WARNING: This ISN'T read in a common fashion! This story is written in part prose and part script! Why? Because I find it's faster to read!
WARNING II: In prose (so the way a novel is written for those who don't know) America, Russia, Lithuania and other participating characters will be reffered to by their respective roles! So don't be confused!
WARNING III: This story is the product of my BOREDOM so enjoy and prepare to be mind fucked :D
WARNING IV: The story The Little Mermaid is ridiculed and ruined so if you're going to be offended then, well, shut up or don't read it xD As simple as that my friends
WARNING V: Lawlz jk, enjoy ;P
BTW: Narrator isn't necessarily me...actually, narrator can be you for all I care but narrator remains a participating character :D
Some things in life should be illegal and one of them should be me writing in this specific state of mind U_U
ENJOY
CHARACTER ROLES
AMERICA – Ariella (the Little Mermaid)
RUSSIA – Prince Eric
CANADA – Flounder (the random fish thing)
ENGLAND – Ursula (the squid thing)
FRANCE – King Triton (the guy I thought was named Neptune)
JAPAN – Sebastian (that lobster thing)
DENMARK – Prince Eric's dad
LITHUANIA – Prince Eric's steward
PRUSSIA – the random-but-not-so-random merman
Somewhere in the land of Denmark lived a tyrannical Prince who enjoyed randomly travelling the ocean that boarded his castle. The Prince was an agile sailor and preferred working alone but always decided to bring along his steward in order to torture him a little knowing full well that the latter had a fear of water.
And the specific day where the story is now taking place just so happens to have a storm raging and tearing the ocean.
LITHUANIA (Prince Eric's steward) green
I-I think I'm going to be sick…
RUSSIA (Prince Eric)
You better not throw up on my ship or else you will need to pay a visit to the torture chamber.
LITHUANIA puking overboard
P-please tell me… why you felt the need to…go out in this storm…
RUSSIA evil smile
Because I know how much you enjoy the water.
LITHUANIA pale and wobbly
W-was it really…worth risking your life to…what's in…looks at the ocean
RUSSIA laughing
Indeed it was! Now amuse me with the Danish folk tales you heard from my idiotic people!
LITHUANIA
Y-you're Father…
RUSSIA interrupting
Did you just call my father idiotic?
LITHUANIA shocked and nervous
W-what!? When did I ever—
RUSSIA smirking
And now you're calling me a liar?
LITHUANIA on the verge of tears
W-why? Why are you doing that?
RUSSIA
To come up with a valid excuse to punish you.
LITHUANIA
When was coming up with a reason ever necessary?
RUSSIA thinking
Good point. Now entertain me with folktales while the storm rages and potentially threatens our lives!
LITHUANIA sighing and containing his sea-sickness
W-well…from what your father tells me, there are a bunch of things that live in the sea…the most scary ones are mermaids…
RUSSIA
Mermaids?
LITHUANIA nodding
Y-yes…they were said to intoxicate sailors …as to have them crash their boat into rocks or something of the sort…they were also said that grow quite ugly once one would get too close and devour the man that had fallen for her charm…
RUSSIA ignoring whatever the steward was saying
Wasn't there this legend where, if one were to capture the tears of a mermaid, they would be granted eternal life?
LITHUANIA
T-that's in Pirates of the Caribbean! It's not a real thing and even if it was, the Fountain of Youth was destroyed by the Spanish!
RUSSIA smirking mischievously
Ah, but there are always other ways to reach eternal life in this magical world.
LITHUANIA on the verge of tears again
No…don't tell me…
RUSSIA commanding voice
Steward! Ready all the other stations of this large boat! We're finding ourselves a mermaid and gaining eternal life!
LITHUANIA
How…kind…but I don't want to live forever.
RUSSIA
I'm sorry; did I give you an option?
Without further word, Prince Eric made a b line for the steering wheel of the ship and began humming the Pirates of the Caribbean theme aloud as he veered the ship abruptly. His steward flew to the other end of the ship, nearly falling off, but holding onto some ropes for his dear life.
God he hated the water.
A few hours earlier, under the sea, fishes and other ocean creatures sang joyous, annoying but catchy songs about all the wonders of the vast mass of water and other things of little interest to, well, anyone. As they did so, a mermaid with a luscious voice joined into the melody rendering all the other fishes quiet.
AMERICA (Ariella)
…
…?
AMERICA
…
What are you doing? Sing!
AMERICA
I don't want to! It's embarrassing enough that I'm half naked but now I have to sing!? I can't even sing all that well! Can't my bro just do it!? He is responsible for Celine Dion – granted her songs are getting annoying but her voice is still amazing.
