Original Prompt:

Pairing: Any or none
Rating: Any
Must Haves: The third wizarding war, with an evil dark lord and all.
No-No's: The resurrection of Voldemort. Humor/parody
Bonus Points: Harry isn't the savior.

A/N: While this is meant as a one-shot, it still serves as a "teaser" of sorts for the 3rd part of my currently-going trilogy that started with "Harry Potter and the Book of Merlin" and "Harry Potter and the Fortress of Shadows." So, please keep that in mind as you read.

THE UPPER HAND

The darkness was lifted from Hermione's vision almost like a blindfold being pulled from over her eyes. Curiously, it didn't take Hermione any effort at all to allow her eyes to adjust to the light, despite her surroundings being bathed in a reasonable amount of it.

She was in the middle of what appeared to be a Study in a lavish mansion of some sort, except that there were barely any distinguishing features in it to give hints as to its ownership. The room was simply made up of bland, everyday objects such as furniture and the like, with nothing to set it apart from all the other Studies in mansions.

Hermione immediately became aware of three things. One, that the room was shrouded in a dead silence that would make the hairs on the backs of the necks of anyone not as used to them stand straight, and uncomfortably, up. Two, that her arms were tightly bound to those of the hard wooden chair she was currently occupying and three, that she was flanked on either side by a pair of men who possessed physiques that matched those of mountain trolls, if mountain trolls were the same size as humans. Neither of them were looking at her, but rather looking at a closed door located just to the right of a roaring fireplace at the opposite end of the Study.

Normally, Hermione might have been intimidated from being in such a situation, but the fact that she was now in the middle of the Third Wizarding War had hardened her resolve considerably, especially when taking into consideration that she was also the leader of a resistance sect called The Mudblood Revolt. So now, being abducted, blindfolded and taken to an undisclosed location only to be tied to a chair and guarded by two brutish wizards wasn't that much out of the ordinary.

Hermione was brought out of her thoughts by the opening of the door beside the fireplace. Not that she had any doubts about who was behind her kidnapping, but if there had been, they would have been quashed at that moment.

The person in question calmly walked over to where Hermione without saying a word. It was a man dressed in all black, but more specifically, a black Muggle business suit, which looked tailor-made, with a dark green tie and what could only be described as a cape, black as well, flowing behind him. This man's hair was the same color as his wardrobe, but it was closely cropped in such a way that it was a few inches away from being similar to the haircuts of American military men. There was a coldness in his eyes that seemed to often alternate between indifference and cunning intellect. All in all, it served him well. It was Salazar Slytherin, returned to the land of the living.

Salazar came to a halt in front of Hermione, surveying her as a hunter would their prey. "Miss Granger." His voice carried an air of superiority that made him sound both high-class and like a typical villain. Not that the latter was false in any way. "So pleased you could accept my invitation." He conjured up his own chair, planted it directly in front of Hermione's, and sat.

Hermione returned Salazar's stare with her own, hers of the icy persuasion. "It's not like I had any choice in the matter, wouldn't you say?"

Salazar smirked in amusement. "Even though I've been asleep for quite some years, your sense of sarcasm is not lost on me."

"Good."

Salazar leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs in the same motion, a gesture that emphasized even more the idea that he was in control. "Let's not waste each other's time. I've had you brought here because -"

"You intend to attempt to negotiate terms of a 'ceasefire' that would be beneficial for both of us." There was no trace left in Hermione whatsoever of the weak and innocent young girl who had been tortured mercilessly by Bellatrix Lestrange at Malfoy Manor. Leading a resistance in the middle of a war would change anybody.

If this took Salazar by surprise in any way, he was experienced enough not to let it show. "I'm relieved to see that you live up to your title of 'The Brightest Witch of Her Age.' But, yes. There's been enough bloodshed, on both sides, wouldn't you agree?"

Hermione actually went out of her way to visibly relax. Sure, it was a cocky move, but she had to retain an air of control in this situation. "Absolutely. But if I may be so bold, Salazar, it seems to me you're more concerned with stemming the blood that's coming from your side, rather than ours. Because I imagine that last assault left your defenses fairly crippled."

Once again, Salazar let no trace of emotion cross his face. "You can cut away at a snake all you like, but as long as the head still remains intact, the body will survive. I've learned that the practical way. It's how I was able to return after all these years. Freed from The Fortress of Shadows, where I was suspended in animation, waiting for my loyal followers to come along and liberate me. Which they did."

