First of all: IM BACK! (Sort of) Second of this is yet another parody of sorts/how RE6 should actually went. If you don't like it, tough tits then. You have been warned...enjoy!
Leon S. Kennedy and Chris Redfield have faced gruesome challenges and powerful enemies over the years. This time, however, they may have met their match. In order to survive, they both have to team up and take down their next opponent. Our story takes place in a city known as Tall Oaks City where the C-Virus had infected most of the population. Leon and Chris were sent down into the city to destroy the virus and take out the one responsible for it. Little did they know that the zombies would be the least of their problems for what would soon happen. Leon and Chris were just finish with wiping out a horde of mutated zombies and were quietly walking down an abandoned alleyway.
"I think we lost them…" Chris said in a husky voice.
"Good. I was starting to run low on ammo back but you saved my skin. Thanks man." Leon replied.
"Anytime. We should hurry along and meet up with the others before anything else happens."
The ground suddenly starts to shake violently and the world's worst sound shot through in the darkness.
"LEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN NNNNNNNN!" It screamed and the whole ground started to open up. Leon and Chris looked at each other before looking back at the ground.
"Oh shit…" Leon muttered. Flames started to spout out like lava and the earthquake shook violently. A blonde haired girl soon hovers from beneath the flames and Leon quickly knew who the girl was.
"It's Ashley Graham!" Leon exclaimed. Chris looked at him, then at Ashley, and then back at Leon.
"…Really…" Chris said. Just then the sounds of another woman grunting could be heard, and the boys turned to see another woman crawling from underneath the hole.
"Chris! Me and my sweet ass are on the way!" She cried
"…Oh no…" He muttered.
This woman was struggling to climb up this bottomless pit and I mean practically scratching the walls with her bare hands. When she finally reached the top, Chris's heart sank and slowly backed away from the hole. This woman was a hot ass mess. Her clothes were covered in soot, ash, acid, sweat, and anything else you could think of and her hair was a giant bird's nest.
"Chris! Me and my sweet ass are finally here!" Exclaimed Jessica.
"Ohh Hell no! Not this annoying bitch too!" Chris yelled. Leon looked at Jessica and then back at Chris.
"…You two huh?" He asked.
"Sorry we're late boys! We were just soooooo eager to you again!" Jessica cried
"Yeah hehe! But we didn't have time to get dolled up so we just came as we were!" Ashley added. They were both sweaty and gross looking from being underneath the BOWELS of Hell. (Literally in the shit pits of Hell) Ashley was just dripping in sweat and shit and still wearing the same clothes from RE4 and the same nasty gross white underwear underneath. Her hair was just as messed up and crazy as Jessica's. The girls even tried to be seductive but all you could hear was Leon trying not to hurl his lunch up.
"We can see that…" Chris said.
"Well Wesker does like his women wild and crazy! We didn't even shave!" Ashley exclaimed and Leon just puked his poor guts out.
"No I don't!" A familiar voice calls out from the pits of Hell.
"Yes you do! Don't lie Wesker!" Jessica called out. Wesker then jumps from out of the hole and stands beside the two girls.
"I'm not lying and besides I like my women slimy and covered with tentacles!" He exclaimed and all of a sudden this huge slimy tentacle like creature come out of nowhere and we've seen enough hentai to know where this was going. Everyone just puked their guts out as Wesker walked over the monster and started to make out and fondle with its…tentacles? As Wesker was about to make love to Excella (Or what was left of her), Chris and Leon took this opportunity to run like hell, while the girls weren't looking.
"Ah! They're escaping! Let's go after them!" Jessica exclaimed.
"LEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Ashley yelled in a death metal voice, almost like Nathan Explosion. This only made Leon and Chris run even faster. As they were running from the alleyway and onto the streets of the city, Leon saw a familiar face.
"Hey it's Ada! Adaaaaa!" He cried out.
"What are you two doing?" She asked as they stopped and took a breath.
"We're going shopping. What do you think we're doing." Chris huffed
"Nemesis and Pyramid Head are chasing after us. We need your help in killing them!" Leon yelled.
"Well uh how bad is it?" Ada asked.
"Ohhhh Chris! Did we mention that we're PMSing right now and we're super ultra hyper mega horny right now?" Jessica called out.
"If we hurry, we can beat our periods!" Ashley added.
"Well would you look at the time! I gotta go!" Ada yelled and bolted off into the darkness.
"Ada wait!" Leon called out
"There's no time man! We gotta move it!" Chris yelled and they started to run again. They ran and ran and ran until they finally met up with Jake, Sherry, Helena, and Pierce who were standing around, eating pie, and talking about the latest episode of Sailor Hamburger.
