GOODNIGHT SWEET PRINCE, GOOD MORROW FAIR OPHELIA
The lights rise to reveal a small room. A line of chairs and a desk. A door at back, and one at the side. All the chairs are filled but one. Next to the empty chair sits a pretty young woman in white. Her hair is wet and damp. She is silent. This is Ophelia. The other chairs are in a line, and are filled. From left to right: A young man, Romeo, holding hands with a young woman, Juliet, a very old man wearing a crown, Lear, Ophelia, an imposing Black man, Othello, A man in Roman armor, Brutus, and a beautiful woman in Egyptian dress, Cleopatra. Sitting behind the desk is an older, bald man with a beard: the receptionist. Who he resembles should not be lost on the audience.
The silence in the room is total. The air is still and the men and women in the line do not make a sound. It's oppressive and uncomfortable; a great deal of tension is noticeable. Tableau. Then Hamlet enters by the large doors at back. He's young, handsome in an intellectual way and dressed in black. All heads swing towards him. Ophelia looks away quickly. He does not notice. An awkward pause as he wonders if he should say anything or not. The Receptionist stands.
Hamlet: Umm.. Good evening.
Receptionist: Good Evening.
A beat.
Hamlet: Where-
Receptionist: Are you?
Hamlet: Yes.
Receptionist: (As if this should be enough)You're here.
A beat. Hamlet stares at him like he's insane.
Hamlet: Well, obviously. But where's here?
Receptionist: (Baffled) What?
Hamlet: Where is "here"? Because obviously, here has to be somewhere.
A beat. The Receptionist considers the question.
Receptionist: Uh. that's the first time anyone has ever asked that question.
Hamlet: You've got to be kidding me.
Receptionist: Yeah. Most people are just satisfied with "Here."
Hamlet: How could anybody be satisfied with that?
Receptionist: It sounds good.
Hamlet: That explains it.
Receptionist: People will generally accept anything as long as you sound intelligent.
Hamlet: Really?
Receptionist: Yeah. As long as you sound like you know what you're talking about people will follow you for miles.
A beat.
Hamlet: Do you actually know where "here" is?
Receptionist: No. Not really. I just work here.
Hamlet: What do you do?
Receptionist: I take down names. Dates of death. Call names for judgment. That sort of thing.
Hamlet: Sounds fun.
Receptionist: I've been doing it for years. It gets old.
Hamlet: I can imagine.
Receptionist: Speaking of which.. (he opens his book) Name?
Hamlet: Hamlet of Denmark.
Receptionist: Former occupation?
Hamlet: Prince of Denmark.
Receptionist: Date of death?
Hamlet: Today.
Receptionist: Cause?
Hamlet: Poisoned.
Receptionist: Murdered?
Hamlet: Yes.
Receptionist: Possible Mortal Sins?
Hamlet stops. Frowns.
Hamlet: Do you want the short list or the long?
Beat
Receptionist: I see. (He makes a notation) Regretful.
Hamlet: Very.
Receptionist: A long list?
Hamlet: Yes.
Receptionist: (A statement.) There's blood on your hands.
Hamlet: (reflective)Both literal and metaphorical.
Receptionist: Revenge?
Hamlet: Mortal.
Receptionist: Murder?
Hamlet: Most Foul. So why am I here?
Receptionist: To be judged.
Hamlet: Judged?
Receptionist: You know how it works. You die, you get judged, you go. That's it.
Hamlet: Who's the judge?
Receptionist: God, obviously. (Beat) Or somebody. I'm not really sure.
Hamlet (incredulous) You don't know?
Receptionist: Well, they don't tell me everything.
Hamlet: But You work here.
Receptionist: Just part time. Usually, I just write.
Hamlet: How long do I have to wait?
Receptionist: Well, we have a lot of customers here.
He gestures to the others. They all nod in greeting. All but Ophelia, who stays still.
Others (in unison): Hello.
Hamlet (Uncomfortably): Hello.
Lear:So, New here?
Cleopatra: Well, obviously he's new here.
Romeo: How'd you kick it?
Brutus: Don't be rude!
Romeo: How is it rude?
Juliet: It's a perfectly normal question. We all got here somehow
Brutus: I suppose.
Romeo: So, how did you die?
Hamlet: Stabbed. With a poison sword.
Juliet: Yeesh.
Othello: Not pretty, I take it.
