DISCLAIMER: I do not own Free!
Author's note: 25 lives from Nagisa's point of view.
Part of the: "25 Lives" series based on 25 Lives by Tongari.
1.
The very first time I remember you, you are blonde and don't love me back.
Nagisa doesn't remember how he woke up in this place, but his first thoughts are of Rei, and the storm, and the fingers slipping out of his grasp. But he isn't Nagisa, and yet he remembers Nagisa. Remembers being short and blonde and male, but as he twirls a lock in front of his face, he accepts the fact that it may not be so. In this life - if such things existed - he was female, and tall, and the floor looked further away than it used to and it nearly scares her as much as the situation that she had fallen into.
Across from her sits a man so close to her Rei, with those honest eyes, and overwhelming sense of precision, and Nagisa can feel it so far deep in her that this was her Rei and it was almost stifling that she couldn't touch him, just to check if this was real, or if they were still on that beach. Still at that camp and maybe they hadn't even had to go after Rei. Maybe he was still in the tent.
Closing her eyes and opening them once more, the image in front doesn't change. There is no longer a shock of dark hair, but it resembled a colour closer to Nagisa's own once upon a time. She decides it doesn't suit him in the slightest, and listens to him prattle onwards about the deal.
Nagisa smiles gently as Rei (no, it's another life, another name), is flushed and proud of his work, and doesn't remember her.
2.
The next time you are brunette, and you do.
Stretching, Nagisa popped and cracked several joints, ignoring the stares from surrounding classmates as he did so. Sitting in a cramped classroom for hours on end made him miss Iwatobi something fierce, and wistfully he wonders if Rei will appear in this life.
Class finishes later than expected, and it's the usual thrum of students charging to go home. Nagisa falls in step with the crowd until he reaches his locker, ignoring the elbows to the back and the screams of fellow students.
However there's a person by his shoulder who's frowning into their own locker and Nagisa looks for a mere moment and there you are.
He wants to laugh about them having swapped genders again, but this girl is staring up at him with those eyes that he loved so much, a truer shade than he had seen other times, although the hair is a little different but that doesn't matter.
It's a confession Nagisa had never had the chance of giving, and he melts as this girl is so pointed in her arguments about why she likes him and he can't stop wrapping his arms around her. It's not his Rei, as there is soft skin where there was once hard muscle, but he's gotten to the point where he'll take what he can get.
And any Rei loving him back is fine by him.
3.
After a while I give up trying to guess if the colour of your hair means anything.
Nagisa's pushing 70 these days, and goes through these lives with as much of an optimistic view as he can manage. How else is he supposed to make it through? He's been male, female, a cat, a dog, a mouse. He's flown above the trees and swum through oceans people only dream of.
He's written pages upon pages of his theories, of how he had entered these lives, to the point where he once signed a paper as Rei, and a longing sigh had left him.
A theory once, that used to hold strong, was how he found Rei. Gender had factored in, amongst other small things such as age, height, smile.
Nagisa once thought the colour of Rei's hair used to mean something. Blonde for loving someone else, brunette for loving him, red for anger and hatred. And if he managed to find him how he remembered him exactly … it was surreal.
But across from him sits Rei, with a shock of hair that colour doesn't even matter anymore, and Nagisa wants to feel like the world falls out beneath him. He doesn't have something to grasp onto that makes him believe he knows how this thing works.
Rei grips his hand in response, a smile on his lips, and says something cheesy and it has Nagisa laugh. The only thing keeping him sane is lives like these.
4.
because even if you don't exist, I am always in love with you.
Nagisa has always wondered what it would be like, to be a butterfly that Rei had looked so lovingly upon. To be able to land on the boy, have him tense beneath his feet, not moving, holding his breath so as to not scare Nagisa away. Once, Nagisa had a dream of something like that, and it was beautiful.
He realises it's not much of a life if Rei isn't here to admire him.
5.
