Did she ever believe the tears would end, she wonders, staring at the pale face and red, puffy eyes in the mirror. There would be more tears to come, she knew, but the first wave of her grief had crashed over her like a tidal wave, her entire family, her entire world destroyed in seconds.
Did she ever believe they would leave her? No, for all she pushed them away, she thought they'd always be there for her, somehow. That there was time to tell them that she was wrong, that she missed them, missed Narnia, missed Him. She thought there'd be a second chance. Now they were gone, and they died believing her to be – other. Unknown. Changed.
Did she ever believe that this world would be enough? That the lipsticks and nylons and parties could possibly be enough after the jewelled dresses, crown, and balls of Narnia?
Did she ever believe that they didn't see through her lie? "That silly game!" she'd trill, as if she were one of those empty-headed girls interested only in finding a husband, when once she could pick and choose which suitors she would or would not accept. She could have had any man she wanted (lest he fell under her sister's spell instead, but she held no jealousy for Lucy in that; in fact, she rejoiced that Lucy was so beloved, because Lucy deserved all the adoration you could lavish on her).
Did she ever believe that they could believe her lie so easily? Think her so changed and shallow? Yet Lucy had known, she thought; had asked her to come, and if she had, if only she had, she would be with them now, and wouldn't that be better?
Did she ever believe that life was always preferable to death? Perhaps once she did, but that was when she had something to live for. Now they were gone, and the world had fallen silent.
Did she ever believe that she would be so truly, utterly alone, with nobody to call on but herself?
Nay, Dear Heart, purred a voice within her, kindling something inside and bringing fresh tears to her eyes. You are not alone. You are never alone.
She believed.