Disclaimer: I do NOT own Shameless
A/N: One-shot inside the mind of Mickey during season 3 set to Breaking The Habit By Linkin Park
Mickey POV
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
Ian fucking Gallagher. Why did he have to go and fuck that grandpa looking mother fucker and then wave it in front of me? Payback for that Angie thing. I just couldn't tell him I didn't really fuck her. I was so close to saying it but I backed out. Just like when I told him I missed him but had to back track so he wouldn't know it was just a slip. Kneeing that fucking fag under the bleachers and beating the shit out of what his fucking face were only out of jealousy. And he knows it. He isn't afraid to kiss me. He said that on purpose.
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
Fuck I need to do something. But what? Kiss him. Fuck I can't. I have never kissed a guy. Yeah I know but it just was never anything I wanted. Well except once I almost did but I chickened out. Kiss me and I'll cut your fucking tongue out. I couldn't do it then but know? Hell Firecrotch already knows i'm jealous so maybe I can kiss him just to let him know that he better never go back to that old dude again.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
But if I do it then it will make things more real. If my dad ever found out shit would hit the fan. Getting closer to Ian will only make it that much easier to slip up. Like when Frank walked in the store to catch Ian balls deep. Hell and Kash caught us the same way so its only a matter of time. My head confusing my feelings for a problem that I need to take out.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean.\
Is he worth it? Is that damn ginger haired, shit grinning Gallagher who watched me piss on first base a million years ago really going to be what breaks me? After all the shit I have said to him in the past? Your nothing but a warm mouth to me.Harsh words yeah but I had reasons for needing it to end. But of course it didn't last. The moment I was out I knew I had to see him.
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright.
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
So change? Could I really do it? Now about to walk into that old fucks house to take all his shit he is talking and all I can is look at his lips. My fingers lingers on my own for a second. I just say fuck it and I run back and kiss him. Its short and sweet and I didn't want to stop it so soon but I have to go so I flip him the bird on the way back. A middle finger for that fucking grin that spreads across his face. He got his damn kiss.
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
My ass is killing me. At least the first time I got shot it wasn't that bad but this is so much worse, I grab the box under my bed. Haven't done this shit in a while and not just because my probation. I started doing it too much there for a bit. Juvie actually kind of saved me. I was looking pretty scraggly there at the end. But behind my locked door a say fuck it. I need this not just for the pain but for my brain to shut up about the kiss and how it changed everything.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean.
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
I'm never doing that shit again. Now I just feel worse. Not just my body but my fucking mind. After the drugs wore off I went into an instantly unsettling sleep. Great now I have to go to work. Ian will be there and I don't know why but I feel wierd about seeing him. Nervous maybe. I don't know. But as soon as I see him I can tell it will be ok. After confirming he wasn't fucking anybody in that damn prison of a "home" I had an idea. I almost couldn't say it but I did. Now sitting on my couch acting as if we do this everyday. Like we are best friends with benefits. Maybe it could always be this way. A smile passes between us and it's like he was thinking the same thing.
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
The look that passes between us as the Russian straddles me is only pain. Ian's fist clenching by his face wanting to stop from looking but can't at the same time. He finally looks away and he looks like he is about to cry. I have to do this. I have to give it my all no matter how much he doesn't want to see that. I toss her over and fuck her with all I got imagining that it is one of the rare occasions that Ian is actually the bottom. As I fuck her I realize something. The kiss isn't what changed things. Things changed the fist time we fucked. The ending was inevitable. I have to break the habit. The habit that I just can never seem to lose. Ian. Its better this way. I will keep him safe if I'm not in his life.
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Sitting in my bed trying to will my face to heal fast as possible. Can I really just give him up? I did it before so i can do it again. Right? Or maybe the habit I really need to break is running scared? Yeah maybe that is it.
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight