A/N: This is a little side-drabble-bit-thing I wrote in between chapters of my other fic, and is unbetaed, enjoy! :)
A rewind button.
That was what he needed.
But to go back to a time, you need to relive what happened between now and then.
The attempt to move on. Telling yourself that all is okay, that the worst has come and gone. Trying to go through the motions of life, though they hold no meaning anymore. Waving off those that try to console you, keeping them at a distance. The haze that surrounds all your senses, a defense mechanism to numb the pain. The feeling of guilt that washes over you every time you smile, because you feel like you shouldn't be happy without that person there.
He felt it all.
The unrelenting grief. The loss of the will to eat, walk, and live. The time when you truly give in to what you knew was the truth, no matter how terrible it seems. Your mind flashes back to memorable times with that person, as though you need to remind yourself to what you lost, and each time, a new wound is formed. The pain ripples down your spine, burning holes in your mind, then fades. A new memory. Repeat. You enjoy it. Relish the pain, feel as though you deserve even worse.
He never thought it would end. He didn't want it to.
The all-consuming rage. Anger at anything and everything. Placing blame on whatever and whoever you can. Telling yourself that had this person done that, the person you love wouldn't be gone. Telling yourself that if that hadn't happened, all would be okay. You run through every possibility in your mind. A misplaced step. A word unsaid. Anything that could change the course of events that had already occurred. Then, when you realize how perfectly these events played out, culminating in the final action that the rest of your life would revolve around, you blame the one being who had the power to change it all.
God.
You question faith. Realize you hardly had it to begin with, but the recent turn of events seals it. You cry out in rage at the sky, a million rabid thoughts racing through your mind. You vow never to believe again, because it hurts too much. Because you would never believe in a being that had the power to save a person that meant the world to you. But didn't.
His faith had come and gone with her.
The guilt that threatens to bring you down to the depths of the earth. The realization that, had you done something, anything, differently, maybe this would have never happened. The inability to look anyone in the eye, sensing a hostility from them that blames you for what has happened, though they only look at you with pity.
He was played, set up. And he did exactly what was expected of him by showing up at the house. He tells himself his guilt is justified.
The vain denial. That what you saw wasn't the truth. That the people whom you used to trust are lying to you. That you will wake up from this horror of a nightmare, though if it really was one, you would have awoken with shock long ago. Repeating simple words in your mind. A mantra. To help you hang on to that tiny string of hope. That you are right, that this isn't happening. And that everything around you is wrong. So wrong.
He tried to deny it. Tried hard. But everything was laid out in front of him, a puzzle with one piece left. His mind couldn't conceal that piece forever.
The shock. The bomb that you had been building in your mind finally lit and blown. You expected the worst to happen. You always have. Except this time it did happen, and it blindsides you, leaving you breathless and on your knees. Everyone stares at you, anticipating your reaction, not sure how to react themselves. You ignore them, don't care, the pain of your heart clenching so much that a strangled cry tries to escape, but can't.
His silence was deafening. So many thoughts coursing through his mind that his entire body trembled.
A cold, lifeless body lay in front of him. A brutal gunshot to the head, marring the peaceful look on her face. The body belonged to Olivia Dunham. And he wished it didn't.
A/N: So, how was it? There may have been a few mistakes, but a review would be great, thanks! :)