"Melissa Crawford, you have exactly ten seconds to get out of that bed before I soak you. We'll miss the train! C'mon! Ten, nine, eight, seven-" "I'm-ouch-up", I groaned, rubbing my back as I lay on the floor. Bloody Marlene McKinnon, too bloody eager to go back to bloody Hogwarts. I know what you're thinking, I say 'bloody' far too much. How bad can going back to my wizarding school really be, you ask? The answer, is very.
"Lissa!", Marlene shouted, poking me in the side with her foot. "Get dressed! I know it's hardly been the best Christmas break, but lying on my bedroom floor all day won't change that!" Oh there was more, I just sort of tuned it out. 'I know it's hardly been the best Christmas break…' Indeed it had not. Everything, everything except Marlene McKinnon, Lily Evans, Alice Prewett, Emmeline Vance and Mary McDonald, was gone. They were literally all I had left, and going back to Hogwarts would only remind me what I'd lost, or rather given up.
20th December 1976
It was only a few days 'til Christmas Day, and I was at home with my family. Sixth year at Hogwarts was very demanding, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I had the five best friends in the entire world, I was Gryffindor Seeker, and I had the best boyfriend one could ask for, Sirius Black. Sirius was perfect- caring and sweet, the perfect gentleman without being overbearing. He was, of course, still his typical arrogant self, but he was always very sweet to me. My friends were delighted for me, although Lily was furious that I insisted we hang out with Sirius and his friends. She had a slight aversion to what she called 'pig-headed, arrogant audacity and the human personification of a marked hatred of school rules', or in other words, Sirius black, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. Remus Lupin, the fourth member of the group, had been deemed tolerable, due to his being Lily's fellow prefect.
I shook my head to clear it of thoughts of my perfect sweet boyfriend and ran into the sitting room where my family was waiting for me to start our traditional Christmas Break Chess Tournament. "Hurry up, Lissa! We wanna start sometime today!" I laughed. "I'm here, DJ, relax."
My parents, Daniel and Melissa Crawford, were both wizards, although of differing blood status. My father was a Pureblood and my mother a Half-blood, making me a Half-blood, of mixed Muggle and Wizarding heritage. My brother Daniel James, DJ to me, named after our father as I was named after our mother, was twenty-one, five years older than my sixteen, and was currently studying to be an Auror. Everyone was constantly telling me that DJ and I looked alike, but I just didn't see it. I was small and slight, with very fair freckled skin, which was just a nicer way of saying near deathly pale. My long, wavy hair was a dark brown and my eyes were a rather startling green, and I had the general look of a fragile baby bird. DJ however, had dirty blond hair, our mother's more sallow skin tone, and pale baby-blue eyes. Apparently we had the same nose, or something equally as waffley.
"Okay, DJ", I said with an evil grin as I sat down at the table with him behind my white pieces, "I'm'a kick your ass!" He snorted, and my parents laughed, but I was deadly serious. DJ had beaten me every year since I'd learned to play at three, and I was determined that this was my year. I would win.
An hour later, I was victorious. "YES!", I screamed, jumping out of my seat, ignoring my family's protests as they covered their ears. I was a very exuberant person, and you'd think they'd be used to it after sixteen years. After several more minutes of loud and hyper celebration on my part, we moved into the dining room for dinner, Mom's delicious chicken casserole.
We ate slowly, talking and laughing as DJ and I told stories about Hogwarts and the Auror Department. I told my parents about Sirius and I for the first time that night. My mom was so happy, telling me that Sirius was "a charming, good-looking young man". My father was slightly less delighted, because he was an Auror who regularly dealt with Sirius' cousins, the Blacks, Lestranges and Malfoys. He eventually came round, however, after my mom's repeated input that I could do a lot worse. I could be going out with Sirius' younger brother, Regulus, a regular future little Death Eater if I'd ever seen one. DJ, who had known since I'd written to him to tell him about our first date two months ago, had finally stopped threatening to rip Sirius apart a week ago, but just in case I didn't press him for his opinion again.
DJ told us about how he and his fellow trainee Auror, Jonathon McKinnon (Marlene's cousin) had blown up their mentor Mad-Eye Moody's desk. Apparently he'd yelled for a solid half-hour about an attempt on his life by the Death Eaters, and had insisted the entire Ministry be put on lock-down for a solid two hours, the exact amount of time it had taken him to find DJ and Jonathon shaking with laughter in a broom closet. "We had to clean his eye twice a day for the next month and a half, but it was totally worth it. Jonathon fainted the first time he picked up the blasted eye though, said he could feel it looking at him. I mean, what did he expect? It's a bloody eye!"
