She scribbles his name out from her dairy; the black ink dying over the pink heart shapes that dance around the white pages. She's supposed to feel relief but angry tears fall, blurring the pink hearts and blue lines into a wet mess.
She sees Logan's doodles on the corner of her book; his name and pretty patterns around her borders. She swallows, shuts the book and tosses it to the corner of the room, ready to throw the whole thing out.
She viciously wipes the tears of her face as she gathers her cell phone and scrolls down to Duncan's name, she deletes it with an ache in her heart. The tears fall as she goes to Logan's name, the ache only grows stronger. She ignores the pain in her chest and punches in the delete option.
She removes every piece of them from her line of sight before sinking onto her bed, exhausted with puffy eyes.
She hopes that if she erases enough of their scent in her life then maybe her heart wouldn't hurt so badly. Maybe she wouldn't feel like throwing up at the fact that the three people she'd held most dear to her were gone.
Two by choice and somehow that makes it hurt a whole lot more.
Her eyes drift close and she begs for sleep to take her, she didn't want to think about how everything she'd done to erase them from her life had been for naught. She had every single memory stored in her brain, down to the last digit of their cell phone numbers.
She struggles to maintain a void in her mind, the late hours of the night makes her mind wonder.
She thinks that the worst part may be that she didn't know what she'd done.
Perhaps it was simple. She wasn't one of them.
And yet, every one of those thoughts contradicts her memories of who they were. Then again, every one of their actions has contradicted her opinion of them.
Eventually, the exhaustion takes over and she falls asleep clinging to her tear stained pillow.
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She figures out the routine; pretend you don't know me. Walk right past me. Don't even think about looking me in the eye.
She gets it; they'll all go their own way and they'll never have to deal with each other again. Her stomach tightens up at the thought but she plays this little game of avoidance and she assumes Logan would follow suit.
Only he doesn't and she doesn't know what's worse; being completely ignored or being completely hated.
She does know that her heart sinks when Duncan looks through her like a glass window.
She does know that her heart races when Logan throws harsh words at her and shatters whatever window stood between them.
And she's left with the day old question of which is worse; feeling nothing or feeling everything?
She wishes she were as numb as Duncan seemed but there's a part of her that's glad she's not. She's glad that she can feel. Because if she can feel the bad now, someday, one day, she's bound to feel good too, isn't she?
Her eyes catches Logan's and despite everything she hopes that it reigns true for him as well...
...because they used to be friends and despite her greatest attempt of erasing him from her life, she can't and maybe she doesn't particularly want to.
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A/N so this was uploaded using the
fanfiction mobile app so I'm not sure how the format is yet... the internet was too slow on my laptop and it just refused to upload