Aggie: Part three.
Moolie: Read.
Ginny: Wait, you guys-
*roll opening credits*
Chapter One: Satchel Made Scones
"You know, despite the fact that Saruman is a cruel and vicious wH!izard," Merry said, putting emphasis on the 'H', "he does have good taste."
The three sat on the crumbling remains of the walls of Isengard. Saruman's storeroom had proven to be very beneficial and they now sat, pipes in hand, giggling as they devoured a set of salted pork sandwiches.
"I know," agreed Pippin. "Longbottom Leaf is hard to come by." He reached down to the side of the keg he was sitting on, refilling his flagon with mead.
"Hey, guys," Nora slurred. She sat back on a pile of rubble with her feet immersed in the Jell-O. "This stuff is, like, good for your skin or something."
"How much mead have you had?" Merry chuckled.
"Enough," Nora spat.
There was a pause. Then they all exploded with laughter once more.
…
"Keep up, everyone," Gandalf said. "We still have a ways to go to get to Isengard."
"Will Wormtounge be there, Mithrandir?" Éomer asked sourly. "I'd like to punch his filthy face in."
"Why the hostility?" asked Azimah. She was trying to avoid Legolas, who kept attempting to make eye contact.
"He's the sorry git who got me thrown out of Edoras," Éomer growled. "He was the one who poisoned the king's mind and stalked my sister."
"Azimah."
Azimah felt a hand touch her shoulder. She turned to see Legolas riding next to her.
"Do you hear that?" he asked quietly.
"I hear nothing, Master Elf," she responded coldly.
"No, that absurd giggling," he said. Azimah did hear it; however, she chose to ignore him and rode ahead. Legolas watched sadly.
Gimli appeared from behind him and frowned. "Well, that went well."
"Do you hear it, Gimli?" Legolas inquired, changing the subject.
"Now that you mention it, I do," Gimli said. "Oh, and can I drive on the way back?"
"We'll see, Gimli," Legolas responded slowly, fearing the worst.
"DOES ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT ABSURD GIGGLING?" Gandalf suddenly boomed in a ridiculous manner.
"Yes, I do," Azimah said loud enough for Legolas to hear.
"Obstinate bitch," Legolas whispered.
"It sounds like a gang of rabbits participating in their annual Carrot Hunt, an event so legendary…" Aragorn began, holding a pair of imaginary suspenders and looking up to the sky in a stately fashion.
"Hey look, it's Nora," Azimah said, smiling to herself.
Aragorn continued to look to the sky, his face turning red. "…oh, you mean thatgiggling," he quickly recovered.
Legolas felt a stubby little finger jabbing at his ribs. "Do you smell that?" Gimli inquired.
"I can't smell anything over you," Legolas said.
"It smells of ale…and raspberry gelatin," said Éomer. "Is someone making Jell-O shots?"
"I can't concentrate over that obscene giggling," said Gandalf. He was a little put out at the moment. He had run out of his special beard shampoo the night before and was starting to get split ends.
They rounded a bend, coming upon what seemed to be a giant lake of blue with three, giggling figures sitting on the edge atop a pile of rubble.
"DUDE!"
Azimah's eyes widened. She hopped off her horse, running towards the rubble. Legolas watched enviously as Azimah ran towards a stumbling figure. The stumbling figure grabbed Azimah tightly.
"Get off me!" Azimah yelled, pushing Nora away.
Nora pulled back reluctantly. "I didn't miss you."
"…didn't miss you either," Azimah said tersely.
"I diiiiid!" yelled a voice from the pile of rocks.
The entire group paused to watch as Pippin took a running leap off the rubble into a magnificent belly-flop into the Jell-O.
"Shame on you!" Gimli shook his fist, frowning. "A merry hunt you've led us on, indeed! And here we find you feasting—and shmoking!"
"Welcome, my lords, to Isengard!" Merry said with a slightly tipsy welcoming gesture.
"So how was the- GANDALF YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" Nora yelled, temporarily going blind.
"Dude, what happened to your beard?" Eomer asked.
Gandalf had such a bad split end situation that his entire beard appeared to be growing in two different directions. Legolas quietly slipped Gandalf his bottle of hair gel.
After greasing his beard into a presentable point, Gandalf turned his horse and trotted into the knee-deep Jell-O. "Come now, we have business to attend to." He called behind him, sniffing.
"Here Nora, you can ride with me," Azimah said in quite an unusually cheerful tone.
Nora looked puzzled. Shrugging it off, she hopped up behind Azimah. "Thanks man, I need to sleep this off." She leaned her head on Azimah's back and began dozing. However, in her hazy slumber, she thought she saw Legolas shooting her an envious look.
"Gandalf…how nice…to see you…again..." Treebeard droned as he skipped towards the group. Éomer stood up at once in his stirrups, pointing.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?"
"Calm down, Captain, it's just an Ent, harmless creatures really."
Éomer took a sweeping view of the wreckage of Isengard around them. "Harmless, my tooshy..." he muttered as he sat back down, eying Treebeard suspiciously.
