Hold the ones you can't love in the sweet arms of a tune
"Hurry up or we'll miss the beginning of the movie." Eleanor skirted across the street and Theodore followed after her. Brittany rolled her eyes but did not quicken her pace like her boyfriend. Alvin turned around, arms crossed and eyebrow arched pointedly while Jeanette sighed.
"Come on, Jean, Britt what is the hold up?" Simon hollered from the other side of the street where Eleanor was twirling one of her pigtails around her index finger. She had a forced smile and her eyes darted around the street wildly.
"Please hurry up." She said again.
"Ugh shut up, Ellie." Brittany grumbled.
"We're coming now." Jeanette rolled her eyes playfully, moving the books from one hand to the other. "I wish you would have let me put my books in the car." She whined.
"Can it, Jean. We didn't have time and your skinny arms could use the load." The smirk was evident in Brittany's voice and Jeanette huffed next to her.
"I have a bad feeling about-" Eleanor started, and then she screamed. She screamed until Alvin and Simon broke away from their conversation, until Theodore dropped his packet of crisps. She screamed and screamed and she never stopped screaming. The smell of burning rubber assaulted her nose, but she never stopped screaming.
She lost her voice for a week.
She said screaming was better than silence. She said anything was better than silence.
When Brittany cried, she never made a sound. Her shoulders would stiffen and maybe if Alvin strained his ears he would hear a soft sniffle and her voice gentle, sweet, low. She would always murmur things he couldn't understand, eventually he stopped trying to understand Brittany and instead chose to help her, to accept her, to love all parts of her, including the parts he often wished to wipe away with a clean eraser.
"Why are you always crying, Britt?" He grabbed her in a tender embrace and produced a crude smile when she buried her head into his neck. "Are you cold, Brittany? Do you need to borrow a jacket?"
She shook her head.
This was how it went now.
"Tell me what's wrong." He whispered, urgent, eyes wide with panic, with worry. His heart was beating erratically, his shaking hands enclosing her like a glass case that enclosed Snow White. He was protecting her, he was holding her up but she just wouldn't stop crying. She thought he couldn't see her, but she was wrong. He saw every tear that trekked down her face, leaving marred charcoal lines on her skin, making her seem impure. He tried to wipe them, but she pulled away. She was always pulling away.
She was avoiding their friends.
"I miss Brittany. She never talks to us anymore. Not even at home." She whimpered, watery tears evident in her eyes. "I want her to come back." She slammed down her fork and Jeanette pulled her into a hug the way Miss Miller had often done for them whenever they were upset.
"We all do." Theodore said, taking a deep breath. Simon was like an overflowed glass and Alvin was sure he would tip over someday. Nobody can be that strong forever.
Simon's silence signaled his agreement.
"She'll come back." Alvin said. "She just needs some time."
Jeanette chewed her lower lip while everyone avoided Alvin's determined eyes.
Nobody spoke after that.
"Brittany," Alvin said. "you need to come back. Your sisters are a mess, nobody understands why you're doing this, I don't even understand."
"You won't understand." She whispered soft like the gentle wind that flipped some of Alvin's hair into his face. He pushed it away and back under his hand with an exasperated sigh and reached for her hand but she took off into a run. "Are you coming after me?" She asked, turning around suddenly.
"Of course." Alvin shrugged, eyebrows pulled together, "I always do."
"Maybe you shouldn't." She was fidgeting. Brittany never fidgeted.
"What are you saying?" He grabbed her hand roughly and she gasped, her once used to be icy blue eyes were now dull, cold like her touch. She was always so cold.
"Maybe you shouldn't." She repeated hollowly.
He clasped their hands and walked her home, her head nestled in the crook of his shoulder. His heart fluttered once, twice, three times and his lips pulled into a hard smile.
"Alvin, how are you holding up?" Jeanette asked him suddenly in-between classes. She examined the books in her hands like they were first editions of Jane Eyre (Brittany's favorite book, although she would never admit it). "I know ever since…Brittany has been…I know how you feel, I'm-"
"Jeanette, it's fine. I'm fine. Brittany just needs time." Alvin put a hand on her shoulder and patted her reassuringly.
