The Unanticipated Consequences of a Gift

by Linstock

In which we learn how a tradition begins, McCoy and Kirk collude and Spock comes to understand the illogical human expression "they'll never let you hear the end of this". ( McCoy, Kirk and Spock/Uhura.)

Title: The Unanticipated Consequences of a Gift.

Author: Linstock

Code: Spock/Uhura, ST2009

Rating: PG

Type: Humour (... really? All right it's probably Crack), light romance.

Beta Credit: All praise to SpockLikesCats. She's made of stern stuff and didn't faint when I sent her a document chocka with grammatical errors and passive voice. She stayed with me as I faffed around, added, cut, and changed things. Thank the stars for her patience and persistence.

Warnings: None.

Summary: In which we learn how a tradition begins and Spock comes to understand the illogical human expression "they'll never let you hear the end of this".

Disclaimer: I do not own Star trek or any of the characters. I do not make any profit from this work.

A/N: A belated Happy Valentine's Day to all. I hope you all had a large box of chocolates and a Vulcan to help you enjoy them!

=/\=

According to the Earth calendar the date was the 14th of February, and Commander Spock, First Officer of the USS Enterprise, was aware of the significance of this date.

So when he entered the bedroom and found a package - wrapped in red crinkly cellophane, topped with a large pink bow - sitting on his pillow, he viewed the gift with caution.

He undid the wrappings and revealed a pair of boxer shorts. This in itself was no cause for alarm. They were made of a fine silk, pleasant to the fingers and undoubtedly comfortable. Less pleasing was their colour and pattern: a lurid pink scattered with little red hearts ... sparkly ones. On the fly of the boxer shorts, in reflective red lettering, was written "kiss me".

Spock closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose.

It was a "game" Nyota played, trying to find him the most inappropriate gift that she could …without crossing the line that would lead to outright rejection. She'd excelled, Spock could hardly envision a less appropriate garment for a Starfleet Officer. He resisted his initial impulse to put item in the recycler, which proved fortunate, because that evening Nyota insisted he wear her "gift". He allowed himself to be persuaded ... pleasing Nyota was his greatest pleasure. She rewarded him amply, actively demonstrating the intention of the undergarment's designers when they placed the instruction on the fly.

When the laundered boxers reappeared with his daily laundry delivery, Spock placed them at the back on the bottom of his clothing drawer, and there they lay untouched and forgotten.

=/\=

Approximately one year later….

The young crewman didn't look like he was waiting; he looked like a maintenance crewman ensuring the nuts on the pressure valves were correctly tightened. This was an illusion.

There were many illusions in the maintenance core, so one more wasn't too surprising. For reasons of weight the engineering access core's criss-crossing walkways were made of a light, strong expanded mesh with weblike wire safety barriers. When the angle and the light were just so, the expanded mesh visually "disappeared", creating the disconcerting illusion of those above walking on air. It was a serious design flaw, scheduled to be rectified in the next refit, but for now it accorded the maintenance crew a certain status and gave them their nickname, "air walkers".

Crew members who didn't have to cross the vertiginous walkways avoided them. But Lt Uhura was made of sterner stuff and regularly used a shortcut across the highest walkways when she went from the Communication Centre to the central elevator core and then onto the bridge. Ensign Hardy knew she would pass over head any minute…and the light and angle from this position in the walkway was just right.

Ensign Hardy wasn't a bad person, and his heart was in the right place. Unfortunately his eyes were in the wrong place ... on the lieutenant's long slim legs as she passed overhead on the walkway above. From where he stood he had an unprecedented view. Not usually a religious young man, he nonetheless blessed the designer of the female Starfleet uniform. His eyes were glued to Lieutenant Uhura's upper thighs and the barely visible but enticing curve of her perfect buttocks. He was craning forward, trying to get just the right angle, so when he pushed absent-mindedly on the large wrench, his hand slipped.

