AN: Years ago, when I was just a hatchling, this mess of a story was born. And now that I've come of age (ugly duckling)... unleashed this.. fic. Please, don't spare me for my wrong grammar. Go ahead, shower and spank me with corrections and comments about my writing.
Castiel sat alone on the rooftop with a beer bottle in hand. He lit up a cigarette with the zippo and inhaled the tobacco. But he coughed out the tendrils of smoke came out from his mouth. He belatedly remembered that smoking was not his friend. And wondered how on earth did the box of a cigarette ended up on his hand that Gabriel stashed it on the cupboards. And secondly, he got a gastric problem which acidic drinks and food were a big no-no. Least example is the beer he's holding, midway towards his mouth as he belatedly realized his dumbness.
Why oh why? He let out a long-suffering sigh and lie down on the cold hard roof. Eyes stared blankly into the dark night dusted with stars twinkling down at him.
"Tomorrow... I'm going to meet Dean."
The pain still seared and strike him every time he looked into those forest green eyes. How those eyes once stared back at him with disgust and hatred. How this man's words tortured and tear him into pieces. Dean destroyed him.
(Flashback)
They were young when they fell in love. Dean was 16 and Cas was 18. In those five months of their secret relationship, they explored each other's warmth. Learned each other's weakness and fears and never failed to say those magical words that made their relationship stronger.
And one time, Dean missed saying those words. That was an unlucky day for him for he can't go near to his boyfriend. Cas' big dick brothers kept a stink eye on him every damn time. But he didn't stop and past slip the moment as he saw Cas approached their car.
"Cas!" Dean shouted and let out a sigh of relief as Cas' head whipped quickly to him. "Cas, I—" But the crowd cut off those words as he stumbled upon the flow of the throngs of people. And he struggled, pushed out away from the crowd. "Cas, I love you!"
Dean's heart melted as Cas smiled and mouthed back the words. His day was complete even though he took the wrong bus and ended up walking back home.
(Present)
"I don't want to ruin the life he had now, Sam. He' happy—"
Sam crossed his muscled arm on his chest, "Oh, you're wrong—"
"Sam, we're done 11 years ago. The Dean who loved me died 11 years ago—"
Finally, Sam raised his hand and leaned back on his seat. But the moose opened is mouth and eyes round and begging. "The truth.. he's not that happy."
Cas furrowed his brows, "Oh. Really? He got Lisa and Ben." He never meant to sound sarcastic but his temper moves up to notch.
Open-minded Sam didn't bite back. Instead, he intensified his begging puppy eyes. "You know, Dean's not the real father of Ben. He took the responsibility 'cuz Ben's real father was a douchewad. Their marriage has a crack before it happened. And now things between him and Lisa got worse." He stopped as Cas' eyes widened. "Look, Cas I'm not sayin' you took advantage and I don't want to be unfair of how you felt towards my brother. I know you're still hurting of what he'd done to you."
Sam's words stung and Cas' eyes too. But he bit back the tears and inhaled sharply. "Yup, he destroyed me big time." His voice wavered a bit.
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have to and I understood how you cared and loved your brother. But I can't do what you want." Cas clenched his fist and held Sam's begging puppy eyes across the table.
Sam nodded and looked down apologetically on his coffee.
"But I can still be.. friends."
Sam looked up, eyes widened in surprise and let out a breathy, "Oh, Cas.." He stood up hastily and pulled Cas. He wrapped his long arms to Cas in a tight awkward hug. Cas grunted as the sharp-edged of the table dug on his hip painfully. Before the protests, Sam pulled away and let him go, beaming ear to ear. And wiped his tears as he chuckled. "Man, sorry I-I got carried away." He punched Cas' arm playfully. "Thanks, Cas."
Cas swallowed the bile rising up his throat and pushed down the voice telling him how wrong his decision right now. "You're welcome."
Sam clapped his shoulder, "Well, see ya tomorrow."
Cas smiled tightly, "Of course."
(Past: After the break up)
Gabriel paced back and forth, scruffling angry steps. His honey brown hair whipped every time he turned back to Cas. "Have you check yourself lately in the mirror? Literally? You've got dirty long disgusting nails, long hair—that beard-ugh! And look at how thin you are! You're worst than a rockstar on a dope!"
Cas sat fort on the couch, knees tucked and caged on his thin arms. "Gabe, are you really blind?" He squinted suspiciously towards his brother.
Gabriel stopped, huffed and sat beside him. "I'm blind but can't be fooled. Ugh!" He ran his hand through his locks and screwed his face in disgust. "You smell like ass!" He throws a pillow to Cas who dodged it easily. "Balthy told me everything about your teeny-weeny-lovey-dovey Dean-ey."
Cas only sigh and watched Gabe stood up again and stomped angrily towards the kitchen. And he's amazed how his brother didn't bump on the mess he'd made. Gabe opened the fridge and hummed happily. But he bellowed and turned back to Cas who hunched down more.
"What have you've done?!" Gabe crunched the empty tub of triple chocolate ice-cream on his hand. "You want to suffer more with your gastroenteritis! You swallowed the whole leviathan, Cassy!"
Cas blew his hair and made Gabe pissed.
"That's it. I can't take this anymore! Gabe turned and ended up facing the wall. "I can't take this shit you've done to yourself!" He raised his cane and pointed the wall. "If you say miserable and stayed like that without helping yourself then better pack your things!"
Cas didn't know if he expected this or he expected worse. He lost his job for being sick in weeks after Dean broke up with him. Now, he's broke. Totally broke. And he can't help but let out a sob as tears streamed down his face.
