A/N: This is for Loren. Happy sweet sixteen!

Oh, and, as you'll soon be able see, I changed the Larxene/Axel/Marluxia dynamic a little. Marluxia is Larxene's bitch instead of the other way around. But Axel is still a backstabbing, independent asshole. Actually, he's a really big asshole in this. Oops.

I own nothing. This disclaimer applies for both parts of this two-shot.

Aces and Spades

Kairi's dreaming; she's sure of it. Because flowers don't talk and the sky doesn't change colour every ten minutes and the ground doesn't go from dirt to brick while she's walking on it and she can't saunter down the face of a cliff without falling.

But they do and it does and she can, so Kairi must be dreaming. Except she's one hundred percent certain she isn't. She's awake. She's coherent. She's watching a couple of roses sing the chorus to a song from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. She's living this, no matter how illogical it seems.

And that scares her more than any twisted nightmare ever could.

--

She remembers walking, pavement hard and there beneath her, past the crumbling remains of the apartment building that burned down next door, and into the maze of back alleys that ran behind it, twisting and turning left and right to get to somewhere, anywhere, nobody knows where.

Then she remembers falling, the concrete suddenly invisible and gone, somewhere near the chain-linked fence that separated the back alleyway from a schoolyard. Maybe she fell in a ditch, or something, but she remembers falling.

And now she's asking a flower for directions.

--

This, she decides, must be what Hell is like.

It feels like it's been hours, even though it's only been one, and she's gone from walking across bridges that you can't see to climbing up a tree upside down and discovering that the sky is actually four different colours at once.

The flowers are no help. They sing a pretty tune and smile a pleasant smile, but they're useless. Not much different from the flowers in reality, she thinks.

Well, minus the talking, singing, smiling part.

There's a mangled tree near where she's standing, branches twisted and turned upwards into spirals of intertwined wood. Kairi doesn't want to sit under it, even though her feet hurt and she's tired, because it's black. She can handle the mangled branches and the haunting looking face that seems to be carved into it, but she can't handle the black.

So she stands around and waits for something to happen.

And something does happen, while the flowers sing, the sky goes magenta and the path ripples into yellow brick. Because, apparently, standing around and doing nothing provokes trees that-are-supposed-to-be-brown-but-are-instead-black into starting a conversation.

In a British accent.

Kairi really wishes she were dreaming.

--

So, what's your story, the tree asks, only not really because it's not supposed to be talking. Kairi pretends that she's talking to a guy and not a plant, because watching its mouth not move while it speaks to her is just too weird.

"My story?" She raises her eyebrows, even though she's sure it can't see her. Though she wouldn't be surprised if it could, eyeballs or not. "What do you mean, my story?"

C'mon, love, don't play stupid, it says. Kairi tries to pretend that being called 'love' by a tree does not freak her out. How'd you end up here?

"I fell," she says flatly. The tree sways slightly and Kairi thinks that's probably sign language for laughter, or something.

Down the proverbial rabbit hole, no doubt, it/he/the tree says, amusement evident in its/his/the tree's tone. Kairi really hopes she's not stuck in some screwed up version of Alice In Wonderland. The last thing she needs is a Mad Hatter.

"What's your name?" she asks, sick of referring to the tree as multiple pronouns in her head.

Luxord, it replies. I used to be human, you know.

"Wonderful," Kairi deadpans. "Does that mean I'm going to turn into a tree? Because, really, that would just be the cherry on top of this sundae."

Luxord sways again. No, no. You won't be turned into anything anytime soon, so long as you don't make any wagers you'll regret later.

"Wagers?" She scrunches up her nose. "What, is there a Casino hidden around here too? Since the talking flowers obviously weren't enough."

Bloody hell, Luxord says, swaying again, though it's almost unnoticeable, as if he's trying to contain his laughter. You're a sarcastic one, aren't you?

"Comes with falling into ditches and ending up in Hell," she grumbles. "So, how did you end up a tree?"

I bet my soul in a game of chance, he replies, and lost.

"So you got turned into a tree?" Kairi blinks. "What, was the winner some kind of environmentalist or something?"

No, Luxord says. Just someone who didn't want me to leave.

