"You wanted to see us, Chief?"
The Chief of CONTROL looked up from his desk at his two visitors. "Yes, Max, 99, I've been waiting for you. Come on in."
The couple entered and took their usual places – Max in the chair and 99 perched on the edge of the desk. "Is anything wrong, Chief?" 99 asked, concerned.
"Not exactly," their boss said ambiguously. "In fact, for many agents, things seem to be going very well. That's what I need your help with."
"You need us to help you stop things from going too well?" Max asked.
The Chief frowned and said slowly, "If I ever do, Max, I promise you, you'll be the first person I turn to."
"What's going on, Chief?" 99 asked quickly.
The Chief sighed and explained, "Well, it's actually been going on for a while now. You see, for the past three years, there's been a trend here at CONTROL. Agents have been dating, getting engaged, and getting married at a higher rate than they ever have before, and it only seems to be accelerating."
"Really?" Max gasped. "That's incredible..."
The Chief nodded. "Yes, it is."
"But the divorce rate hasn't gone up, too," Max finished.
Once the Chief seemed to have composed himself, 99 cleared her throat and asked, "What started it, Chief?"
"What happened three years ago, 99?" he asked.
"We finally beat the CIA's baseball team!" Max piped up.
"What else?" the Chief asked through gritted teeth.
"Uh... the lab issued the new model of the watch phone?" Max guessed.
"That was two years ago!"
"Oh... the comb phone?" Max guessed again.
99 finally decided to spare the Chief any more frustration. "Wait a minute, Max – we were married three years ago."
"I just remembered, Chief," Max said, "99 and I got married three years ago!"
"You don't say?" The Chief shook his head and paused to give 99 his how-do-you-put-up-with-this-all-day? look before continuing: "Yes, three years ago, you two got permission to get married, and things worked out so well for you that it seemed to give everyone else the idea that if you could do it, so could they. Ever since then, relatively speaking, CONTROL's been bombarded with requests from agents wanting to marry."
"But, Chief, Max and I weren't the first CONTROL agents to ever marry," 99 said, slightly confused.
"No, but it used to be done differently – agents who dated kept it a secret, they didn't consider marriage as an option, they were wary of looking at associates that way, or female agents retired once they got married. Marrying and then continuing to work here together was rarely done. But you two are two of our best agents; you're always in somewhat of a spotlight around here, and when you did it, well, you inspired everyone who used to think it couldn't be done or that it wasn't a good idea. You showed them it could work."
"Well, you know us, Chief – always glad to help," Max said with a proud smile.
The Chief smiled back and said, "I'm glad to hear you say that, Max, because we do need your help."
"With what?" 99 asked.
The Chief stood up and walked around the side of the desk. "Well, like I said, they know that it can work, but now how it works. I'll be honest with you, for the most part, this trend's having a bad effect on agents' performance. Mission success rates are falling, tensions are mounting, teams are breaking up... it's not working out well. And CONTROL is demanding that someone do something about it – specifically, the person who started it all by convincing them to approve your marriage."
"Oh, Chief, I'm sorry they're giving you a hard time," said 99.
"Me, too, Chief," Max added. "I promise, we'll never ask you for permission to marry again."
99 rolled her eyes this time, although the look was softened by an amused smile. "What are they going to do?" she asked.
"Well, they considered just denying permission to marry from now on," the Chief answered, "but I talked them out of it."
"How?" 99 asked next.
"I made a suggestion of my own. I proposed we start giving classes for couples on how to work together – a way to teach agents who are dating, engaged, or newly married how to balance work and their relationship."
"That's a great idea, Chief!" Max declared.
The Chief smiled and went on. "Fortunately, CONTROL thinks so, too. They've agreed to offer two classes a week for a three month trial period."
"That's a great idea!" repeated Max.
"Anyone employed by CONTROL is permitted to join," the Chief added, "but anyone requesting permission to marry, or who married recently, is required to attend."
"That's a great idea!" Max repeated again.
"And you two are going to teach it."
"That's a terrible idea," Max said flatly.
