Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I mean, really.

Note: CO-WRITTEN BY UNINTENTIONALAUTHOR.

(NOTE WRITTEN BY UNINTENTIONALAUTHOR)

Go look her up- she's in desperate need of reviews.

YEAH. -UA

Hayfever Whale

Dusty sunlight made its way through the single grime-caked window, casting a dullish glow on the Dark Lord's visage.

A hunched, black-cloaked figure sat nearby, his long, beaky nose parting the mop of greasy dark hair that had fallen over his face.

Curled up on the dirt-smeared ground was a thin, tall woman, eyes gleaming abnormally bright with the frightening sheen of madness.

To the left of her sat a regal looking man, his wife, and their son, their pale, pointed features struggling to contain the disgust they felt for the filth that covered their surroundings.

Snape. Bellatrix. The Malfoys.

And, of course, the Dark Lord.

All there in one, tiny, dirty room.

Severus broke the silence.

"If I may speak."

Voldemort responded with a silent nod.

Snape swallowed once, trying to think how to word his next sentence without incurring the wrath of his master.

"One lump, or two, my Lord?"

Voldemort flared his thin, reptilian nostrils, his scarlet eyes flashing with suspicion.

"Two, Severus; you've always known that. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were an imposter."

Severus gulped, silent once again, carefully spooning two lumps of dirty sugar into Voldemort's chipped teacup, filled to the brim with tea which was an unsightly grey in colour.

The Dark Lord had prepared it himself.

Voldemort stirred his beverage slowly with a slightly rusted spoon.

Lucius cleared his throat.

Voldemort turned his head sharply to the left, one nonexistent eyebrow arched.

"My Lord..." He started, unsure. "My Lord, I find the lighting in this room to be insufficient. May I use a Scouring spell on the window to allow more sun to pass through?"

Voldemort was quiet for a few moments.

Then he spoke, in a soft, clipped tone that suggested immense fury.

"You dare suggest my home be unclean?" He asked, daring Lucius to respond.

Draco Malfoy thought quickly to save his father, "Er, no my Lord. My father's age-damaged vision has left him legally blind, that is all. With such an abysmal sense of sight, he requires more light to view your astounding glory, my Lord."

Voldemort retreated into silence, thinking.

"Bellatrix!" He screeched, "A Scouring spell! Clean the window!"

Bellatrix immediately leapt to her feet, brandishing her curved wand at the hovel's single, tiny window.

"SCOURGIFY!" She screamed, as if her intent was to destroy the glass instead of clean it.

Every particle of filth on the window shot off the glass in unison, directly into Bellatrix's face.

She sneezed.

Voldemort - who had been presenting his profile to Lucius - heard the sound- and his eyes widened.

For a fraction of a second, there was calm.

Then he rose from his seat, slashed his wand through the air, and howled with all his terrible might-

"YOU DARE SIDE WITH MALFOY?! THAT WAS AN INTENTIONAL GIBE AT MY HOME'S STATE OF CLEANLINESS, WAS IT NOT?!"

He took a deep breath.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The Killing Curse narrowly missed Bellatrix, smashing through the clean window.

"My Lord! Let us not make any more rash decisions," said Snape, rushing to the table. "Drink some more tea."

Snape picked up the cracked cup with shaking hands, accidentally sloshing it down the front of Voldemort's robes.

To make a long story short- Voldy lost it.

Needless to say, the tea party ended shortly afterward.