I remember most fondly those lifetimes where we get to grow up together,
It had always been another kind of dream for Nagisa to grow up with Rei. To see him, to be by him, when Rei needed company the most. And it seems like fate had once again decided to be kind, as Nagisa yells to his mother he's going to visit Rei, and merely walks two houses down.
Nagisa is used to being small. Of things being far taller than him (but it was inspiring, that one day, he'd be able to reach the top), and he wonders if Rei, who was walking a life like these, would feel something at being so small. Of only reaching Nagisa's thigh.
The boy bubbles up at him and Nagisa crouches down, ruffling Rei's hair and laughing when Rei has a feeble attempt at swatting him away. He's never really been good at deflecting Nagisa's affections, but then again when had he ever been?
Around them, the wind kicks up a notch and throws leaves around them, and Nagisa would have laughed, once, about being in a shoujo, but he's twelve and Rei is only six, and Rei wouldn't know what it would ever feel like being in a shoujo manga with him because Nagisa knew, deep down, that Rei would never love him the way Nagisa loved him.
But he pulls a leaf free of Rei's hair, unable to stop himself from letting go, and grins again when Rei huffs and puffs and tries to push him away. He'll survive another life as long as he gets to be near Rei.
6.
when you share your secrets and sorrows and hiding places with me.
He's always been told that it's easier telling everything to the perfect stranger, and as he sits beside Rei at the bar (thighs brushing whenever they move, hands occasionally-accidentally-purposely brushing), and listens, he understands.
Rei in this life must have been what he was like before he'd whisked him into the swim club. Quiet, shy, unsure of real direction in life short of exact calculations and a lack of heart. There is no motivation in this Rei, for anything, Nagisa notices, but he finds he doesn't mind.
He's happy to just listen to things his Rei may never have told him.
It becomes a weekly thing before he realises. Same bar, same chairs, same drinks. Same strangers. They never meet outside the few hours listening to Rei, and never touch short of Nagisa sort of accidentally leaning over and shifting a lot. And whilst it kills Nagisa that he can't hold this Rei close, can't tell him everything will be alright, he's surprisingly fine with it.
Maybe he's finally starting to lose it, but Nagisa smiles at their little end of the bar, where a man with a mop of dark hair and cherry red glasses sits, and thinks this is their little secret in this fucked up scenario, and he'll live through it once more.
7.
I love how you play along with my bad ideas,
This is dangerous, Nagisa thinks, alarmed, when Rei's lips trail down his thighs. Very dangerous.
It'd been a dumb idea. A dumb, teenage idea that came along when Nagisa realised he could try all the things he wouldn't dare in whatever lifetime he came from. And he'd grinned at Rei, who'd blinked behind wide frames and flushed a colour that was beautiful.
They'd snuck into the adult store, giggling like the high school girls they were, and were far too embarrassed when purchasing the thing to even look the cashier in the eye. But Nagisa happily flashed ID - which may or may not have been illegal -, and given the poor boy a wink upon leaving, having Rei shriek her name (it wasn't her name, it was someone else's, but that's okay).
Vibrations run over Nagisa's ankle and she jumps a good six feet in the air by the time Rei had it up by her knee. It's just raw sounds and slick movements and Nagisa wants to weep from finally being here like this with Rei, with the occasional click of teeth and too much tongue and curious hands.
It's a messy and dangerous situation and Nagisa falls back on the pillows, glowing pink and exuding happiness, when Rei crawls up and over her, lips dragging up and where did she learn to do that? The rest is a blur as they roll over the sheets and there's lips and teeth and skin.
Nagisa is of course apologetic when they get found out later and takes full blame for purchasing something illegally, but sends Rei a knowing glance which has the girl spluttering and Nagisa knows she's lived through enough lives to deserve that satisfaction.
8.
before you grow up and realize they are bad ideas.
His head breaks through the water and he lets out a scream. The water is choppy and cruel, pushing him down - it wasn't like this last time, he thinks - and there isn't time for him to make it back to shore. This was a dumb idea on his behalf. And he knew that, somewhere, deep down, that this life had been too good to be true. He should have never suggested a quick dip, no matter how much he wanted it.