The wrench dropped from his fingers and fell clattering to the walkway, bounced over the narrow lip on the edge and, twisting, slipped under the bottom safety wire. It clattered off the conduits below, narrowly missing Lieutenant (jg) Volta-Reuter's head, hit the walkway below the startled officer, skidding a short way carried by its own momentum, before rattling down a set of ladder-like stairs, and plunging between the last two risers. From there it plummeted ... until it hit a turncock, pirouetted once, narrowly evading the reaching hand of Ensign Fong, and dropped straight down into an access port the new "sparky", Lieutenant Obeth Oha'd, had left open while she turned to get a light.

The wrench shot down the conduit leading into the main mechanism of the laundry facility of the Enterprise, shattering several small and delicate components as it passed. These fragments joined the wrench in its downward journey, like shuttlecraft streaming behind a mother ship. Being light, they were soon drawn into ancillary pipes, spreading and damaging a wide array of systems. For its coup de grace the heavy wrench entered the main mechanism of the laundry machinery where it lodged -completely, grindingly, hideously, clankingly - bringing the entire system to a halt.

This was the beginning of the worst day of Ensign Hardy's life, one etched in fire on his young mind. Mr Scott, usually a pleasantly eccentric officer, took great exception to anybody "breaking his ship", a point that Ensign Hardy wasn't likely to forget in a hurry.

But if he thought the dressing down he received from Mr Scott was bad, it was nothing compared to the rigorous examination of his faults undertaken by Commander Spock, who precisely and logically pointed out all the things that Ensign Hardy should have done, all the safety procedures he neglected to follow, and drew for him a crystal clear picture of the ramifications, costs and consequences of his behaviour.

All the time Ensign Hardy stood before the basilisk stare of the Commander, he felt like the fact he'd been looking up the skirt of Commander Spock's girlfriend was tattooed on his forehead. He'd heard the rumours about the Commander nearly killing the Captain … back before the Captain was the Captain and when the Commander was the Captain … all very confusing … he knew Vulcans were very strong, fast and rumoured to be highly territorial. Oh no, they were touch telepaths too! Hardy snapped his hands behind his back and tried desperately not to think about Lieutenant Uhura's legs.

Ensign Hardy reflected: Lieutenant Uhura had beautiful legs, but they were not worth this.

Ensign Hardyspent the next two weeks thoroughly cleaning the refuse disposal system of the Enterprise. This was a much dreaded task but Hardy took to it with considerable alacrity, relieved to escape censorious seniors, dangerous implacable telepaths and temptingly long-legged lieutenants. In fact, due to his exemplary work he was sent on several specialist training courses and over time became a leading authority in starship waste disposal systems. But that's another story.

=/\=

Spock slipped quietly into bed beside Nyota and gently wrapped one arm around her waist. She slept deeply, curled on her side and didn't rouse, although she'd uncurled slightly, shaping herself to fit against his contours. Content, he drifted to sleep.

When Spock woke he lay quietly enjoying the press of Nyota's body against his. He wanted to trail light fingers over her ribcage, feel the wonderfully soft texture of her skin, and rest his hand over her steadily beating heart. The faint almost tickling sensation of Nyota's heartbeat under his palm always moved Spock in a way he didn't fully understand.

Instead he savoured the sensation of quiet contentment as he watched Nyota sleep. She was beautiful. It still caught him unaware at times; he'd catch a glimpse of her as she passed in a corridor and be transfixed. She was delicate and fine boned and at first seemed fragile but she was strong and had a temper and will that matched his own. She'd been his sea anchor in the dark days after the Battle of Vulcan when the storm of his emotions threatened to drive him onto the rocks. She'd steadied and stabilized him as he endured, then found his way to navigate, that storm.

His thoughts were interrupted when his com sounded. He was scheduled to lead an away team and the departure time was now two hours earlier. Spock rose quietly in the dark, careful not to disturb Nyota, went to his underwear drawer and reached inside and found it ... empty.

This shouldn't have been unexpected. One of Spock's duties in the past week was monitoring the repairs to the Enterprise's laundry system.

