She watched the water under the bridge go by. It wasn't her first time in this place. It wasn't the first time she had considered this. The rain gave her some relief. At least anyone in the passing cars wouldn't see her tears.
The bridge was her safe place. She could always come here and look over the edge when things got too hard for her. Unconsciously, her hand went to her heart. At times like these, it felt like someone had stabbed her in the chest and left the knife in the wound. Whenever she breathed, it would just cut more. Her appetite was never around either. Yes, she was hungry, but she couldn't actually bring herself to eat. Sometimes she wished she would feel like this more often. If she didn't eat, maybe she could lose the fat on her stomach.
She hated her body. Martial arts for over a year, cutting out foods that were bad, and yet she still managed to gain weight. She hated her body.
She's not smart either. She gets the grades, but she's a fucking blond. Everyone knows she's an idiot. It's fucking genetics. She made the mistake of taking time off school. She screwed everything up because she didn't want to deal with the real world. She wasn't ready.
She has her own problems of course, but she knows that her problems are nothing compared to some in the world. Maybe that's why no one seemed to care. Why should anyone care about the girl who has everything she needs to live?
But she doesn't.
She has nothing. She has parents. They prefer the pets over her. She has clothes. None of them fit right and almost every article she owns is wearing out to the point that they have to be replaced. She has food. The same food she's had for years. Cereal. You can only live so long on a diet that's based on cereal. She has friends… sometimes. Her friends don't have a problem leaving her behind. They've all done it on more than one occasion. Even though, she's fiercely loyal and would never abandon any of them. Some days she wonders why she bothers with people. They all betray you in the end anyway, right?
She can't hold a job to save her life. She's done everything she can to get a job. She does the apps, the gets the interviews, but still nothing. The only jobs she ever gets are thanks to her parents. And she's usually the last person called only because they need another person. She doesn't understand it. She's a good worker. She knows how to be professional and she knows how to separate work from personal life. She's got enough control to do the things that others simply can't. Like telling your best friend and co-worker that the company has decided to let her go for whatever reason. But no job keeps her around. So something must be wrong with her as a person. She must simply be unhireable.
But she could ignore the job. She could find a way to make due. She could deal with most everything else. But she would trade EVERYTHING she has for just one thing. All she ever wanted in this world was someone to love her. She wanted someone to hold her and make her feel like the most important person in the world. She wanted to be someone's treasure. She wanted someone to think she was precious.
But she knew that wouldn't happen. She knew who was precious to her. But, she wasn't precious to him. He cared for her, but he didn't love her. She did love him. The closest she could ever come to that feeling was asking him to lie to her every once in a while. But in the end, that left her feeling so guilty to ask him to do that, that she simply couldn't. She decided he had enough problems without having to deal with her baggage that she simply stopped asking him to come over when she needed him. The part that killed her the most was when she stopped asking him, and he stopped pushing for the answers. It was like he actually stopped caring. She couldn't stand that.
She rested her forehead on the railing. It killed her to think about these things. She was basically driving herself over the edge with just her thoughts alone.
But she had only herself to blame. Something just had to be wrong with her if she could just get cast aside by every single person she knows. Even her own parents. She just wished she could figure out what was wrong with her so she could fix it. She didn't want anyone else to leave her.
College made her go to counseling once. She doesn't trust easily and people don't realize how good of an actress she is. She was able to convince the counselor that she was fine in just one session. She never went back.
She knows she should probably seek out some form of therapy, but she's so afraid of people. Afraid that they'll judge her. Afraid that they'll see who she really is.
She's afraid they'll see her plans to die before she reaches college graduation.
She leaned over the railing and looked down at the water. With the rain falling, the river was moving even quicker tonight. She wondered what would kill her first, the twenty foot drop to the water, or the current in the ice cold water? Would she drown? Would the impact kill her? Would she be in pain when she died?
Those doubts were the only things that kept her from trying. She was already living in pain, she didn't want to die in it too.
She had cut a few times. It hurt. But the relief she felt was just as real as all the stories said. It was temporary, but anything was better than constant pain. All she wanted was piece. She just wanted to not be a worthless piece of shit in this world.
She sniffled. "Everyone would hate me," she whispered. She glanced up at the sky. "Would you at least forgive me?"
She wanted so much to believe in a god. It was just so hard for her after everything she had been through. After everything she had done wrong. She felt there was no way she would ever be allowed in any heaven and they would punish her for everything she did wrong. It only made sense to her. How could anyone forgive her and love her after everything she's done? She wanted to believe in a god. She wanted to be able to know at all times, there was someone who loved her and was watching out for her. But why would God ever forgive her? She was a horrible person, and she knew it.
She cried even harder. She looked over the edge and slowly started to lean forward. A car zoomed by and she jumped up right. After she calmed down, she shook her head. Of course the driver wouldn't see her. She was invisible to the world. Always would be.
With a sigh, she forced herself away from the railing and began walking home in the rain. Not tonight, she decided. She could go on acting a little more. Maybe somewhere along the way, she could find her reason for living. Even she doesn't know why she's still alive sometimes.
Maybe there is a God who loves her and watches over her…
But she knows it's probably just wishful thinking.