Treebeard, who had seemed to take no notice of Éomer's outburst, was explaining the situation to Gandalf and Théoden. "…we've apprehended…the wHizard, but…he refuses to….talk…"
"I have something to say!" Aragorn butted in, feeling that he should be in these important talks.
They all paused to look expectantly at him. Aragorn twitched awkwardly. "Uh…uh—look at that!" he cried, pointing to the top of Orthanc. There, a figure stood clad in white with his beard flowing majestically in the wind.
"Saruman." Gandalf addressed his former master.
"Is that gel in your beard, Gandalf?" Saruman yelled, his voice magically amplified to reach them ALL the way to the bottom of the tower.
"So what if it is?" Gandalf shot back.
"Oh Gandalf," Saruman shook his head. "Have you learned nothing since your fashion fiascos in Wizard College? The ladies never dug the gelled beard look."
"So what? Penny did, that is before…" He trailed off. The entire group on the ground leaned in to hear what he mumbled. "Anyway, that's beside the point as to why we're here. Saruman!" he began again. "We need any information you possess in relation to Sauron's next move."
"Over my dead body!" Saruman shouted back.
"Shoot him! He's asking for it." Gimli fervently grumbled.
"With pleasure." Legolas slowly reached behind to his quiver and drew an arrow.
"No." Gandalf whispered dramatically. "We need him alive."
"Wait a minute." Théoden butted in. "Where's Grima?"
"Oh, that sorry bastard?" Saruman yelled. "I wouldn't give my granny's groceries to know where that sorry sack of poo—." Wormtounge leapt from the shadows, driving a knife into Saruman's back. Legolas loosed his arrow instantly. It found its mark in Wormtounge's chest.
The two crumbled in opposite directions, Saruman's body tumbling epic-ly down the side of Orthanc and impaling one on the spikes of a water wheel.
Well that wasn't very productive…" Gandalf muttered into his gelled beard. Pippin's eyes alighted as he spotted something shiny in the Jell-O. Suddenly, he dove head-first into the gelatinous blue raspberry depths.
"Pippin!" Aragorn shouted, reaching down to pull him up by the seat of his pants. Pippin emerged, holding a luminous glass orb, staring at it intently. Gandalf quickly tweeted "OMG!" and stuck his hand out for the orb.
"I'll take that, my lad," he said seriously. Pippin gave a second longing glance back to the glass ball before reluctantly handing it over to the wizard, who promptly covered with his cape. Gandalf gave the hobbit a very suspicious look before turning and leading the group towards Edoras.
...
It was raining and chilly. The fighting had died down as night fell. Fado laid curled in the wicker basket that served as her container until the bird cage was repaired. She curled tighter as a breeze whistled through the wicker basket. She could hear footsteps drawing closer. The basket suddenly began to shake as someone untied the ropes keeping it shut. The lid lifted and Fado looked up curiously to see Private Satchel standing over her with a floral quilt and a kettle of something that smelled delicious. They stared awkwardly at each other for a moment.
"Well..." Fado started. "Don't you look...masculine."
Satchel looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching. "You say one word to the guys and..." he warned.
"My lips are zipped!" Fado said quickly, sitting up in her hamper.
Satchel gave another glance over his shoulder, then sat next to Fado.
"I thought you might be cold," he grumbled sheepishly, handing over the freshly laundered, floral quilt. "I had to use Gain fabric softener, Faramir used the last of the Snuggle."
"Thanks." Fado wrapped the quilt around her, forming a little nest in her basket. "What've you got there?" she asked, nodding towards the kettle.
"Oh." Satchel quickly reached into his manny-pack and pulled out a small cup. "It's Chamomile and Rose Hip tea. Helps with the nerves."
Fado gave Satchel a raised eyebrow that would've made Elrond proud.
"Just drink it, okay?" Satchel said quickly, pushing the cup into her hands. Fado raised the cup to her lips.
"Wait, wait!" Satchel interrupted her. "I made these, too!" He produced a squashed package from the manny-pack. "They're ham and cheese scones. I made them in the shape of flowers."
"Do...do your friends know about this?" Fado asked cautiously.
"No!" Satchel said quickly, clearly embarrassed. "Just...eat them, okay?"
Fado quickly ate the scones, which turned out to be quite tasty.
"Sorry about you and the little dude," Satchel stated awkwardly, trying to make conversation. "He was...cute."
Fado gave Satchel a glance. "If you're into that kind of stuff, I guess."
Satchel's eyes grew wide. "Wait, no! I didn't mean it like..."
Fado just gave a small smile. "He is pretty cute, isn't he?"
Ginny: Why didn't you guys give me a chance to talk?
Aggie: Because, Ginny, we can't understand that accent of yours.
Ginny: We have the same accent!
Moolie: Ginevra, dear, come on. That Korean accent of yours is just way too thick. Now, I can help you work on it but until then, I'm sorry, but no lines for you.
Ginny: You guys!
Aggie: What was that?