I really don't know why I did it. I mean, I like Athena, I care about her a lot, but I never thought about her like that before. How could I?
Love is, without a doubt, the most cherished and desired of human emotions. It can make us whole... complete... as long as it is returned, of course; as long as you are with the right person...
I could not describe the pain I was in when Athena came and admitted her feelings for me. Darkness dominated my days, surrounded my soul, crushed my heart, as I watched the only person I could ever love, fall for one of my friends.
Athena said she'd loved me since we'd been trapped in the Recreation Centre together, when the Galactica was on fire, but that she'd been too scared to tell me. Until now...
She truly was amazing that day. They all thought that I was the hero, managing, thank the Lords, to get everybody to safety by hot-wiring that door. The truth is, I couldn't have done it without her.
She was... she *is* my friend, one of my closest, and I'll always care about her, but she's just not the person I can give my heart to; I gave that away a long time ago... to someone who has never noticed. To someone who will never notice.
Times change, I tell myself; people change. But never the way you want them to. Maybe if I tell that to Athena, then she'll realise we're not meant to be. That won't satisfy her, I know. She'll want to know exactly why I can't be with her, but how do I possibly tell her that I'm in love with her brother?
I see them together, Apollo and Sheba. No matter what they're doing, where they are, always they are in love. I see the way his eyes light up when he sees her. I see the tenderness in his heart as he touches her. I see the desire in his soul to be with her forever.
Not with me.
Don't get me wrong, I could never hate Sheba. I love her as one of my best friends, and would probably lay down my life to save hers if it ever came to it, but there are times when I just wish we'd never encountered the Pegasus.
Not that it would matter.
I have always known that my friend did not think of me the same way I thought of him, and when he was sealed to Serina, it didn't bother me as much as I feared. After all, there was plenty company around if you knew where to look for it. I didn't attend their service, being laid up in the Life Centre at the time, but when I heard she'd been shot on Kobol- and I've never forgiven myself for this- a small part of me couldn't stop hoping that he'd realise there was someone better waiting for him.
It didn't happen.
He spent so long mourning for his wife, so long in pain, and by the time I had deluded myself into thinking that he might be ready to here how I felt, Apollo had found Sheba.
I replay those first few sectons in my mind, and I can still see the looks exchanged between them. Neither one noticed the other, of course, but I did. The admiration... the respect... the desire...
And neither one noticed me.
It's always been difficult to avoid watching Apollo. On duty... on the Triad court... he just doesn't seem to realise how good he looks. That long, dark hair... those deep green eyes...
Tortured eyes.
Until Sheba came along, he wasn't happy. Anyone could see it. But, unless they looked, and I mean *really* looked, they didn't see the subtle change when she came aboard and began to spend time with him.
Starbuck once said that Apollo was captivated the moment Cain showed him the holo-image of his daughter, and, no matter how much the Captain denied it, I knew it was true. Learning that she was the one who had his Viper locked on target could only have fanned the flames in my love's heart, and the strength; the loyalty and the courage he found when he began to dig deeper, would almost certainly lose him to me forever.
For some reason, one I've never fully understood, it took a long time for them to get together properly, even though, by that time, it was obvious to all that knew them, just how much they cared about each other.
How much they *do* care about each other.
I guess that brings me back to the beginning.
I think that, deep down inside, I really did want to make it work with Athena. I thought that maybe she really *could* be the one to make me forget about Apollo. It didn't matter that she was his sister, I told myself. I cared enough about her to make it work.
I was wrong.
Maybe my new hopelessness comes with the knowledge that, in a centar from now, Apollo will be truly lost to me forever, as he and Sheba are sealed. Maybe it is because I know that only moments from now, Athena will come in, ready to go and watch her brother's wedding, only to find that I won't- I can't be with her.
I don't know whether I'll be able to tell her the truth, or if I'd even want to, but what I do know is, that by the end of the day, both our hearts will be broken, and someone will want answers.
Answers that I'm not capable of giving...