Usually when a crew member put clothes into the laundry chute, the items returned freshly laundered the next day. When that system broke down, people noticed, and quickly. To make matters worse, the current mission involved exploration Megtanic4 , a water rich planet with vast swamps, unique mangrove-like ocean-land interfaces and rich water soluble minerals. It was fascinating, absorbing work…but also dirty work. Multiple teams were on the planet surface at all times setting up observation posts, taking readings, excavating and more….resulting a great many soiled uniforms. With the laundry facilities out of order the Enterprise's crew had to re-wear any relatively clean clothing unwashed and send items needing washing to an improvised, old-fashioned water-based laundry on planet.

In addition to his other duties Spock oversaw protocols to protect both the planet's water system and the ship from contamination. He'd vetoed importing the water to do the laundry on board for this reason. It was easier to control contamination risks in the processed laundry. Besides the Enterprise's laundry system was not water based, so there was no logic in the suggestion. Now, despite the laundry team's efforts, laundered items still felt harsh and scratchy against the skin. Spock was currently researching a cleaning method to rectify this problem while avoiding negative environmental consequences.

So when Commander Spock felt in his underwear drawer, he had only one clean pair. This pair always stayed right at the back of the drawer. He'd only worn them once and then only briefly; despite the intensely satisfactory evening, he'd never chosen to wear them again, but neither had he thrown them away. He was faced with the choice… wearing that pair or "recycling" yesterday's.

Commander Spock was a fastidious man and, in that split second, wearing the clean underwear seemed the lesser of two evils. They were comfortable, pleasant against the skin, and getting dressed in the dark, he wouldn't have to look at them. Decision made, he dressed and with a last glance at the still sleeping Nyota, he left their quarters.

Spock didn't give the matter of his attire another thought.

=/\=

The last thing Commander Spock remembered was examining a fascinating botanical specimen.

Then it seemed time jumped and the next thing he knew was a stinging slap, quickly followed by a slightly less forceful blow on his other cheek. As he slowly dragged himself out of the healing trance, awareness of a deep throbbing headache grew.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked into Nyota's, shining with barely controlled tears. She bent and kissed him gently, stroking his face where she'd just slapped him, before resting her forehead gently against his. When she straightened, he saw she was pressing her lips tightly together as if trying to stop them trembling.

"I'm so glad you're alright," she said. The words were unnecessary; Spock could feel her relief and worry fluttering through the light telepathic bond that they shared. His mind was still unfocused. He lay quietly. Nyota cupped his face gently in both hands and leant down and whispered softly, "I am so sorry."

There was no need for Nyota to be sorry, but Spock had learnt to accept such statements as expressions of concern and affection. He didn't feel a response was required. Spock's thoughts faded as his focus blurred and he drifted into a natural sleep.

=/\=

When Spock he woke the second time he found Dr McCoy standing beside his biobed. It took a while for Spock to focus his eyes and his thoughts. Something wasn't right; anything that made Dr McCoy look that happy didn't bode well.

"I see you're awake," said Dr McCoy.

The doctor's manner was overly solicitous and bubbling with good humour. Spock experienced a sense of disquiet. Nyota would call it "foreboding".

The Doctor chatted on in a jovial manner, "How is our Vulcan scientist today? Let me check." The doctor proceeded to take a series of readings in a strangely exaggerated manner, like someone over-acting the role of "doctor".

"Coming along very nicely. The Vulcan healing trance sure is something. Now, don't you worry about a thing, just lie back and meditate or something, we have everything under control. Yes, indeedy." Then Dr Leonard McCoy leaned over and …tucked Spock in.

Now Spock knew something was wrong. Where was the usual curmudgeonly Dr. McCoy? Who was this strange solicitous, gleeful person next to his bed? Was this one of those cases that he'd heard of in which alien creatures took possession of a Starfleet officer's body, walking him around, controlling him like a puppet?

"Don't you worry about anything, you'll be fine in no time. You just go back to sleep, everything is under control," said the Doctor grinning widely as he administered Spock's medication. Even Spock's increasing disquiet couldn't prevent him drifting off to sleep again.

As he slipped into slumber he distinctly heard Dr McCoy ... chuckle.

=/\=

One day earlier….