My father, an Auror himself and colleague of Moody's, had tried unsuccessfully to maintain a stern expression, but failed miserably and was soon laughing along with the rest of us. I piped in with tales of the Marauders latest pranks and Lily's reactions to the last five times James had asked her out. "Did she really turn his butt into a pumpkin?", Mom asked, wiping the tears from her eyes and clutching at her ribs. "Oh yeah! Then there was this one time when Sirius turned Flitwick's chair into…"
I trailed off as the sharp pops of people Apparating came from outside. Dad turned to us, face drawn and white. "Wands out, guys. You won't be able to Apparate inside the house with the charm, so you have to get outside, if the house isn't surrounded, that is. Stay behind me." No sooner had he said this than the front door was kicked down. Six masked Death Eaters strode into our house, kicking open the living room door, looking for us. Hiding under the dining room table, my dad raised his finger to his lips, telling us to be quiet.
As the Death Eaters footsteps neared us, Mom and Dad pulled DJ and I into a group hug. "I love you, Danny, Lissa", my dad whispered. "No matter what happens", Mom added. I was sick with dread and fear. The Death Eaters burst into the room, wands raised. DJ was first to react. "STUPIFY!" The jet of red light took out one of our opponents, but revealed our positions. "EXPELLIARMUS!", shouted the remaining Death Eaters. Before we could react, our wands had flown out of our hands and we were being jerked out from under the table with a non-verbal spell.
"Daniel Crawford?", grunted one of the Death Eaters. When he didn't get his answer, he flicked his wand. There was a sharp crack, and Dad was grunting in pain. Unable to get up, I glanced over at him to see him bleeding heavily from a cut above his right eye. "Crawford?", repeated the same voice. This time my dad nodded, struggling to move, but to no avail. They had obviously immobilized us with some sort of hex.
"And this filthy Mudblood, I presume, is your wife?", the same Death Eater asked. "Don't. Call. My. Wife. That", grunted my dad. Then came a thud and a groan, as he was kicked hard in the ribs. "And the lovely little Half-breeds, I presume? Danny and Melissa?", hissed a vaguely familiar and definitely feminine voice. Craning my neck, I got a look at the Death Eater in question. Although the mask obscured her face, her hair was long and wild, the same black as Sirius'. "Bellatrix Black", my brother hissed, voicing my thoughts.
Bellatrix cackled. "Miss me, Danny boy?" She had been in the year above DJ at Hogwarts, a Slytherin to his Gryffindor. From what I'd heard, she had been DJ'S No. 1 enemy, second only to the loathsome Lucius Malfoy. Seems like she'd remembered him, as he had her.
"STOOOPPPPP!", my father screamed for the nth time as Bellatrix Black and who I suspected to be her brother-in-law, Lucius Malfoy, used the Cruciatus Curse on him again. Two of DJ's great schoolboy enemies and my dad's most sought after criminals were torturing us all, one after the other. They had tortured my mother first, and she had borne it with only the occasional yelp of agony. My dad, however, was on his tenth round of the curse and was beginning to break. He had long passed the limit of the pain any human being could stand. My mother whimpered softly, and my entire body shook with sobs of sympathy for my father fear for myself.
Finally Lucius and Bellatrix dropped their wands and released my father from the curse. For the briefest of moments, we almost breathed a collective sigh of relief, thinking that it would that they would just kill us, that it would be over now. Then another two Death Eaters stepped forward to stand over me as Lucius and Bellatrix stood by DJ. "Please", begged my mother desperately. "Not the children. Please, please, leave my children alone!"
My mother begged in vain. "CRUCIO", the Death Eaters shouted, shooting the ice-blue jets at DJ and me. The pain was instant and unbearable, like a white-hot fire burning on every inch of my body as I was simultaneously stabbed with a thousand flaming needles. I screamed until my throat was bloody and raw, my screams mingling with those of my brother and the cries of my mother, and still they did not stop. The torture went on for what seemed like a lifetime until finally, the burning ceased and my bruised body hit the ground with a thud that knocked the breath out of me. DJ fell next to me, his head hitting the ground with a sickening crack that somehow failed to knock him out.
