffling his hair furiously. And if there was something Sirius hated, it was his hair being messed up.

"Argh, gerroff, you bastard!" He snarled.

"Never!"

Remus sat next to Peter with a resigned sigh. "Well, I guess everything's back to normal again." He said with weary fondness. Peter chortled.

"As normal as things could ever be." He said.

The End