April Fools!
War is peace
Peace is war
Less is more
Yes is no
The cows are mad
The chickens glow
Jesus walks in Idaho
-Simon Atherton
...
Dumbledore folded his long, spidery fingers together and peered over his half-moon spectacles at Remus Lupin. "Have a peppermint," he said kindly.
Remus shook his head bravely. Though he was in tremendous pain from the previous full moon, he bore it silently, biting his lower lip between sharp white teeth. A single tear trembled at the corner of his beautiful, honey-coloured eye, and he blinked it away, turning his soulfully pain-laden gaze towards his headmaster.
"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you here, Mr Lupin." Dumbledore said benevolently, the bells in his white beard chiming in time with his words.
Remus shrugged. "Not really, no," he said, flicking his hair into his eyes with a graceful look-at-me-I'm-such-a-brave-young-werewolf gesture.
"Mr Lupin- Remus," Dumbledore said, in a headmasterly (yet somehow also benevolent) tone, "We have a new student joining us today – an exchange student." He paused significantly, peering at Remus down his crooked nose. Remus tried to peer back, but ended up with an eyeful of white nostril hair. Dumbledore continued, unperturbed. "An exchange student," he repeated, "from America. Her name is Ebony Darkness Raven Ninja Cannibal Vampire Quincent. She is a werewolf, like you." His eyes twinkled at Remus benevolently, like benevolent twinkly things tend to do.
"Ah," Remus said wisely. And then, "Erk."
For that was the moment in which Ebony Darkness Raven Ninja Cannibal Vampire Quincent entered the room, and her sheer beauty robbed him of his speech. He couldn't really describe that beauty later, but he did know that it was quite sheer. Much like her shirt.
"Erk, he said again, this time with feeling.
"Hello," she breathed throatily. "My name is Ebony Darkness Raven Ninja Cannibal Vampire Quincent, and you and I," - here she paused, and tossed her magnificent head magnificently - "Are to be bonded forever in were-marriage."
Whereupon Sirius Black burst into the room, screamed "FUCK THIS!" to the world in general, beheaded Ebony Darkness Raven Ninja Cannibal Vampire Quincent with his handy-dandy butter knife, and ran away, carrying Remus over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
As Dumbledore frowned omnisciently over his irritatingly asymmetrical spectacles, Professor McGonagall's shrieks echoed up from the foot of the stairs.
"BLACK! LUPIN! NO SHAGGING IN THE CORRIDOR! SEVENTEEN MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"
And then Voldemort spontaneously exploded.
The End.