|: The Sting That Soothes :|
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A/N: Inspired by various songs and poems.
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To the man I have always loved irrevocably,
I looked in the mirror today, studying my own reflection for a long, long time. Needless to say, I wasn't a bit surprised when I saw a part of you instilled in me… in my eyes, in my heart and in my soul. For a moment, I beamed with a sense of pride for knowing my heart is capable of possessing such an extreme volume of love- love so intense, it shatters my entire soul into tiny pieces but does not make the slightest of noise.
And then it struck! The next instant, a sudden urge rose inside me to smash the mirror- to vanquish my own image from my mind. To collapse in a corner and bawl my eyes out. It made me ponder if I should hate myself. If at all, I should be ridiculed by my own conscience.
What has been my fault, however? For holding an emotion so fervent, for loving you with every single thing I have in me? Should I really be flawed by this void around me for desiring to give you all the happiness I could muster, for wanting to bestow upon you a love so fierce that I drown myself in it?
But the truth is, it is undeniable. Everything that I feel, every sentiment I harbour when it comes to you. If one asks, I wouldn't be able to pinpoint a specific time or incident. It occurred gradually. Piece by piece, you captured my heart and I let you overpower my control over every nerve in my body. I allowed myself to get engulfed. To be conquered by that vehement fire in my own soul, the fire that burns for you. And to this day, I feel no shame in admitting that the fire, in spite of raging inside me, brings a strange kind of peace whenever I think of you.
Senior inspector Abhijeet. A devoted, valiant and righteous CID officer, a man of high ethics, putting his life at jeopardy for the safety of others. A person whose mere existence sufficient in making every wrongdoer shiver in terror. A hero looked upon and worshipped by millions.
For me, however, you have always been all this… and much more. I would not have the slightest of doubt that I would have loved you with the same passion even if you were nothing of this… if you were nothing of the image you portray to the world. Even if you were not the faultless being as how people see you. Because, Abhijeet, you gave managed to rip through my soul and made me fall for you with the same ardour I might have had if you were flawed.
Your flaws, Abhijeet, have always left me wounded- axed my heart into tiny pieces but the damage has never been painful, believe me. Abhijeet, please tell me where do I go wrong when I say I love you deeply from the darkest corners of my heart in all your imperfections, accepting them, making them a part of me. Am I really to be blamed for committing the only crime of being aware that you cannot always be perfect and still be madly in desire of you?
I have witnessed you waking up with an agonized jerk because of your past nightmares, and afterwards spending hours getting restless about them. I have seen how extremely vulnerable you become when you struggle to hold back your tears regretting how you cannot alter the past. During those times, Abhijeet, I have always wanted to tell you that it is alright. It is alright to be sensitive and it is alright to feel afraid and feeble. I have always wanted you to know that I would give you all the love and serenity that you deserve, all the happiness that will ever be there in my power… and that I will always be there to hold you whenever you feel like burying your head in my lap, whenever you feel weak ever again.
Being in love with you has hurt me more than you can imagine. Sometimes it breaks me, tears my heart apart with an aftermath so shattering it is barely audible to the world around me. The angst which every nerve in my body suffers is so excruciating it drains my soul away from me.
Yet, somewhere deep down, the heart seems to overpower every ounce of pain, every emotion of anguish. Because all it has ever known is to love you, Abhijeet. And I'm not lying, you have to trust me on this.
The innumerable days when you take a bullet always cause more torment and deep, searing pain in my entire body than the mere couple of times I might have taken a bullet myself. Like everything else, I have become capable of enduring every single thing life throws on me. And if I must take thousands of more bullets for you, I will. Somehow, my soul has adjusted itself to accept wounds with a smile after having fallen for you.
After that day and the case, when I was recuperating there were people who had didn't care whether I lived or not. Because there are people who think I am not the girl suitable to stay in your life. But all this has never affected me, it never will. Because you looked into my eyes with the assurance, the trust that you will never leave my side. And that, Abhijeet, means the whole world for me. Is it really my fault that my love for you will never, never falter in spite of receiving so much hatred from the world?
My soul can never stop loving you. My heart can never stop beating for you.
To this day, I agree breaking up with you has been the biggest and an utterly foolish mistake I have made. It hurt me, immensely, when you insulted my profession standing in my place of work. Abhijeet, you know how much I love my job, how passionate I am toward the work that I do. You have listened to me talk about it with utmost interest. And when you were the one who has always appreciated me, always encouraged me to succeed, it scrunched my heart when I had never, in my wildest of dreams, imagined you to be the one to slander my work.