"It's just that, it's mine and Ellie's fault-" Jeanette's eyes had snapped open and her nose was red. She had a scar on her hand, one he didn't remember seeing before and another faint one on her cheek. Alvin blinked and took a step back and examined Jeanette. He saw her every day, he saw them all every day, but maybe he wasn't really seeing them. Maybe he was- "I'm so sorry, Alvin."
"Why are you apologizing? It's not your fault. Brittany doesn't blame you. She could never blame you. She loves you and Eleanor regardless." Her eyes were sunken into her face and she had dark, purple bags under her eyes. Her eyes were like Brittany's, cold, empty, dull. "Are you okay?" He asked uncertainly.
"Yes, yes I'm fine." Was her rushed reply. She blinked rapidly, "I'm late for my math class." She said, but Alvin was sure he saw her slam the door for the Janitor's closet behind her.
Ever since The Incident, Brittany had grown reclusive. Alvin could feel her slowly pulling away from him. Her eyes, her smile, the way she chose to shut her mouth instead of picking a fight, they were all signs and Alvin was well versed in Brittany's sign language. He knew what every hand flick, every frown and eye roll meant. He was holding her as tightly as he could, but she was still slipping out of his grasp.
"What is going on with you?" Alvin snapped suddenly, "you barely speak to me anymore. Where is your fire, Britt? Where is that spark? You need to snap out of whatever phase you are in because we are all here for you, we love you and you need to come back to us."
He had never said such intimate words before, not like this, not to anyone and especially not to her. They startled her, they scared her. Nobody ever loved her as fiercely as Alvin did.
"You still love me?" She sniffled, that damn mascara trekking down her face, leaving those awful dark lines.
"Always, Britt."
She smiled and pulled out of his arms.
"Homework." she said.
Alvin watched her with worried eyes as she begun her homework.
One Wednesday after school, they went to Fro-Yo without Brittany (not like she would have wanted to come anyway). Everyone was somber, melting ice-cream in all their cups. Simon never moved his gaze from the glass pane next to his window seat. "Compared to the last time you saw her, how is she?" He asked, catching Alvin's gaze. It didn't take a genius to figure out who they were talking about.
"Much better. You guys should drop by sometime, surprise her. She can't run that way, can she?" Theodore shot him a weird look but didn't comment while Jeanette chewed on her bottom lip. She always did that now. Her lips were cracked and raw. Eleanor's hand reached for Theodore's under the table but she never looked up from her ice-cream. Everyone pretended not to notice their linked arms.
"Alvin, I don't think…" Jeanette stammered. "are you-"
"Relax Jean." Alvin spoke soothingly, spooning ice-cream into his mouth.
How is she?" Simon pressed again, this time his voice terse, clipped.
"Sometimes," Alvin paused. "when the sun shines, I swear I see wings." He mumbled, tentative, his cheeks now stained red. "In the afternoon, after school, everything is perfect and I want to pause it, because she'd be so happy. And when I look at her, I see the shadows of wings. She smiles and they shine, they glow but when the sun sets, they disappear and it's like I can't get her back."
"Please stop." Eleanor cried, "Alvin, please stop." Unlike Brittany's silent tears, when Eleanor cried, those big fat drops of pain and fear were accompanied with a loud wail and a constant pathetic sniffling. The other customers all whipped their heads around but that didn't stop Eleanor from wailing, it never did.
That night, Jeanette clasped her hands together tightly, eyes clamped shut. It was 3am but she was never able to sleep much after The Incident. A wild sob was rising in her throat but she never let it escape her lips. "If there is a God," She whispered, "please help Brittany. I know, I'm just Jeanette Miller and there are so many other things you could be doing instead of listening to me, but please just let her be okay again. She's my sister. And I love her." Warm tears tickled her cheeks. "I will do anything. Please just help her. It's my fault, it's all my fault, isn't it?"
Her bedroom door creaked open and Eleanor shuffled in, spring green pajamas and hair disarray. In her arms was a pillow, and she was rubbing her eyes irritably. Jeanette expected her to tell her off, but instead Eleanor climbed into her bed and pulled her into a hug.
