Title: Transcendence.
By Jaye Reid
Written: April 20, 2003
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Noel, 17 People, Season 4 & S4 spoilers.
Disclaimer: Owned by the brilliant Sorkin and WB. Not mine, never will be. I have no money, therefore I'm not worth suing. Borrowed for my own amusement.
Category: Josh/Donna
Summary: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt.
Archiving: "Boulevard of Misdirection"
The National Library and Fanfiction.net
Authors Notes: Would you believe this stand - alone basically wrote itself in my head on the 10-minute drive to the Chinese takeaway and back tonight? Seriously it did. Thanks to the brilliant Aim for the prompt beta read when I emailed her and basically said, I've written this thing and it's done. Inspired by all the discussion on the upcoming spoilers. Yes I am still working on Taking Care, along with a few other projects.
*******
"Hey Josh."
"Hey... we're playing cards, right?" He asks as he looks around at his colleagues. They're gathered in the mess, sitting in a quite corner drinking beer.
"Well yeah, that's the plan," Donna replies.
"The plan's missing something," he breathes as he pulled up a chair.
"The... cards?" offers Toby.
"Yeah... we noticed that," CJ adds.
"Yet no one has gone to get them?" Josh looks to each of them.
"We were talking," offers Will. "Has there been any word on Jean Pierre?"
"Nah... not yet."
"How's Zoey?" Donna questions, playing with the charm on the end of her necklace.
"Yeah... okay I guess," he shrugs as he reaches for the beer Donna is holding. She surrenders it willingly, only to stretch for a full bottle from the table behind her.
"Hey," he protests.
"I would have given you a full bottle but apparently you preferred mine," she offers with a half cheeky smile.
"This doesn't count towards one you know, because it's not a full bottle," he bargains.
"Oh lord," mumbles Toby into his beer and beard.
Josh looks at Donna out of the corner of his eye as he raises the bottle to his smirking lips, "It doesn't."
"It must be difficult living under the threat of kidnap," Will muses. "The price you pay for being the Leader of the Free World I guess."
"Or born of royalty or associating with either," adds CJ.
"Or just being..." begins Donna.
"Or just being what, Donna?" Will asks when she stops.
"Or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time," she says quietly, taking a pull of her beer.
"Donna?" CJ questions gently.
"I was kidnapped once," she shrugs again, trying to sound matter-of-factly, but avoiding everyone's eyes.
Avoiding Josh.
"What? When?" Josh gapes at her. "Donna?"
She does the nervous little smile thing that Josh associates with her departing something big, before she tucks a loose strand of her long blonde hair behind an ear. He reaches over and gently lifts her chin. Her watery eyes meet his and everyone else wishes there was some way to magically transport themselves from the room. This isn't a place for them. This is a place only Josh and Donna should be.
"I'm... I'm sorry..." she offers with a small half chuckle as, like a child, she swipes the cuff of her cardigan sleeve over her eyes. "It's... it was so long ago, I can't believe I still cry to talk about it."
Josh drags his chair next to hers so he can protectively wrap his arm around her shoulders. She leans into him, not particularly caring what anyone thinks it looks like. These people are their friends and they know there is a special unspoken connection between her and Josh.
"How... how old were you?" Toby asks directly.
Josh tightens his grip around her in unconscious protection.
She looks up at Toby and knows his question is from genuine concern rather than an ambulance chaser-like interest. She's glad of Josh's arms around her. It's like he is the glue that will hold her together while she spills another long ago memory.
"I was eight," she nods, and takes another mouthful of the beer looking for some magical strength from it. All she gets is the bitter taste of hops, but she continues anyway.
"It was summer break and I was with my best friend Corrine and her older brother. We'd walked down to the lake to go swimming. We'd spent most of the day down there, and well, there were a whole heap of kids I knew down there. Anyway... it was getting late. Corrine's mom had promised to take us to the movies after dinner so we wanted to get back. Darren, Corrine's brother had met up with some friends down at the lake, so... so we decided to walk back alone."
"And?" CJ prodded gently.
Donna exhaled. "And... we were walking along and this car pulls up. Corrine... Corrine said she recognized the guy as some friend of her Dad's and it would be okay when he said he'd give us a lift home. Except he turned left instead of right away from her street and we knew there was something wrong...." She pushes away tears with the fingers on one hand while juggling her beer and looking for imaginary lint on her cardigan with the other. "Then she decided it wasn't a friend of her Dad's... just looked like him... anyway we were... we were crying and asking him to please let us go home and he just ignored us and kept driving."
"Well he must have been caught, I mean you're here so..." Will tries to sound positive and Donna thinks he is a little like Sam in trying to find something good in something bad.