"Oh thank God you guys are here!" Leon exclaimed.
"Can you help us? We're being attacked!" Chris added. They looked at Jessica and Ashley who looked like two mutated squids on crack, then back at Chris and Leon, then the piece of pie, and finally back at the boys.
"Naaah I think we're good." Jake said.
"But we're being attacked!" Chris yelled.
"You two are, but we aren't. Besides we're busy right now!" Sherry added.
"Busy doing what?!" Leon exclaimed.
"Eating? Duh." Helena replied.
"We could die!" Chris added.
"Well too bad you…WILL DIE!" Pierce yelled and you could hear tons of facepalms afterwards. The sound of hissing and footsteps got closer which was a sign that Chris and Leon needed to leave. They ran past some houses and building and abandoned cars, while trying to lose them. They succeeded…for a while and Ashley and Jessica knew that they would lose their men if they didn't pick up the pace. Leon and Chris were hiding behind a car and taking a breath after running for some time.
"…I think we lost them…" Leon said.
"Good. I was afraid we wouldn't lose them and I would have to hear things like 'Chriissssss my feet hurt' or 'Chrisssssssss let me suck your cock before the Ooze gets us!'" He added
"At least it's better than hearing your name being screamed and moaned whenever a bird would fly by." Leon added.
"I think we both got it bad…"
Suddenly the car that they were hiding behind was lifted up by none other than Ashley herself. Her eyes at this point were red and she had the joker like grin on her face. Jessica was right next to her with the same eyes and grin.
"LEEOOOOOOOOOOOON! I finally found you!" Said Ashley in her satanic voice.
"Now come give my sweet ass a kiss!" Jessica added in the same satanic voice. The two of them started to run again while Ashley and Jessica were right behind making awkward smoothing sound. Leon turned around and saw Ashley's lips were twice as big as Nikki Minaj who was stung by a bee and later blew 12 guys at a frat party. Chris looked over and saw that Jessica's lips looked like Meleena/a Haunter on crack.
"Get over here!" Jessica screamed and launched a spear at Chris's feet. It wrapped around his foot and Chris went down face first onto the ground like a bird who was struck by lightning.
"Man down! Man down! Alert! Alert!" Chris screamed.
"Chris!" Leon yelled and took out his gun. Chris was being pulled by Ashley and Jessica who had the look of "dick deprived" in their eyes. Leon shot at the rope and Chris got to his feet. They kept on running like someone lit their asses on fire. The sound of hurling was heard, shortly, and a large flaming acid ball was seen flying near the boys' feet. When it landed, it smelt quite fishy and nasty.
"Awwww now they can shoot this?!" Chris exclaimed.
"Quick! Into that warehouse!" Leon yelled and they flew inside. They slammed the doors, locked it, bolted it, blocked it in with a giant statue of the three boob Etole, chained it up, and taped it up shut. A sigh of relief quickly turned into worry when they turned around and saw a cornucopia of zombies inside. Chris and Leon didn't have enough fire power to take them all down and they weren't going back outside to the hell spawn twins.
"Uhh…hello?" Leon called out and their heads turned in the direction of Chris and Leon.
"Hey…aren't you those dickholes that killed our own kindddddd….." The leader hissed.
"Uhhh no?" Chris answered.
"Liar!" One of them yelled.
"We should feast on their brains while it's still warm…." Another added.
"Wait! You can't kill us! Can't you help us?" Leon added.
"Nooo! We have no need to help your kind!" The leader yelled.
"We'll do anything! We'll meet your demands!" Leon pleaded. The sound of the door banging meant that the girls were trying to break down the door. They were running out of time and the zombies were aware of this.
"Anything you say…?" The leader repeated.
"YES!" Chris and Leon exclaimed. The leader whispered a couple of things to the other zombies and they nodded. The leader soon pulled out a can of lemon pledge and smiled.
"We need more lemon pledge…." The leader hissed. The boys looked at the zombie, then the can, then the zombie, then the can again, then the door, and back at the zombie.
"What the fuck do you need lemon pledge for! You guys don't have shit to clean!" Chris yelled.
"We want to smell lemony fresh! Zombie gotta get clean too!" It exclaimed.
"…I would rather sleep with Luis's bleeding dead rotting corpse than give you guys lemon pledge." Leon added.
"That can be arranged!" Luis said from the crowd of zombies.
"NO!" Everyone yelled.
"Well I don't know what to tell youuuu…." It hissed again. Just then the sounds of zombies hissing and drums being played was heard and in the middle of the room were two groups of zombies arguing. The Ganados and the Majini were fighting over who ate the last Twinkie.
"It was yoooooou that did it!" Said the Ganados zombie.