"Us, Chief?" 99 said incredulously.
"That's right."
"That's ridiculous!" Max said indignantly, standing up. "Who in their right mind would come up with a dumb plan like that?"
"I did," the Chief told him.
"Like I said, brilliant plan, Chief," Max said quickly, "but we're not teachers – what would the spy school union say?"
"Max, you two are the most successful couple at CONTROL. It just makes sense for you to be the ones to teach the others what they need to know to work well together."
99 spoke up. "But, Chief, we don't know anything about teaching a class. Sure, we've subbed at the spy school a few times, but we were only training a few students. This is different."
"Besides we don't have time," Max added. "How can we teach a class when we're supposed to be out tracking down KAOS agents?"
"It's only two days a week, Max. If it works out, maybe they'll hire professionals, but for now, teaching has been added to your schedule of duties."
Still unconvinced, 99 asked, "But what are we supposed to do?"
The Chief shrugged. "Just teach them what it takes to fight the forces of evil as a couple – how hard can it be?" At that moment, a loud ringing came from the map on the wall. "Oh, sorry, I've got to take this." He walked over to the map and removed two of the pushpins. "We'll talk more about this later. Your first class is in three days, so make sure you're prepared."
Max's eyes widened in shock. "Three days? But, Chief, how can we..."
"Later, Max!"
The Chief held one of the pushpins to his ear and one to his lips, but before he could say a word, Max walked over to him and started to, "But what'll we..."
"I don't care what you do! Plan it any way you want, just be there and be ready!" With that, he turned back to the pushpins and said into one of them, "CONTROL Headquarters, this is the Chief."
99 tapped her husband on the shoulder and whispered, "Max, I think we'd better go," took his arm, and led him reluctantly out of the office.
"Can you believe this, 99?" Max asked her as they walked down the hall.
"No," she answered truthfully.
"Us, teaching a couples' class for agents! What makes them think we know anything about love?" There was a pause while 99 shook her head and shrugged. "What are we going to do? We can't go through with this."
"But, Max, we have no choice," his wife said matter-of-factly.
"To think, experienced field agents like us being put back on desk duty!"
"It's not desk duty, Max, it's... classroom duty."
"Exactly – that means even more desks. That's even worse."
99 shrugged again. "Well, somebody has to do it, Max, and like the Chief said, we're the best ones for the job."
"Yes, well, sometimes being the best can be hard work."
She made no comment on that. "Well, it's not like you'd be doing it alone – we'd be together. Who knows? It might be fun... everyone looking up to us as their mentors..."
"We don't know anything about being mentors, 99."
"Well, there's a first time for everything."
"But I'm not ready for the first time."
"When will you be ready?" his wife asked.
"When I'm retired."
"Max," 99 said more firmly, "it's our duty to always do our best for CONTROL. Now we started this, so it's only fair that we fix it."
Max finally sighed in resignation. "I guess you're right, 99. But how are we supposed to teach a class on being a spy while being married to a spy?"
"I don't know – I've never heard of it before," 99 had to admit.
"That's not helping. If we're going to make this work, we need a plan."
"Right, Max."
"I mean, where would we even start?" Max wondered aloud.
"Well, we'd have to start with the basics..."
Max interrupted her before she got any further. "Exactly. And just how are we supposed to start with the basics?"
"Well, we could..." 99 trailed off before an idea struck her. "I know! What if we start by making a list of the top ten rules for couples to follow and then worked our way out from there?"
"I've got it, 99!" Max said excitedly. "We'll start by making a list of the top ten rules for couples to follow and then work our way out from there."
"Good thinking, Max," 99 said with a knowing grin.
Three days later, Max and 99 stood facing a lecture hall of 40 young CONTROL agents – 8 couples who had married in the past year, the rest either engaged, dating, or simply curious about the subject matter. The biggest difference between this assignment and their few times helping to train new recruits was that they knew about half the people here. This wasn't nearly as awkward, however, as the sight of the Chief and three CONTROL officials they'd never seen before sent to observe them.