"We... it was an old car and it smelt musty and... and I remember there were coils of old rope on the floor and they were moldy and dank. I was sitting near the door and I told Corrine we were going to be okay, I would think of something... but she was really freaking out... Corrine and I were holding hands and I had the other on the door handle. When he slowed down to go around a corner I flung the door open and... I jumped."
"My god Donna, you saved yourself and your friend?"
"No."
"No?"
"Corrine... she... she didn't jump. I don't know why, I don't know whether she was scared of getting hurt from hitting the road or whether she was just frozen with fear... I jumped, I hit the road and then ended up in some bushes..." She finishes, unconsciously rubbing her knee. Josh remembered she had a fairly horrible scar on her knee, but never questioned. He knew what it was like to have fairly horrible scars.
On the inside and the outside.
"Did he..." CJ wasn't sure what she was asking.
"Stop?" Donna asks, turning to CJ.
"Yeah, I guess."
"No. He still had Corrine. He... he got to do what he planned with her. I guess I would have only been an added extra."
"So... they... they found your friend?" Josh asks gently, pressing his cheek into her hair to mask the unshed tears in his eyes. Afraid he already knew the answer to his question.
"Yeah. They found her body half buried in leaves and mud in the next county beside a riverbank. She'd been raped, repeatedly apparently, and her throat was slashed before he dumped her."
"Did they get him?" Toby asks, swallowing another mouthful of beer and wincing at the taste. He was more of a spirits man.
"Yes. A few months later he tried it again and got caught. He's dead now. He hung himself before the trial," she replies, contemplating the remnants of the bottle before swallowing them in two rapid mouthfuls. "So really, it doesn't matter whether you're a member of the First Family, of royal blood or anyone else of great importance... sometimes it just happens."
The gathering sat silent, introspective.
"I'm sorry," she offers, placing the empty bottle on the table in front of her. "I didn't mean to bring everyone down, I..."
"No, no... you had something to contribute. You're right, it can happen to anyone. I guess we were missing the big picture. You have this unique way of grounding us, Donna," Josh imparts, stroking his fingers through her hair.
"If no one minds, I think I might head home," Donna smiles a soft sad smile as she stands.
"I'll take you home," Josh offers, standing also.
"Really, you don't have to. Stay, play cards," she shakes her head.
"No, I'll take you home. Let me take you home," he was almost pleading.
She nods and smiles and says goodnight to everyone as they leave the mess. She doesn't want to tell him she isn't a fragile eight year old anymore and she doesn't need him to protect her. But she doesn't want cause a scene, so she lets him put his hand on the small of her back and lead her back to their office space.
"You should have said something Donna," he says softly as they reach her desk. "I would never have... I would never have let you leave this building alone at night if I had any idea..."
"Did I have your office window boarded up Josh?" she questions. She has to make sure this doesn't go any further. She loves him, and his protectiveness is something that makes her feel comfortable and happy but she can't have him hovering over her for the rest of her life.
He gives her a confused stare. "What?"
"After you punched your hand through your apartment window to try and stop the sirens from wailing in your head. Did I go around and ensure that you were never left alone with another window?"
"No, Donna, of course not... I..."
"Then understand that I'm not afraid to walk on my own out in the big, bad, world Josh. I'm careful, I catch a taxi and I avoid areas that are dubious. You can't protect me from the world without wrapping me in a bubble. I didn't wrap you in a bubble Josh. You learned to recognize the triggers and how to avoid them or work through them. So did I."
"You... that's how... after... after I talked to the ATVA guy... Leo said you knew. He said you were the one who picked it," Josh gapes, resting himself on the edge of her desk. "You..."
"My triggers are musty rope, cigar smoke and..."
"Cigar smoke?" Josh's forehead wrinkles. "Back there you didn't mention..."
"Toby was there, I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable."
"But... Toby smokes cigars most of the time when we go out to bars and..."
"Yes and I have learned to cope with that. With Toby. He's Toby smoking cigars. I don't associate him and his cigars with that horrible car with its musty rope and stench of cigars."
"Just like I don't hear sirens anymore, or well... very often, when I hear music." Josh nods.
"Yes," Donna replies, rewarding him with a bright smile for piecing the puzzle together.
He smiles, leaning into her and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "You're an amazing woman Donnatella Moss. I don't think I tell you that nearly often enough."
"You tell me plenty, Josh. But are you going to take me home or not?"
"You still want me to take you home? You don't want to, I dunno, fend for yourself out there in the big world?"
"Take me home Josh," Donna snorts, rolling her eyes.
"Because you know, I can let you walk if you want to be independent and brave and..."
"Josh, just shut the hell up and take me home!" she laughs.