"You," she bites her lip worriedly, "you're from the real world too?"

Silly girl, Luxord says. This is the real world. Just not the one you want to see.

"Wonderful," she mutters. "How do I get back to my version of the real world, then?"

You've got to be let out, he says. Though I highly doubt that'll happen. The Queen isn't very… merciful.

"Don't say she's the Queen of Hearts," Kairi groans. "Please, do not say she's the Queen of Hearts."

You're not in Alice In Wonderland, sweetheart. Luxord's upper branches rock back and forth. And she's not the Queen of Hearts, though that would be ironic, since she's heartless.

"Right. Okay. Heartless queen. And I've got to convince her to let me out." Kairi presses the heels of her palms into her eyes. "This isn't happening."

Sadly, it is. But, you're only here because someone wants you to be. So maybe you should find out just who that person is first, yes?

"Yeah. Alright, well, thanks," she says awkwardly, rubbing her arm. "It was nice talking to you, Luxord."

You too, Kairi.

Kairi looks at him sharply, eyes wide. "How do you know my name?"

But he doesn't answer. Not that she expects him to.

--

"I… really hate it here." Kairi slumps down in front of a group of petunias that are happily singing the chorus of some song she used to listen to when she was six. "I just want to go home."

"You'll have to see the Queen about that, then," Petunia Number One says, after they've all finished singing. "Though, I have to warn you, she's not exactly sweet and caring."

A couple of petunias giggle into their leaves. Kairi, who can't believe she's actually just witnessed giggling flowers, squeezes her eyes shut and leans her forehead against her knees. "So I've been told."

Petunia Number Two, who is slightly cross-eyed, looks at her sympathetically. Kairi doesn't think she'll ever be able to visit Aerith at her flower shop ever again. If she ever goes back to her world, that is.

"Oh, you poor thing," she coos, and Kairi feels smooth leaf flutter over the back of neck in a gesture of comfort, like Tifa used to do when she was eight-years-old and crying. "You know, maybe Demyx can help you out."

"Demyx?" Kairi perks up, arching her head back to look up at the smiling plant. "Who's that?"

"Demyx," Petunia Number One explains, "lives just beyond that field over there." She waves a leaf in the direction of a large looking plain at the end of the path. "In the woods, near the pond. He's had some past experiences with wanderers and the Queen. If you've got any shot of returning to your own world, it's with him."

"That," Kairi says, as she stands up and brushes dirt off her ripped jeans, "is the most helpful thing I've heard all day."

All five petunias smile at her simultaneously and wave her off as she heads in the direction of the field. "Good luck, Kairi!" Petunia Number One calls.

Kairi freezes mid-step and glances over her shoulder. "How do you know my name?"

There's no answer and Kairi realizes it's because all the petunias are wilted and closed up on themselves as they bend towards the ground. Biting her lip anxiously, she resumes walking, intent on finding this 'Demyx' character and figuring out what is going on.

--

The field is made up of grasshoppers, ladybugs, grass and piles upon piles of empty teacups and shattered bottles that smell suspiciously of vodka and green tea. Kairi doesn't know whether to think it's all brilliant, or absolutely insane.

Then she asks a grasshopper if he knows Demyx, and, upon hearing the mumbled response (and not understanding it at all, mind you,) decides that it is most definitely the latter.

The rest of the trip is rather uneventful and ridiculous, though she does almost cut herself on several chunks of busted bottle because one insect was careless enough to simply throw it away when it was finished and, on more than one occasion, she jumps to the sound of splintering glass.

Eventually, she nears the edge, where grass melds into tree root and dirt, her nerves a little frayed, but intact, with a strong resolve to never a drink for as long as she lives. It's not so much a forest as it is a small cloister of trees, strategically spread out along the end of the field.

Taking a deep breath, she takes the first step into the darkened woods.

--

Demyx turns out to be a six-foot tall nineteen-year-old with rabbit ears, a tail and webbed fingers. Not exactly what Kairi's expecting, but she's dealt with worse. Like walking down the side of a cliff without even realizing it until she looked up and saw the other side of the canyon.

