BPOV
I sighed and sank into the chair at the kitchen table with a smile on my face. Christmas. It had always been my favourite time of year when I was a little girl, and it hadn't changed throughout my youth. Especially when Mom and Dad split up the year I turned seven and it became one of the few times they'd both be in one place so I could spend the holiday with both of them. It was a testament to their love for me that they managed to keep on good terms and put aside their differences so I could have both my parents on the what I'd always thought of as the best holiday of the year.
The time on the oven beeped so I hopped up, removed the lasagne from the oven and set it on the side so I could slice the garlic bread and call for my Dad, Charle, to round up the kids. Moments later he strolled in with two children hanging from his legs and one babbling against his chest, another trailing behind with his games console in his hands and eyes trained on the screen. "Sam, put that back in the living room please, you know the rules." I warned, plating up six portions. My ten year old son huffed but turned and immediately did as he was told, returning quickly so he could scramble into the seat beside Charlie.
I could feel Dad's eyes on my as I sorted the meal out but sometimes it's easier to wait with him until he comes out with whatever he has to say. He's never been outwardly comfortable with expressing his emotions, and I suppose in some ways I get that from him. "You know, Bells, you could have ordered take-out. I know you're busy getting things ready for Edwar-"
"Dad, don't worry, seriously." I shoot him a grin and hastily switch off the oven, hand out the plates making sure to save the princess one for last and sit down inbetween Sam and the high-chair that holds my youngest daughter. As I blow mouthfuls to cool them down for MacKenzie she bangs her little fists on the tray, making everyone laugh around their food.
"As long as you're sure." Charlie inhales deeply -earning a snicker from Sam- as I roll my eyes; men and their stomachs. "It sure smells good. Your cooking always does, Bells."
"Thanks, Dad."
"Momma, Lizzie's digging her elbelow into my awm!" Jacob whined, his four year old speech almost making me laugh adoringly. Experience with his embarrassment and temper on the subject had taught me not to acknowledge it at all unless he did first.
My eyes turned from MacKenzie to my seven year old daughter, "Lizzie..."
"I did not." She huffed, green eyes shooting daggers at her brother as she stabbed at her food.
Jake's mouth opened wide in indignation, "she so did! Tell Momma, Gwandpa!" Charlie waved his free hand and shook his head, mouth full of lasagne.
"Sorry kiddo, I'm not sayin' nothin'." He mumbled when his mouth was free, shovelling more in to keep his mouth busy. Take deep breaths, Bella. That's it. Breath. He'll be home in a few hours and then everything will be fine.
"Elizabeth, Jacob, please, just eat your dinner and stop misbehaving. Do you want Santa to come or not? Because he only comes if you're good." My Dad and I had to try had to stop ourselves from laughing at the synchronised widening of their emerald eyes, but unfortunately Sam has no such qualms. After all, he doesn't believe in Santa anymore; he informed me matter-of-factly a few days ago.
"Santa isn't even-" Charlie clapped his hand over Sam's mouth before he could say any more and shot him a warning glance. Sam's chocolate eyes -my eyes- rolled before he nodded, and then continued to eat in silence for the rest of the meal. I tried to feed MacKenzie without making an enormous mess of her clothes and myself, and eat my own meal, but failed as per usual. I suppose a mess is inevitable with an eleven month old. Lizzie and Jake pestered each other until I had to threaten them both with restriction and even then they were slyly annoying each other. Thankfully Sam didn't throw any more of his snide remarks out there, but I noticed that he was quieter than usual and he was picking at his food which was really unlike him. I put it down to missing his Dad and thanked every deity I could think of that he'd be home late tonight in time for Christmas Eve in two days.
Eventually the kids finished eating so I sent them to play in the living room whilst I washed up MacKenzie and tucked her into bed in her fairytale themed room, courtesy of my interior designing mother-in-law, Esme Cullen, and then hurried back to the kitchen to help Charlie clean up the dishes. When I got there he was just drying his hands on a dish towel and all the cleaning was done except for the high-chair. I grabbed a cloth and the special cleaner and set to work scrubbing the orangey mess off the white plastic tray. "Here, let me do that Bells." Charlie gently took the cloth and pushed me into a chair before taking over. I took a deep breath.