The whole away team'd been affected by the pollen of the darn flowers. If Dr Leonard McCoy had his way he'd ban pollen … blasted stuff was nothing but trouble. Six of the away team were itching, wheezing and sneezing, and had hives like you wouldn't believe. Normal treatments hadn't made any difference … of course not, that would've been too easy … but alien pollen was no match for Dr McCoy and he'd finally prevailed.

Trust that hobgoblin to have a weird Vulcan allergic reaction. The other team members said Spock'd hit the ground like he'd been poleaxed … scared the hell out of everyone.

Now McCoy finally felt he could relax. The worst was over, there'd been no new cases, all his patients were recovering and Commander Spock was stable and in a healing trance.

McCoy was in the store room when he noticed several trays lying on the bench. They contained clothing and personal effects of patients and had been through thorough decontamination. Out of idle curiosity he lifted the opaque plas-film cover on the first tray. He saw science blue ... must be Spock's clothes.

An unexpected colour caught McCoy's eye when he moved the shirt; he saw something that rocked his world ... lurid pink boxer shorts, silky with tiny little red hearts scattered over them. He removed the plasfilm cover and lifted out Spock's shirt. He could clearly see the boxer short's "kiss me" written on the fly.

For the first time in days McCoy felt a smile blossoming.

=/\=

Spock woke for the third time. Previously he'd been so groggy that he couldn't focus on any detail. This time the first thing he saw was a grin on the doctor's face reminding him of a fictional character Nyota had told him about, " the Cheshire cat". The startling expression was all Spock could focus on initially.

"I can see you're feeling much better," said the grinning McCoy doppelganger.

"I am 87% recovered," replied Spock in an effort to return the conversation to something resembling normal.

"I believe you are, and a good thing too."

Spock raised the questioning eyebrow.

"You have a lot to deal with," added the doctor, his expression a mask of concern.

Spock thought this was probably true; he'd been - he checked his mental clock - in a trance for two days and sleeping more or less normally for another 10.4 hours. Work would have accumulated, and he'd have to do that while performing his normal duties. It would be extra, but well within his capabilities.

"Concern is unwarranted Doctor, I will soon resume my normal duties."

"That is your informed medical opinion is it?" replied Dr McCoy, but instead of rising to the bait the doctor was smiling and nodding slightly and seemed enjoy a private joke.

Spock became cautious. He didn't know how to respond to this strange creature beside his bed. So he waited to see what the doctor would say next.

Dr McCoy was looking up towards the ceiling, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet.

Spock glanced up too, the overhead was the same bland uniform off-white colour it had always been.

The doctor commented, "I suppose you have to prepare yourself for the disciplinary hearing."

Spock's mind stalled briefly ... disciplinary hearing?... as far as he was aware he wasn't involved in pursuing a disciplinary matter against any crewmember. He checked quickly through his memory to satisfy himself there was no damage. His memory was intact; he was not holding a "disciplinary hearing".

"I'm not involved in any disciplinary procedures, doctor."

"I think you'll find you are." Even Spock, who wasn't skilled in reading human facial expressions, knew the Doctor's concern was feigned.

"You are mistaken Doctor. I am not."

"'I'm afraid it is you who are mistaken, Commander Spock. I believe Captain Kirk plans to discuss the matter with you as soon as I give you medical clearance." The doctor lifted his Padd and tapped in a few words, "And I'll give clearance for partial duties right ... now."

It made no sense. McCoy was obviously in no mood to explain further and quickly turned and walked away. Spock found the exchange not only bewildering but unexpectedly tiring and he dropped briefly into a light sleep.

=/\=

Several hours earlier ….

Dr McCoy burst into Captain Kirk's office. The normally dour doctor was electrified with barely suppressed glee. In his right hand he held a small bag.

"Captain Kirk," he said with mock formality, "I have to report a breach of Star fleet regulations."

James Kirk sat back in his chair and looked at his uncharacteristically ebullient best friend. Kirk made a "continue" gesture and McCoy crossed the room and stood with hands, bag and all, planted behind his back. He said, "A senior officer out of uniform ... on active duty."

"Who?" said Captain Kirk cautiously, trying to get some understanding of the situation.

"You'll never believe it." said Dr McCoy. Pausing for dramatic effect he produced the words with a flourish, like a magician producing a rabbit from a hat, "Commander Spock."