But then, it gave me a kind of a queer restlessness like never before. I missed you. I missed everything about you. I missed your smile, I missed your voice and I missed the way you stare deep into my eyes as if searching for something. I missed the gentleness of your touch and I missed the softness of your hands against mine. And more than anything, I missed the sweetness the way you address me 'Tarika ji'. Trust me, my day never ends without hearing it. It has become a habit. You have become a habit.
Despite every piercing stare of distrust in your eyes pricking my heart, my love and adulation for you has never failed to strengthen with each breath I take. Which may be the reason I get the unfading, indestructible patience that lets me accept your hesitation, your uncertainty in committing to our relationship. I understand, Abhijeet, that you are unsure of whether you can give me the life, the happiness and the companionship of a lifetime that you dream of giving me. I understand why you are in a quandary of whether or not to marry me, to promise me a life you don't know if you will be able to offer. I understand perfectly, as I have always tried to understand. Everything.
Abhijeet, I have never, ever had any qualms in the relationship we share, whatever name it has or does not have. Because I have never found anything lacking in the way we love each other. Just being with you makes me complete, makes me feel it inessential to ask for anything more. If some things can make you experience heaven, I have found my heaven, Abhijeet. In you. With you in my life, I have the reason for my bliss- in the bond we share, in the talks we talk, in the laughs we laugh, in the sweet nothings we exchange, in the moments we let our eyes talk, in the love we make and in the comfort our arms provide each other.
Nothing else has, and nothing else will ever give me peace, remember that. I vow to shower all the love and goodwill your way today and for eternity no matter our relationship does or does not get a valid name, no matter I do or do not ever become your wife. Because you, Abhijeet, true to your name, have conquered my heart… and it does not seem to mind.
All these years of being with you, my heart and my soul have lived for your wellbeing, your happiness- even if it is in other things, in people who are dear to you. I understand- and willingly accept- that Daya and your duty will always be closer to your heart than me. I have never wanted you to alter your priorities, Abhijeet after we started dating. The ones who are the closest to you will remain the closest, no matter what. If anytime you have to make a choice between saving my life or Daya's, always remember you will get ten more 'Tarika's but there won't be another Daya. Don't worry Abhijeet, I would rather die happily than watching you lose your best friend.
Nothing that life and people have spoken against me has hurt even the slightest bit- neither the hatred I receive from the fans claiming they love you saying I don't deserve you, nor the judgements I endure from people commenting why a senior and a highly experienced officer has fallen for a mere assistant in the forensics department. If you feel I am capable of staying in your life, nothing else in the universe matters to me.
What has ever hurt- stabbed my heart like a thousand knives- is the way you sometimes take me for granted, the way you often don't trust me; or worse the way how you interpret that I don't trust you. Why Abhijeet? When you know I have always believed in you more than my life? What stings me is the manner in which you make no notice of you, when I sometimes cannot approach you at times I need you the most. But then, even though it hurts, I understand you have your reasons, and I accept it- like I have learned to. And then again, how do I blame you when my heart doesn't permit it? When putting you in guilt aches me more than I can imagine?
Should I really be at fault if I am willing to lay down my heart, my soul and my life only for you and your eternal happiness?
Today, as I pour my heart out to you, I want to say that I love you. Whole-heartedly. Insanely. Unrestrictedly. I will always do, till my last breath. I never wanted a man who would never bring tears to my eyes. I love you because you give me the courage to cry my heart out and still give the warmth, the needed serenity that my love for you will always be above everything.
Amidst all my thoughts I have expressed, all the musings from deep within, all I ask of you, Abhijeet, is that you look into my eyes once and speak your heart out even if it may be something I don't like. More than anything, I love when you talk out your emotions- I can listen to you for the rest of my life if need be.
Before I end, I want to say that perhaps, I can breathe my last before you, and when the time comes, I want to die in your arms. I want you to be the last person for my eyes to see and cherish as I ascend to the heavenly abode. Is that too much to ask for?
Yours forever and beyond,
Tarika
~~ The End ~~
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A/N: This is a one-shot I have recently written which is the closest to my heart. For those who like it, if anyone feels I should add some points in it, please let me know. For the haters, I won't even read your in-any-sense abusive reviews, so stop wasting your time and efforts! Thank you!