"Thanks, Dad." He nodded. "Sam's upset." He hesitated, and then nodded again. "Do you think it's because Edward's not here? He'll be home tonight so then he'll be fine but I just can't help but feel like it's something else. All of the kids have been so..." I trailed off, trying to pick the right word to describe the kids' behaviour recently. They'd all been grumpy and argumentative, picking fights with each other and me over stupid things they'd usually just let fly straight over their heads. It was Christmas, I wanted them to be happy, excited and looking forward to the festivities and presents piled under the tree.
"Forlorn." Dad supplied suddenly, hitting the nail right on the head. "Bells, it's only natural they're missing Edward when he's away, especially now when it's so close to Christmas."
"I guess." My mood brightened slightly when I recalled Edward's promise from last night. "He said he'd call tonight, around six thirty, so he can speak to them before he gets on the plane. That'll help, won't it?" Charlie nodded but he looked as though he had something else to say so I waited patiently. After a few moments he shook his head and smile, his moustache twitching.
"Well, thanks for dinner, Bells." Ok, so he decided against whatever he was going to say. "I'd better hit the road. Can I go up and say bye to Kenzers?"
"Dad!" I groaned, hating the nickname all the males in my damily had adopted for my little princess. Edward had started it but Charlie, my father-in-Law Carlisle, step brother Seth and step father Phil had all followed in his footsteps. She giggled and batted her lashes whenever they called her Kenzers, but it made me wince. "Sure, just try not to wake her." With a chuckle and a nod he made his way off up the stairs and I went to join Sam, Jake and Lizzie in the living room. What I found made me gasp and groan simultaneously.
Sam was standing on the sofa with a familiar beige book -a photo album- in one hand held high above his head and Lizzie and Jake were jumping up and down, trying to reach it. At ten years old Sam had inherited his Dad's height and he was far taller than his younger brother and sister, which he was currently using to his full advantage. "Lemme see it, Sam!" Jake cried, tugging on his shirt.
"I want a look now, I want a look!" Lizzie cried unhappily, whining as she pulled at his arm.
"Get lost." Sam grumbled angrily, the book clutched tight in his hand. The lights on our seven foot tree -I let the men pick it one year and that's what they came back with- twinkled and I could see the fierce glow in my son's brown eyes as he glared at his younger silings. What is going on with him? He's turned into a completely different kid recently and it made my heart hurt. What was making my son so unhappy that he'd be mean to Lizzie and Jake, whom he loved dearly? Festive music played in the background as I watched the tiff between my oldest three children play out, hoping they'd resolve it by themselves as they did so often.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go...
Suddenly, three things happened at once that made my eyes widen. Lizzie threw herself off the sofa and charged into the conservatory, a loud wail trailing behind her. Jake his his brother in the stomach with a grunt of annoyance, but even that wasn't what shocked me most. Sam grabbed Jake's soccer shirt collar and shoved him, hard, off the red sofa Edward and I had picked out together in the spring. Jake cried out as his body landed awkwardly on the floor and I rushed straight to him, scooping him into my arms and holding his body to my chest as my gaze flew up to Sam. His eyes had lost all the fight and he stared back at me, his face terrified and stunned at what he'd done.
"Samuel Anthony Cullen, what do you think you're doing?" My voice was startlingly shrill and he cringed as his arm lowered to his side; his fingers turned white where he gripped the book.
He shrugged slowly.
"I hate you." Jake whimpered, snuggling his face into my neck and clutching at me sweater.
"Are you all right, Jakey?" I ask quietly, running my hand through his hair, the exact same shade as mine. I took a deep breath and tried to center myself, my emotions running wild at this dramatic turn of events.
"No. Sam won't let me look at the pit-char book."
"Why not?" Sam hung his head, not even looking at me as I addressed him.
"I...looking...it."
My brow tightened, "what was that?"
"I said, I was looking at it." He huffed, some of his agitation returning as he stepped off the seat and back onto the carpet. "Is that a capital crime?"
"Don't you dare take that tone with me, Samuel. I don't know what's going on here but I certainly don't like it and neither will your Dad when he gets back here." Sam scowled. "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Well, is he even coming back?" My back straightened and my eyes tightened further at his tone. He sounded far too mature for his age but the fear laced through his sarcastically spoken words made me ache to hold him in my arms, made me remember holding him for hours through the night when he was sick with colic and only weeks old.
"Of course he's coming back! He'll be here before you get up in the morning. You know that, Sam, what's going on with you?" His dark eyes were suddenly staring right into mine and they made my heart sting for my husband, away on the other side of the country finishing up what he assured me was 'a lucrative deal'.
"Nothing. Nothing is ever going on with me. It's always Lizzie or Jake or Kenzers, it's never me, Mom! Never! Dad is always away and he misses all my games, even Jake's! He promised he'd take me to a Cubs game for my birthday and he never has. He said we could make a cake instead 'cause he had to work and then he let Lizzie and Jake do it when I was at baseball practice. Where was he on your birthday, Mom? New York. Where was he when Kenzers crawled for the first time in my room and scared me so bad I screamed? New Jersey or something. Where was he when you were so ill Grandpa had to come stay with us for three weeks so we could go to school? Oh, California! He's never here! You always say family and love are the most important things but he doesn't think so! He never does. I'm sick of it! I'm sick of his stupid job! I'm sick of him never bein' here for us and you and I'm sick of this stupid family! He doesn't love us and I hope he never comes back! Ever!" Throughout his tirade tears began to silently run down my cheeks and into Jake's hair as he burrowed into my neck. Sam threw the book onto the sofa and ran up the stairs, probably to hide in his bedroom, and a strangled cry left my lips as I pressed my cheek to Jake's head and closed my eyes tight.
Oh my God. He really thinks all of that? He thinks Edward doesn't love them? And he doesn't want him to come back? Sam's only a kid, ten years old, so most of that is just exaggeration because I know he loves his Dad and misses him terribly, but I never realised that he believed all those things. My heart felt cripped with pain as I suddenly understood what had been making my children so sad for all these weeks. They thought their Dad didn't love them.
"Jakey, are you all right?" I asked quietly when I'd finally got myself under some modicum of control. Wiping my tears away I forced a smile for Jake when he pulled back and sat on his folded knees, like I was. He sniffled and whiped his eyes with his balled up hands.
"Yeah." He frowned adorably. "Momma, pwease don't cry. Sam 'idn't mean dose things."
"It's ok, sweetie, I know. Please can you go and make sure Lizzie's ok? I'll come and check on you in a minute. Your Dad's going to phone soon so I'll bring it in to you so you guys can talk to him, all right?" He grinned a toothy smile and nodded as he stood. He took a few steps towards the door before spinning round, kissing me on the cheeks and dashing off after his sister.
"Bells? What was all that shouting and slamming doors...oh, jeez, are you ok? What happened?" Charlie dashed into the room and knelt infront of me, his concerned brown eyes making my own fill with tears all over again.
"Oh Dad..." a sob broke loose and I wiped my tears with my sleeve only for more to replace them quickly. "The kids...they alll think Edward doesn't love them. They're so hurt, Dad, I don't know how to help them..." remembering Sam's parting comment another loud sob breaks free and I fall into Charlie's open arms, inhaling his familiar scent of woodchips, Old Spice cologne and smoke. It reassures me slightly, always has since I was a little girl and I'd hang out with him in his workshop. We sit in silence for a while, I'm not sure how long exactly, before I take a breath and repeat what Sam said. "He said, he's sick of it all and he doesn't want Edward to come back..." I mumbled into his shoulder, feeling his exhale into my hair a moment later.