Kirk frowned. "That hardly seems likely."

"Jim," said McCoy suddenly conspiratorial, "If I asked you what Spock wore under his uniform trousers what would your answer be?"

Kirk blinked, nonplussed, then replied, "Standard, Starfleet issue plain black underwear." Then added quickly, "Not that I ever thought about it, mind you."

"No, of course not," replied McCoy equally quickly, "And I would have said the same as you. Boring, logical, Starfleet issue, by the book, underwear. I would have laid money on it." McCoy paused dramatically, savoring the moment. "Instead he wears … these."

McCoy opened the bag and shook out the item it contained. He watched Jim's eyes grow larger. Kirk took in the lurid pink colour, the red sparkly hearts and turned his head slightly sideways as he read the text on the fly, lips moving as he read "Kiss Me". His mouth curved in disbelief.

Kirk looked at McCoy. McCoy gave a series of small quick nods of encouragement. Jim's eyes went the back to the underwear, up to McCoy, back to the underwear and he burst out laughing.

"I can't believe it," he said wiping his eyes. "I just can't believe it."

"Believe it," said McCoy before continuing gleefully, "Starfleet regulation 129.75 clearly states that officers must be in full uniform at all times whilst on active duty."

Kirk frowned at him. "You sound astonishingly like Commander Spock right now."

"I looked it up," replied McCoy and shrugged. "Commander Spock was on duty, he was a Star Fleet officer in an official capacity and … out of uniform."

Kirk looked thoughtful, "How did you acquire these…?"

"You remember Spock had an allergic reaction to pollen?"

"Spock and pollen … never good." mused the Captain.

"You can say that again," muttered the Doctor before continuing. "His clothes were removed when he came to sick bay. I found them while tidying up." McCoy knew his mother would have recognized his expression from the times he denied stealing cookies, despite the crumbs around his five-year-old mouth.

"You do realize if he hadn't been adversely affected in the line of duty, no one would ever have known about ...?" replied Captain Kirk, gesturing at the underwear Dr McCoy still held up like a matador holding a red cape to entice a bull.

Kirk looked at the offending items, then grinned as an idea formed.

"The good Lt Uhura must have purchased these for Commander Spock."

McCoy straightened, tilting his head slightly to one side enquiringly.

"Oh, come on! There's no way Spock bought those for himself."

"Your point being?"

"Just that we could really annoy two birds with one stone." said Kirk grinning.

For the first time McCoy hesitated ... much as he liked Lt Uhura this was an opportunity to score one up against Spock ... darn it he couldn't, simply could not let this chance go by.

Kirk continued with mock solemnity. "It would pain me to take a disciplinary action against such a senior and well-respected officer."

"But Star fleet regulations apply equally to all staff," replied McCoy piously.

Kirk still looked skeptical.

"Jim, when are we ever going to get another chance like this again?" McCoy was pleading now.

Their eyes met and McCoy could see Kirk's doubts were fading. His trademark wicked gleam was asserting itself. "Only if I'm sure he's fully recovered..."

"Absolutely, I wouldn't dream of doing anything unless he was able to fully appreciate what was happening."

"Nothing officially official."

"It's gotta look official."

"Yes, but not entered in the official record." Kirk grinned, "I can do that. Won't fool him long but ..."

"Long enough." replied McCoy.

The two men were now grinning so broadly it is amazing that their faces didn't crack.

=/\=

The fact was, Commander Spock rubbed Dr McCoy the wrong way. There was just something basically incompatible about their personalities. McCoy admitted Commander Spock was outstanding at his job, quite brilliant in fact. He was also the most irritating person he'd ever met, and McCoy had met quite a few irritating people, including the current starship Captain.

For his part Commander Spock considered Dr McCoy a skilled medical officer who was unfortunately overemotional and illogical. He treated McCoy like a difficult, irrational child.

Consider the last two weeks. Ever since the Enterprise had taken up orbit McCoy and Commander Spock had been at loggerheads. McCoy's suggestions were blocked at every turn. Spock endlessly quoted regulations, no doubt reading from the copy of the Starfleet regulations tattooed on the inside of his eyelids, and McCoy told Spock exactly what he thought about his pedantic regulation wrangling.