"And now you're crying while the person you cried for is spending his honeymoon with his wife!" Gabe throws the empty tub onto the wall and it bounced back smacking square on his face. He inhaled sharply and gritted his teeth. "Oh, really? That's rich, Cassy. Okay, I'm done with all of your drama." He trudged to the door and left slamming the door shut hard that Cas felt the walls shook.
He stood up, "Gabe...Gabe!" This is his fault. Why can't he fix this mess? He goes to the door but his stomach gurgled and so he beelines towards the bathroom.
After the excruciating pain, he stared himself in front of the mirror. Now, he just only realized how fucked up he is and really see himself. The effect of what Dean had done. No, he's the one who did this to himself.
His light brown hair is a sticky mess that he can't run his fingers through the tangled oily, smelly hair. His itchy long beard, dark circles under his puffy red-rimmed eyes. The dirt trapped on his long uneven nails and even his breath stinks. His skin paler than a sheet of paper, Hell, his ribs clear beneath his skin.
He called Gabriel and apologized nonstop of how stupid and dumb he is. Gabriel told him to replace the ice cream he consumed. It's a cue Gabriel forgive him. Always forgiven him. After that, he called Balthazar and accepted back the job he long was forgotten. His cousin happily and excitedly scheduled his interview.
Next, he goes to Charlie's Saloon. He's greeted with widened eyes either shock or surprised but the redhead beckoned him inside. Charlie fluidly goes to work mode and does the makeover. Three hours later, he stared unbelievably on his freshly shaven face, short cropped now dyed in raven black hair. He examined his now clipped clean nails.
Charlie nudged him playfully, "If I didn't play on the other team, I might tap that." She slapped Cas' rear and Cas flinched. "Next, let's put back those toned muscles of yours." She beamed and called his girlfriend Gilda.
Three weeks he hoed up inside Gabe's apartment and drowned himself on his stories. Well, Balthazar never seized calling the publishing company whose interested on his story. Most of his relax time spent at the gym.
Five months later, he's back in shape. Back in everything he threw out of the window when Dean left him. Now, he forgot Dean existed in his life. Well, not that really-erased-out-of-my-life-totally-forgot-him thing. Because Dean never failed to disappear on his mind and heart. He accepted that they're done. Dean dumped him and he's done moping too.
It's still hard when the news and mags where Dean's face strewn all over announcing their concert tour that still made his stomach flutter. But the promise on avoiding Dean at all cost was been stolen by Sam and destroyed none other than himself. Again.
His phone rang, Gabriel on the other line. "Hey bro, I don't want to ruin your peaceful state right now but Michael and Anna are on their way to capture you."
Cas hang up and ran towards his duffel sat on the lumpy bed. He pulled out his things and stuff on the duffel. Hands shook with every harsh movement he made. Yep, 11 years ago he withdrew 12 million dollars from their family's account and donated it to Dean. Dean's band were in a bad shape in those moments. The music studio they only got from Dean's deceased parents was on the list of demolishing. All because of the mortgage, unpaid taxes, and debts.
Dean never knew what Cas did and the big amount money comes from. He's more in love with Dean those moments when Dean's all happy and sunshine that the studio's saved by the hands of demolishing team. Cas' younger brother Alfie whose too young for uttering the words:
'Castiel's heart was always at the right place.'
But Michael harshly took those beautiful away after they knew Dean dumped him. 'Too much foolish heart you might say.'
Cas grunted and pushed the heels of his palm on his eyes to stop the tears from spilling. He took a few calming breaths and zipped the duffel shut. The doorbell rang as he stood and beelines to the bathroom. He opened the small window and managed to escape as he heard the main door burst open. As soon as he landed on the ground, he runs as fast as he can.
Chapter 2
Castiel panted, clutched the duffel on his hand and goes inside the diner. Cinnamon, coffee, fried meat, and vanilla wafted and greeted his flaring nostrils. Outside, Anna and Michael wandered through the throngs of the car on the parking area. He slumped down on the nearest table when Anna whipped her head inside the diner.
Cas sat still, held his breath as Anna slowly approached the diner. She's standing on the door but Micheal called her. Cas exhaled in relief as they both turned and walked away from the diner. A clearing of throat cut off his reverie.
"Are you okay there, buddy?" A gruff voice, familiar and soothing asked him across the table.
Cas looked up and started upon meeting forest green eyes. Dean. He inhaled sharply, eyes widened as saucers. Why oh why? And Dean noticed his uneasiness as he tentatively asked again.
"Are those guys tailing you?" Dean asked the obvious though not to pry but in curiosity.
Cas wanted to run away but his body betrayed him and he can't move a muscle. Now he wanted to disappear at the same time want to answer Dean's question and act calm. But his jaw froze and they stared for a few minutes. The muttering voices, clanks of silverware drowned by the silence between them.
'Wait a minute. He called me buddy. Huh. He doesn't recognize me.' A pang of pain slapped him and brought him back to reality. Thankfully, his body now cooperated.
"Yeah, I'm good." Cas stretched his lips in an attempt of a smile but ended up like a leer. Dean stared more at him and before he could recognize him, Cas stood up hastily. "I'm sorry to bother you." He turned away on his heels and exited the booth.
"Wait!"
Cas stopped dead in his tracks. Dean's hand rested on his shoulder. He turned around stiffly. Oh, now he recognized me. But Dean thrust his duffel and clapped his shoulder once more as snatched back the innocent duffel.
"Listen, not for prying but I think those goons were lurking in the corner and once you're outta here they're goin' to hunt and fry your ass. If you need help—" Dean scratched his nape and smiled nervously. "I know you can't trust a stranger like me but here." He gives a note with a scribbled number on it. "That's my personal number. And I'm Dean by the way." He thrust his hand to Cas.