Max cleared his throat as the Chief finished his introductory remarks and went to take his seat in the back with his companions. "Yes, well, thank you all for coming today," he said with his usual confidence. "You all know why we're here. I'm Maxwell Smart, Agent 86, and this is my wife, Agent 99..."
A young man with glasses raised his hand and called out, "What's her name?"
"That's classified," answered Max.
A girl on the other side of the room asked, "Why is her identity classified? Does she outrank you?"
"Don't try to stall by changing the subject," Max told her, conspicuously annoyed. "This isn't about us, this is about you, so let's get down to business."
A redheaded woman near the back sighed and slammed a pen down on her desk. "This is ridiculous. We've been through training already. We know what we're doing. Why do we have to waste our time here?" She looked to the man sitting next to her, who nodded sympathetically. Some murmurs of agreement began to sound around the room.
"No one's questioning your skill as agents," 99 said over the grumbling. "But you're all here because you're going through or will be going through a change that will drastically affect your career as a spy. We're just here to help you make the transition."
"What transition?" a woman with long, curly hair wondered, holding the hand of the blond man next to her. "We worked great together before, we'll keep working great together. Nothing will change."
"Yeah, what's the difference?" another man asked. "We'll just keep doing what we always do. Getting married doesn't change anything."
"Well, if that's the case, what's the point in getting married at all?" 99 asked with a mild smirk. A young man with a beard looked about to respond to that, but the woman next to him hit his arm before he could say anything, and he seemed to change his mind. 99 went on: "Love changes everything. Marriage changes everything. You need to be aware of that before you make such an important step."
"And that is why we're here," Max declared. "If you're going to be a successful battle couple, there a few rules to keep in mind..."
" 'Battle couple' isn't a term," the man with the glasses pointed out.
"It is now," Max said sternly.
"Maybe it's better to just avoid the whole thing," one girl said nervously, causing the young blond man behind her to look worried and confused.
"That may sound safer," said 99, "but it doesn't work that way."
"How did it work out for you?" another woman asked, grinning and raising an eyebrow.
"Sorry, that's also classified," Max informed her, as he and his wife clasped each other's hands and exchanged a brief glance and a smile. "Let our record speak for itself."
"Sure – does that mean we can leave?" the red-headed woman asked.
"No, it means the better you pay attention to what we have to tell you, the sooner you can leave," 99 told her.
The malcontent rolled her eyes and said, "Fine – what's your big secret?"
"Your first lesson is that it's not one secret, it's ten," Max informed her.
"That's right, you'll all continue to be successful spies if you just follow these ten rules," 99 clarified.
"Should we start taking notes now?" the nervous girl asked.
"Thorough notes," Max replied. "99, would you care to begin?"
"Right, Max. We'll start with the basics. Rule #10 should be the most obvious: Always keep work and pleasure separate."
"No! I never would have thought of that," the red-haired woman said sardonically.
"Now you see why this is important?" Max asked her, unsurprisingly missing the sarcasm.
99 ignored the exchange and continued: "When you're on an assignment together, remember that it's a mission, not a date. Missions are no time for kissing, flirting, casual banter, or bickering – it's distracting and dangerous. Save it for later."
"Where's the fun in that?" the bearded man asked.
"I thought that what's all battle couples do," said another.
"You two really never do that?" the curly-haired woman asked in disbelief.
"Never," Max assured her.
"Of course not," 99 added. "It's very unprofessional."
Max didn't seem to have heard her, as he continued, "What fun would the mission be if we wasted time on that?"
99 rolled her eyes bemusedly before saying, "I once told someone that 'Max and I are agents first, last, and always,' and I meant it. You have to take the same vow if you want to be as successful together as you were before."
"But there's more to it than that," Max said as their students took notes. "If you both want be excellent spies together, always remember Rule #9: Practice with each other's equipment – you never know when it might come in handy or when it might be all you have to work with. 99, remember that time you had to lend me your cologne spray bottle phone so we could communicate on the Richelieu case?"
"Yes, and the time you got us out of Dr. Yes' death trap using my diamond drill ring," 99 answered.