He's cold and tired, and Nagisa definitely believes he's going to lose his dick if he makes it out alive which he will trade that and his life for when something solid slams into him and pushes him back under. Gripping onto the thing and using it as a support, hands find solid, known muscle and a different kind of cold runs through Nagisa in that instant.
Blinking through the water, Nagisa sobs, inhaling so much water he doesn't care anymore. Rei's calm face merely stares back, cold and pale and lifeless.
9.
(And in our times together I have many bad ideas.)
Nagisa throws a ball against the wall, catching it and repeating the motion over and over. He's bored and tired and wants to go home. But Rei needed to check some homework apparently and promised him shortcake in return for waiting.
So he sits and thinks to himself idly what he'd rather be doing.
And Nagisa knows what he'd rather be doing. Who he'd rather be doing.
This isn't his Rei. His Rei was kind and fair and he was his. This Rei, or so who he claimed to be, was a cruel person. But Nagisa was losing his touch, half of him wanted to say, as he couldn't feel Rei anymore. Couldn't tell if it was them, deep down, or not.
Sometimes he believed he would brush that Rei in the one in this life, a moment where he could almost pull him free, but it was never like that in the end.
Nagisa bounced the ball once more. His thoughts trailed down a dark and lonely path of sexual frustration. How many lives had it been since he'd rolled in the sheets with Rei? And, later, he'd laugh to himself he never had the opportunity to in whatever life he first came from. But he'd finally been able to and it dredged up other kinds of feelings within him.
He would admit to considering taking Rei when they drank at that bar, when he stumbled into him and told him he loved him. When they were seven years apart and Rei looked up at him and called him "big brother". When they were girls and Rei had that moment of weakness. There were many times when Nagisa nearly fell over and submitted to baser needs. Bad ideas.
So many bad ideas twirled around in his head, that he missed the sound of the door opening and Rei's sharp "Nagisa."
Nagisa idly wondered what sound this Rei would make tied to his bed and left to beg for hours on end.
10.
When we meet as adults you're always much more discerning. I don't blame you.
Nagisa is visited by someone he didn't expect to see in this life. Nitori is alongside him, taller than he used to be, but a friendly face no less. They are older, far older than they once were, and Nitori and Nagisa meet for coffee every Wednesday morning before work.
They don't talk so much as just drink their coffee and eat small cakes and Nagisa wonders if Nitori is looking for someone too. But he doesn't know how to bring it up, nor who it might be, as he had only seen the other boy in passing those few times Rin had stormed into their life, but Nagisa insists on keeping idle thoughts to himself. Perfect stranger or no, he didn't want to be branded as crazy.
So he flips through his paper once more, eyes raking for any signs of crop circles or some other explanation, when Nitori calls his name (he's beginning to lose track of all the names but assumes it's him). Nagisa looks up, to see another person beside their table, and realises Nitori's making another order.
Looking up to rattle off for another shortcake - this bakery had the best he's had in a long time - his heart does that stupid stop then start thing and he can feel the heat build in his cheeks and oh, he found him.
Rei is almost exactly the way he used to be, but his hairs a little longer and his glasses a little thinner. But it's him when he pushes them up with that little smile of his and Nagisa feels like a fat old pervert for imagining bending Rei over then and there.
Rei shoots him a glance suggesting he's waiting for an order, even though he's happily chatting to Nitori, and Nagisa wonders how much he can order so he can stay here for the rest of the day. Turns out it's not much as Rei finishes work when they have to leave, and for some reason he's walking side by side with him to the station and he's too old to be feeling like a little girl, even though Rei is still pretty cautious.
Nagisa doesn't blame him. Nagisa is a fourty-three year old man with a wife and two kids, and Rei is at the tender age of nineteen when he kisses him anyway.
11.
Yet, always, you forgive me.
It's something out of a fairytale, and Nagisa can't help but run webbed fingers over gills and slimy skin and a tail again and again to let himself know this is real. It's a surreal feeling to be forever surrounded by water, and Nagisa wants to believe it's a dream but isn't too sure.
He floats idly through the water, never breaking the water as he stares up at the sun from beneath. He wonders what it would be like to leave, and supposes he'd choke and die before he knew.
Nagisa knows Haruka would have probably been more appreciative of this sort of thing, but Nagisa just wants Rei and he peeks up over the surface to have a look. Only his eyes and seaweed hair are visible, blending in so well with the untouched area, that he can peer over at the adventurers who had made camp near the bank.
There is his Rei, mumbling to himself about the salinity of the water and rainfall and all other types of stuff Nagisa wouldn't have thought Rei would be interested in. He swims closer, until he's a few metres from Rei's feet.
Rei seems him and smiles. It's been a long while since Rei had thought he was dreaming, too, and accepted this reality far faster that Nagisa first had.
Maybe he also accepts his inevitable fate, as Nagisa drags Rei further and further into the water. Nagisa sees the look on Rei's face and wonders why he was forgiven.
12.
As if you understand what's going on, and you're making up for
It's third year and Nagisa dragged Rei to a party against his wishes but that's alright. All of this was against Nagisa's wishes in the first place. They are themselves, although Nagisa's gotten taller and they've both filled out from training, and alcohol is flowing through their systems when they trip into the bedroom.
Nagisa doesn't know how long it's been since they've had sex but he's kind of figured he should stop counting when Rei's lips wrap around his cock and suck. The rest is kind of a blur but he's on his back and Rei's fingers are up his ass and he clenches when fingers press along his prostate.
It's slightly painful because they forgot lube and spit just doesn't cut it, and Rei almost starts babbling about a condom, but Nagisa just rolls and slams down, riding Rei like it was the last time. It probably was but that doesn't stop Nagisa. Rei's long gone and sobbing and then there are two sets of hands on Nagisa's cock.
It's really gross and Nagisa kind of really doesn't like the feel of cum leaking out his ass (although he's glad it still turns Rei on in this life), but he collapses before they can go again and all he can think and taste and smell is Rei. And it's beautiful.
Maybe Rei understands, because hands run up his back and hold him close and Nagisa's last thought is just how much he missed this.
13.
all the lifetimes in which one of us doesn't exist,
Nagisa stares at the pills in front of him and wonders if it'll work. He's kind of getting tired of continuous lifetimes of no Rei. As if the universe was telling him that for every fuck he has to live at least three without. Nagisa would claim abstinence if it meant he could see Rei once more.
The Haruka of this life plops in the seat beside him, seemingly indifferent towards the different medications, and instead pushes them aside so he can set his sketchbook on the table neatly and flat. Nagisa picks up a lone pencil and scribbles along the border. It was a common occurrence, these past few weeks. Nagisa wonders if Haruka knows that it's going to end soon.
Nagisa sketches Rei's face as he remembered it, and Haruka stills to watch. He's never had as much talent as Haruka, although it seemed a select group of people appreciated his work, but Haruka quickly takes over the sketch, drawing from it something that knocks the breath right of Nagisa.
He watches as under Haruka's pencil comes Rei, breaking through the water. He wonders if Haruka is his Haruka, and remembers and knows, but doesn't ask when Haruka wordlessly hands him the sketch.
"Another day."
Nagisa smiles and breathes out. "Another day."
Rei might not exist in this life, but at least Nagisa can recreate him, so that he can last another day.
14.
and the ones where we just, barely, never meet.
Nagisa wonders if Rei looked back as they passed by each other. Wonders if he stood out enough for Rei to notice. Because, Nagisa turned and looked and watched, until that mass of hair disappeared into the crowd and was lost forever.
He ends up in a public bathroom, gripping the sink as he cries and cries, thinking of Rei and what he missed again.
15.
I hate those. I prefer the ones in which you kill me.