Cas stared to Dean than to his hand. He took the paper but not Dean's hand and walked away with a duffel in hand. He never looked back and swallowed the bile rising up as he crumpled the paper. He stopped as his emotions knocking up the wall inside his head and dangerously put cracks.
He missed him so much. But up until now Dean's oblivious and never acknowledge of what he felt. Even though he spat those three words, in the end, he chooses Lisa. And now, he regretted his promise to Sam.
Cas crashed face first on the lumpy couch. He winced as his cheek hit the springs beneath. Gabe whisked something slimy on the bowl. "You what exactly?"
Cas groaned and mumbled, "I accidentally met Dean on the random diner as I escaped Mic and Anna. And he doesn't recognize me at all."
Gabe sniffed the slimy green goo and screwed his face in disgust. "Oh, how tragic." He shuffled back to the kitchen and dumped the bowl in the sink.
"And Sam invited me to his wedding tomorrow." Cas waited for Gabe's tantrums to be unleashed but the short stack didn't budge. "Dean's going of course."
Finally, Gabe turned to him and crossed his arms on his chest. "I can't let you do those stupid things again. And watched killing yourself slowly. Let me talk to moose and canceled everything. I don't care how rude that might be—"
"Don't do that."
"Hey, I will!" Gabe snapped and rummaged the contents on the kitchen counter.
"Don't." Cas grounded out sternly and maybe Gabe felt his anger for he slumped his shoulders in defeat.
"Cassy, please!" Gabe let out a long hideous whine.
"I will face him. But this time, I won't let my mistakes eat me up again."
Gabriel whined more, "It's not that baby brother. I can't help but be worried when it involved the man who caused you grief."
Castiel goes to Gabe and hugged him. "I know. A bit like I said I won't let that happen again."
Gabriel pulled away and pinched his cheeks. "Don't be so sure. Unexpected things happened all the time." Cas swatted his hand but he ruffled his hair before he walked back to the sink. "But I'll always be here."
(Past)
It's one of those moments where their relationship had those challenges where yelling was involved. Cas walked in on Dean making out with Bela. Dean explained that Bela jumped on him first. So, he forgives him. But it happened again on the campus grounds where everyone cheered. After that incident, he gives Dean a cold shoulder until he snapped. Dean yelled and pushed him.
He landed on the floor and Dean watched him taken aback of what he'd done. Cas flinched when Dean hesitantly reached out for him.
Gabriel stomped angry steps, advancing to Cas' personal space. "You're crying. You're crying for that asshole, douche—"
"That's not—"
"You're crying I can smell it! I heard your wail, hideous pig sobs! You're crying—"
"Because you stepped on my foot!" Cas sniffed, tears streamed down his eyes.
Gabriel's anger subsides and blinked. "Oh, that explains I suddenly grew a few inch taller." He beamed and stepped away from Cas' toes. Now red from Gabe's boot with steels heels.
Cas hissed and slumped down on the floor.
"Did I broke a bone?"
Cas glared to Gabe, "Why on earth you're wearing that strange boots of yours?!"
"Oh, Cassy. I'm sorry, okay?"
"Just face the wall, Gabriel."
Gabe turned and didn't notice he face the wall. "Don't treat me like a kid. I'm the older brother here. But seriously, I know how hard to do this on your part. And it's easy to say 'Stay away from him'." He sighed, "But that's one of the first steps for keeping you safe."
"I guess I'm torturing myself forever, huh?" Cas smiled weakly. Gabriel slumped down beside him and hugged him. "Just give me this chance to be with him."
Gabe ruffled his hair and flicked his nose. Cas punched him back on the shoulder. "Whatever. You're a big crybaby after all. But I'll always be here."
(Present)
The day has come for Sam's wedding. Tha day has come for Cas' torture. Surprisingly, Jessica: Sam's wife knew about his and Dean's history and his current job as a ghostwriter. The party goes loud and enjoyable but on Cas' part, it's quite the exact opposite as he nervously spent his time with the bottle wine along with Jess and Sam's friends on the table. His eyes darted in every corner hoping Dean wouldn't notice him.
Dean's on the other side of the table accompanied by his bandmates. Lisa's not present on his side. Cas cursed and sputtered on his drink when Dean met his gaze. His heart pounded wildly as Dean approached on his side of the table. He took a deep breath and held himself together. This is it.
Dean stood beside him and flashed his gorgeous smile and Cas' heart risen up to his throat. He nearly hyperventilates but masked it with a hesitant smile.
"Hey, it's you."
Cas clenched his fist and nodded, "Yeah, it's me."
He heard Meg snickered on his left side and muttered, "Oh, just grab him." He looked at her as Meg rolled her eyes. She's one of the circles of Jess' friends. The look she gives on him and Dean made the hair on his nape stood. Meg winked at Cas, stood and left with a smirk.
Dean bit his lower lip and gestured to the abandoned seat. "May I?" Cas shrugged and Dean sat down beside and took a sip on the wine. "So, uhh..this is awkward." I'm glad you're here."
"Sam invited me." Cas replied downing his glass of wine. The alcohol on his drink hadn't kicked him yet.
"Oh." Dean nodded. "Before you walk out again on me, this time, may I know your name?"
Cas looked up and met Dean's pleading gaze. He considered and weighing things. "Castiel."
Dean nodded, "Castiel." He repeated, smiling. "It's an odd name but I think I heard it somewhere." He furrowed his brows.
Cas inner thoughts shouted deep inside. "How you forget me, Dean?" And he's too late to realize he said it out loud. Drunk mode kicked in wrong time.
Dean looked him now alarmed, "What do you mean? Have we met before?"
For every basic question, Dean asked, Caszoned out while his guts turned upside down. The pain is thrice than a punch in a gut. Why is he even here? Why is he even talking to Dean? Gabriel's inner voice mocked him with I told you so.