"Ellie," Jeanette's voice quivered the same way it did when she was five and broke her hand. "Ellie do you think I-"
"Go to sleep Jean," Eleanor whispered softly, "please just finally go to sleep. You deserve a peaceful night's rest. We all do." The last time Eleanor spoke to her with this tone was when their Grandma Sylvia died. They were seven and she climbed into either Eleanor's or...Brittany's bed every night, unlike all those other times, Brittany never pushed either of them away. She didn't complain to Miss Miller either. It was their little secret.
"Alvin," Simon cleared his throat, eyes shifting nervously, "I'm worried about you."
Alvin looked up from his sandwich and frowned as Brittany climbed out of the seat next to him. They were in the games room where Brittany had demanded they stay so she could finish reading her literature paper. Alvin didn't bother to question her demands- he never did, why start now?
"What do you mean?"
"I think it's time you accept the fact that Brittany, she isn't going to be the same person she was before. She isn't-"
What the hell, man?" Alvin jumped out of his seat, his sandwich tumbling to the floor, quickly forgotten. Simon recognized the way Alvin's spine straightened and the way his hands clenched and snapped his mouth shut.
"Alvin, calm down. Simon's just looking out for you." Brittany's soothing voice whispered in his ear.
"Sure has a funny way of showing it." Alvin spat out bitterly, pushing past Simon and holding his hand out for Brittany who paused and gave Simon a small, sad smile before she let him pull her out of school to his car where he took them to his house.
"Alvin, what?" Brittany remembered Simon saying, crossing his arms, his eyes flooding the hallways with a thick syrupy version of worry and concern that Brittany had often wished Miss Miller would direct towards her.
She wondered if Alvin heard Simon, if he saw the worry she saw. She wondered if he could see or hear anything but her anymore.
She dug her nails deep into her palm, wishing she could feel it.
Wishing she could feel something.
Brittany's stepmother, Miss Miller, turned up at his house when he pulled up. Almost like she had been waiting there, deciding on whether to leave or not. In her hands, she had a box of things. Brittany's things. "Alvin," she said, her voice dry and raspy. It made him wince and Brittany reached for his hand. "Here are some of Brittany's things."
"Did you want me to give them to her?" He asked, swinging his school bag off of his shoulder and stepping forward to take the box out of Miss Miller's outstretched hands. Miss Miller blinked several times, examining his face, searching for answers Alvin was sure he couldn't supply.
"Do you see her, Alvin?" She said, cocking her head to the side. Brittany squirmed next to him, released his arm and inched away from him. The sun was setting and the light was illuminating her face, her hair shone and her eyes gleamed. She wrung her hands nervously and she eyed her stepmother longingly. Alvin frowned at the sight, especially when Brittany stepped forward and whispered something into her ear.
"Yes, of course I see her. I see her every day." Came his quick response.
Miss Miller's chest heaved up but was then weighed down by words she couldn't materialize. "What is she like?"
Alvin found it strange she would ask this, especially since Brittany was right next to her stepmother, holding her breath it seems but then he remembered that they never really had the best of relationships. This had happened before, when Brittany had gotten Miss Miller so angry she ignored her daughter and Alvin had to act like a liaison between the two Millers. He wondered what Brittany did to piss off Miss Miller this time. "Well," Alvin stumbled over is words and looked over at Brittany. Miss Miller followed her gaze as her step-daughter nodded, "well she's the same old Brittany." He hesitated, "sometimes, when the light hits her at the right time, I swear I see wings sprouting from her shoulder blades."
Alvin never found it odd that he would see them shining, even now as he spoke.
"Is she happy?" Miss Miller asked, wringing her hands tightly like Brittany was currently doing.
"I'll only be happy when everyone is happy." Brittany said solemnly, her jaw was set and her eyes narrowed. Alvin hid a smile, this was who he remembered. This was his Brittany. Of course it would take a surprise visit from her mother to nudge her back into place. "Tell her." Brittany commanded, her eyes burning.
"She says she'll only be happy when everyone else is happy." Alvin repeated. He was tired of the Annual Miller Mother-Daughter Showdowns, but if it meant that Brittany was getting back to normal, then he had no problem with it.