To McCoy it seemed Spock was deliberately trying to annoy him with his "Regulations are made to be followed doctor" and "Regulations apply equally to all Star Fleet personnel". As they increasingly rubbed each other the wrong way Commander Spock became more officious and McCoy became more like a cat that had its fur stroked backwards. McCoy had muttered several prayers to any gods listening to grant him a little pay-back.

Now his prayers were answered - McCoy had the means to knock Spock off his high horse. McCoy wasn't going to let a golden opportunity like this go by. He would remember to his dying day the way he'd felt when he looked down at the Commander's clothes and realized just what it was the Vulcan Commander wore under his trousers. If he had been a younger, less serious person McCoy might have danced a jig.

McCoy didn't think it would be too hard to enlist Captain Kirk as an ally. Jim Kirk had been well known as a prankster in the Academy. His excess of energy and intellect had to find an outlet somewhere. During those years McCoy had been his reluctant grumbling partner in crime. Since his unprecedented rise through the ranks Kirk tried to behave in a manner more befitting a Captain ... mostly he succeeded.

Much as Kirk respected Spock, frankly, Commander Spock could be a pain in the rear at times. It only took one raised eyebrow to make Kirk doubt his competence as Captain.

Then there was Lt Uhura, a fine officer, but she could get up his nose in a way no one else could. She had this tight-lipped, huffy little sigh that drove him crazy, not to mention the way as she swept out of the room with a prissy flick of her head, pony tail swinging, leaving him feeling like a naughty schoolboy.

Kirk was only human, and this was a temptation too delicious to overlook.

=/\=

Both Dr McCoy and Captain Kirk were next to his bed next time Spock woke. They seemed to be having difficulty controlling their facial muscles.

"Commander Spock," Captain Kirk began, "I know Doctor McCoy has informed you of the pending disciplinary matter."

"The Doctor mentioned a disciplinary procedure, I have no other knowledge."

"Commander Spock, I know you'll agree the same rules must apply to the senior officers as apply to all crew members."

"Yes Captain, I have no problem with this precept."

"Then you will understand why you'll be subject to the normal disciplinary action for being out of uniform whilst on duty."

There was a slight tightening between Spock's eyebrows as he considered "out of uniform whilst on duty".

"Please clarify," requested Spock. He noticed a slight movement and turned his head towards Dr McCoy, who now held up an item of clothing.

Finally Spock understood.

He looked at the Captain, then looked across at Doctor McCoy and a saying his mother sometimes used drifted across his mind ... "they'll never let you hear the end of this".

=/\=

Lt Uhura noticed Dr McCoy was acting "shifty" when she visited Spock. Having grown up with three brothers she recognized all the symptoms. Uhura began keeping an eye open ... no doubt about it, Dr McCoy's demeanor was definitely suspicious. Now she was primed, she began to notice similarly strange behavior from Captain Kirk...curiouser and curiouser.

As Chief Communications Officer she monitored and logged all communications. With Commander Spock out of action for a few days, a considerable backlog of internal communications built up. It wasn't unreasonable for her to review intra-ship communications … just to assist a fellow officer. That's when she found it ... a discipline action record. As she read she could hardly believe her eyes. She startled the two staff in the communication centre, hissing "I'm going to kill them both" as she stalked out of the room.

The ship's record shows Lt Uhura didn't in fact murder Captain James Kirk or Doctor Leonard McCoy but it doesn't record what was actually said between three of them behind the closed doors of the Captain's Ready Room. All documentation of the disciplinary action was expunged from the record ... well almost all, Kirk kept a copy and so did McCoy. Whenever he was feeling particularly down, McCoy liked to read it. It always made him feel better. It would've been enough to see Spock's dawning comprehension when he finally realized what was happening. But the icing on the cakewas Spock's face when he read the charges and Jim told him there'd be an open hearing. McCoy would've paid good money to hear Commander Spock explain himself at a hearing ... a man can dream. Anyway he and the Captain still had another card up their sleeve. If Commander Spock thought he was ever going to hear the end of this he was very sadly mistaken.

