Author's Note: This is a story I wrote a long time ago. I'd only been writing for a little over 2 ½ years and, from rereading this story and especially from the feedback I've received for it, I realize I utterly failed in getting across my point - which is ok, we all sometimes fail. I'm thankful to of been made aware of it, and I'd like to explain. This story was meant to look at the dangers of a few things: hero worship, vowing unquestioning/absolute loyalty, and positions of power. I also tried to write it to match Rowlings' tone, which is possibly how I failed so thoroughly in getting my point across. My feeling is that Albus was at best manipulative, and at worst abusive in his desire to achieve the greater good. He is not spotless, as we sometimes tend to think. I wonder about who Snape would have been by the time the first book started if Albus and the other adults had really embraced him and tried to help him rather than Albus just using him as a cog in the machine. At 21, Snape wasn't so much a man as he was a broken boy when he vowed himself to Dumbledore and returned to Hogwarts. What also may be confusing is that I depicted Albus as caring, in his own way, and truthful as that is what I experienced in my own childhood abuser. It also gave them a lot more power over me as I saw that, to some extent, they did care which led me to hold them in high esteem. This story depicts Albus as a bit of an abusive manipulator who uses pieces of truths and a vicious caning to subdue and punish Severus. It's not fair and intended to make you angry.
Severus was angry. Outing Lupin had helped, but the anger was still there under the self-satisfied pride he felt in his actions. Receiving an owl with the message that he was expected in the headmaster's office 'immediately' only stoked his rage. He wasn't about to apologize, nor was he ready for the old fool to attempt to coax him into a more pleasant mood, as the elder wizard was wont to do. Instead, Severus stormed through the castle and up the winding staircase to Dumbledore's office, intent on giving the old man a piece of his mind.
Upon storming the office, Severus closed the door sharply and turned to face the headmaster, his eyes immediately landing on what Dumbledore held in his right hand. The long, whippy cane was clutched in the old wizard's fist, which rested on his hip, and trailed down to the floor. Dumbledore stood, leaning against his desk as he waited for Severus' appearance.
Severus took a step backwards, his hands rising up in front of him as he backed into the door he'd just stormed through. "…Albus," he said in his normal controlled, quiet tone. His face was nearly vacant of expression, save for a slight pulling of his features that belied anxiety – something Albus alone was ever privy to seeing.
Albus exploded at once in a rare show of anger, "How could you? Death! You nearly caused the death of an innocent man, Severus! And for what? Revenge? Hatred?" Albus paced as he ranted, pumping his fists and throwing his arms about, the cane whistling in the air as he did so, "Has the man not paid enough for his childhood crimes against you? And Remus, a man who can barely find employment due to his condition, you've descended him into near certain poverty. I knew you were spiteful, Severus, but I'm surprised at these acts of hatred you've shown these past twenty four hours. …Little else you've done has disgusted me as thoroughly as this!"
Severus' head lowered an inch at that declaration; he felt slightly dizzy and – though he'd never admit it - crushed at that declaration, though his eyes stayed on Albus as he tried to swallow the sudden lump in his throat.
Albus descended the stairs and stood nose to nose with Severus, the latter of which was trying to keep level his breathing as he slightly leaned backwards.
"What of your own soul? Did you take the time in between tantrums to think of that?" Albus asked as he leaned further into Severus' space.
Severus swallowed at the calculated questions, knowing them to be loaded. "Albus," Severus started in what he considered a very reasonable, placating tone, a tone that would assure his safety even amongst the Dark Lord, "you haven't used that on me in almost a decade."
Albus' eyes, usually bright and merry, narrowed in cold calculation. Then he abruptly turned and stormed off towards and then behind his desk, his back to Severus all the while, leaving the younger wizard in his wake like a man thrown overboard with no other choice for survival than to follow after the ship that had thrown him.
Severus indeed followed, coming to a stop in front of Albus' desk, standing between two chairs meant for guests. He watched silently as Albus continued to ignore him, the elder wizard wrestling with his anger at the young professor; it upset Severus enough to cause a tremor in him here and there along with an uncharacteristic fidgeting.
Albus turned so quickly that Severus had to try very hard not to jerk in surprise. He was not entirely successful.
"Over the back of the chair, please," was Albus' simple request.
Severus swallowed, searching Albus' face for anything that would help change his mind.
"You've willingly offered me anything," Albus reminded when Severus didn't comply immediately.