Craning my neck against the pain, I saw my brother's white, clenched face, slick with sweat. As I watched, Bellatrix Black drew back her boot and kicked him hard in the ribs, eliciting only a pained grunt. "Had enough yet, Danny boy? Maybe we should have another go at your sister or your parents? I certainly think dear little mommy could take another round, don't you? Well, Danny boy? What do you think? C'mon, don't be shy!"
"Fuck. You", grunted DJ, closing his pale blue eyes tightly against the pain. "That's what I was afraid of, Danny boy. Maybe your sister will get it right. CRUCIO!" The pain washed over me again, I was being stabbed with a thousand white-hot knives, I was drowning in molten lava. "NO, NO, STOP IT!", yelled DJ desperately. For a solid five minutes, they did not stop. When they did, I was in so much pain that I was in danger of blacking out.
My mother, probably half-dead like my father, had long stopped crying for us, her body simply unable to take it, she and my dad had blacked out and lay unconscious on the floor in a pool of blood that was spreading towards me. My body was wracked with pain as I cried for my family and myself. "Well, Melissa? Do you think mommy and daddy could go another round?" She kicked me hard in the side as she taunted me, but apart from a small moan I refused to answer.
"Very well then." DJ and I lay on the floor, immobile, as the dread built up inside of us. Finally, the Death Eaters cast their final spells. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" Jets of green light shot over us towards our parents, who were dead the moment the spell hit them. I cried for them, soft rasping sobs that caught in my chest and weighed down on my heart. My parents were gone, dead.
"Sad, little Lissa? Well these won't be the last you'll lose. Your father's meddling actions along with the rest of that bloody Auror Office has cost us family and friends, dead or in Azkaban. And I'll make sure you and Danny boy suffer as we have. Dear Cousin Regulus tells me you're going out with my cousin Sirius. Sirius, that blood-traitor Potter boy, and the Mudblood Evans girl. Anyone else? I think I might just kill them all, slowly and painfully. Let's leave you with that. It's not a threat, by the way, it's a promise. Tell Sirius hello for me, will you?"
With that the Death Eaters left, leaving DJ and I lying in a pool of our dead parent's blood, where we remained until the St Mungo's emergency team arrived, many hours later.
"Lissa!" My head snapped up from the floor, my body shaking with sobs as tears flowed down my face like a river. Marlene's face softened immediately. I'd been staying with the McKinnons since my release from St Mungo's a few days ago, and Marlene had been great with everything, writing to the other girls for me. I had no idea where DJ had gone after his discharge.
"Were you thinking about your parents, Lissa?" Marlene asked softly, patting my shoulder gently. I nodded. "All the screaming… I can still hear it, Marlene. Now do you understand why I had to break up with Sirius? Even if Bellatrix had threatened to kill him, James and Lily, I'd still ruin his life. It's better to just let him go so that he won't have to deal with any of this", I explained, waving my hand over my half-healed body. I was bruised all over, padded out with bandages, and scarred in a million places, not least on my heart and mind.
Marlene sighed and shook her head. "I understand why you would come to that conclusion, Liss, but I still think you're wrong. Sirius doesn't think that way. I think he must have received about a billion death threats from his family since he left home last year, so one more wouldn't bother him. And he really cares about you, he'd want to help you."
I shook my head, wiping my tears and standing up. I grabbed my jeans and a t-shirt and went to change in the bathroom. I couldn't take Marlene's calm, logical reasoning at the moment. Ever since I'd sent Sirius the letter telling him we were over, not giving any particular reason or even mentioning the attack, Marlene had been trying to convince me that it had been the wrong decision.
Taking a quick shower, I pulled on my clothes and shoes. With a quick drying charm on my hair and brushing my teeth, I was ready to go. After the flashback I'd just experienced, I highly doubted I'd be able to keep down any breakfast this morning.
Dragging my trunk downstairs, I followed Marlene's impatient calls to the front hall, where she was waiting with her father, who was wearing the same pitiful expression he'd used whenever he'd looked at me for the last few days.
"Are you sure you're ready to go back, Melissa? There's no shame in not being able to face it yet, and you'd be more than welcome to stay here for a while longer", said Mr. McKinnon kindly. I shook my head and flashed him a small smile. "Thanks, Mr. McKinnon, but I'd rather try and get back to normal as much as I can. Thank you for your concern, though."
"Yes, well… C'mon, girls, or we'll be late to King's Cross. Hurry now!" ordered Mr. McKinnon. Happy to no longer have the attention on me, I joined Marlene in dragging out our trunks to the family car, a large battered Station Wagon. We both slid into the back seat and settled in for the long ride from the McKinnons' Scotland home down to London. It was freaking 5 am!