Brutus: Not a nice way to go.
Cleopatra: You had it easy. I committed suicide by snake bite.
Othello: We know. You never stop bitching about it. You think you're the only one who's here by choice? I stabbed myself.
Romeo: Took poison.
Brutus: Ran on my own sword.
Juliet: Stabbed myself, too.
Lear: Went mad. Died of heart attack.
Cleopatra: Oh shut up. You had it easy. One quick squeeze in the cheast and it's all over. Mine was long and drawn out.
They begin to argue. The dialogue begins to overlap and gets faster.
Lear: It wasn't all that pleasant, you know. I had to go through more than anyone else here.
Othello: That's bullshit! I was tricked into killing my own wife!
Brutus: Big deal! You want hard, try having to kill your own best friend!
Cleopatra: Who was my lover! And you killed him!
Brutus: Oh shut up, you Egyptian Slut!
Receptionist: Hey, guys, stop.
Brutus: (overlapping)Everyone was your lover! You even slept with your eunuch!
Cleopatra: That's a dirty lie!
Three Separate arguments Begin between Brutus and Cleopatra, Othello and Lear and Romeo and Juliet. Dialogue overlaps and is fast and furious
Juliet: Wait-What's a eunuch?
Brutus (Mockingly): How do you have sex with a eunuch?
Romeo: I'll tell you when you're older, darling.
Cleopatra: It didn't happen!
Juliet: Stop patronizing me!
Romeo: I wasn't!
Brutus: Of course it did. We all knew it.
Juliet: Yes you were! I'm only three years younger than you!
Receptionist: Come on, guys, stop.
Cleopatra: I never slept with him! Alexas was like a brother too me!
Romeo: Julie, come on.
Lear: (To Othello) I still say I suffered the most!
Juliet: No!
Brutus: You slept with your brother!
Cleopatra: He was the King! I had too!
Receptionist: Please, Stop it!
Othello: Listen here, old man, you caused your own problems!
Romeo: Well, I'm sorry.
Lear: And You didn't? You were tricked into killing your own wife.
Brutus: Face it, you're a nymphomanic!
Othello: THAT WASN'T MY FAULT!
Juliet: No you aren't.
Receptionist: Stop it!
Cleopatra: I hate you so fucking much, you...you Murderer!
Romeo: Alright, I'm Not!
Brutus: Who are you calling a murderer, you whore!
Lear: Of course it was!
Cleopatra: ROMAN BASTARD!
Othello: Now you listen here, old man!
Brutus: AFRICAN BITCH!
Receptionist: That's enough!
Othello (overhearing Brutus's last remark): Hey!
Juliet: I can't believe I killed myself for you!
Romeo: I'm starting to feel the same way!
Brutus: Oh, you keep out of this!
Juliet: Hah! After all that talk, you're having second thoughts! Well it's too late now! We're married and we're dead!
Receptionist: Ladies and Gentleman, please!
There is no response. The cacophony grows. Words and who's fighting who become indistinguishable. Ophelia, trapped in the middle, covers her ears. It grows to a fever pitch, then:
BONG!
A gong sounds. Reverberates. Stills. All the heads snap up. Hamlet looks bewildered. Silence.
Hamlet: What is that?
Receptionist:(slightly in awe.)It's time.
Hamlet: Time?
Receptionist: To be judged. (He consults his book.) Lear?
Lear looks up.
Receptionist: It's time.
Lear rises silently and walks slowly to the side door.
Juliet (Quietly): Good luck, Lear.
Othello: Good luck.
Cleopatra: Don't be afraid. I'm sure you'll get in.
Brutus: Goodbye.
Romeo:Good luck.
Lear Approaches the side door. A silence.
Receptionist:Are you ready?
Lear: No. Not really.
Receptionist: Good. Then you're not insane.
He Opens the door. Immediately, a bright light issues forth from it, accompanied by a burst of music,the requiredheavenly chorus. The light blazes, blinding the characters and the audience. Lear walks through the door. The Receptionist, hand across his eyes, slams it shut. The Light and music cease. Silence. Romeo and Juliet turn to each other.
Both: (Simultaneously, meaning it.) I'm sorry. (Beat) I am too.
They kiss. A frosty silence has settled between Brutus and Cleopatra, and Othello is left with his own thoughts. The same oppressive silence we started with. Hamlet has seen all of this. He looks completely baffled.