"Exactly!" Max turned back to the class. "Remember, to be prepared for anything, prepare with everything."
One man asked fearfully, "Even her knockout lipstick?"
"Desperate times may call for desperate measures," Max said gravely.
"Which brings us to Rule #8," said 99. "When it's a choice between each other and the mission, remember that the mission always comes first.
Some of their students gasped in shock. "You'd really leave each other behind to die just to save the world?" a girl asked in horror.
"Of course not," Max said impatiently. "That's Rule #7: When it's a choice between each other and the mission, forget about the mission."
There was a pause of silence in which several confused glances were exchanged before a man asked, "How could we do that?"
"It's what the good guys do," Max said nonchalantly. His voice changed, however, when he said, "But don't forget Rule#6: When she chooses staying with you over saving herself, don't waste your breath by arguing." He looked pointedly at his wife. "I learned that the hard way."
99 allowed herself one annoyed sigh. "Max, you didn't really expect me to stand there and let Herr Bunny shoot you, did you?"
"The Bunny case? Why would that bother me? That was the only time I won," her husband replied. "What about the Helman Theory case? Why couldn't you just stay behind like I wanted and let me protect you? You almost got killed!"
"If I hadn't been there to figure out how to escape, you would have been killed," she she reminded him.
Max crossed his arms. "That's none of your business."
"Well, it's none of your business when I risk my life, either. I thought you knew that when Hans Hunter captured us."
"I learned by then there was no point in telling you to save yourself and forget about me – why do you think I didn't say anything when you insisted on staying with me?"
"What did you expect me to do?"
"Let me save you! Why do you think I always tried to tell the KAOS agents who captured us to let you go?"
"And it never worked, so what was the point?"
"Well, what did you expect me to do?"
"Let me stay and fight with you."
"No wife of mine is going to die for me!"
"We weren't married, Max."
"Good," Max said contentedly. "Now that we are, you'll let me protect you from now on, right?"
"Wrong," 99 said firmly. "No husband of mine is going to die for me."
"But that's my job, 99."
"Well, protecting you is my job, too, Max."
"Do you always fight about who's going to save whom?" some young man asked.
"Yes," they both answered simultaneously.
"Like I said, save your breath," Max said, rolling his eyes. "It's a losing battle."
99 folded her arms and walked away from him. "That goes for you, too, ladies."
One of said ladies shrugged and observed, "You both seem to be doing a good job keeping each other alive so far."
The two amateur professors grinned and nodded in concession. Max also shrugged and said, "Yes, well, we know we'll always find some way out together. 99 knows she doesn't need to worry about me finding a way to save us both."
"Of course I don't, Max," 99 said sweetly. "You know you don't need to worry about me, either – I can handle anything you can."
"That's what happens when you work together as long as we have," Max told their class. "You have to know everything about each other so that you're ready for any surprises that come along."
"That's an excellent point, Max!"
"Of course it is, 99... which point is that?"
"Knowing everything about each other," 99 explained. "That's part of Rule #5: Trust each other with all your secrets. Be honest. Don't keep any secrets from each other unless you're specifically ordered to. Whenever you have the choice, never tell white lies or conceal things to 'protect' each other."
"But we're spies," a girl said incredulously.
"And as spies, you both know how to keep secrets," said Max. "If you keep secrets from each other, you'll just end up hurting..." He suddenly looked very thoughtful.
"Each other?" a man tried to finish for him.
"No, yourself," Max explained. "For example, I was once assigned to infiltrate a KAOS ring as a double agent, and I was told I couldn't tell 99, and so I... I had to..."
Seeing it was too painful for him to talk about, 99 interrupted him: "Well, that was my fault, too, Max. I should've known..."
"No, I should've told you. I knew the plan would be safe with you, but I knew you'd worry and that you'd want to help, and I didn't want to get you involved. I thought I was protecting you. If I'd just told you, you wouldn't have come looking for me and gotten captured by KAOS."
99 walked over and put her arm around her husband. "Oh, Max, don't blame yourself for that. I know doing that to me hurt you more than it did me."