Knitting his brow at that reminder, Severus stepped behind the chair on his left and slowly lowered himself over its back.
"Get comfortable, you'll be there for quite a while," Albus warned.
Severus' head shot up in worry, and then he took a long, sad breath upon seeing the severe look on Albus' face.
Swishing the cane to the side, Albus stood at Severus' left and looked appraisingly at his Potions professor.
"Your decisions these past few hours have been abysmal and dangerous to many. Though you may not want it or think it possible, I mean to make a good man of you, Severus," Albus said, his voice once more gentle.
Severus' shoulders sank at the headmaster's words. He was surprised to feel the hated sting in the backs of his eyes before the caning had even started.
Albus twirled his hand, causing Severus' robes to move up his legs and collect at his mid-back.
Abashed, Severus at first gripped the chair tighter, pulling himself closer to it so that his face nearly touched it, his hair fully hiding his face from view. Then, relieved that no further change was made to his clothing, he exhaled sharply.
A moment later, he heard the cane swish through the air, flinching as a line of fire lit across his bottom.
"Whether you believe it or not, your soul is as precious as any other," Albus said sadly.
It was this sad tone that had Severus looking up at the older wizard, hating the fact that the ever annoying sparkle was not there in those eyes and in knowing that he was the cause. It was then that Albus' words sunk in, and a fierce blush crept up Severus' throat, past his cheeks and to his temples.
"Thank you, sir," he said, not knowing how else to respond to the loving praise.
"You, like few others, are a son to me," Albus continued, landing another stripe of the cane that had Severus bouncing over the back of the chair. "And so I will not abide by this behaviour of yours, Severus. It is disgusting and beneath you," Albus continued to chastise as the cane landed four more times. "You are so much more than this; you do a great disservice to yourself."
Severus let go of a deep breath through widely parted lips, surprised at the strength the elder wizard still possessed and feeling completely humbled and raw at the lecture he was receiving.
Albus steeled himself, "Why did you go after Sirius Black so viciously?"
"I thought he was Lily's killer," Severus answered at once, his voice ever so slightly in a whine.
"Ah – at first, yes; but why did you continue to seek his death even after you learned it was Peter Pettigrew who betrayed the Potters?" Albus asked, his voice tinged with anger.
"That was not a certainty – ow – it wasn't! The only evidence I had of that fact was Potter's and the werewolf's word, which is not reliable – OW!" Severus argued, even as Albus made his displeasure known by landing two more swipes of the cane.
"Your half-truths may work with Tom Riddle, but I can see them for what they are – attempts at self-preservation. It's time to be honest with me," Albus admonished. "Tell me what makes it acceptable to seek the murder of an innocent man."
Severus balked at that – there was no answer to that question! He peered up at Albus to see the older wizard waiting expectantly, and heaved a great huff before looking away. "You know very well there's no answer when you ask it in that way," Severus grit out, seething.
"Precisely," Albus said curtly, landing another stroke of the cane to the tops of Severus' thighs, making him yell out like a stuck cat. "There is no good answer for what you have done. Imagine, for a moment, that you had succeeded in handing Sirius over to the dementors. Imagine that they'd performed the kiss. Picture it – his soul being sucked out and devoured; Lupin, Harry reacting at finding out the news – or perhaps even watching as it is done! How does that make you feel?" Albus asked as he landed swipe after swipe of the cane.
Severus glared up at Albus, "I never said it'd be pretty – OH!" Another swipe of the cane landed, and then another. "What do you want me to say? That I don't hate Black? I do! I hate the man!"
"What's under that?" Albus pushed.
When Severus didn't respond, Albus landed four more stripes of the cane. Severus bucked and hollered with each stripe, his voice cracking with the last stripe. "Pain!"
"Pain worthy of murder?"
"No," Severus admitted at once, looking at the cane warily.
Albus nodded. "Good. See? There is hope for you, my dear boy," Albus patted him on the back. "I hope that, in the future, you can see that before you act. Now then, back to our examination: after failing to bring about Sirius Black's murder, you exposed Remus Lupin as being a werewolf. What gave you that right?"
Severus closed his eyes, realizing that he was, indeed, going to be over this chair for a very long time. That thought made him give a slight whimper. "Clearly I did not have that right, Headmaster," he answered quietly, his voice wavering.
As expected, the cane landed again, Severus bucked and kicked the ground with one foot at the searing sting it caused. His entire bottom felt five times its natural size and pulsed in a most painful way with every beat of his heart.
