Title: I Want To Be Moved
Author: ScullyAsTrinity
Rating: R, implied sexual situations... implied Lisa? Or implode?
Category: Romance, angst
Characters: Neo, Trinity
Spoilers: Just pre-Matrix, before they get Neo on the ship.
Summary: Trinity speculates. It's kinda broken up, but it's supposed to be. You know when you think about something and jump to something else? That's how fast she's thinking.
Thanks: To... no one really. No, you know what? Thanks to my lovely hat! Oh and I must thank Bravo for the West Wing Marathon, also choice. Heh.
---
I'm not allowed to feel passion. But I want to. I want to feel what everyone else does, and so much more. I don't want to feel passion like it's common knowledge, I want to feel it like no one's ever felt it before, I want to feel it like I've never felt it.
I'm not really supposed to have emotions, not supposed to feel like a human should feel, though I'm more human than most of the people aboard this ship. They know and I know that this place is without emotion or feeling. It's without color, no matter how much we deny that fact.
It's possible for a spirit to diminish even when it's fighting for the fate of the world. It's possible to be lonely even when you're surrounded by people. It's possible to want when wanting just isn't possible.
My reason for being here is because you will inevitably be here. My purpose is for you, not for myself. That is what they want me to think. I know that this is what Morpheus wants me to think. I'm not here for myself, nor will I ever be, but it's hard to extinguish the flame that is lit within me. This is the flame which helps me to detach myself from everyday life, to be emotionless, to ignore the little things, to allow me to kill without remorse. If we weren't in a war against the machines I would say that I am a machine, I am put here for a purpose. It's my fate. Then again, I don't want to believe in fate, it would mean that I'm not in control of my own life. And I want to be. I want you.
Regardless if I'm meant to love you or not, I want you. I want what everyone else has, I want love and security and passion and unbridled lust that brings me to my knees just by conjuring the feeling.
Now though, now I'm running away from it, even though I do crave it. Fear is instilled in me from the thought of wanting someone that much and then having that. The pure submission I'd be willing to give if I loved you that much. The Oracle never said how much I was supposed to love, just that I would. Would your breath be enough to sustain me through the night? Would your existence provide me with the reason to fight for this, our cause?
We together will have a holy cause, but you will be the savior. I'll be kicked to the backburner but will I be able to sustain myself on your cause? Am I to stand before the devil and present my cross? Too many questions, too much speculation. I'm so tired of this will that I'm supposed to have, this duty I'm supposed to be rather than being myself. I need to feel, I want to feel. I want that brief reprise when it doesn't matter than I'm not tall enough, not fast enough, not pretty enough. I want that moment when I can taste your skin and be whole, but want more. I need that moment when your lips are on mine and I drown and am reborn in your vision.
Then, then there is the complete and purely carnal sense. I need to see the colors when you're too much, in me. I need to feel the frenzied rush of your thrusts, your hair brushing over my brow as you stare down at me. I need to feel the love that you love for me when you push into me for the final time and love me for eternity. Will I ever feel that? Am I meant to feel that? The Oracle never said you were to love me back. I want to feel your skin slide against mine. I want to slide. I want to feel the sweat on your brow when you are moving over me, feel the tense pull of muscles in your back as you strive to complete. I want to feel the world tilt when you finish and scream your name and make you bleed and take your breath into me and live.
It would be wonderful if I cried as you do. In the night... It would be wonderful if I could brush my hands over your cheeks when you pretended that you didn't want to cry, didn't need to cry. I want to bring you to tears and build you back up again. Solitary in my own fear of you fearing you would be weak in front of me. I'd want that too, want you be weak, and I'd be weak. We'd be nothing together. At the same time, we'd be everything... we would be the world. Could you let go that easily? Could I? Could you possibly need and want and feel this as much as I do?
Wondering what your skin would feel like, I can't help it. How warm it would be, how liquid. When your tears would fall upon the crest of your cheekbones it would be refreshing and renewing. In the night, when we're upon each other it would feel like the rain that is cooling the heated pavement in the summer. It would taste like cultured black pearls, salt- water taffy and home. Your hands would feel like a softly treading dictator and a submissive child. And your eyes, your eyes would everything that is free and the Maple trees in autumn and the wild frenzy of the wind that blows over the northern mountains. There, there is where I'd find refuge. I will find refuge.
What of your mouth? What of your lips? Perhaps soft pillows or perhaps a firm line of addictive cocaine that I simply cannot get enough of. Perhaps they are my damnation and my salvation. Both at once?
Would you set me aflame? Can you?
I dare not speculate how good it would feel. How wonderful it would be in the night, when we would love each other that much with that much passion. I dare not speculate when we let the loving subside and we feel lust. Lust for one another and the world and how alive we would be. I can't comprehend how much you would burn through me, touching my soul, letting me know that it was all meant to be and you simply cannot get enough.
I can't keep on like this, to want and not have. I've turned to stone, completely disregarding my own feelings. The hot blush on my cheek when I watch you in the evening. It's all suppressed and I'm ready to let it loose. Bit by bit, I'm going to become. I'm going to become myself... finally.
I'm going to stand here and wait. I want to be moved. By you. I need to be.