"Bells, he's a kid, he doesn't mean it. That boy worships the ground Edward walks on."
"I used to think so. It doesn't make what he said hurt any less, though. I can't believe I didn't see it. When Edward calls, I'm going to have to talk to him."
Charlie turns his head and then sighs softly; it's not a happy sound. "What time did you say he'd call?"
"Um, half six, why?" The end of my sleeve removed the tears and I sat back, turning to look at the clock on the wall. Quarter to eight. "He said he'd...he promised he'd call so he could speak to the kids." My voice is confused and so am I. Edward had been excited to speak to them. He'd only missed Sam by about half an hour last night and I could tell he'd been disappointed, we knew each other inside and out. Edward and I had been together since seventh grade when he asked me out with a white rose and Hershey's Kisses. We were twelve, then. Now at the age of twenty nine we were still as much in love as had always been, perhaps even more so since getting married and having our four beautiful children.
"Maybe he got caught up. I'm sure he has a good reason." Charlie said calmly, helping me up by pulling my hands and tugging me onto the sofa. "Are you gonna be all right on your own or do you want be to kip in the spare?"
"No, it's ok. I'll be fine." I smiled up at him, hoping it was convincing. "Don't forget to say goodbye to the kids." He didn't smile back but nodded before kissing my head and heading upstairs, presumably to say goodbye to Sam.
Half an hour later he'd said his goodbyes to Sam, Lizzie and Jake and then gave me a hug, told me to say hello to Edward when he got in later and headed out to his car in the driveway. Before I could sit down and try to relax I took Lizzie and Jake to their rooms, tucked them in and gave them hugs and kisses. After I explained that their Daddy was really busy and he's see them when they woke up instead of over the phone, of course. Luckily they were both tired after a long day of playing with Grandpa so they didn't question me too much and went off to sleep quickly. Adter I'd tucked Jake into his Spiderman themed bed and sqitched on his night light I walked down the hall and knocked lightly on Sam's door. "Come in," he called quietly. Sam and I had a short discussion in which we didn't mention Edward except for when I told him the same as his younger siblings. He snorted but didn't say anything more, instead kissing my cheek and telling me that he wanted to get some sleep.
"All right. Well, night Sam, love you."
"Love you too, Mom. And, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. And pushing Jake." I smiled gently.
"It's ok, but you're on restriction and you're apologizing to Jake and Lizzie tomorrow. Capisce?
"Yeah," he grimaced, "capisce."
"Good. See you in the morning."
I found myself sitting on the back porch -on the swing Edward and Charlie had put together when we bought the house just after Sam turned one- a little while later with a glass of wine and a box of chocolates. The beautiful river at the end of the garden glistened in the moonlight and the stars twinkled radiantly. I was lost in my thoughts when I head the back door open and slipper-clad feet tapping on the wooden deck. "Mom, phone for you." Just then the home phone let out another ring that seemed to ruin the magic of the snow covered landscape. I quickly took the phone and pressed the button to answer, mouthing a thanks to a sleepy-eyed Sam. He plopped himself on the cushion beside me and snuggled into my fluffy coat.
"Hello?"
"Bella." Edward's warm voice filled my ear as he sighed into the phone, my heart skipping a beat."
"Oh, Edward." Sam jolted in his spot and fixed his eyes on me. "I thought you were going to call before the kids went to bed? They were really excited."
"I'm so, so, sorry, Bella. We've had so many things go wrong over here. I tried to call this morning but the line was busy and then everything took off and I just couldn't get away." He sounded exhausted and my heart went out to him. I missed him so much it hurt.
"Ok, how are you? How did it all go? It's done, right?"
He sighed again, "I'm all right sweetheart, just tired I guess. I miss you and the kids. How are you all?"
"They've been great, perfect little angels." Sam shot me an apologetic look and curlde back into my side, wrapping his arm around my stomach with a sigh as I hugged him to me. "We miss you like crazy though. Do you want to speak to Sam?"