Cas stammered, hands fisted the tablecloth, fiddled the knife, fork and twirl the empty wine glass. He can handle this. He squared his shoulders and held Dean's concern gaze. "You and I met 14 years ago." He watched Dean's eyes dramatically widened. "You and I had a thing." He stopped breathing and called out for somebody up there to zap him now. ASAP.
Dean, however, stitching up those two sentences, brows furrowed and deep in his thoughts. "Huh."He leaned back on his seat. "I'm sorry but I really don't remember." He said apologetically and looked down at the empty wine glass on the table.
Cas supposed to be pissed by that excuse but somehow the way Dean said it made him concerned. "Dean?"
Dean looked up and met Cas' eyes again and there's sorrow in there. But in a flash, it's gone. Dean masked it with a smile. But Cascan read the unsaid words in his eyes. His fingers twitched and wanted to reach Dean's hand rested a few inches away from his hand. But he was cut off by the sounds of clinking glass and Dean stood up and left.
Hours later, he never knew how he ended up drunk, hugging the toilet bowl and headed out the contents he'd consume earlier. The surroundings spinning endlessly and he can't even balance on his feet. There's a comforting hand on his back, running soothing gentle circles. Those hands guided him leaned his back on the cold tile wall.
"Okay, from the looks of it, you can't handle driving back on your own ." A female voice said beside him. Cas blinked out the haziness and recognized Jess.
"I can take me back home—" He slurred back but Jess ignored him and called someone. "—without crashing Gabe's car—" Then another voice came in. He shut his eyes and listened on the conversation going on.
"Cas here drank the whole liquor store," Jess said and Cas snickered.
Cas heard a sigh and a familiar voice, "Okay, I got this. I'm gonna drive and take him to his home. Safely." Cas didn't catch what happened next when sleep took over.
The next moment, there were hands again maneuvered him to stand. Maybe he sleepwalks because the next moment he opened his eyes, he's slumped inside a car. Oh, wait maybe this is a dream. Dean's rigid back was evident. Oh yeah, this is one of those precious moments with Dean before.
He smiled dopily and slurred, "I love you.."
Dean whipped his head and looked at him.
"I love you..two..three..four..forever.." And he shut his eyes. Wait a minute, this is weird. But consciousness knocked out by his sleep. He's falling into darkness again and again. But there's a voice, whispered words laced with sadness nudged him.
'I'm sorry..' Fingers ran through his hair trailed down his face, tracing gentle soothing circles on his cheek. A gentle swipe of thumb on his bottom lip.
'Cas, I'm sorry..I'm so sorry..' He wanted to open his eyes but it was like his eyelids glued shut and the whole body shuts down. He wants to tell Dean.
(Past)
Highschool days had too many cheesiest moments. There's a wall located on the rooftop of the campus building. They called it the freedom wall either you can punch it or let out your emotions through words. It's an outlet for every angst stage of each teenager in the campus.
Quotes from books, songs, random scribbled words written on the wall. But there's a single question scribbled on the left side corner that caught Cas' attention and interest. He answered it and on the next day, the strange conversation was begun. By and by, each word went long and spilling secrets that only the two of them knew.
On the third week, Cas stayed late inside the library and goes to the rooftop to take a breather. Instead, he's surprised to see the person stood in front of the wall writing a reply on Cas' latest question. Cropped light brown hair, broad shoulders, bow-legged, green forest eyes and a pen on hand.
"Hey, it's you." Dean said green eyes widened as he slowly lowered his hand holding the pen.
Cas swallowed as he approached Dean, "Yeah, it's me." He hesitantly smiled, "How..did you know?"
"Well, your eyes the bluest color I've ever seen since you-uhh" Dean scratch the back of his neck, "You write that on the wall."
Cas convinced, thrust his hand towards Dean. "My name's Castiel Novak."
Dean blinked and beamed, "Dean Winchester. " He shook Cas' hand and let go after 18 seconds passed. "That's an odd name."
And that's the beginning of their friendship. They ended up best buds and Cas was not aware is falling dangerously in love with Dean. But Dean was aware and beat Cas on spilling the beans by writing the three words on the wall. Cas shell-shocked and answered Dean with a kiss.
They both agreed on their secret relationship. Cas' family was all homophobes except Gabriel whose played rebel with his quirks. Sam just knew because he's that smart or Dean's was too obvious on his eye stare towards Cas. And Sam proved how he understood for he grabbed Dean away from Bela who wants to get inside his pants.
They reached their second year anniversary when everything changed its course. Cas waited for Dean on the rooftop. But Dean never appeared and that's not the reason Cas heart shattered. Sam called him and telling him Dean's on the hospital. A drunk driver crashed the Impala badly. And that's not the worst part.
As Cas entered to Dean's ward, Lisa was there holding his hand. He looked away when Dean asked Lisa to marry him. Cas turned and walked away. His whole world crumbled into pieces but the words they scribbled on the wall stayed.
Cas winced as he took a sip from his coffee cup. The clanking of the kitchen utensils from the kitchen of the diner and muffled noises pounded inside his skull. He pushed the phone slowly across the table. "Sam called me this morning and I told him that you forgot your phone in my place. Thanks by the way for dropping me home last night."
Dean held his phone and avoided Cas' gaze. He smiled hesitantly and licked his lower lip. Cas swore Dean eyed his lip before wetting his own with his tongue.
"Are you okay?" Cas asked hesitantly.
Dean looked up, started and blinked. "What?"
"You seemed twitchy—"
"Hangover..just the hangover." Dean chuckled nervously and scratched his nape. "Uhm, and I was kinda curious you know. I mean, you said you knew me. How come? No offense. My brain's scrambled the memories I had from the past and that's' because of the accident." Cas shoulder turned rigid and he watched Dean took a deep breath. "But..even If I don't remember you, I got this strange connection towards you. And I want to know what you are to me. What you are in my life. It's more than a thing of what we've had from the past. Am I right?"
Cas bit the inside of his cheek, "Yes." Dean sucked his breath. "Please, stop being sorry. It happened and we can't turn back time. I won't ruin of what you have right now."
He flinched when Dean held his hand, eyes pleading, "No, Cas. Please, I want to know. Please, tell me."
'I love you. I will always love you.' Dean cupped Cas' face and touched their foreheads together.
'And I love you too.' Cas kissed Dean's forehead, 'three..' Kissed Dean's cheek, 'four..forever.' He kissed Dean's lips.
Cas pried his hand away from Dean's hold. He stood with shaky legs. "No." He croaked out, "It's for your own good not to know."
Dean's hand clenched into a fist and glared daggers at Cas. "It's not your place to tell me that."
Cas held Dean's gaze, "Right back at you." He bit back and walked away from Dean.
Gabe's right, he should've declined Sam's invitation to the first place. Meeting Dean was like opening the wounds from the past. Spilling it to Dean was like opening the point of no return and that'll ruin Lisa and Ben's life. No, this is enough. If Dean wanted to know he should discover it on himself.
Crap, he's scared of going back to the life he left behind. The life whom he ruined. No matter how he blamed himself and Dean over and over, it'll not change everything. So, he'll walk away again. Away from Dean.
A hand on his shoulder startled him and he hastily turned around. Dean fell down on his knees, "What I've done to you in the past and this.."He clenched his hand on his chest, "..how I felt towards you is the only thing that keeps me sane. And the same time torturing me. Forgiveness doesn't fit of what I did to you I guess."
Cas looked away and reached Dean's shoulder. "Dean, please don't do this." He tried to haul up Dean but Dean pushed his hand away and stood shakily.
"I won't ask anything but this, Cas."
"It's too much." Cas whispered weakly.
"Then I won't leave you if things stumble down."
Cas chuckled dryly, "Just so you know that's the first thing you did when you.." He trailed off and kicked himself mentally.
Dean's curiosity perked up and he stood near to Cas, "That bad?.." Cas nodded and he ran a hand down his face. "Okay, I get it now." He took a deep breath, "Okay, I uhh—fuck!" Tears streamed down his eyes and shoulder shook as he took calming breaths.
Cas alarmed reached for Dean who backed away from him. Dean wiped his tears, face contorted in pain, beads of sweat formed on his forehead. He chuckled and clutched his hair. Teeth clenched, "This is how fucked up I am right now. Fuck!" He hid his face on his arm and muffled a sob. Cas stepped closer to Dean. "Just go away before this thing gets worst."
Cas clenched his hand into a fist and stepped away. He texted Sam but he was cut off as Dean fell unconscious on the ground. "Dean!"
Memory lapses. Throwing up. Severe migraine attacks. Brain tumor. It escalated quickly and triggered after the accident. Dean suffered and struggled for every chemo session. Day by day his memories become a blur. Lisa and Ben don't even know. No one knew except Sam whose the one diagnosed his brother. And promised not to tell a single soul even if it hurts watching his brother wore that mask and deep inside dying.
"Why didn't you tell me, Sam?" Cas clenched the tablecloth as his throat closed. His emotions welled up and too much to handle.
Sam from across the table swallowed and dodged Cas' gaze. "I'm sorry..any moment will be his last and this is the only thing I can give it back to him through you. He held on those memories, Cas and it's fading out. So maybe if he remembers you he'll .." Sam clenched his jaw, " live longer and passed the deadline the doctors give to him."
Cas didn't expect any of this. God, Dean's dying. He doesn't even consider things because he sticks to his pride and a coward. "You should've told me." He grounded as tears welled down from his eyes.
"I never planned this out, okay? Because I'm aware of how much he hurt you and you hated him—"
"I still loved him." Cas whispered hoarsely. "And how much I badly want to win him back since our paths crossed accidentally on the other day." He watched Sam blinked in disbelief. "From there, I knew there's something wrong with. He doesn't recognize me at all."
Understanding dawned on Sam's features and he smiled, "Then win him back."
(Present)
Dean opened the bottle of ketchup and smeared the red slimy liquid all over his fries. Cas watched him as he remembered the same moment happened before. And so, he asked the same question he did before.
"What are you doing?" A smile crept up Cas' lips as he watched Dean fondly.
"Oh, nothing. I'm just making love with my fries." And it's the same answer Dean had replied. "Try it, it's good when they're messy like this." Dean popped a fry coated with ketchup onto his mouth.
Cas smiled, "I didn't know you have a kink for this." He reached the bottle as Dean handed it to him and dumped a huge dollop on his fries.
Deam munched happily, "Where did you get that?" Upon Cas' furrowed brow, he eyed the ring pendant hanging on Cas' neck.
Cas clutched the cool metal ring and twirled his finger and he hesitated. "Uhm, a gift from a friend way back high school days."
"Huh, it's the same design Lisa wore—Oh, wait a minute!" Dean rested his arms on the table and leaned closer to Cas, eyes turned to slits as he stared at him suspiciously. "Maybe Lisa's the friend who gave you that."
Cas exhaled and chuckled, "No, that's way too impossible. She doesn't have the evergreen eyes of my ex." He stopped and looked alarmingly at Dean.
Dean slumped back in his seat and grinned, "Oooooh, I get that." He took a big bite of his burger and having a difficult chewing it.
"My ex-boyfriend likes apple juice." Cas waited for a bomb to drop.