She finds him just where the flowers said he'd be, swimming in a pond, in the grouping of trees just beyond the field of alcoholic ladybugs and grasshoppers. She doesn't see him at first, because she's busy trying to avoid being hit in the face with tree branches that seem to come out of nowhere. He sees her though, fair skinned and helpless, as she's attacked by every twig and stick in sight.

She's kicking a persistent tree branch away, the one that's been trying to wrap around her waist the whole trek, when he taps her on the shoulder and says, "Having trouble?"

Kairi jumps, startled, and whips around to look up at him, pale with fright. "Oh my God! Please don't do that ever again. I think my heart just jumped out of my chest."

"Well, we can't be having that, now can we?" he says, lips quirking upwards. Kairi takes a deep breath, closing her eyes, her heart racing, and tries to calm down. "You alright now?"

She nods slowly, taking another breath. "Yeah, I think I'm fine now." It's then, still holding a loose hand to her heart, that she gets a good look at him.

"Well," she says, as his tail wraps loosely around her wrist, "you're certainly not what I was expecting."

"Were you expecting someone muscular, handsome and charming?" He snorts, letting his extra appendage fall back behind him. "This isn't some sappy romance novel, you know. This is life."

"No," Kairi argues, "it isn't. Because in life, flowers don't sing, trees don't talk, the sky isn't four different colours-"

"It's six today, actually," he interjects. Kairi shoots him a dirty look.

"As I was saying; the sky isn't multicoloured, bugs don't drink alcohol and you can't defy gravity by walking down cliffs horizontally!"

Demyx grins sideways at her, and despite all her anxiety, Kairi can't help but find it cute. Which is probably his intention, but she's too tired and confused to care if she's being manipulated or not anymore. "So, you talked to Luxord?"

She shoots him a befuddled look, so he adds, "He's a friend of a friend."

"Yes, well, I did," she sighs, the syllable long and drawn out. "He says I'm here because someone wants me here. Why, I don't know."

"Probably boredom," he says offhandedly. When she looks at him in disbelief, he shrugs. "Well, not everyone here is as easily amused as you seem to be."

"I'm not amused," Kairi snaps, stomping her foot childishly. "I'm tired, freaked out, confused and I want to go home."

Tears of frustration are welling up in her eyes, so Demyx changes tactics. "Then again, you could be here for some otherworldly purpose! Like, uh, freeing Luxord! Though I doubt that's going to happen because Larxene is a bitch, but, you know. Maybe you're some kind of heroine. Or something. Aw, crap, please don't cry, Kairi."

Swallowing hard, she wipes the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes away and looks up at him, nose scrunched up in confusion. "How does everyone here know my name?"

"Axel," Demyx says simply, as if that one word answers all her problems. Then, when she looks at him for further explanation, he adds nervously, "Er, he just went around saying a redhead named Kairi was going to come tumbling in soon."

"You mean, he's the one who brought me here?"

Demyx looks hesitant. "That's a possibility, yes."

Kairi frowns and looks down at her hands. "But, why would he do that?"

Demyx shrugs again, still a little shaky looking, and bends down to pick his shirt up off the banks of the pond. "Like I said: boredom."

Kairi runs her tongue along her lower lip slowly. "So," she begins, "because this Axel guy was bored, I got hauled out here after falling in a ditch for his amusement? And now I've got to go visit The Queen, who is awful apparently, and have her send me back?"

Demyx nods, then pulls his shirt on. "Yeah, pretty much," he replies, his voice muffled. "If Axel is indeed the one who brought you here. Sucks, doesn't it?"

Kairi glares at her mismatched high top sneakers in disdain. "I am going to kill this guy when I meet him."

Demyx smiles half-heartedly at her and sighs, running a hand through his damp hair. "I was afraid you were going to say that."

--

"Larxene, the hume girl has found Demyx." Marluxia polishes his scythe with the sleeve of his coat, examining his reflection in the metal. "Are we going to do anything about it?"

Larxene snorts from her perch on a tree branch and swings her legs up in front of her, leaning back against the trunk. "Of course we are," she says, pulling a book out of her pocket. "Aren't we, Axel?"