=/\=

It was a direct order. Captain Kirk told Commander Spock to attend the Valentine's Day gathering, no ifs buts or maybes. Spock would never disobey a direct order, so he'd attend and stay the absolute minimum of time necessary. Nyota would be there. She enjoyed these gatherings but wouldn't be concerned if he left early. They'd agreed to meet when her shift finished and go to the gathering together.

So it was that Lt Uhura and Commander Spock approached the door of the common room on the evening of Valentine's Day. The door slid open and revealed the party in full swing. The decorations immediately caught Spock's eye ... and made the tips of his ears turn green.

There were hundreds of helium-filled balloons trailing long pink ribbon tails. They resembled a swarm of enormous sperm struggling to impregnate the ceiling of the common room. Each "spermatozoa's" circular head was lurid pink, covered with bright red sparkly hearts, and a diagonal band across one side read "Kiss Me" in large reflective letters. As Spock watched, one of the crew members grabbed the trailing ribbon of a balloon, pulled it down and handed it to his female companion, who smiled and proceeded to follow the instructions on the balloon.

Commander Spock looked up and met Dr McCoy's eyes. The doctor grinned broadly and nodded to him, raising his glass.

Captain Kirk approached from behind and clapped Spock on his shoulder, saying, "How do you like the decorations Commander Spock?"

"I have no comment on the matter," replied Spock in a deadpan voice.

Lt Uhura looked as if she might just do something unwise and Spock decided it best to steer her away from the Captain. Unfortunately he guided over to the refreshments. The central feature of the table was a tall many-layered stand filled with pink iced cakes, each with "Kiss Me" piped in red letters across its surface.

"I'll kill them," whispered Lt Nyota Uhura through clenched teeth.

"That would be unwise, ashayam," replied Spock.

"I don't care," she said."I going to kill them ... both ... slowly."

=/\=

Even after he left Star Fleet and followed in his father's footsteps as an Ambassador, on every Valentine's Day, without fail, Spock received an anonymous card ... lurid pink, covered with bright red sparkly hearts, and a diagonal band across the front reading "Kiss Me".

It was a sad day in Ambassador Spock's life when Valentine's Day arrived ... and there was no card.

He'd lived to hear the end of it after all.

=/\=

Epilogue

Many years in the future ...

The Chief Engineer of the Enterprise looked down the corridor and frowned. An object floated, bobbing gently, just near the ceiling. As she approached with her companion, Commander Else, she realized the spherical object about the size of her head was made of a metallic foil and filled with lighter-than-air gas. This was strange but what was even stranger was the lurid pink colour of what she had identified as a "balloon". It was covered in shiny red hearts and across one side, "Kiss Me" was written in reflective letters. The Chief Engineer looked at her companion out of the corner of her eye. The Commander reached up nonchalantly and tapped the underside of the balloon, sending it bobbing down the corridor.

"It must have escaped," Commander Else said.

That made absolutely no sense to the Chief Engineer. The Commander must have sensed this because he turned and said, "The Enterprise is a ship that values tradition."

"I have realized that by now. Although I would have appreciated some warning about the tradition of dumping a new Chief Engineer into the coolant system."

"That's one of the oldest traditions on the ship. Every new Chief Engineer, on their first day, is dumped into the coolant system and released through the emergency release hatch."

"Something that should be mentioned in advance." replied the Chief Engineer. "I couldn't get the water out of my ears for a week." She looked hard at the Commander.

"Andorian's aren't particularly fond of water... in its liquid state."

"No one would consider you a proper Chief Engineer if you hadn't been 'baptised' officially."

"Drowned, more like it," she muttered. "Apart from my bizarre baptism, I had considerable difficulty adjusting to everyone referring to me as 'Scotty'." The Chief Engineer's antenna moved expressively, emphasizing her surprise. "My initial researches indicated a "Scotty" was a breed of dog and I thought I was being insulted. Then I found out it is a tribute to the first Chief Engineer on the Enterprise, the legendary Montgomery Scott himself. His nickname was "'Scotty" ... so every chief engineer is called "Scotty". If it'd been anyone else I might have taken offence - clan names matter to Andorians - but being named in honor of Montgomery Scott is, in fact … an honor." The Andorian's voice had become almost reverent.