"You can say that again! I never want to go through that again."
"You won't have to."
"Right – because of Rule #5."
"And Rule #4."
Max raised a puzzled eyebrow at her. "Rule #4?" Then it dawned on him. "Of course, Rule #4: Trust them with their secrets when you don't understand what's going on!"
"Right," 99 confirmed, turning back to their students. "Never assume the worst. Don't lose your faith in each other. Remember there's always some logical explanation – some secret they need to keep from you, some cover they need to maintain."
"See, if you had done that when Dr. Canyon had to hide out in our apartment and trusted me when I told you it was an assignment..." Max began, but 99 cut him off:
"Well, if you had just trusted me enough to tell me about your assignment..."
Max shook his head. "Come on, 99, have I ever given you one reason to be jealous?" They stared at each other for a few seconds before he added, "After we were married?" No response. "Besides Ann Cameron?" More silence. Finally getting angry, Max blurted out, "Well, it's not like I was ever really engaged to someone else..."
"Now, Max, remember Rule #3," 99 said loftily.
"Don't be jealous?" one woman guessed.
"No," said Max. "Learn to deal with being jealous."
The class was stunned by this advice. "That's ridiculous." "That's crazy!" "Do you believe this?" "What are you talking about?" "I'd never be jealous of any target she was sent after." "It's part of the job." We all do it." "I don't let that bother me." "I don't care..."
Max began looking at his watch. "When do you think they'll be finished?"
"Now," his wife answered before speaking up to their audience, not lowering her voice back to normal volume until the protests died down. "I know you all may think that you won't let yourself get jealous when he's sent undercover to catch a black widow, or she's sent to seduce an enemy agent – you're above that, you know it's part of the job, you have to do the same thing, it doesn't mean anything, it's not real, why should you let it bother you? You've promised you'll never be jealous – noble but, unfortunately, impossible. The truth is that those are unrealistic expectations. No matter what you tell yourself, no matter what the circumstances, you will get jealous."
"Why would you get jealous if you trust each other?" the man with the glasses asked.
"Why wouldn't you get jealous just because you trust each other?" Max asked back. "Trust us, kid, there's nothing you can do about it. It just happens, and you can't stop it, no matter how hard you try. When King Charles of Coronia was hiding in our apartment, I couldn't stand seeing him with her the first night, pretending to be me. The next day, I went crazy thinking my wife preferred him over me. You see things that aren't there. You forget everything you know about each other. The more you try to ignore it, the worse it gets. You can't fight it – all you can do is deal with it."
"How?" the red-haired woman asked, sounding sincere for the first time.
"By making sure the mark goes away for life when it's all over," 99 answered her, but then said more seriously, "Knowing it's only an assignment, that's it not real, doesn't make any difference. You still can't stand it. It will hurt, and it will make you angry. If you can't live with that for a while, well..."
"Call it quits," Max said bluntly.
"Max!" 99 gasped.
"Well, that's the way it is, 99. If you can't live with being jealous, you can't marry a spy."
"Doesn't knowing it's all an act make it easy to handle?" the blond man asked.
"No," they both said together again.
"But it does get easier over time," Max added.
"Really, Max," said 99, "you think you handled Victor Royale any better than you did Rex Savage?"
"Well, that was different – Royale was real, and I think I got over both of them faster than you got over Ann Cameron."
"We were married, it was our first anniversary, I was pregnant, and even you told them putting you on that case made no sense. Frankly, I think I handled it very maturely under the circumstances, unlike that trick you played on me when King Charles stayed with us."
"Well, you sure got back at me for that..."
"Maybe it is better to just forget about it," the nervous woman sighed. "How can anyone live like that?"
"You can't just ignore your feelings for each other," said 99. "Rule #2: Denial doesn't work. If you try to completely ignore your feelings for each other, you'll go crazy. You have to admit them."
"Have to?" a man repeated in shock.
"Have to," 99 repeated in turn.
Several eyes turned to Max, but all he could say was, "It's true."
"Speaking from personal experience?" the redhead asked, as if she knew the answer.