"Oh, same here." Dean grabbed the glass of water and took large gulps. His face turned somber, "I really want to remember everything." He looked down and took a deep breath. "I don't this emptiness..swallowing me slowly."
And just like Dean's mistakes never happened as Dean's words made the wall crumble. Cas took Dean's hand and held it. Dean started but when he met Cas' eyes he relaxed.
"I'm such mess." Dean smiled weakly.
"And so am I." Cas squeezed Dean's hand. He will fix this even if it'll destroy him the second or million times around.
Everything should start back from the beginning. And it's a slow process, to begin with. But on Dean's case, he's catching up fast like those memories were waiting for Cas to be unleashed. The way Dean looked at him never changed.
They stood in the middle of the road, on the pedestrian lane. Cas didn't move as Dean cupped his face and captured his lips. People crossed as the traffic lights turned red. And in a blink, Dean stepped back, wide-eyed.
"Oh, shit. Cas, I-I'm sorry I got carried away all of a sudden because of your eyes—your eyes.." Dean's breath hitched, "I remembered doing that.."
Cas tugged Dean's hand and crossed the road before the traffic lights turned green. He met Dean's startled gaze, "It's alright. Don't hold back this time and just let it go."
Dean's troubled lines on his forehead gone as he smiled and squeezed Cas' hand.
Gabriel's apartment was eerie silent when they got inside. Dean wandered around and touched things familiar on him. Cas busied himself heating up some frozen pizza and worried about Dean's diet. He rummaged inside the fridge and grimaced at the huge leek sat atop the pile of Tupperware of leftovers.
"Should we order Chinese takeout or somethin' healthy? A salad suits your.." Cas closed the fridge when Dean didn't answer. "Dean?" He saw Dean stood in the middle of the living room clutching a tan trenchcoat.
Dean's hand trembled as he shut his eyes. Cas ran towards him. "Cas.." He opened his eyes, tears ready to fall. "I hurt you." He swallowed, "so bad—there's blood.."
Cas took Dean's hand on his own and held Dean's weary gaze, "It's not your fault. I provoke those douchebags because they won't leave you talking shit behind your back—"
"Those shitheads beat you." Dean grounded out.
Cas shrugged and smiled, "Well, I'm your knight in a tan coat sometimes."
Dean glanced down at the coat before he put it back on the hanger rack. "From the snippet flashbacks, it's obvious that you're my first."
Cas blinked and watched Dean's cheeks and neck turned beet red. "Wow, you remember our first vividly?"
Dean sat on the couch and crossed his arms over his chest, "Yep, I dreamed about it but again I can't recognize your face. Your voice does the trick and it fits when I met you in the diner that day."
There's a pang of guilt punch on Cas' gut. He watched Dean's weary eyes, the lines on his face, eyes, and forehead, his sunkist skin now dull and pale. Dark circles under his puffy bloodshot eyes, full lips cracked and a dull red. His cheekbones sharp and even his wrapped in his jacket, Cas knows he lost a lot of weight. Those bony fingers were enough evidence.
Cas suffered and so as Dean. Though he gives up easily and just walked away without fighting he does fuck up. It's on him. He swallowed the bile and sat beside Dean.
Dean turned to him and searched in his eyes, "Something wrong?"
Cas can't say it out loud and he reached out. He cupped Dean's face and leaned their foreheads together. "It's me..." He pulled away and looked into Dean's troubled eyes. "I didn't fight for you. I walked away after you chose Lisa—I—" He clutched the silver band hanging on his neck and Dean eyed it.
"What do you mean?"
They both flinched when a glass shattered on the floor. Gabriel bumping his cane and another vase fell. "Oh, jeez! What's wrong with this place?" He continued his trek towards the couch.
Dean stood up hastily and dodged down as Gabe waved his cane clumsily. Cas pulled Dean away and stood in front upon Gabe's swirling cane. He caught it fluidly."
"Cassy? You here again?" Gabe pulled back his cane away from Cas' grip.
Cas hissed as the cane rubbed against his palm hotly. "I lived here, Gabe—"
Gabe sniffed the air and Dean turned rigid, "Did I interrupted something? I swear to Dad there are pheromones in the air—"
"Alright, Gabe that's enough." Cas beckoned Dean towards the door and mouthed 'Go, save your life.' He fetched his coat on his way.
"Who's with you baby bro.?"
"No one and that's your socks your smelling." Cas stepped back until he reached the door. Dean waiting for him outside anxiously. "I gotta go!" He slam shut the door and run towards the elevator. Dean behind him hot on his heels.
"Who's that?"
"Gabriel, my older brother." Cas stepped inside the elevator and Dean followed suit.
"Does he knew me?" Dean asked timidly.
Cas pressed the button, "Yes, you guys had the same quirks yet hated each other."
"Oh, that explains the goosebumps. " Dean shivered and hugged himself.
But Cas knew it's more than that kind of cold so he put the tan coat on Dean's shoulder.
"Thanks, Cas." Dean smiled sheepishly. "So, where do we go now?"
"Let's get a grub first then to the place where we first met. Those fries didn't sit well and I'm still hungry."
Dean beamed ear to ear. "Guess you're a big boy eh?" He bumped his shoulders to Cas who smiled back.
After they famished their burgers and milkshake; whom Dean didn't touch his food and eyed it sadly. Cas took and ate it for him. Dean's appetite has lost its gusto even to his favorite food. They got inside the high school building and Dean eyed it suspiciously.
Cas squeezed Dean's hand gently, "Are you ready?"
Dean met his gaze and his worry lines melted away replaced with a reassuring smile. "Sure."
Good thing the elevators now were working unlike back in their days, you'll stick for days. And you're lucky enough if somebody could hear you hollered. Castiel's heart in his throat as they near their destination. He could tell Dean's on the same page as he fidgeted on the button on his jacket.