"You did not have that right," Albus agreed, bringing the cane down three times in quick succession.
Yipping loudly, Severus jumped up and, in a most unbecoming way, rubbed at the sting in his hindquarters before looking back at Albus with a sheepish expression. An awkward moment passed in which Albus looked merrily at Severus and Severus looked anywhere but at Albus before bending himself back over the chair without so much as a word.
Picking up as though nothing had happened, Albus asked: "What must it be like, being unable to hold a job due to an unjust childhood malady? Being hated and feared – loathed, even – for things beyond one's control? How must that weigh on a person? What do you think? Is there nothing you could compare that to to make yourself sympathetic, Severus?"
Severus regarded Albus out of the corner of his eye, "You're referring to both my childhood bullying and to my life after the Death Eaters."
Albus inclined his head, a hint of the twinkle returning to his eyes.
"You realize that Lupin was one of my childhood tormentors?"
"And if the opportunity for acceptance and protection had presented itself, would you not have taken it at the expense of another?" Albus asked, eyebrows raised. "You and Lupin are not so very different."
Severus glared at Albus from the corners of his eyes, his lip protruding in a full moue as he considered this. It was so comical that Albus could not help but be amused.
"While a glare may be an acceptable answer during conversation, I expect a verbal answer from you on this," Albus told him.
Huffing, Severus answered, "I cannot deny the parallels you're making."
"Indeed," Albus replied, stern once more as he landed three more stripes of the cane.
Severus released a forceful "AH" with each stripe, turning his hips away from the onslaught in a failed attempt at subtle escape.
"You will hold position, Severus," Albus admonished.
Breathing heavily, Severus balled his fists, his long, black locks beginning to stick to his face from the sheen of sweat beaten out of him. He looked up at Albus with a mixture of angst and weariness, then wiped his face with the back of his hand before resuming position.
"While I have my suspicions, tell me why you felt the need to expose Lupin," Albus said in a curious tone.
"I felt it important that the parents be made aware – for the children's safety!" Severus said in a rush.
Albus huffed, fixing Severus with a glare, and let the cane land with each word, "Do Not LIE To Me, Severus Snape!"
By the time his name was yelled, Severus was wailing at each of the cane's connections, all of his weight resting on his belly and both legs drawn up in the air. Whimpering and breathing in labored puffs, he fussed over the back of the chair, feeling very sorry for himself.
"You will answer me this instant," Albus demanded.
Trying to reign in his whimpering, Severus looked up at Albus with sad, pleading eyes. Noting that Albus' eyes grew sterner the longer he looked, he offered in a small voice, "I was angry."
Albus sighed and closed his eyes for a long moment. When he opened them again, Severus could hardly bear the disappointment in them, "You sought to ruin a downtrodden man's career because you were selfishly having a temper tantrum?"
Severus felt his chin begin to quiver and soon his vision blurred. "Yes Headmaster," he answered pitifully. It wasn't so much the shame in his actions as it was the shame he felt in disappointing this man that reduced him to tears, sniveling like a child. Sniveling, he thought with a sense of loathing. Unable to face Albus, Severus buried his face in his folded arms and cried quietly.
"None of that; you will not hide from your punishment," Albus told him. "Though I am pleased to see some sense of shame overcome you," he said more gently, almost with a hint of pride.
Severus reluctantly lifted his head from his arms as tears streamed down his face, making him look much younger than his thirty four years of age.
"Never again do I want you to act so venomously, is that clear? It is much too damaging to your soul and to those around you," Albus pushed.
"Yes Headmaster," came Severus' immediate response.
Albus could tell by the downcast eyes that he was finally getting through to Severus. "Brace yourself," he said, allowing Severus a moment before bringing the cane down harshly six times. "I will not lose you, Severus. You'd do well to remember that. Every time you risk damage to your soul in any way, we will find ourselves here," Albus warned over the yips the escaped Severus' lips.
"Yes Headmaster," Severus answered wetly, surprised at the warmth that threat made him feel.
"And what of the tantrum that took the Order of Merlin from you?" Albus lectured on, bringing the whippy cane down thrice as he asked, causing Severus to whimper each time, his right leg lifting a little higher with each pass of the cane as he tried to relieve some of the sting. "Do you know how many doors would have opened for you to have such a title?"
"No sir," Severus answered pitifully.
"You've lost yourself quite a few opportunities," Albus said sadly. "Tell me, how many ex-Death Eaters hold such a title, Severus?"