Nagisa can't help the small smile that stretches over his face. He falls to his knees, eyes never wavering from Rei's own, blind gunshots hit him again and again.
He hates the lives without Rei, but hates the ones of passing by without a second glance. Of Rei never loving him and falling into the arms of another. Those, where he is stuck with reminders and no way of contact, kill him more than twelve bullet wounds.
The cold metal of the barrel presses against the middle of his forehead, and Rei's name dies on Nagisa's lips. He'd prefer Rei finished him off than never loved him anyway.
16.
But when all's said and done, I'd surrender to you in other ways.
He weakly cries out Rei's name (it's never Rei, of course, always something else, but it's Rei somewhere deep inside), as fingers slide over the soft skin of his thighs. He's not quite sure what this life really is. Then again, Nagisa has never been fully sure any other time.
Rei is his teacher, but he isn't. He's got some fancy title and a fancy office on campus, completely soundproof for all of Rei's dirty needs. Somewhere along the line, this is wrong, but Nagisa grips Rei's shoulders and throws his head back.
He's seen enough to know that this should be wrong. Was Rei always into people younger than him? Is that why he never looked twice at Nagisa in the first life?
In another time, he might have snickered over Rei being the old dirty pervert, but he can't now, not when fingers wrap around his length and any reason leaves him.
Tears leak from his eyes as he's bent over the desk and Rei sinks into him. This isn't his Rei, but that voice, that scent, those eyes … he recognises them all and surrenders himself to this Rei, because it is as close as he will get to his.
17.
Even though each time, I know I'll see you again, I always wonder
A part of Nagisa knows that in some way, Rei will take a form in these lives, even if he doesn't remember anything. Like now, for instance, when he's a member of a circus, who's pulling him into the ring with a few other people, for one of the final acts. There was no recognition in his eyes, but Rei chose him, out of all over people. It had to count for something.
It's calloused skin, and dry heat, and when Rei releases his wrist there is a faint layer of powder remaining. Nagisa doesn't have the heart to brush it off. He merely smiles at Rei, almost wearily, as they get ready.
After the show, they are brought backstage and thanked for their participation. Nagisa eyes Rei from across the room, as he warms down with careful stretches and perfect angles. Rei must have felt him watching, as he manages to catch Nagisa's eye.
Nagisa wonders if he knows, but he turns and leaves without a backward glance.
18.
is this the last time?
Their arms swing between them, fingers entwined. Nagisa knew that he had earned this moment. To be able to walk with Rei in the winter, without so much as a care in the world. Although some things were once again different - Nagisa was female once more, not that she was inclined to care these days - Rei was Rei, with those same eyes with that almost purple hue, and a shock of dark hair. Nagisa wondered how long it had been since she had seen Rei look like hers, and decided she didn't care.
Once again she raised their hands, and laughed when Rei gave her an exaggerated sigh, but submitted to her childish whims once more. There was a smile on his lips that had her completely stricken, and pressing up against him, ignoring his protests of being in public, kissed him gently, lovingly, simply.
A high pitched squeal of "gross!" had them separate in time to see their son pretending to gag. Nagisa merely picked the boy up in her arms and twirled him around, peppering his rosy cheeks with kisses abound.
Nagisa let her son squirm out of her arms and run off once more, Rei chasing after and mentioning something about safety, and she just looked on happily. She didn't want to leave this life.
19.
Is that really you?
Nagisa didn't know such a thing was possible. Didn't know fate could have such a warped sense of humour to put him here (then again, he drowned and was thrown into this madness in the first place).
Staring over the kitchen bench, Nagisa absentmindedly twirls a pen in his hand as he watches his father wander around the kitchen, picking up things and putting them down again, searching and grumbling and stressing. Maybe, if this were different, Nagisa would laugh at seeing Rei like this.
But he could not, for the life of him, draw up a note of laughter, not after eyeing the wedding band on Rei's finger and see the photos decorating the walls of their house. His mother married Rei. Not him. Oh no, it's never him.
