It's not right. She knows that. She isn't stupid. She's read all the pamphlets, talked friends out of staying in bad relationships, even been part of a group that moved a girl out in the middle of the night. But this isn't that. Not really. She hit him first. She holds onto that fact. That she hit him, and he accidentally hurt her while he tried to stop it.
She pushes. She knows that. She's not easy to love, to live with, to stand next to even when she's trying to play the good wife. Phyllis was quick to remind her of that when she overstepped, tried to come between this new Billy and the woman who didn't want him to change, who loved him, not in spite of his flaws but because of them. It stung. Oh lord did it sting to know she'd lost him to her brother's ex…to his brother's ex.
Phyllis doesn't have clean hands no matter how you slice it, but…men like her. People like her. Even the ones that claim to loathe her will sit down and laugh with her, will call her up and invite her to be a part of things. Victoria has never had that. Not really. The few friends she made at school have faded into the background over the years. She's not close to her sister, or her brothers, not Adam when he was alive or Nick lately. Not really. And she's ruined things so thoroughly with Abby that she can't even pretend there's a way back in that relationship. It's deader than her goldfish that fell out the window in first grade.
Nick would save her if she needed it. Would come running to drag her out of trouble in a way that no one else would or could. No one, except maybe Billy. But, like Billy once the crisis was over, once the recriminations were finished and the tears were dry Nick would return to his life. It's a constant mess because like Dad he loves bad women more than he loves good sense. And like Dad he's no angel, never has been so perhaps he chooses women that reflect his own damage. Reflect the ways that men sometimes love women who have too much in common with their mothers.
She does that with men. Daddy issues turned into dating issues from her first crush onward. Some mistakes have been worse than others.
Billy was a mistake, an attempt to rectify the things within herself that she didn't like. That loud, reckless wild self that she buried under suits, and in brittle lunches with her father. Always seeking his approval, never quite getting it. A therapist would say that she's seeking that same approval from JT. A therapist would be so wrong, and yet so right because honestly, she ran over Billy so often since he needed her approval more than he needed to approve of her. Once he stopped wanting it, once it stopped mattering to him that he rise to meet his mother's standards…well, that's why divorces were invented. He'd done his work and gotten his reward.
JT is the work she didn't do. He was supposed to be her blonde knight all those years ago, a smutty angel in her bed. Angels fall. And sometimes the shine on the knight's armor isn't silver. It's ice. He can be a cold man out of bed, calculating in ways that infuriate other people. She understands him though, knows what it means to do the math on the best way to work the angles to get what you want. He wants her to be the wife of his dreams, someone softer and kinder, and he's chiseling away at the wall that she built around herself. Grew like a reef of sharp words and shrill nagging between occasional attempts at being that other woman. Maybe he can shave enough away for her to thaw a little. Around him if no one else. That's got to be his goal.
Phyllis calls her the ice queen. As does Abby. As did Billy. He wanted fire and fun, and a kind of moral flexibility that allowed for big mistakes with minimal recriminations because he didn't hold grudges. Not really. Not the way she does.
Did. Look, she's letting go with JT isn't she? Covering the bruises without him asking, breaking out turtlenecks and scarves in case the makeup isn't enough (or her mother's eagle eyes are on her neck and not her hand, Victor would try to ruin JT but Nikki…Nikki would kill him. Dead. No questions. No remorse. And would dare Paul to arrest her for it.), because she doesn't want this to fail too. She wants this to work. And hey, her Brash and Sassy concealer stash is more than enough for this one time.
It'll just be the once won't it? That's what he said, and if she doesn't lie to him, doesn't linger too long with Billy, or push too hard about Mac then they can make it through this part. She can try harder to be home, to be an active engaged partner who doesn't just talk about herself and work. She can certainly keep her hands to herself in an argument. That's not asking too much is it? No. It's her end of this tenuous bargain. She can hold it up. She has to.
As for the kids, well Reed always wants to be with his friends. They can ease back on that short leash he's been on since the DUI, he's so close to being 18 and college, maybe this can be a practice run at adulthood. Johnny and Katie…as much as she doesn't like Phyllis she can admit that Billy's right about her being good with the kids. They'll be fine there, she very carefully doesn't let herself think the word "safe", because that would cut too close to the bone of this new reality she's trying to build for herself. No, her kids will benefit from more time with their father. Billy always asks for it, and maybe JT's right, she didn't do so great with Reed. Billy and Phyllis might be great at taking care of the kids. At teaching them what they need to know in order to thrive no matter what. A new marriage needs time to grow, to settle into a routine that includes a whole family. The kids all love JT, but a little more time for just the two of them couldn't hurt.
JT's criticism isn't meant to be painful. She has to remember that, has to listen to his intent and not his delivery. Tact isn't exactly her strong suit, and maybe this is how others feel when she speaks to them. She can be a better listener. He wants them to be together, to be better than they were, to close the doors on Billy and Mac and whoever else they made mistakes with over the years. This can be good right? Right.
He didn't hit her. He would never hit her. She just…needs to make sure she doesn't make things harder between them. That she opens the gaps in her walls to admit him and not Billy. Or anyone else. He wants the best for her. He said so. Said he loved her and would never leave her. All she has to do is trust him. Trust them. They can get this right. She holds onto the way his hands felt when they gripped hers while he proposed, not how much his lips hurt when they brushed over her bruises. Or the way his eyes bored into hers as though he was making a choice before he hit the door with his fist, and not her face.
He'll be there for her. Not Billy. JT's right about their boundaries and how blurry the lines have gotten. She let them get that way when she still wanted to compete with Phyllis for Billy's affections. But JT can be there for her when she goes to work, when she's at home. He can be there for her no matter what. Besides some distance between Billy and JT can't hurt. Billy's a loveable bad boy, he makes bad decisions sometimes, but he would never leave someone to die in the snow. The same isn't true of JT. At least not the way Billy tells that story. She used to tell herself it was a kid's mistake. Deep down she isn't so sure now, but it doesn't matter. It can't matter.
Maybe she can do what Mac couldn't, what Colleen couldn't, what she couldn't do the first time. Maybe she can fill that empty space in him. Build something with him that will make him happy. Make him satisfied with his life as it is, not as he thinks it should be now.
It's still wrong, but maybe she can make it right. She has to make it right this time. No matter what it costs her.