"That's great, that's great to hear." Miss Miller sniffled loudly, tucking some stray blonde curls behind her ear.
"Tell her that it's okay. Turn it off." Brittany stepped away from her stepmother and opened Alvin's house door since it was unlocked, "she'll know what it means. Just tell her, I'm tired." And she was gone. The shadows inside his house ate her very being as she closed the door behind her.
"She said it's okay to turn it off." Miss Miller's eyes snapped up at him.
"How do you know-"
"I don't. She said you would know." Alvin knew accusations when he heard them, his girlfriend was Brittany Miller after all, "Sorry Miss Miller, but I've got to go." Alvin nodded his head in the direction of his house before shooting her a small smile and balanced the box in his arms, opening the door.
Later that night, Brittany reached for the remote and turned off Alvin's little TV, much to his chagrin. "Hey!" Alvin had protested, a mouth full of potato chips, "Marissa was just about to say her famous line."
"You are too addicted to this stupid show." Brittany rolled her eyes. Alvin's smile almost split his face in two. "Alvin, I have to go."
"You and Miss Miller finally made up?" If possible, his smile got even wider.
Alvin sighed heavily, "I guess you can say that. But I really need to go and you need to wake up."
"I am up, are you that distracted by my good looks?" His lazy smile made her heart twitch, and she smiled brilliantly because she hadn't felt anything in a long time.
"I love you." She spoke slowly and earnestly, "but I need to go." She got up and dusted the potato chip crumbs off of her black lace dress and Alvin watched them fall to the floor. "Do you understand that, Alvin?" She spoke with such an overwhelming intensity that Alvin squirmed in his spot on his sofa. "Do you understand that, Alvin?" She asked again.
"Yes, yes I think I do." He mumbled, "You need to go." She nodded, "But can't you stay just a little bit longer?"
"I've stayed long enough, don't you think?" She smirked but Alvin could tell her heart wasn't in it. "Look who's being the clingy one now."
He sighed as she bent down, "I need you to wake up Alvin." She whispered in his ear. She unfastened the pearls around her neck, the one that belonged to her grandmother and said, "Will you keep it for me for the next time?" Eyes wide.
"Sure, babe." She placed it on the table. Alvin didn't even realize she was wearing pearls. He needed to pay more attention to his girlfriend, Brittany was always telling him to pay more attention to her.
"I love you all so much, I love you so much, I love my sisters, your brothers, Miss Miller and even Dave." She kissed his cheek gently and then, after running her hair, Alvin watched as she opened the front door, pausing only to shoot him one last small smile.
"I love you too." He said.
"I know." She smiled and he smiled back.
She was crying.
His eyes flew open as someone pounded on his front door. Brittany, he smiled, it must be Brittany again. He rubbed his eyes and then ran his hand carelessly through his mane before stretching and getting up off his sofa. His neck ached and his legs were a bit numb but when he pulled open his door, his smile disappeared and Jeanette pushed past him, followed by Eleanor and Miss Miller.
"What is it?" He asked looking at them.
Eleanor was crying again, but this time she was crying like how Brittany would. Miss Miller had an emotionless face. But Alvin could tell she was trying hard not to break down and cry. Jeanette was slightly whimpering as she looked down.
"What's going on?" Simon asked as he and Theodore came into the room.
"Miss Miller pulled the plug today and without the machines to help Brittany breathe, Brittany died." Jeanette said, shrinking away from him, from them all. She bit into her nails until they bled, eyes dry from hours of crying.
Simon's eyes were unusually watery and Theodore sniffled.
"What do you mean?" Alvin scoffed.
"Wake up, Alvin!" Eleanor punched him in the shoulder, "Stop pretending like it didn't happen. She was in a coma for eight months, we visited her after school every day without you. You never once visited her." Alvin took a menacing step forward but Eleanor never retreated.
"I tried to talk to you about it." Simon said slowly. "in the game room."
"Alvin this is it, Brittany isn't coming back." Theodore reached forward to comfort his older brother but Alvin sprung backward.
What the hell are you talking about?" He demanded, his voice cracking.