"No! It was you! I was saving it for later!" The Majini zombie replied.
"And you ate the Captain Crunch berries you greedy bastard!"
"Because you ate my motherfucking twinkie!"
And then a mix of Spanish and Swahili was heard and the two zombie groups got into a huge fight.
"…There isn't enough lemon pledge in the world to stop this…" Chris exclaimed.
"Eeeeeee! Stop fighting!" The leader yelled and joined in the giant fight of tacos flying, The Big Cheese crying, drums being played, and the zombie twerk team twerking apparently. Chris and Leon looked at each other and were like "Fuck this" and ran out of the warehouse. After dealing with the zombies, Chris and Leon ran onto to the streets and ran into Jill and Claire looking like badasses in the street.
"Leon!" Claire called out.
"Jill!" Chris yelled.
"Claire?" Leon asked.
"Chris! What are you doing here?" Jill answered.
"We're being chased by demons! We need your help in defeating them!" Chris replied.
"From what?" Claire repeated and the boys pointed to Ashley and Jessica storming the albatross and running towards them.
"Fangirls…God they're persistent like cockroaches." Jill muttered.
"Everyone won't join forces and help. Will you help us?" Leon asked.
"Of course we will! But first…" Claire replied and then turned to Jill to ask her a question.
"Jill…I've been trying to get the same hair color like you have for years! How do you get your hair so blonde and beautiful?" Claire asked.
"Why it's because of the T-Virus I have such long flowing hair! T-Virus! Because I'm worth it!" Jill answered and let down her long hair. Out of the blue, someone randomly bring up a huge fan and the wind starts blowing her hair in slow motion. Claire joins in and starts to rub her body slowly and seductively. Leon and Chris were liking this a lot. Ashley and Jessica not so much.
"Hey! We can be sexy too!" Jessica added
"Watch this!" Ashley said and the girl were doing the same thing but it didn't go so well. When they both lifted their arms up and started to pose sexy, a waterfall of sweat poured from their armpits and a wave of funk hit the group like nothing else. It smelt like rotten eggs, moldy cake, unwashed butts and anything else in between.
"…Please stop…" They whispered. Jill and Claire just scoffed at them.
"Pfff that's not very sexy. It's very scary if that's what you were aiming for." Jill scoffed.
"Yeah and plus you guys stink!" Claire added.
"How dare you insult us like that!" Ashley exclaimed.
"We'll show you!" Jessica said and the biggest cat fight erupted from within. From the looks of it, it looked like a cheesy 80s porno flick that went wrong. Jessica went in and bitchslapped Jill, which caused Jill to fall down and her top exploding. Ashley kicked Claire down and her clothes magically ripped apart.
"Ohhhhh noooo! Our clothes have been torn apaaaart!" Jill cried.
"Oh noooo! Everyone can see my underwear now!" Claire added. Jill was wearing a lacy strapless bra with a light blue thong, while Claire had on a push up bra and pink kitten panties on. As Claire stood up, Ashley pushed her down and landed on Jill in a very sexual pose of her being on top, while Jill was on the bottom, holding her waist. Leon was getting a little flustered and warm, while Chris tried his best to look away.
"Damn Jill…you're looking hot!" Leon muttered. Blaine, from Cinnabar Island, was peeking from the corner to get a better look at the girls.
"And Claire…damn you're looking sexy!" Leon added and the two girls blushed. Chris however saw it differently.
"Hey! That's my sister you asshole!" Chris yelled.
"What! I can't help it that Jill and your sister's hot!" Leon replied.
"Yeah!" Blaine commented. "When they're hot, they're HOT!" Chris gave them both dirty looks.
"That doesn't mean you gotta catcall her like she's a whore!" Chris yelled.
"I can't help it that Claire likes to run around in booty shorts and revealing clothes when fighting zombies! Now if you excuse me, I'm going make myself a Jill Sandwich." Leon said but was soon eating Chris's fist when he gave him a powerful punch.
"Come on let's move!" Chris yelled and they both ran like the wind. Ashley and Jessica followed suit and the chase was on, while Blaine was having a Jill sandwich on wheat. Chris and Leon finally found a building and quickly ran inside from the demon twins.
"Thank God we lost th-"Chris said before he was interrupted by the sound of a J'avos couple getting in on while playing Silent Hill 4: The Toilet in the background. The sound of mayonnaise being slapped together and the bed rocking was painful for both of the men to endure. It quickly ended when the zombie couple saw the two and nearly had a heart attack.
"What are you doing here?!" The male-ish one hissed.
"Can't you see that we're busy!" The female-ish one also added.