The elevator pinged and opened its door. They both winced upon the light as they emerged out. Clear blue sky expanded endlessly above them. The wind blew gently, car's engine and honks blurred in a muffled noise below the traffic road.
Cas smiled when he caught the thing they've been looking for. "There.." He pointed the wall covered in grime and molds.
Different colors of paint scribbled words written on the wall smudged and faded. Dean stood and stared at the wall as he slowly approached with careful steps. Cas followed and stood beside him. His eyes roamed upon the words. Cas waited nervously and seconds later he heard Dean's breath hitched. Cas followed Dean's eyes of where his attention zeroed in. And he bit the inside of his cheek.
The words on the left corner still clear and so as the painted handprints below the words.
Dean tentatively ran his fingers upon the words, their words. "It's not just a thing, isn't it?"
"Yes." Cas whispered and swallowed. "Call it a cliche but you're the most beautiful thing happened to my life. The best day.." He watched Dean's rigid back, fingers now splayed on the wall.
"We had the best moments when we're together, right? You and I made a promise."
Cas stopped as Dean turned around and face him. Dean's eyes glassy, fresh tears ran down his face.
"Our second year anniversary happened..the accident and I broke our promise in just snap." Dean bit bitterly yet his voice shook with sorrow and regret. "I pushed you away, yelled at you and—"
Cas pulled Dean into his arms and hug him, "No, you don't remember those times. You suffered amnesia after the accident—"
Dean pulled away and touched the ring rested between Cas' collarbone. "No, I remember."
"What?"
"I lied and I chose Lisa because I'm a selfish, coward hiding inside the closet. The media knew me of being a ladies man. And I'm afraid I'll lose everything if they knew that I played both teams. She's pregnant with Ben and the guy wouldn't take responsibility so I marry her." Dean wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his jacket. "And now, the puzzle's complete. I'm sorry for everything. God—" More tears streamed down his eyes. "I left you..I'm sorry.I'm so sorry—"
Cas hugged Dean back and held onto him. "I forgive you a long time ago. We're both young and stupid but I didn't regret meeting you. It hurts but we both survived and here, this second chance we had, we're going to savor and make new memories."He shut his eyes and Dean shuddered on his arms.
"Thank you." Dean whispered hoarsely.
Cas pulled back and looked Dean int eh eyed, "No, thank you. You changed my life since then. I had you in worst and you made it better." He remembered his family kicked him out after they discovered his sexuality. Dean was there and let him live in his room. He remembered the beatings he got from his brothers, the harsh words thrown at him like a knife covered in poison. Dean was there and lend his shoulder to cry on. "Tomorrow or the next days you won't remember this but I loved you. I love you."
Dean touched his cheek, "And I love you, too." He kissed Cas' forehead, "Three." Kissed Cas' cheek, "Forever." And kissed Cas' lips.
Cas watched Dean slumped on his side, eyes shut and trenchcoat securely wrapped around him. The loud patter of the rain drowned out his thoughts and emotions in a swirl. The gentle hum of the music on the radio didn't help for calming him down.
"What do you mean he's running out of time?" Cas clutched tightly on his phone.
He heard Sam sniffed, "It's grade 4 tumor..cannot be cured." His voice shook as he inhaled sharply.
Cas hung up and watched Dean stood, chin up, eyes shut and a content smile painted on his lips as he felt the sun's rays on his skin. He opened his eyes and caught Cas' worried gaze. Sam's words rang inside his head.
'Can't be cured..'
Dean sensed his distraught and wrapped his finger around Cas' wrist. "Hey, who pulled your panties in a bunch?"
Cas tentatively smiled and ignored Dean's touch cold on his wrist. He masked the pain with a furrowed brow. "I didn't wear one, Dean."
And his heart clenched upon hearing Dean's laugh on his corny joke. Crows feet appeared on the corners of his eyes and Cas stopped his tears from falling. "You never changed." Dean kissed him chastely and he yawned.
"C'mere." Cas pulled Dean on his arms, "Let's get you home."
Dean pouted playfully and leaned closer to Cas, rested his head on Cas' shoulder, "I'm already home." Another yan betrayed him. "Crap, don't like guess.." His eyes started to droop and Cas walked them back inside the elevator and back inside his car.
Cas' tears streamed down his face and muffled his sobs with a hand clutched on his mouth.
(Past)
Cas wore his reading glasses perched midway on the bridge of his nose. Clattered papers and pens atop his table. Dean's sat on the couch nose deep reading a book from of Vonnegut's works. As leaned back and stretched his arms above his head and groaned as he felt the pop on his back. He startled as Dean snatched his glasses away and put it on.
"Ho do I look?" Dean tapped his chip and waggled his brow.
Cas yawned and leaned back in his seat, "I'll do the critics if you give that back to me."
"No, sorry you big nerdy. I want to take a glimpse of your world. "Dean leaned down and kiss Cas' lips. "This is really nice. I could count your lady lashes, Cas."
Cas kissed Dean back as Dean eased down and straddled on his lap, arms circled on his neck. Cas ran his hands on Dean's back as the man shuddered and rested their foreheads together.
"I could stay like this..here with you..forever." Dean whispered.
There are no such things as happy endings in real life. Dean fought his way and struggled for three months. Cas was there beside him during his symptoms attacks. Most of the time he forgot but Cas made him remember. Not the just the worst part but the whole story of it. He doesn't care how many times he will tell it to Dean. All that matters is he remembered those times. Cas didn't care if he ended up voice hoarse as long as he put back the smile on Dean's face. It's the same of what happened in the past yet the difference is now he's fighting for it. He's fighting for Dean, for him to live longer.