"None, Headmaster," Severus said, his voice strained and full of emotion.
Albus brought the cane down with nearly every other word, causing Severus to make ever increasing yips of pain that soon turned to wails: "That's right. None. You'd of been the only one – think of the doors that would have opened to you! … Feet firmly on the floor," he scolded.
Severus complied, making wet sounds in the back of his throat as he wiped at the tears that fell incessantly.
"How do you feel about losing that title?"
"Horrible," Severus admitted in a small voice.
"What were you thinking, then, my dear boy?" Albus pushed.
Severus punched the seat of the chair with both hands in his frustration, "Clearly I wasn't – OWW OW OWWW!" Severus jerked up and hopped as he rubbed his bottom, turning to give Albus a look that was somewhere between a glare and a look of apprehension, tears still sliding down his cheeks.
"You would do well to reign in your behaviour!" Albus barked before inclining his head towards the chair.
Jumping slightly at Albus' tone, Severus gave a desolate pout and woefully lowered himself once more. "My apologies, Headmaster," he said in a small, sincere tone.
Albus nodded at the change in attitude.
"What you fail to see is how your behaviour affects those who care for you," Albus lectured, landing the cane three more times, cringing at the hoarse shouts and whimpering they caused. "It pains me greatly to see you act this way, Severus. You have earned my love long ago; I won't stand by while you ruin your life and the lives of others."
Albus kept caning as he spoke until, in a very small voice, Severus frantically whispered "…Albus, please. I'm sorry!"
There it was, the signal that he'd broken through all of Severus' heavily guarded barriers. Pleading. Severus Snape was never one to plead, to beg, except when in this particular circumstance, under the hand of this particular wizard. There had only ever been one other person to whom he begged, and Albus was quite aware of that fact.
"What will you do to right your behaviour?" Albus asked, landing the cane twice more.
Severus' eyes widened, even as he cried out, searching the office for an answer. "I…I will…stop attacking Black," he said, trying to speak over a sob.
"What else?" Albus prompted, giving Severus another swipe of the cane.
"AHH," Severus hollered, his cry ending in a sob. "…I'll give Lupin due respect! I'll … keep my temper in check! I'll think before acting, I swear it," he said in a rush, breathing hard, hoping to stop the cane from falling.
"Let us both hope that you do. While I do not regret my actions, I wish this to never again be necessary," Albus said, his cheery tone having returned. "There, there," Albus patted Severus's back as the younger wizard cried over the back of the chair.
After a moment, Severus pushed himself up, tipping his head down so as to hide his face behind his curtains of black hair.
Setting the cane upon the chair, Albus turned to Severus, putting his hands on the younger wizard's shoulders and forcing a hug upon him. Much to Albus' surprise, Severus did not push away. Instead, Severus nuzzled close as he sniffled and exhaled shakily.
Enjoying the rare affection, Albus put his arms fully around Severus' shoulders and slightly rocked him, smiling as the younger wizard allowed this as well. All too soon, though, Severus recovered his sense of pride and propriety, and stiffly pulled away.
"You do realize you gave me sixty lashes of the cane?" Severus said in a waspish tone, despite his tear filled eyes.
"Ah, yes," Albus said merrily. "And I am not at all surprised that you kept count."
"Sixty lashes, as though I am some low, thick hided animal?" Severus accused.
A bit of the twinkle went out of Albus' eyes, "Indeed, sixty – you sought the murder and ruin of others, the ruination of your own soul and the breaking of many hearts. In some of this, you succeeded. For a man as powerful as yourself, I thought it an appropriate punishment." Albus stopped and peered over his half-moon glasses, warmth again returning to his gaze, "I am not in the habit of treating people like animals, least of all the one I love and consider as a son."
Severus calmed himself and looked up at Albus with widened eyes for a long moment, his cloak of occlumency as tight as ever.
Albus regarded him fondly before saying, "You are not to heal yourself of or in any way lessen the effects of your punishment, Severus. Is that understood?"
Dropping his head ever so slightly Severus gave a solemn, "Yes Headmaster."
"Ah, good. Then off you go," Albus said, patting Severus on the shoulder as the younger wizard's robes righted themselves. He watched as Severus gave him a curt, unsure nod and then walk stiffly out of his office.
Turning to Fawkes, Albus picked up the cane and placed it back in a cabinet as he said, "Better be keeping this, as I'm quite certain we'll be needing it again one day." To which Fawkes responded with an amused whistling sound.