It was a whirlwind marriage, from what Nagisa remembered. One minute he had caught sight of Rei through a window, next minute he was attending his mother's wedding. He had cried and screamed on his own the next day.
But Nagisa merely watches now, as Rei looks back from the corner of his eye. Nagisa tries to convince himself it's not really Rei, but wonders if it really is.
20.
And what if you're perfectly happy
He never managed to meet Rei in this life. He's eighty-six years old and on life support. It's a hard, lonely life he has lived, as he searched and searched, for days on end.
Nagisa wonders if Rei is happy, if he has found someone to love who loves him back with greater intensity. If he made a family. If he had a home.
Head rolling to the side, as his final breaths leave him, Nagisa sees a little blue bird sitting at his window, and he merely whispers:
"Rei."
21.
without me?
A life, when he is twenty-two and experiencing the world, has always been Nagisa's favoured life. It's a simpler life, as he's not always alone. He's woken up alongside Makoto, Haruka, Gou and even Chigusa at one stage. Those lives, whilst with or without Rei, were bearable. He could enjoy himself in them.
But when he's twenty-two and in college, stressing over exams, he takes back those words. Takes them back as far as he can, and curses the number twenty-two.
Rei is in this life, and he's young and stupid and Nagisa pines over him from the sidelines. He thought he was immune to being ignored but who was he kidding? He will never be able to survive without Rei looking his way.
No, Rei in this life has another, if Nagisa still retained his sense of humour he would have rolled around with laughter. Who would have picked him walking into the cafeteria one day, hand in hand with the captain of Samezuka swim team?
Rei avoids Nagisa's eyes as Seijuurou grins happily, waving her left hand about and Nagisa knows without looking. Whilst everyone in the vicinity congratulates the happy couple, Nagisa slinks off.
At least he's happy, Nagisa thinks, and disappears for good.
22.
Ah, but I don't blame you; I'll never burn as brilliantly as you. It's only fair
Nagisa is seventeen and cries more than he should. He buries himself in his art and finds a friend in Haruka once more. He's quiet in this life and he doesn't know if it's of his own free will. But he's relatively happy, for once. It's a weird feeling, being at peace. Like he knows this will be the end, soon enough.
At the back of the library, where he and Haruka have claimed the oversized chairs, Nagisa sits, staring out the nearest window, facing the old swimming pool. He feels no need to take a dip, as his love for the water has severely decreased over these last few lives.
But he watches the club (and spies Makoto amongst them, in another form of course), and watches the way they move out, and begin training, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Nagisa smiles to himself, as he spies a familiar person amongst the crowd, leading them to the starting blocks. If he was feeling poetic, he could go on and on about how the water shines on his skin and how good he looks wet, but he doesn't. He merely turns back to the sketch book in front of him and continues drawing the same face over and over.
In this life, Nagisa is seventeen, and he will never be able to live up to Rei.
23.
that I should be the one
There are gunshots and loud bangs, and Nagisa didn't know how he ended up in this life. He'd never entered into anything so violent, and it scared him more than being told to shoot the enemy until they were thoroughly deceased.
He wants to cry, and wonders if he can get his way out of this life too. But if it weren't for Rei, beside him and looking as grim as ever, he'd have painted the wall with his brains by now.
Rei is the picture of stoicism, gun poised and ready, as they wait for their signal. They've lost half their team by now, they are the only two left. Nagisa's gut is telling him that something bad is going to happen if they move from the wall, but he loses his voice when Rei goes to move.
It happens in an instant, and Nagisa can only blindly grip Rei's arm and pull him back. He'd lost Rei to illness, to the water. But he'd never seen him spill a drop of blood before. Only he, Nagisa, has spilt blood for Rei. Never the other way around.
Nagisa was frozen, and Rei was barking orders but the words died on his lips as blood bubbled instead. Nagisa couldn't help the tears, as he pressed down on the wounds and tried to keep Rei focusing on him, but it was far too late and they both knew it.