When Cas held Dean, he always apologizes and muttered their three words as lulled back to endless slumber. Cas wrote their love story in a journal so when he's away Dean will read it and remembered. Sam was thankful and grateful on Cas for caring and staying with his brother.
Dean's seizure and fever got worst. He doesn't bother eating and Cas would sit beside him and ate him no taste liquid food. Later, Dean would join him. Dean getting weak every single day. The meds didn't help ease down the pain inside his head. Cas would let himself be the punching bag everytime the painful headaches attacked Dean.
Sunday morning, Dean nudged Cas, "Can we go back to that place?"
Cas blinked and wiped away his sleep upon hearing Dean not asking him of who he is. He bolted up and beamed, "Of course, Dean."
He put Dean down on his wheelchair and during the ride, he'd reached on Cas' hand and held it like it's his only thing to keep remembering the moment. Pushing Dean's wheelchair, Cas got nervous and pushed down the thought that this could be his last. He placed Dean in front, facing the wall and crouched down beside him.
Cas never left his gaze on Dean and held his wrist. Grounding himself as the weak pulse he felt beneath the pad of his fingers evident that Dean is still breathing. He started as Dean broke the silence between them.
"What if I said.I don't wanna die.. yet and that I wasn't ready. The life I live, the fame I do I pretty much just figured that's all there was to me, you know? Tear around, sing 'til my voice hoarse and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later I'd go out the same way I lived, pedal to the metal and that would be it. Recent events made me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. There are things, there are people, feelings that I-I want to experience differently than I did before, or maybe even the first time. Now, you give everything to me, Cas."
Dean's hand trembled as he rummaged inside his pocket. Tears stinging at the rim of Cas' eyes as Dean pulled out a ring. The ring matched on the one hanging on his neck. "And all I can give back to you is this." With trembling fingers, he held the ring towards Cas. "It's actually yours."
Cas took the ring and seen a glimpse of the carved name inside it. Dean's forever. He chuckled and wiped his tears, "I was supposed to bend my knee but you beat me But, here I go." He bends his left knee on the ground and pulled the ring hanging on his neck. "The truth is..I was going to propose to you but you beat me again. The difference was that you did it to Lisa." He sniffed, "Seems like this is our day." He smiled as Dean put the ring on his finger. It didn't fit now for there's a gap upon Dean's nimble thin fingers.
But Dean doesn't care as he watched in awe the ring on his finger and smiled dopily to Cas. "Now kiss me."
Cas complied and kissed Dean on the corner of his mouth. Dean looked at him strangely. "What?"
"I want to taste your mouth, tongue included." Even Dean said it teasingly, there's sincerity in his eyes. "If this is going to be my last day and you'll deny my request, I'll haunt you—"
Cas cut off Dean's blabbering with a kiss on his lips. Dean opened his mouth and welcomed Cas' tongue. Cas gasped upon Dean's tongue swirled deliciously, deeply and licked everything inside the mouth. Cas' hand gently held cradled Dean's head and face. While Dean's hand weakly clutched on the back of his neck and hair. They pulled away and rested their foreheads together as they panted.
"I miss you so much." Dean bumped their nose together. "I love you."
"I love you, too and that's forever. You'll be stuck with me forever. We wake up together and I'm gonna complain how you snore like and you'll complain back about the mess I made. And we're going to adopt a cat and—" Cas took a few deep calming breaths, "I will miss you."
Dean wiped Cas' tears with his thumb, "Of course, I'm not that easy to forget." He pinched Cas' cheek playfully. "Now you promise me—"
"Dean—"
"Cas, promise me that you make yourself happy. Do whatever things that make you happy. I'm always right here." Dean put his hand on Cas chest, above Cas' heart. "And maybe, I'll.." He stared blankly then blinked his eyes, "Crap, I.." He winced and held his head.
"It's alright, Dean." Cas held Dean in his arms, shushing him with gentle kind words on his ears.
The pain eased down as Dean's eyes shut, "Dean?" Cas whimpered and gathered himself to calm down. "Dean." Nothing. He peered down and saw blood running down Dean's nose and the corners of his mouth. "Dean!" Dean rested his head on his shoulder. "No, Dean wake up!" He held Dean's shoulder and touched Dean's pulse on the neck but found none. "No..no-no-no—Dean!" Blood smeared on his shirt as he carried Dean on his arms.
Dean weight like a paper on his arms as he ran inside the elevator and press the emergency button. He staggered as the elevator swayed and speed downwards. His mind blanks out while his body's on auto mode. One of the securities called 911 as he saw Cas emerged from the elevator.
"Just hold on, Dean. Everything's gonna be okay." He knew Dean won't hear him anymore. He knew Dean won't open his eyes anymore. He rocked Dean in his arms and nearly didn't let him go as the medics arrived and pried Dean away from his arms. As they arrived at the hospital, Sam knew then.
Cas clutched the ring and prayed to bring Dean back.
Cas sat alone on the rooftop with a journal on hand. "Hello, Dean. Today's our 28th wedding anniversary. Guess what? I'm still single and Gabe's kept pushing me on any dating service. Which I totally declined. Ben's dating the cheerleader on their school. Lisa's starting up a coffee shop business with Gabe. And oh, I named you after our cat. He got the same forest green eyes of yours and the same attitude. Sam, Jess, and their twins never wavered on visiting me every Sunday. So much changed now and I'm balding.
I miss you so much.
Dean, when we met again I won't any chance I get just to win you and fight my love for you. I'll take away your burden and pain.I will love you not just forever but for eternity and always.
-Cas-
P.S.
The Impala will be a part of history and Sam will suffer on our eye staring contest. He's going to be our third wheel.