Max sighed and would have remained silent, but 99 gave him a look that said he had to tell them. "Speaking as someone who knows it doesn't work. You start by saying you're just friends. You can keep that up as long as... as long as no one else comes along. But when they find someone else, you realize you can't stand the thought of not being first and closest, the most important, the most special, and you have to admit what you want. So you tell yourself it's impossible, like wanting your own private island in the Caribbean with a fleet of solid gold yachts. You make all the usual arguments: she'd never feel the same way; it would complicate things too much; you're fine with the way things are – you don't want to get married or anything; life as you know it would change forever – it wouldn't be worth it; all that matters is the next mission and nothing else; it's too dangerous – the enemy would use it against you... but none of them make you feel better. Trying to protect you both from getting hurt just makes you feel worse..."
99 realized he'd had enough and took over for him: "So don't put either of you through all that. Always be honest about how you feel. Denial doesn't help anything; it only makes things worse."
"Did she teach you that one?" the man with the glasses asked Max.
"Yes," was Max's laconic answer. "She also taught me Rule #1."
"What's that?" a woman asked eagerly.
"Wait a minute," the man in the front row said. "If you can't deny it, how do you tell her?"
"I was just getting to that. As I was saying, Rule #1..." Max stood up straight, narrowed his eyes, and said very slowly and gravely, "If you're ever trapped in a situation where death seems inevitable, where you're sure there's no escape, where you can't see any way out, when you've completely run out of ideas and are at the end of your rope, when you're positive it's the end, there's only one thing you can do – one surefire, guaranteed survival trick that will get you out with 100% certainty: that's when you tell her. Works every time."
"I find that hard to believe," the red-haired woman said.
Max looked to his wife for help, but she only shrugged. "Would you believe... that's when you tell him, and it still works every time?" he asked, but the skeptic shook her head.
"Well, give it a try and let us know how it turns out," 99 said to her before looking up at the rest of the class. "Remember, everyone, save it for the moment when you'll need it to save you both. That's the most important rule for a battle couple."
"That's all there is to it?" the curly-haired woman asked.
"That's all there is for today," came the Chief's voice from the back. "I'm sorry, Max, 99, but we're out of time, and we're about to lose the room." Cries of protest erupted around him as people began calling out questions.
"I guess we got their attention, 99," Max whispered.
"I guess we did, Max," she agreed as she saw how eager they'd made everyone to hear more. "Success?"
"Of course success – was there any doubt?"
The Chief raised his hands and spoke louder. "I expect you all back later this week for the next lesson. Before you leave, be sure to sign the list at the door as proof of your attendance." In the din of people rising from their seats and gathering their supplies, he made his way to his best agents. "Max, 99, thank you, I can't tell you how much you've helped me. You've made a wonderful impression on everyone."
"Everyone, Chief?" 99 asked.
"Yes, everyone," he answered, looking over his shoulder. "When we first began planning this, they weren't sure you two would be up to it, but, after today, they said they really do think if anyone can show them how it's done, it's you two. And I agree."
"Thanks, Chief," said Max. The Chief went back to walk out with the rest of their observers, and Max put his arm around his wife. "You know, that wasn't so bad. It's kind of invigorating, passing on our wisdom, paving the road for the next generation, guiding them down the path to greatness, isn't it, 99?"
"It was a lot of fun, Max," she replied. "I think we learned a lot."
"You mean they learned a lot?" her husband asked her.
"They and us – we – learned a lot."
"We did?" he asked timidly.
"I did," she said with a nod. "I finally know how you felt." Before he could find the courage to ask what she was referring to, she leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"99, not in front of everyone!"
"But, Max, we're supposed to be setting an example." Smiling mischievously, she kissed him on the lips and thwarted all his attempts to escape her.
Eventually, Max was able to push her back a little. "I think we need to add another rule to the list, 99."
"What's that, Max?"
"With great responsibility comes great kissing." With that, he pulled her close again, and they picked up where they'd left off, unaware of the line of eyes acutely focused on them as the crowd filed passed.
That was certainly an example they all hoped to live up to.