Title – Lie To Me. Are You Looking For Me.
Pairing – Barney/ Robin
Author Notes – This is my first HIMYM fan fic – so be gentle! Please R & R.
Disclaimer – I do not own these Chars.
Flashing colors reflected upon his solemn face, his hand occupied with a glass of scotch, the ice clinking against the side, the thick cigar smoke hazing, swirling towards the ceiling. His eyes transfixed by the hazed images of commercialization. He could concentrate on nothing. Could not focus on anything but the empty; sunken feeling he had across his chest. His throat felt constantly dry. His eyes as if somebody had poured tiny grains of sand into the delicate flesh. Blood shot and weary his usually vibrant, piercing blue eyes alert and observant now mimicked the rest of his body language. Sluggish – fumbling. Struggling. It had all seemed so different. Not so long ago.
It had all started with admiration from afar. That quickly escalated to a 'crush'. Which had suddenly become. Love. Robin had become his infatuation. She had become the starting point of change. Change begets change. Until all of a sudden you don't really have any idea of how you used to be. He had always been. The sudden admission of feelings for somebody other than himself had caught him off guard. Had entrance Lily who had obliged and encouraged him to pursue his feelings. It had all seemed so simple. He had seen couples in their "natural" environment. Had endured the aftermath of a break up. But never fully understood both concepts until now. She had left as quickly as she had come. The beginning phrase of their relationship sounding contraindicative as time passed by ever so slowly.
For once in his life. Barney had been something more. Than the rebound guy. Something other than revenge. He had been used to that behavior from the women he had spent lonely nights hunting in a mere effort to avoid the empty apartment he called home. He was all show. Act it. You will be It.
Wrong.
He had seen things with Robin. Had looked forward to it even. He had seen a future. A relationship. He had glimpsed Love. Had seen it in her eyes. Or at least thought he had. We fear what we don't know. He had refused to put the first move on a woman like that. Instead she had thrown herself towards him. He had grasped at her. Savoring the taste of her lips, the way her skin felt beneath his finger tips. The way her lashes contrasted with her porcelain skin as she exhaled her breath against his lips. The warmth almost ghosting as he reminisced , his own fingers swiping at his dry lips almost as if he could still feel it.
It had been merely moments he had felt such joy. Had been so thankful. His room still smelt like her. Her perfume lingering against sheets, He remembers the light kisses on the side of her neck, stroking her hair while she slept. Remembers the feel of her skin, tracing the elegant length of her neck, her shoulder blades and how they protruded through her shirt. Remembers the way her hand felt when it snaked around his. Remembers resting his head in the crook of her neck, the listless breaths of her slumber. He remembers entwined legs, the echoing of a heartbeat. He remembers all that. Just for now. Just then. It was perfection.
It wouldn't take long for the shine to be off the apple. He had known it would be coming swiftly. Had almost seen the shame in her eyes. The way she looked at him. Pulling away so quickly as though he had burnt her. He had hope then. Even merely that she wouldn't be like the others. The time had passed.
He had watched her dress, heard the words she spat. Heard her say that it was his idea . His plan. That's all he wanted. That's all he was going to get. That was it. It was a mistake. He was still. So still. The words chipped and chipped at him. Until all he heard was the sound of a slamming door. That's all he ever was to anybody.
Robin. He could still feel her. He loved her. His hand clenched his glass tightly. So tight he swear it may break. Crunching ice, he exhaled slowly. Feelings were complicated. He reserved them only for particular people. She had trodden over them so briskly. So quickly. So brutally. He could almost feel the verbal slaps. Could hear the sound of the tape inside his mind replaying over and over. It didn't seem to get easier. The cool slice of rejection running rampant through his heart. Maybe he just shouldn't try anymore. Maybe it was all better as a fantasy to let himself believe that he was worthy of Robin. Maybe all he really was ; was a slut.
She was lying. Every word she said. He had made it more than clear the night before she was anything but an extra curricular. He had opened up. Had gotten rid of the suits. Disbanded the one man production he played so casually. To let her SEE him. For what he was. He had made love to her. Had refused to call it anything else. This meant something to him. He needed her to lie. Needed to hear her say it meant something to her to. He needed to know that he wasn't a mistake to her.
He had wandered the floors in his apartment for what seemed like an eternity. Had done everything to take his mind off her. Had drank. Smoked. Showered in boiling water. Had savored the sensation of water droplets marking his skin, cutting like tiny razors. He had tried everything to forget those eyes. The way they had pierced his. He just couldn't shake that image.
She had left clean . She avoided his hands, avoided the pleas. The almost desperation to keep her from saying those words. He would be lying if he said they hadn't stung at all. There was a reason he was so still. There was a reason he remembers the white flowing dress, the way her hair fell about her shoulders. There were so many reasons.
He remembers searching for her hand in the subdued light of his room that night. Remembers the hollow sensation of loneliness. He remembers getting on his knees.
Help Me.
Robin walked briskly, clutching her coat to her chest as she stomped towards her apartment. Head bowed tears splashing down her cheeks. She had screamed the most hurtful things towards him. Had screeched at the top of her lungs. It was something she had never seen before. A silent Barney. He had sat so quietly as she hurled abuse. Accusing him of taking advantage of her. She knew damn well it was her that had encouraged the first move. She swore that morning. She had seen part of him almost die.
It confused her – It worried her.
How would she deal with this.
How would he deal with this.
TBC?