"…We're in the middle of a zombie outbreak, people are dying in the streets, chaos is all over the place, we're being chased by two hormonal women, and you two jerkoffs are having sex in the middle of this abandoned building?!" Chris yelled.
"Yes. That's the plan buddy." The male one replied.
"…Well carry on then. Pardon us!" Leon said and they both left the room. They soon found themselves cornered. There was nowhere else to run or even hide.
"Shit, what do we do now?" Leon asked. The door soon flew open and there stood Ashley and Jessica. They were both drooling acid and spit and were getting closer and closer to them. The boys could see vaginal secretions dripping from their legs.
"…Fuck it! If we have sex with you two, will you leave us alone?" Chris asked.
"Oh God yes!" They exclaimed.
"Very well then…Leon…let's do this." Chris muttered. Leon nodded slowly and they both unzipped their pants. Jessica and Ashley quickly ripped their clothes off and stood before Leon and Chris. Soon enough they were getting it on like Baraka Obama and Kano Cuccinelli at a Nutella convention. Jessica threw Chris down and started to ride him like a clown at a rodeo convention. Meanwhile Leon was struggling to put it in Ashley.
"Ohh Leon be careful! I forgot to take a shower so I'm kind of an acid bath down there!" Ashley giggled. Leon took a quick glance at it and she wasn't kidding. Her pussy was practically dripping with vaginal secretions, sweat, and acid. It was pretty much the dead pool from Mortal Kombat is what I'm conveying to you. Leon slowly hovered himself above her entrance and Ashley started to scream in pleasure.
"OH GOD IT'S SO GOOD!" She screamed.
"…But I haven't even gone in yet…" Leon thought to himself. Jessica was having a grand old time.
"Oh yeah! Gimme more!" Jessica yelled and leaned in to grab Chris's shoulders. He could see her gain muscles, more muscles than him in her arms and body. It was like she was becoming the Hulk and trying to rip his cock off.
"Grab my tits, Chris! Grab them!" She huffed in a deep and manly voice. Chris obeyed and gave them a good squeeze.
"Ugh! I said grab not fucking fondle them!" She moaned and he grabbed them harder; to the point of almost making boob lemonade.
"OOOOOOOO HARDEEEEERRRRRR!" She huffed and Chris gave her a 'WTF' look. Meanwhile Leon was slowly thrusting inside of little miss cist pool while Ashley was moaning her tits off. He had the most bored look on his face as he continued to thrust in her.
"Leoooooooooon! Grab my soft tender breasteseses!" Ashley cried out. Leon instead gave her nipples a teeny tiny poke and she was screaming her head off. She was screaming so loud everyone, even the writer of this story, could hear her. Jessica however was getting sick of it.
"Oh my God, Ashley! Shut the fuck up! You're killing the mood with your stupid screaming!" Jessica yelled.
"…I think you're killing my dick…" Chris thought to himself.
"But it's so good! I can't help it that my man is waaaaaaaay better than your man!" Ashley replied.
"What are trying to say, Ashley? That Chris isn't good in bed?" Jessica asked.
"That's exactly what I'm saying! My Leon knows how to love a woman and please her in the right spots!"
Jessica stops pounding the life out of Chris and got up from him so fast, he thought she took his cock with her.
"At least my man knows how to make it hurt! Your man doesn't do shit!" Jessica added. Ashley pushed Leon off of her and walked over to Jessica.
"Take that back you whore!" Ashley demanded.
"Never you skank!" Jessica replied and pushed Ashley back. Ashley pushed her back and gave her a dirty look.
"Fine…looks like we're going to have to settle this a different way." Ashley muttered. All of sudden, Jessica and Ashley went all super sayian five and shit and flew up into the skies. Their hairs were both yellow and spiked up and a giant kung fu manic battle happened.
"I will destroy you!" Said Ashley but her mouth kept moving when she was done talking.
"Not if I destroy you first bitch!" Jessica added and her mouth kept moving as well when her voice was done talking. The two girls summoned their inner hamburger goddesses and did some weird ass hand signals.
"Kaa…may…haah…may…HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAH!" They both screamed and shot a huge blast of energy from their twats. It was powerful. So powerful that it would blow the Great Mighty Poo back into the toilet. It would briefly bring Nappa back from the dead and kill him again it was so powerful. There was a massive throbbing huge explosion that pretty much wiped the entire city and any trace of the C-Virus. They was no sign of the girls, so Leon and Chris assumed that the blast killed them. As they got their clothes on and walked towards the sunset, Chris and Leon looked at each and said, "What the Fuck…" And that's how Resident Evil 6 ended.
The End!
This has been Resident Evil 6. Join us next time for Wesker and the Slime Monster. I hope you've enjoyed this feature presentation. Thank you and good night.