Axel smirks from his place on the throne, crown lopsided on his head, legs crossed, one hand supporting his head, long fingers tapping against the armrest. "Of course we are, Larxene. We can't have Demyx playing with things that don't belong to him, now can we?"

The two of them exchange malicious smirks. Marluxia can't help but chuckle. "Oh, the lengths we go to to enjoy our toys," he says wistfully. "Shall I send something to keep an eye on them?"

"Don't bother," Larxene says. "I'm sure Axel would love to get up off that throne and stop pretending he's royalty for a while, isn't that right, Ax?"

The redhead sneers at her. "If I'm pretending, you must be absolutely delusional, Larx."

"If either one of you calls me Marly," Marluxia says, glancing between the two of them, "I'm going to murder the both of you and feed your remains to my Venus Fly Trap."

"Don't worry," Axel replies smoothly, clambering to his feet. "I don't plan on spending my play time with the Princess in the stem of a plant." Throwing the crown at Larxene, he says, "I'll be back later."

"Don't mess her up too bad, Axel," the blonde calls, catching the piece of jewellery effortlessly with one hand, eyes never straying from her book. "I want to have some fun, too."

"I thought you were still destroying that pixie, Naminé." He's at the entrance to the hedge that separates them from the rest of the world. "Or have you already given Marluxia your leftovers?"

Larxene laughs mirthlessly while Marluxia's lip curls back over his teeth as he snarls at the redhead. "Watch your tongue or I'll cut it out."

Axel smirks, acid green eyes sharp and dangerous. "Forgive my insubordination, My Lord," he quips. "It won't happen ever again. Really."

Larxene laughs again, louder and colder than before, blonde hair and brown bark meeting somewhere in the middle. Marluxia's face goes devoid of expression as he calmly returns to polishing his weapon; Axel considers this a sign of defeat and winks at the blonde in the tree before disappearing into the hedge.

Halfway to the exit, a branch slithers out from the thicket and hits Axel hard and fast across the spine, then darts back into the greenery as if it'd never been there. Axel doubles over, wincing and chuckling at the same time.

Always have to have the last word, don't you, Marluxia? he thinks, kneeling in the dirt. Too bad you're going to die.

He straightens, back stiff from pain, and continues venturing deeper into the brambles and the bushes, and lets his lip curl up in a sneer as he hears lightning crackle behind him and sees the hedge begin to shake. There's a screech, a cry, an explosion of light behind him, and then only the sound of metal meeting metal can be heard.

"Well, they got there quicker than anticipated," he muses, not quite sentimental enough to care, but not quite heartless enough to not. "Oh well; as long as it doesn't interrupt playtime."

His eyes darken as he runs his tongue along his lower lip. The hedge is still again. "Guess I better go let Naminé know neither Larxene nor Marluxia will be paying her a visit anytime soon." He snorts derisively. "Not."

And with that, Axel turns left and continues towards the ink black exit that he can't see yet, whistling to himself as a battle wages on behind him and forest opens up in front of him.

--

Kairi and Demyx haven't moved from the pond since their meeting, both occupied with their own thoughts of how to convince Larxene to send Kairi back to her own world. Kairi is making things out of the bits of driftwood and flat rocks she's finding along the edge of the water while Demyx does laps, back and forth, back and forth.

She's been thinking about her predicament, how everything went topside just because someone decided they wanted to have a bit of fun with the silly little human girl who went for a walk because she couldn't handle the independence that came with living alone.

She's been thinking about her world, about the smell of salt-air when she'd go back to the islands for the summer, about the shops downtown, past her apartment building, the ones she'd go to in the winter.

She's been thinking about Sora and Riku and mornings spent in a café on the corner and whether or not they're looking for her, whether or not they even know she's gone.

Demyx watches her carefully for a while, gauging her facial expressions. He can't begin to understand how it must feel to be in unfamiliar territory with too many questions and no answers, and it strikes somewhere deep in his chest, seeing her like that. It reminds him of how Naminé used to look after her parents died. Lost. Nostalgic. Terrified.

Eventually Kairi's face goes blank and stays that way and he gets a little panicked, so he climbs out of the water, pulls on his shirt for the second time, and shakes his hair out like a dog. He goes to talk to her, to comfort her, but pauses for a moment and stares deep into the trees, a hard look on his face, before saying:

"Kairi, I think we've got company."