"He's still up?" Edward sounded ecstatic and it warmed me despite the chilly December air.
"He heard the phone and brought it to me."
"Oh, yeah, great. Let me speak to him, please. God, I've missed my boy."
"Here he is. Sam," his smile lit up the garden as he took the phone and pressed it to his ear.
"Dad!" I could hear Edward's voice calling back to him through the phone and I sighed with relief. "Yeah, Mom's been great. She let us listen to music all day and we decorated the tree yesterday! It looks awesome. I put your favourite bauble on there 'cause I know you like it. Lizzie wanted to put the pink ones on though and they looked stupid." He laughed and it was an exact replica of Edward's chuckle. "Yeah I know...can't live with 'em but can't live without 'em...I won't tell her you said that...yeah we wouldn't wanna hurt her feelings..." at that Sam winked and mouthed "I love you Mom". I kissed his head and rested my cheek on his copper hair as he chattered on. "Grandpa Charlie came over today and played on the soccer table with me and Jake and Mom, but Jake and Mom lost again...me either...it's stupid...yeah...well 'cause you're comin' back tonight you could wake me up and we could play, or I guess we could just play in the morning." He amended at my disapproving head-shake. I sat back and looked at his grin, watching as it fell and his face darkened. His eyebrows set in a frown and his lips were in a tight line as he listened to Edward talk on the other end of the line. "No! No, Dad, you know what? You stink! Do'nt come back then, fine! We don't need you. Mom can make Christmas great without you!" Sam slammed the phone onto the cushion we were sitting on, jumping off the seat and stormed towards the house.
"Sam!" I cried. He stopped and hung his head. With his back to me I couldn't see his face but his fists were clenched tightly at his sides and he was breathing like he'd run a marathon. "What was that about?"
"He's not. Coming. Home." Was all he said before wrenching the door open, throwing himself inside and slamming it behind him. Immediately I heard MacKenzie's muffled cries from inside. Picking up the phone and putting it back to my ear Edward's worried voice was audible.
"Sam? Hey, listen to me buddy, Sam!"
"It's me, Edward." I told him quietly, already knowing what was coming now after Sam's outburst. I closed the back door and locked it behind me, pouring the wine down the sink and shoving the chocolates back in the fridge before heading up the stairs towards my baby's room.
"Bella! Is Sam ok? He just yelled and left the phone..."
"You're not coming home?" Was all I could squeeze out, my eyes clenched shut and my hand tight around the phone.
Edward sighed heavily, "I don't know. Mister Marks isn't a family man and he's demanded that we meet at five on the twenty fifth. We don't have a choice but to meet him and he won't budge on the date. I'm sorry Bella, I really want to be there." His desperate tone fell of deaf ears as I processed what he was saying. Edward isn't coming home for Christmas. The kdis would all have the same reaction as Sam had, I expected, except MacKenzie because she could understand but she'd taken to crawling to the front foor and playing with Edward's sneakers as if she were waiting for him. I'd even caught her pulling herself up so she could see through the small window in the bottom of the window on the front door. I wondered idly if Esme and Carlisle knew yet or if I'd have to call and let them know. "Bella? Bella, are you there? Bella!"
"Yeah, I'm here, Edward." Raking a hand through my hair I stood outside MacKenzie's door where I could hear her crying softly. "I've got to go. MacKenzie's crying and I need to get to her."
"Why is she crying? Bella! Don't go yet...look I'm sorry you're upset but I can't-"
"Don't, Edward. Just, don't. You promised you'd call and talk to the kids and they've been waiting all day. Sam had a melt down earlier because he thinks you don't care about us. Edward, they miss you. I miss you. They've been absolute wrecks since you left and I just don't know if I can deal with this anymore." As the words left my mouth I realised just how true they were. How many times would I have to console my miserable children when Edward missed a Skype date or phone call? Birthdays, baseball games, Christmases? "You're never here, Sam's right, and it's taking its toll. Can you just, call in the morning? The kids will want to talk to you."
