==The Burden of Seeing==
"Have you ever stood in the darkness and known, deep in your heart, in your spirit, that it was never, ever going to get better?"
—Jim Butcher, Storm Front
Katherine's warning rang in his mind like a death knell. "Doctor... I'm sorry... everything changes soon. Not yet, but soon." ...but she existed to give him that warning! She existed. It couldn't be that terrible... Yes, it could, but he wasn't going to give up his Companions to whatever horrors would be thrown at them without a fight.
He did have options. He was a Time Lord—there were certain things inherent in that name, things he could do that he did not usually dare to.
He ran from the full embodiment of a Time Lord, because he'd seen what that would mean for him. Long ago, as a small child, looking into the Untempered Schism... It wasn't until his sixth life that he'd known for certain what lay ahead, but he'd always known it would lie in that direction. The Valeyard... He shuddered at the memory of that cold, uncaring creature. It was the reason he never dared to look ahead.
But this time... just this once, he thought he could try, for the sake of his boys. Forewarned was forearmed, after all...
He plunged in before he lost his nerve—plunged into the flow, the music, of Time. So much... all the universes, and all of their past and present and future... That's what I see, all the time. Doesn't it drive you mad?
Madness did lie this way, even for a Time Lord. It was possible to stretch one's consciousness so far into Time that there could be no return. That had been the fate of the Visionary. For her, the lock on the Time War would have been a kindness...
It had been so long, so very long, since he'd even attempted this. But he pulled up memories of Holmes's rare full-bodied laugh and Watson's brilliant smile... and focused on those two bright points, one silver and one gold, shining fiercely. Two special, special humans, shaping the future with their incredible friendship... He focused further and ran along their personal threads of Time, seeing their births, their childhoods, their teenage years, universities, careers, St. Bart's, burgeoning friendship, meeting him...
And then it assaulted him all at once. A flash, a flood... of images, voices, emotions... Hateful words, tears of blood, loneliness... pain... so much pain... more than any one human could experience and survive...
He came back to himself, gasping for air and crying freely. His throat felt hoarse, and a moment later, he realised he had crumpled to the floor and curled up into a fetal position without noticing.
His chest ached sharply. "Honey," he pushed out in a croak around the lump in his throat. "Please... tell me that's... that's something that could happen... not something that will. Not something that will. Please. Please."
The TARDIS hummed mournfully back.
He covered his mouth and wept, long and hard in the darkness of his own room, far from the Companions who did not and could not know what awaited them mere months away.
Author's note from Sky: I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. But this had to be done. Just as Katherine couldn't let the Doctor go without just warning him, he couldn't let that warning go without seeing why. Hence this.
Author's note from Ria: As for me, I'm just constantly in awe of the Doctor's courage. Some narrow-minded people (naming no names!) might call him a coward... but to have seen the worst of his own future, know he can't change it, and still get out of bed every morning – metaphorically speaking – without simply giving up and blowing his own brains out... how many of us could do that?
Don't wander off, now – Episode 5 coming soon.