The End...
By Jaye Reid
Written: April 20, 2003
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Noel, 17 People, Season 4 & S4 spoilers.
Disclaimer: Owned by the brilliant Sorkin and WB. Not mine, never will be. I have no money, therefore I'm not worth suing. Borrowed for my own amusement.
Category: Josh/Donna
Summary: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt.
Archiving: "Boulevard of Misdirection"
The National Library and Fanfiction.net
Authors Notes: Would you believe this stand - alone basically wrote itself in my head on the 10-minute drive to the Chinese takeaway and back tonight? Seriously it did. Thanks to the brilliant Aim for the prompt beta read when I emailed her and basically said, I've written this thing and it's done. Inspired by all the discussion on the upcoming spoilers. Yes I am still working on Taking Care, along with a few other projects.
*******
"Hey Josh."
"Hey... we're playing cards, right?" He asks as he looks around at his colleagues. They're gathered in the mess, sitting in a quite corner drinking beer.
"Well yeah, that's the plan," Donna replies.
"The plan's missing something," he breathes as he pulled up a chair.
"The... cards?" offers Toby.
"Yeah... we noticed that," CJ adds.
"Yet no one has gone to get them?" Josh looks to each of them.
"We were talking," offers Will. "Has there been any word on Jean Pierre?"
"Nah... not yet."
"How's Zoey?" Donna questions, playing with the charm on the end of her necklace.
"Yeah... okay I guess," he shrugs as he reaches for the beer Donna is holding. She surrenders it willingly, only to stretch for a full bottle from the table behind her.
"Hey," he protests.
"I would have given you a full bottle but apparently you preferred mine," she offers with a half cheeky smile.
"This doesn't count towards one you know, because it's not a full bottle," he bargains.
"Oh lord," mumbles Toby into his beer and beard.
Josh looks at Donna out of the corner of his eye as he raises the bottle to his smirking lips, "It doesn't."
"It must be difficult living under the threat of kidnap," Will muses. "The price you pay for being the Leader of the Free World I guess."
"Or born of royalty or associating with either," adds CJ.
"Or just being..." begins Donna.
"Or just being what, Donna?" Will asks when she stops.
"Or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time," she says quietly, taking a pull of her beer.
"Donna?" CJ questions gently.
"I was kidnapped once," she shrugs again, trying to sound matter-of-factly, but avoiding everyone's eyes.
Avoiding Josh.
"What? When?" Josh gapes at her. "Donna?"
She does the nervous little smile thing that Josh associates with her departing something big, before she tucks a loose strand of her long blonde hair behind an ear. He reaches over and gently lifts her chin. Her watery eyes meet his and everyone else wishes there was some way to magically transport themselves from the room. This isn't a place for them. This is a place only Josh and Donna should be.
"I'm... I'm sorry..." she offers with a small half chuckle as, like a child, she swipes the cuff of her cardigan sleeve over her eyes. "It's... it was so long ago, I can't believe I still cry to talk about it."
Josh drags his chair next to hers so he can protectively wrap his arm around her shoulders. She leans into him, not particularly caring what anyone thinks it looks like. These people are their friends and they know there is a special unspoken connection between her and Josh.
"How... how old were you?" Toby asks directly.
Josh tightens his grip around her in unconscious protection.
She looks up at Toby and knows his question is from genuine concern rather than an ambulance chaser-like interest. She's glad of Josh's arms around her. It's like he is the glue that will hold her together while she spills another long ago memory.
"I was eight," she nods, and takes another mouthful of the beer looking for some magical strength from it. All she gets is the bitter taste of hops, but she continues anyway.
"It was summer break and I was with my best friend Corrine and her older brother. We'd walked down to the lake to go swimming. We'd spent most of the day down there, and well, there were a whole heap of kids I knew down there. Anyway... it was getting late. Corrine's mom had promised to take us to the movies after dinner so we wanted to get back. Darren, Corrine's brother had met up with some friends down at the lake, so... so we decided to walk back alone."
"And?" CJ prodded gently.
Donna exhaled. "And... we were walking along and this car pulls up. Corrine... Corrine said she recognized the guy as some friend of her Dad's and it would be okay when he said he'd give us a lift home. Except he turned left instead of right away from her street and we knew there was something wrong...." She pushes away tears with the fingers on one hand while juggling her beer and looking for imaginary lint on her cardigan with the other. "Then she decided it wasn't a friend of her Dad's... just looked like him... anyway we were... we were crying and asking him to please let us go home and he just ignored us and kept driving."
"Well he must have been caught, I mean you're here so..." Will tries to sound positive and Donna thinks he is a little like Sam in trying to find something good in something bad.
"We... it was an old car and it smelt musty and... and I remember there were coils of old rope on the floor and they were moldy and dank. I was sitting near the door and I told Corrine we were going to be okay, I would think of something... but she was really freaking out... Corrine and I were holding hands and I had the other on the door handle. When he slowed down to go around a corner I flung the door open and... I jumped."
"My god Donna, you saved yourself and your friend?"
"No."
"No?"
"Corrine... she... she didn't jump. I don't know why, I don't know whether she was scared of getting hurt from hitting the road or whether she was just frozen with fear... I jumped, I hit the road and then ended up in some bushes..." She finishes, unconsciously rubbing her knee. Josh remembered she had a fairly horrible scar on her knee, but never questioned. He knew what it was like to have fairly horrible scars.
On the inside and the outside.
"Did he..." CJ wasn't sure what she was asking.
"Stop?" Donna asks, turning to CJ.
"Yeah, I guess."
"No. He still had Corrine. He... he got to do what he planned with her. I guess I would have only been an added extra."
"So... they... they found your friend?" Josh asks gently, pressing his cheek into her hair to mask the unshed tears in his eyes. Afraid he already knew the answer to his question.
"Yeah. They found her body half buried in leaves and mud in the next county beside a riverbank. She'd been raped, repeatedly apparently, and her throat was slashed before he dumped her."
"Did they get him?" Toby asks, swallowing another mouthful of beer and wincing at the taste. He was more of a spirits man.
"Yes. A few months later he tried it again and got caught. He's dead now. He hung himself before the trial," she replies, contemplating the remnants of the bottle before swallowing them in two rapid mouthfuls. "So really, it doesn't matter whether you're a member of the First Family, of royal blood or anyone else of great importance... sometimes it just happens."
The gathering sat silent, introspective.
"I'm sorry," she offers, placing the empty bottle on the table in front of her. "I didn't mean to bring everyone down, I..."
"No, no... you had something to contribute. You're right, it can happen to anyone. I guess we were missing the big picture. You have this unique way of grounding us, Donna," Josh imparts, stroking his fingers through her hair.
"If no one minds, I think I might head home," Donna smiles a soft sad smile as she stands.
"I'll take you home," Josh offers, standing also.
"Really, you don't have to. Stay, play cards," she shakes her head.
"No, I'll take you home. Let me take you home," he was almost pleading.
She nods and smiles and says goodnight to everyone as they leave the mess. She doesn't want to tell him she isn't a fragile eight year old anymore and she doesn't need him to protect her. But she doesn't want cause a scene, so she lets him put his hand on the small of her back and lead her back to their office space.
"You should have said something Donna," he says softly as they reach her desk. "I would never have... I would never have let you leave this building alone at night if I had any idea..."
"Did I have your office window boarded up Josh?" she questions. She has to make sure this doesn't go any further. She loves him, and his protectiveness is something that makes her feel comfortable and happy but she can't have him hovering over her for the rest of her life.
He gives her a confused stare. "What?"
"After you punched your hand through your apartment window to try and stop the sirens from wailing in your head. Did I go around and ensure that you were never left alone with another window?"
"No, Donna, of course not... I..."
"Then understand that I'm not afraid to walk on my own out in the big, bad, world Josh. I'm careful, I catch a taxi and I avoid areas that are dubious. You can't protect me from the world without wrapping me in a bubble. I didn't wrap you in a bubble Josh. You learned to recognize the triggers and how to avoid them or work through them. So did I."
"You... that's how... after... after I talked to the ATVA guy... Leo said you knew. He said you were the one who picked it," Josh gapes, resting himself on the edge of her desk. "You..."
"My triggers are musty rope, cigar smoke and..."
"Cigar smoke?" Josh's forehead wrinkles. "Back there you didn't mention..."
"Toby was there, I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable."
"But... Toby smokes cigars most of the time when we go out to bars and..."
"Yes and I have learned to cope with that. With Toby. He's Toby smoking cigars. I don't associate him and his cigars with that horrible car with its musty rope and stench of cigars."
"Just like I don't hear sirens anymore, or well... very often, when I hear music." Josh nods.
"Yes," Donna replies, rewarding him with a bright smile for piecing the puzzle together.
He smiles, leaning into her and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "You're an amazing woman Donnatella Moss. I don't think I tell you that nearly often enough."
"You tell me plenty, Josh. But are you going to take me home or not?"
"You still want me to take you home? You don't want to, I dunno, fend for yourself out there in the big world?"
"Take me home Josh," Donna snorts, rolling her eyes.
"Because you know, I can let you walk if you want to be independent and brave and..."
"Josh, just shut the hell up and take me home!" she laughs.
The End...