Loving a Shadow
[A/N: This is a monologue scene that I considered puttin' in Ruthless Killer, but decided not to put in eventually, since Ruthless Killer was already at four pages. Anyway, this is short, but I hope it makes sense.]
Mother, dear, when you see me, what exactly do you think?
I mean, do you really love me?
Me?
Rachel?
Or do you just love who you think I am?
It's an interesting question.
Do you love me as your daughter, or are you simply in love with who you think I am? Who I used to be?
Could you love me, if you knew what I was?
Oh, I'm not talking about whether you could fake it. Everyone knows that parents are great at faking things.
Hugging you, kissing you, all that. Smiling at you, telling you everything's all right, when they're about to turn your whole life upside down by getting a divorce, or moving away.
But I mean it.
I need to know.
I need it, so badly.
Such a trivial question.
No, I don't mean trivial, as in not meaning anything at all. But it's such an easy question. And such a hard answer.
Sometimes, when you smile at me over dinner, I wonder if you really know. If . . . . . if you knew what I was, would you still smile at me so absently and innocently? Would you . . . . could you still love me?
You know, sometimes, I think of myself as I used to be: Rachel, as having died when I took that walk through the construction site.
That girl, who I used to be is dead. Xena took her place.
It's Xena who smiles at you, and doesn't want to babysit Jordan and Sara. It's Xena who hangs out with Cassie, and teases her about getting clothes without horse poop on them.
And it's Xena, more than anyone, who watches you carefully, wondering which side of the war you're on.
But you still haven't answered me, Mom.
Do you love me? Me, as I am now? Xena: Warrior Princess?
Or do you just love the shadow of a girl who died a long time ago?
[A/N: Well? Liked it, loved it, hated it? Send any and all replies to me at anifuture@hotmail.com. And take a look at my webpage, at http://anifuture.hypermart.net.]