"If you have a point," Hermione snapped, "why don't you get to it already?"

The air around Salazar's right hand shimmered hazily until an object appeared in said hand. That object was a knife, with a grip that was shaped like a snake's head, so that the actual blade resembled the tongue.

"I do have a point," he intoned indifferently. "And if you're not careful, Miss Granger, that point could puncture that pretty little skin of yours."

Salazar dropped his hand back to his side, so that the weapon was suspended in the air by itself. It then slowly floated its way toward Hermione, not stopping until the tip rested against Hermione's upper left forearm.

"And we certainly wouldn't want there to be any more blood to be spilt, now, would we?" Salazar continued. "Especially when it would risk staining that lovely little engagement ring of yours."

Sure enough, there was a sparkling silver ring with a dazzling blue diamond in the center resting on Hermione's left ring finger.

"Name your terms," Hermione said coldly, both recognizing exactly when to drop her tough demeanor and that her fiancé wouldn't much appreciate her being injured to retain said toughness.

"The unconditional surrender of The Mudblood Revolt to my army," Salazar stated tonelessly. "If they do so, then they won't be hurt, merely tried accordingly for their crimes once my people adjust the current Magical government so that we can guide it properly."

For the first time since her blindfold had been removed, Hermione actually smirked, despite her situation. "You know, those really don't sound agreeable to me at all."

A sign of Salazar's inner feelings finally crossed his face: a flicker of anger. "Is that so?"

Hermione gave the slightest of nods. "I'd say your ability to cowardly negotiate a truce was ruined when you tried to have my parents killed. If you think yourself a cunning man, Salazar Slytherin, then you have no idea how cunning I can be."

Salazar jumped up from his seat and glared at the two guards on either side of Hermione and then to her before circling around her chair. "You wanted to be caught. Clever. But it would seem as you're the one currently bound to a chair, you're the one at a disadvantage."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Hermione said calmly. "No doubt your boys had a pleasant time patting me down for weapons, but something such as an Undetectable Charm can do wonders, like concealing a wand. Even, say, a wand hidden up someone's right sleeve."

As if on cue, a wand slid out from Hermione's right sleeve and into her grasp. In reaction to that, the ropes holding Hermione's arms to the chair glowed red until they snapped apart. It then took Hermione one swift motion to Stun the wizards who had previously been guarding her and in that same motion, Salazar leveled his own wand.

"Well, what do you know?" said Hermione. "It looks like I actually have the upper hand."

Mere seconds after those words, the windows of the Study all burst into flying shards with a cacophony of crushing glass. Then, in swung three people on ropes, who glided through the air until their feet touched on solid ground. All of them instantly raised wands, each aimed directly at Salazar.

And at the head of the pack was Harry Potter himself.

"Hello, darling," he greeted Hermione as airily as if he had just arrived for a dinner date. "I must say, smashing work on your part."

"Thanks, dear," Hermione replied with a small smile. "But I'd like to think it was a team effort."

Salazar, meanwhile, was staring at Harry in amusement. "Harry Potter. I should have known you'd be behind something like this."

"Not me," Harry said simply. "Her." He gestured to Hermione. "It was Hermione's plan, to get the drop on the invincible Salazar Slytherin."

Salazar took that moment to chuckle. "Ah, yes, well, you see … I'm not Salazar Slytherin."

Harry and Hermione exchanged the briefest of looks. "What?"

Salazar glanced at his watch. "Oh, you'll find out in five … four … three … two … one."

And with that, Salazar's features started to bubble vigorously … signifying the use of Polyjuice Potion. Within a minute, Harry, Hermione and the other Aurors were now looking at a man with blonde hair and a matching goatee to boot.

"Zachariah," said Harry with disdain. Zachariah was Salazar Slytherin's right-hand man.

"Salazar regrets he was unable to attend, but you know him … quite the cautious man." Zachariah spoke the words with the kind of high-and-mighty tone that made him sound like a Malfoy.

Instead of replying, Hermione flicked her wand so that Zachariah was propelled against the wall, where he was held up against it by chains. Hermione approached him with a stony face.

"Well, you can relay a message to Salazar yourself. That if he thinks he can intimidate us into surrendering, then he is sorely mistaken. The Mudblood Revolt will fight until there's nobody on your side left. We're not going to be forced into submission. We're going to win this war."

The second that Hermione finished talking, she stepped back to take Harry's hand and they, along with the Aurors, Disapparated, leaving the weight of her words hanging in the air behind her.