Rei lifted one hand, and pressed it against Nagisa's cheek lightly. Nagisa caught it there, and held it close. "No, please …"
There's an attempt at laughter that sprays red all over Nagisa's front, and he's crying and he doesn't care. Rei is mouthing something and Nagisa wants to believe it's his name. It probably isn't. Rei in this life was a military nut and is probably telling him to retreat. But he can't even speak and he's gone. Nagisa closes his eyes and wails.
24.
to chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes
"I've been having dreams," Rei starts, one afternoon as they're huddled under a bus shelter whilst rain pours down around them.
Nagisa looks up at Rei, eyebrows furrowing. Rei refuses to meet his gaze, and instead continues to stare out over the street, fidgeting at the sudden pressure. Nagisa looks away after smiling softly, following Rei's gaze outwards.
"What of?"
"Water. I always feel like … I'm suffocating."
Rei finally meets Nagisa front on, and there's a tremor that runs through him that makes Nagisa yearn to hold him, to tell him he's safe and sound, and he will always be.
So he smiles gently instead, and pats Rei on the back, hard enough to knock him out of the covering and into the pouring rain. Nagisa laughs as Rei stumbles back under the shelter, grumbling about being soaked.
"Maybe you're just nervous. You're big break is coming up soon, you know." It's a simple suggestion, and it manages to quell some of that fear burning in Rei's eyes.
They fall quiet as the rain pounds on, and as the bus finally rolls up beside them, Rei voices something that would have made Nagisa jump in despair.
"Do you think they're memories of how I died?"
When they are seated on the bus, and it's stuffy and Nagisa just wants to get out, he turns to Rei and smiles. Calls him an idiot for over thinking such things and tells him to focus on his presentation. If he delved any deeper it would only bring about more questions, so Nagisa let it drop and turned to stare out the window, watching the rain pour and thought back to that day.
25.
until I find the one where you'll return to me.
Nagisa is fifteen once more and he hears his sisters screeching outside the bathroom for him to hurry. He doesn't. Nagisa takes his time and idly wonders what would happen in this life. It begins like the first, or what he assumes was the first, and Nagisa thinks he may have to relive the ocean once more.
He passes by Makoto, as he knew him, in the hallway but doesn't breathe a word. It's not the right time. Haruka is not there either, and nor is Gou. It's tough to keep his mouth clamped when he just wants to scream, but he does it and congratulates himself throughout the rest of the day.
He has yet to see Rei and, without a second thought, he makes a detour to the track and field, but sees no signs of teams training (he doesn't even know what day it is). Nagisa passes through the lockers, trailing a finger across names until he finds Rei.
It's like a routine, searching all the places he'd normally look. Nagisa happily skips class in favour searching all over Iwatobi - well, as far as his student pass can take him, which isn't far at all. It's a growing anxiety that no matter how many times he tells himself it will pass, it never does.
He's skipped through however many lives by this stage and it's the same song and dance, and as Nagisa makes his way home it burns. It a familiar feeling that has him aching all over, and he blindly follows the feeling until it gets stronger still.
His feet carry him to the beach and Nagisa feels fear at seeing the vast, open space. But, after removing his shoes, he carefully makes his way down. Feels the sand under his toes, and wonders why he never noticed how cold it was earlier.
There's a person sitting on the shore, watching the tide flow in and out and Nagisa knows. Their hood may be up and they may be hunched over but Nagisa has never run so fast in his whole life. He catches himself before he flies at them entirely (it's still too early, he has to remind himself, he hasn't met Haruka and Makoto yet).
But he smiles, when the person turns around and there's the face he remembers, truer to itself than any others had ever been.
"Nagisa …"
Rei looks confused, as confused as someone may be as calling someone's name they shouldn't know, but Nagisa laughs and cries happily, the happiest he's been in years and he's only fifteen years old, but he's lived for hundreds more.
"Rei-chan."
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