Hamlet (To himself.): I am amazed, and know not what to say.
Beat.
Receptionist: (To Hamlet) Won't you sit down?
He sits. And notices Ophelia. He stares at her in disbelief. She refuses to look at him. This is very, very awkward.
Hamlet: Err. Hello Ophelia.
Ophelia: (Takes a while to respond.): Hello Hamlet.
A beat.
Hamlet: So how have you been?
Ophelia: (Bitter.) Not too well. Going insane and drowning isn't exactly fun.
Hamlet(Uncomfortable) Yeah. I can imagine.
Ophelia: You made it up here quickly.
Hamlet: We both did.
Ophelia: Yes.
Silence. The others have begun to notice what is going on. There are whispers: "What's going on?" "Who is he?" "Do they know each other?", etc.
Ophelia: What happened?
Hamlet: I fought a duel. Your brother used a poisoned sword.
Ophelia (In disbelief): Laertes? You're kidding.
Hamlet: No. It was over you, actually.
Ophelia:I assumed. I didn't know he was back from France.
Hamlet: He came for me.
Ophelia: (a statement.): Because of dad.
Hamlet: Yes. And then...
Ophelia: I happened.
Hamlet nods.
Ophelia: Well, Good for him.
Hamlet is silent. He knows he deserved that. She finally looks at him.
Ophelia: You know I tried not to blame you. You didn't know what you were doing, it was obvious you were (she shrugs) insane or demented or something. But then I realized…you weren't.
Hamlet: (Deeply ashamed) No.
Ophelia: I was. (She lets him stew in that) It wasn't pleasant.
Hamlet: I'm sorry.
Ophelia: I know. It's not enough.
Hamlet sighs.
Hamlet: What do you want, Ophelia?
Ophelia: (Bitter) What do I want? How about a reason?
Hamlet: A reason?
Ophelia: For everything. Everything. The late night visits where you scared the shit out of me. The mocking love notes you denied sending. The gifts you said didn't give me. That play you put on. (she swallows, reliving unpleasant memories) The screaming. The make-believe. That scene you put me through in the hallway, where you told me to go to a nunnery. And…and the murder. The murder, Hamlet. The whole act. Why? For the love of god, Hamlet, why did you put us through all that? Why did you put me through all that?
The others are all watching. Beat.
Hamlet: (calmly. But ashamed.) Because I had to kill my Uncle.
Ophelia's jaw drops. She can't believe it. Gives a little half laugh.
Ophelia: No. You didn't just say that.
Hamlet: It's the truth.
Ophelia: You put the whole court through a wringer, put everyone who loved you in pain, drove MEinto madness, All because you couldn't wit around a few years for the old man to die?
Hamlet (Angry.): It's not that simple, Ophelia!
Ophelia: I'm sure it's not!
Hamlet: He killed my father! I had to avenge him, make him pay, something!
Ophelia (Now yelling): Well it was a highly effective way to do it!
Hamlet: It didn't exactly work out the way I planned!
Ophelia: Oh, really?
Hamlet: I Fucked up! I made mistakes!
Ophelia:(Quiet but deadly): Like when you killed my father? (That freezes him in his tracks) Or when you humiliated me in front of the entire court?Or when you threw me to the ground and called me a whore? You did so much to me, Hamlet. So much to yourself. So much to us. And you can sit there and say that those were all mistakes? That you didn't mean it? And that I should forgive you? Is that what you're saying?
One massive, long, agonizing beat.
Hamlet (Softly): No.
Ophelia: Then what do you want from me?
Hamlet (after another pause.): I don't know.
Ophelia looks at him.
Ophelia: (A sigh.) Huh.
She walks to the other side of the room. He collapses against the wall. She sits on the floor, her back to him.
Hamlet: (Meaning it.) I did love you once.
A beat.
Ophelia (Her voice breaking.): Indeed, my lord, you made me so believe.
Silence. The others look at them. Fade to black.
Notes:
I should explain Something. Hamlet tells Ophelia to "get thee to a nunnery", which meant a whorehouse. So he is, basically, calling her a whore, as she says about ten lines above.
Okay, reviewer poll time: Should I let this stand as a one-shot or turn it into a two-parter. I have a conclusion mulling in my head somewhere, but I don't know If the piece needs it. If enough people want part two, I'll post it.