"Bella...talk to me, pelase. I'm sorry. I don't know what you want from me."
"No, neither do it. Goodnight, Edward."
"Wai-"
"Hello, baby girl, it's ok." Cradling MacKenzie in my arms as I sat in the soft chair oppostie the window I allowed myself to think about the conversation I'd just had with my husband. What I'd said was the truth, whether I'd just realised it or not. Edward owned his own real estate business, buying, restoring and then selling luxury homes for well earned profits. He's spent a lot of time travelling in recent years to set up offices all over the country. At the moment he was in Hampshire setting up a deal with a new company. If all went well it would mean a great increase in the profits and quality of the buildings they'd be able to renovate, which of course was amazing. Edward and his brother-in-law Emmett had been working on the deal for months and it meant a lot to the both of them, but Christmas meant a lot to his family and he should be here. I completely understood that he had to be there for the meeting but I couldn't get over the fact that he was putting it before his family. Of me, of our children. It just didn't make sense and a single, fat, lone tear tumbled down my cheek and splashed onto MacKenzie's pink sleepsuit. She sniffled and her unique, mismatched eyes shimmered up at me wetly.
Our entire family had been awestruck when just a few months after her birth, MacKenzie's eyes were clearly two different colours; her left a dazzling emerald green and her right a stunning chocolate brown. As she grew older they got brighter and even more delightful. Looking into them tonight my own immediately filled with tears and I wiped at them frustratedly, noting that I'd been crying a ridiculous amount recently. My mind began reeling, remembering things I'd put to the back of my mind and forgotten about in the whirlwind of running a house with four young children and organising the perfect family Christmas. Just yesterday I'd scarfed down half a jar of peanut butter, be it smeared on toast, from a spoon or in the two sandwiches I'd eaten for lunch. Tears had seemed to spring out of nowhere as I watched the children Edward and I had brought into the world do menial things, things that usually would make me simple smile or laugh, now brought me to tears and turned me into a wreck. A week ago I had suffered a terrible bout of vomiting and we put it down to the chicked I'd eaten that had instantly tasted off. Oh shit! With a startling clap of clarity I looked down into my babys sleepy, half-lidded eyes and felt more tears rolling down my cheeks. It all made sense now. Oh my God...
"Momma..." I looked up and spotted Lizzie standing in the doorway, her little brother's hand tucked into hers as he rubbed at his eyes. "Me and Jake can't sleep. Can we get in yours and Daddy's bed?"
"Sure, baby. Let me put MacKenzie in her crib." She bit her lip -a habit she'd inherited from me, much to her Dad's delight- and eyed me hopefully.
"Can she sleep wiff us? And Daddy?"
"Daddy isn't back yet, Lizzie...he, he's a little busy at the moment. He's going to call and speak to you in the morning though." She sighed and hung her head, resigned, just like we all were.
"'Kay, Momma." With a soft kiss to MacKenzie's head I placed her in her crib, tucked the blanket around her and reset the nightlight and musical mobile before ushering Lizzie and a half asleep Jake into the bedroom I shared with Edward. Well, when he was here.
"Come on you two, snuggle up." As I settled myself into the centre of the king-size bed Edward and I had spent our first night as a married couple in, Lizzie tucked into my left side and Jake on my right, I decided that I'd get up early, call my sister-in-law Alice and have her pick up a test for me. She would be brining her three children over tomorrow anyway to get the holidays going and hopefully distract the kids from Edward's absence. Rosalie -Edward's other sister-, her husband and their two children, Edward's parents Carlisle and Esme and my dad were also coming over tomorrow. As I drifted off into an exhausted sleep I realised that Edward and I would definitely need to have a discussion about the travelling, especially if my suspicious were proved correct. My last waking thought before I succumbed to unconsciousness was what will Edward's reaction be when he finds out he's going to be a Dad again?