"This was a bad idea." Jeanette murmured. "We should have never come." On the other end of the room, Brittany's pearls gleamed under the lights. "Alvin, Brittany wouldn't want you to act like this, okay? She would want you to live."
His breath was even and he choked on the bile rising in his throat, struggling to keep it down. His cheeks were wet although his eyes were closed. "Open your eyes, Alvin." Jeanette commanded.
He shook his head, not bothering to wipe away the tears.
"Open your ****ing eyes, Alvin!" Jeanette's voice was harsh, cold, bitter. She never swore before. It shocked him.
Alvin did as he was told.
And he remembered.
Flashback~
"Hurry up or we'll miss the beginning of the movie." Eleanor skirted across the street and Theodore followed after her. Brittany rolled her eyes but did not quicken her pace like her boyfriend. Alvin turned around, arms crossed and eyebrow arched pointedly while Jeanette sighed.
"Come on, Jean, Britt what is the hold up?" Simon hollered from the other side of the street where Eleanor was twirling one of her pigtails around her index finger. She had a forced smile and her eyes darted around the street wildly.
"Please hurry up." She said again.
"Ugh shut up, Ellie." Brittany grumbled.
"We're coming now." Jeanette rolled her eyes playfully, moving the books from one hand to the other. "I wish you would have let me put my books in the car." She whined.
"Can it, Jean. We didn't have time and your skinny arms could use the load." The smirk was evident in Brittany's voice and Jeanette huffed next to her.
"My arms are not skinny!" Jeanette protested hotly, stopping abruptly making Brittany tumble into her.
"Watch where you're doing." Brittany grunted as Jeanette's books fell out of her hands and her papers fluttered in the wind, littering the road and sidewalk. "Dammit, Jeanette!" Brittany cursed and Jeanette mumbled a lame excuse.
"Aren't you going to help me?" Jeanette asked exasperatedly, waving her hands about. She was pouting again and Brittany was rolling her eyes again- like they always did.
"Come on guys, hurry up." Alvin looked away from his conversation from Simon, his words thick and heavy, hanging in the air. There was an uncomfortable silence as Jeanette and Brittany picked up the papers.
"I have a bad feeling about-" Eleanor started, and then screamed.
"Get out of the way!" Simon shouted hysterically.
"Why aren't you moving? How retarded are you, Jean?" Brittany growled and grabbed her roughly by the arms, pushing her out of the way.
"Britt-" Theodore was cut off but a sickening thud.
"Britt?" Alvin remained frozen in his spot on the sidewalk. Jeanette pushed herself off the sidewalk, head and cheek bleeding from contact with the hard cement. Her wrist was bent out of sorts and she was limping but she pushed Simon aside and scrambled to Brittany's side.
"Brittany, please come back." She shook Brittany's shoulders gently, stray tears running down her cheek. "Stay with us, please Brittany." She was shaking her shoulders even harder now, her voice growing louder and louder, "I'm so sorry, I promise I won't be such a klutz anymore."
"F*ck," the driver slammed his door shut, "I didn't see her." He said but he was ignored. Nobody saw him, just like how he didn't see Brittany.
Jeanette's voice seemed to fade away, Theodore was at his feet, motionless like Brittany. Alvin blinked once, twice, three times until he heard her. "Alvin," she waved her hands wildly and he pushed Simon roughly to get to her. "Alvin did you wait for me?" She asked him, grinning widely. He ignored Simon's voice calling him back over, Eleanor's shrieking and Theodore's piercing gaze.
"Britt what just happened? I thought you were-"
"Alvin, will you wait for me?" She cut him off.
He blinked once, twice, three times before answering, "Always."
She laughed, "Or maybe you should let go," her eyes glinting mischievously.
"Never," he didn't hesitate to answer that.
The sun was setting, and the tangerine rays were making Brittany glisten. She was shining, glowing; she was radiant. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
He wasn't sure, but there was something new about her.
She had wings.
Gosh, this is so sad. I wrote this a while ago but didn't know when to release it. It took me over an hour or two to get it done. So some things are rushed, but I wanted to get it out today. REVIEW.