§ § § § §
We finally arrived at Kings Cross about fifteen minutes before the train left. Dragging our trunks onto a trolley, Marlene and I said goodbye to her dad and said off for Platform 9¾. I was praying hard that we wouldn't meet any of the Marauders on the platform; I just couldn't face them right now. Ever since I'd broken up with Sirius a week ago, I'd been bombarded with letters from James, Remus and Peter. Sirius himself hadn't written, but according to James he was really cut up about it. I highly doubted that- I'm sure Sirius had cared some bit, but he was SIRIUS BLACK, Gryffindor sex-god. He'd bounce back; probably find a new girlfriend in under a week.
I only wished that I could tell him about what had happened, what Bellatrix had said, and then maybe he might understand. But since my father had been such a high-profile Auror and still been unable to fend off a group of Death Eaters, then nobody could, and the Ministry didn't want people thinking that. Only a select few at the Ministry knew, as well as the McKinnons and my girlfriends. I would never, ever tell Sirius. I didn't want his pity. I could take it from anyone else, but not him. He would never see me at my worst; my pride just wouldn't allow it.
I wondered what he'd tell people. That I hated him, or that I cheated, or for 'personal' reasons? One way or another I just didn't care, not any more. I had far bigger problems than the gossipmongers at school, like making sure that Bellatrix Lestrange didn't carry through on her threat to kill my friends, or trying my best to avoid having a breakdown. Not that I'm totally sure I can actually do anything about either of my priorities.
"Hurry up, Lissa, we're gonna miss the train! Move your butt!" hissed Marlene, yanking on my hand. I tried my best not to wince- that hand was bruised pretty badly and I had a smarting cut on my palm. Turns out that for all its magical medical marvels, St Mungo's cannot heal curse injuries, which is a pity, because I'm covered in them from almost head to toe. I say almost because I think Bellatrix missed a spot on the bottom of my heel. It's kind of hard to get a look at that, though.
We practically sprinted through the barrier, Marlene pulling on my hand so hard and running so fast that I was almost on my knees. The second we crossed onto Platform 9¾, I was assaulted by the multitudes of pushing, shoving, screaming people. Breathing hard and keeping my eyes squeezed tightly shut, I let Marlene pull me through the crowd. As we got closer to the train the crowd became less dense. Tentatively, I opened my eyes. Marlene had slowed down considerably and was struggling with the trolley containing our two trunks, no longer spurred on by her manic inability to be late as she saw that she clearly wasn't.
Trying my best to be inconspicuous, I glanced around looking for familiar faces. And then I froze, stopping in my tracks. Marlene, still grasping my hand, ground to a halt as well. "What is it, Liss?" she asked impatiently. I nodded my head, indicating what it was. Marlene followed my line of sight. I could tell when she spotted, because her breath caught in her throat rather dramatically. I would have laughed at her if this had been any normal situation, but this was far from it. I had to get out of here, now.
"It's S-Sirius, Liss", choked Marlene, apparently recovered. Indeed it was. Half of the infamous Marauders- James Potter, Quidditch extraordinaire, was standing with his best friend and my ex-boyfriend, Sirius Black. Sirius was leaning against the scarlet body of the train, hands shoved into his pockets as he kept his stony gaze fixed downwards. Beside him, James had given up all attempts at communication and had started talking to Jonathon Bell, a fellow sixth year Gryffindor. Just as I was staring at the side of Sirius head, trying to figure out why he would have left his usually sleek black hair go wild and messy, his head turned in my direction.
His grey eyes caught mine and held them captive, full of some foreign emotion, mixed with copious amounts of anger and exhaustion. It was only then that I noticed the rest of him. His lightly tanned face was pale and drawn, his robes and hair disheveled, and he had prominent purple bags under his eyes. I was shocked- in all the years that I had known Sirius Black, I had never seen him so… vulnerable looking, and that killed me. I just wanted to run over there and hug him tightly, but I restrained myself. That was not an option. I had to remember why I was doing this. For Sirius.
"You okay, Liss?" asked Marlene softly, squeezing my hand. Taking a deep breath, I nodded and tore my eyes from Sirius'. "Let's just get on the train", I murmured softly, pulling my trunk off the train and dragging it onboard. A second later I heard Marlene follow me.