"The Enterprise has many of these little traditions," replied the Commander, only half listening. By now they had traversed the corridor and come to the common room doorway. It slid open, revealing a room with a whole ceiling covered in floating balloons, each the exact match of the one drifting in the corridor. People throughout the cabin had large heart-shaped badges pinned to their uniforms with the words "KISS ME" emblazoned across them.

"And I suppose this is another of the Enterprise's traditions? I find myself at a loss." muttered Scotty, formally known as Chief Engineer At'lund-ka.

Commander Else smiled and said, "Today we celebrate the ancient human festival of Valentine's Day. It is a day when people exchange small gifts expressing sexual interest or admiration of another individual or individuals. If you require information concerning Valentine's Day, I believe a brief summary is included in today's ship-wide notes."

Scotty's antennae drooped slightly. It was a great honor to be on the Enterprise but they were a very strange crew. Their foibles probably wouldn't be tolerated on any other vessel. Valentine's Day was undoubtedly some obscure Terran celebration, its origins lost in the mists of time, forgotten in the rest of the Universe and yet here they were, the best crew in the fleet, kissing each other on the cheek and batting balloons around the room.

Commander Else noticed the subtle droop of Scotty's antennae, leant across and said, not unkindly, "You'll get used to it. Trust me, strange as this seems, it builds team spirit and, after a while all these little traditions will seem normal and you'll be one of the group." He turned, picked up a badge from a pile on a nearby table and pinned it on Scotty's tunic. "Do you like hot chocolate?" the Commander asked, leading the Andorian over to a dispenser.

Scotty found she did indeed like hot chocolate. It was rich and smooth; she approved. A couple of these on Andoria's cold winter nights wouldn't go astray. It was spiced with something called cinnamon ... very pleasant ... she sipped again. She asked the commander why she'd never tasted it before and he colored slightly as he revealed it was a banned substance on five worlds and therefore difficult to procure. Scotty didn't enquire further.

The commander, who had evidently appointed himself her guide and interpreter, changed the subject saying, "Legend has it that this tradition dates back to the very first crew of the Enterprise."

"When James Kirk was captain?" asked Scotty and licked her lips to remove the last vestiges of the chocolate drink.

"That's right. Captain Kirk, now there's a Captain the like of which we will not see again."

Scotty reflected on some of the exploits of Captain Kirk and agreed this was probably true.

"That first crew! So many legends. Mr Spock who later became Ambassador Spock. Nyota Uhura, she was a lieutenant then, do you realize that she made first contact records for no less than five entirely new races and rose to the rank of Admiral. Hikaru Sulu was Helmsman of course and also became an Admiral. Then there was Pavel Chekov, you'd know about Chekov?"

Scotty nodded. "A most exemplary individual, the mathematics he developed revolutionized ..."

"Yes yes," said the Commander dismissively, "Practically every member of that original command team was extraordinary in their own way. Any captain would be glad to have just one of them."

Scotty asked, "So how did this tradition get started?" She gestured at the roomful of pink balloons and badges.

Commander Else rocked back on his heels, obviously pleased. "I've done some research and surprising as it may seem, this tradition was started by Commander Spock."

Scotty's antenna stood straight, an indication of extreme surprise.

"Was he not a Vulcan?"

"Yes, he was, the first Vulcan in Starfleet, which makes it all the more surprising. Did you realize he had a life-long romance with Admiral Uhura? No? Well that's a story in its own right and it started here on the Enterprise. They were only the second human- Vulcan bonding; the first were Ambassador Spock's own parents. It's hard to imagine, I know, but those were different times."

Sensing her companion going off on a tangent Scotty said, "The story?" and gestured around the room.

Commander Else paused before saying thoughtfully, "It's an interesting story, although it's hard to say exactly where it begins ... "

The End

A/N: If you've read this all the way to the end, and I've made your day even a little better by telling me what you liked you'll return the favour which is, after all, only fair.