She glances up from the charm bracelet she's making out of vines and watches, fascinated, as Demyx's ears twitch in the air rapidly.

"Oh, really?" she says, curious. "Do you know who it is?"

Demyx is silent for a moment, ears still twitching, then his face darkens and his tail begins to thrash wildly. "Damn it. It's Axel."

Kairi perks up, setting her temporary art project down on the muddy bank so she can get to her feet. "Really?" she says quietly, brushing wet sand off her pants. "Do you think he knows I'm here? I mean, he shouldn't, if he isn't the one who brought me here," she babbles anxiously. "At least, he shouldn't know I'm here now. But, what if he did bring me here and that's why he's coming? What then?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself," someone drawls. "After all, Demyx is only going to tell you what you want to hear. Isn't that right, Demyx?"

"Axel," the half-nymph says curtly. "I'll take your cryptic answer as confirmation, so I have to ask: what was the point in bringing Kairi here? Last I checked, you were still playing with dolls."

"Only the life-like kind," the redhead retorts, winking at Kairi blatantly. "But that's really none of your business, even if you did help get her here. Just like your pretty little girlfriend helped with Luxord."

Kairi whirls on him. "He did what?"

Axel fakes shock. "Oh, you didn't know? Tcht," he clicks his tongue, "that's not very honest of you, Demyx. Keeping secrets like that from her. For shame."

"Kairi, it's not what you think," Demyx says quickly, holding his hands up in front of him as she turns on her heel to glare at him. "Larxene and Marluxia, they wouldn't leave Naminé alone and the only way I could get them to stop was by making a deal with the Devil." He looks stricken as he continues, "She still wakes up screaming, some nights."

"Ah, like boyfriend, like girlfriend," Axel says wistfully, leaning against a tree. "Seeing as Naminé sold Luxord's soul as well, for your sake. Didn't think you could handle getting roughed up by these trees here," he pats the one he's leaning against fondly, "every day, right? But, that's all water under the bridge, isn't it?" He smirks maliciously, exposing sharp canines. "Though, if that were the case, I'm sure you would've told Kairi here all about it. Am I right?"

Demyx snarls at him viciously. "Get the hell out of here, Axel. You're part of the reason she's here too. Who was it that went diving into the hume world to find a toy to play with? Who was it that played on my weaknesses to get me to help? Who was it who sent the Darkness Dwellers after your own supposed comrades?"

"Oh," Axel feigns innocence, " You must have heard about that little venture from your fishy friends. Larxene and Marluxia were tormenting dear, sweet Naminé and ambushing you whenever they pleased. I had to do something to stop them. That was part of our deal, after all, and as you know," he scratches the side of his chin absently, voice sickeningly sweet and untruthful, "I am a man of my word."

Demyx snorts. "Yeah, right."

Kairi looks between the two of them, wide eyed. "Oh my God," she murmurs. "You're both horrible!"

"No, sweetheart," Axel's coat flutters with a breeze and then he's suddenly breathing in her ear from behind. "We're real."

Demyx stiffens and turns towards the two of them slowly. "Axel, get the hell away from her. Right. Now."

"What's the matter," Axel mocks. "Does Demyx have a crush on the hume girl?" His hand skims along her bare shoulder. "Too bad; she's my toy for the moment."

"I am not!" Kairi snaps, stepping away from him so she can jab him in the chest with one finger. "I am nobody's property, nor am I anyone's toy. And I do not belong to you. Period."

Axel grins wryly at her. "That's what you think, Princess." And with a casual sweep of his arm, he grabs her wrist and pulls her towards the swirl of purple mist collecting behind them. "See, I always get what I want. Even If I'm not allowed to have it."

Demyx makes a lunge for the both of them and his fingers just brush against the back of Kairi's hand before the stick-thin teenager is pulled into purple, darkness curling around her form in strands and strips, and vanishes from sight completely.

--

PART TWO: AXEL/KAIRI SEXY TIME AND THE FINALE. ARE YOU PLEASED TO BE ENTICED YET?