§ § § § §
"So remind me again, Liss, why did you break up with him?" asked an incredulous Alice. I sighed. We had been on the train for almost five hours, and my friends had been talking non-stop since we'd left London. We'd already gotten past the awkward condolences about my parents and a vanished DJ, and moved on to the less sensitive topic of discussing my break-up with Sirius. Lily had told me she was sorry we'd broken up, and I could tell she was genuinely sorry that it had upset me, but I could also tell that she wasn't exactly devastated that she would no longer have to spend time with the Marauders. Marlene and Mary, along with Lily's attempts, were taking the easy road of neutrality. Emmeline and Alice however, agog over why on earth I'd break up with Sirius without at least giving him a good reason, had spent the last two hours trying to convince me to ask him to take me back. Luckily, I refused to be moved.
"Because Bellatrix Lestrange threatened to kill him, Lily and James. I'm so sorry Lily, but short of avoiding you there's nothing I could do, and I won't make the mistake of suggesting that again." The last time I'd suggested that, about an hour ago, Lily had jumped on top of me and hugged me so tightly that I'd gone blue, screaming manically in my ear about how there was no way that was ever going to happen. Marlene and Alice had had to pull her off, and as we all grinned at the memory of the red-head's attack, I noticed Emmeline and Mary on either side of Lily, glancing surreptitiously at Lily out of the corner of their eyes, fingers twitching in anticipation.
"And what does that have to do with anything?" demanded Emmeline, her 'I'm with stupid' expression identical to Alice's. Both of my friends' eyes burned with determination. I knew in that moment that I'd be six feet under before they gave up. "Everything, Emm. I'd really rather his own cousin, or anybody else, not kill him. Sirius means a lot to a lot of people. He can't die."
Emmeline and Alice both shared a sly grin. Oh no. "And by a lot of people, Liss, you mean yourself, right?" smirked Alice. I shook my head, sick to the back teeth of this interrogation. "We broke up, Alice, Emm, so get over it and move on. Now, Mary, what did you say you got for Christmas?" I asked, turning to face a nervous-looking Mary. Although, to her credit, I'd have looked a little nervous too if Emmeline had been giving me one of her famous death glares.
"Don't even try it, Mary. Answer that question and it'll be the last thing you ever do. Now, Liss, I don't think you're fully understanding this. Tell her, Alice, because if she doesn't get it this time, I think I might just throw her out the window."
Mary, Lily and Marlene all shot me sympathetic looks. Emmeline always made true on her threats. Last year she had threatened Remus Lupin that if he didn't let her copy his Charms homework, he would regret his existence. Remus refused, and spent the next week walking around Hogwarts emitting a vile odour no amount of showers could dispel. Emmeline had gotten a week of detention for that, and Marlene two days for helping her to research the spell, but it had been totally worth it. The only people who didn't agree with us were those who came within fifty feet of Remus. Flitwick had actually fainted.
Clearing her throat, Alice began. Her eyes burned with fire, her cheeks were flushed and her arms were shooting around the place as she tried to illustrate her point. Alice was in her crazy mode. Merlin save us. "Alright, Liss. You know that Sirius hasn't always had the easiest life. Remember when his family kicked him out last year, and he came back to Hogwarts after half term covered in bruises? They disinherited him, Liss. I highly doubt that Bellatrix is the first cousin of his to send a death threat, and she sure as hell won't be the last. But Sirius can take that; you know he can. It wouldn't bother him in the slightest if he found out, and you should know that, for Merlin's sake, you went out with the guy for two months! Two months- Lissa! You should know how his mind works by now, or at least have the tiniest little bit of insight! He-doesn't-want-this-nor-does-he-need-it!"
I was slightly taken aback by Alice's powerful speech. So, it seemed, was she. Cheeks scarlet, Alice flopped back against the seat, resting her head on Emmeline's shoulder. I shook my head. "I'm sorry, guys, but that's not how I see it. I think I'll go get changed now, we'll be at Hogwarts in a half hour." Trying desperately not to cry, I summoned my robes and hurried out of the compartment, ignoring my friends' protests. Didn't they understand how hard this was for me?
I pushed my way past mostly younger students and ran into the bathroom. I only just managed to lock the door before the tears started. I slid down the wall, holding my school robes to my face, trying in vain to stop the tears. Taking a deep breath, I pulled myself up and looked myself dead in the eye in the mirror. I looked into the green eyes of my reflection, attempting to tame the now-wild frizziness of my dark hair. I set my face into determined lines and stared at myself through the mirror, trying to convince myself that what I could do this. I am strong enough, and no matter what Emmeline and Alice say, this is for the best.