Seriously, Amer – Ariella, when will you ever obey the script?
AMERICA shrugging
Never, I guess, since it takes away all my freedom.
All right, anyways, back to the story; maybe the mermaid didn't sing but the sea creatures stopped to stare at her mesmerizing beauty. Her golden hair locks swayed gently with the calm current of the ocean and her eyes, matching the intensity of the water, flashed brilliantly like the rarest jewel ever. Out of everything that lived in the Danish ocean, she was the most beautiful.
Her name was Ariella and she was the youngest daughter of Triton, King of the Sea.
The princess had wandered away from the castle as she did many times to go treasure hunting; until recently all she had really found was useless crap. A few days prior she had come across the movie franchise Resident Evil in which they told the story of Alice which never appeared in the game series. Of course, the princess had been distraught by that thought. She had thought it ludicrous that a filler character was the main intrigue for the movie but soon learned to love Alice and think of her as some one uber cool.
And so, after working night and day to have the blu-ray and flat screen work under water, she managed to watch all of the movies and find Alice, simply, kick ass. But now, news had come across to her that there was another Resident Evil movie, released about a week ago named Resident Evil : Retribution. The awesomeness packed title was enough to assure Ariella that, no matter what, she would find a way to see said movie but there was only one problem. Hollywood or Cineplex didn't care for showing off their epic movies to the underwater mammals.
Racist bastards.
Thus, this fact left Ariella with only one option; to find a way to the surface as to be able to experience Resident Evil : Retribution. However, her father was less than cooperative in the matter, which brings us back to why she was roaming the sea anyways. She was looking for something to prove to her father that she would be fine.
AMERICA looking around
I got to find something to prove to Father that I'll be fine…
Something shiny, half buried in the sand caught her eye and the sea princess swam towards it intrigued.
AMERICA grinning
This'll do.
CANADA (Flounder) swimming at full speed towards Ariella
Ariella!
AMERICA smiling
Ah, bro.
CANADA sighing
You know Narrator will get mad if you keep calling me bro.
I'm already mad that you guys keep breaking the flow of the story AND the fourth wall.
AMERICA
See? Narrator's already mad so it doesn't matter anymore.
CANADA sighing
Whatever. Getting back to the story, Ariella! King Triton is looking for you!
AMERICA whining
What did I do now?
CANADA
I'm not too sure. He said something about the birds and the bees but I have no idea what that means because I'm a fish. And fish know nothing about birds or bees… okay maybe the birds because they're one of our natural predators – the sea birds at least…
AMERICA slowly
Sure, bro…
Curious about the reason for his summoning, Ariella decided not to delay her arrival as she normally did to add posters of Resident Evil, Leonardo DiCaprio and a bunch of other cool stuff in her secret hide out. She reached the sea castle quickly enough and found her father, sitting on the throne, a Prussian merman fixing up his hair as if he had just had a very…eventful moment with the King of the Sea.
FRANCE (King Triton) to the random-but-not-so-random merman
I didn't know our kind could be…so flexible, mon amour.
PRUSSIA (the random-but-not-so-random merman) smirking
Don't even lie you pervert. We've slept together a bunch of times, you knew what I was capable of, just not on the throne. Winks
AMERICA aside
Too many details…
FRANCE still not noticing Ariella
True. How about we try this again with the Spanish merman next time, oui?
PRUSSIA leaving
You perv. You bet'cha we're doing it with that Spaniard. I'll go tell him.
EXIT the random-but-not-so-random merman
AMERICA clearing throat
Hey dad…
FRANCE finally noticing Ariella
Ah my son-boy-girl-daughter-transvestite-fish-princess-thing… How are you doing? I didn't see you there.
AMERICA
Of course you didn't.
FRANCE
So what brings you to me, mon coeur? How's your brother-fish-friend-thing doing?
AMERICA
Bro told me you wanted to tell me about the birds and the bees. Whatever that means.
FRANCE laughing
Oh non. That was something I was telling your brother-fish-friend-thing because I thought it was about time he knew how sexual intercourse functioned.
AMERICA
You've never had a conversation like that with me before…
FRANCE
Well, you're a whore, oui? I don't think you need a talk like that from me since that busy tail's working day and night…
AMERICA offended
Hey! I am not a whore! I'm still a virgin!
FRANCE
Not for long.
AMERICA
How so?
FRANCE
Well, mon chéri, I'm sending you to a whore house.
AMERICA outraged
What!? Where the hell did that come from!?
FRANCE
At some point in your practically eternal life, you'll marry a man and take over the Sea and you need to keep him happy. What better way to learn how to do so than at a whore house. You know, that's where I met your mother.
AMERICA
I don't know if I should feel even more offended by that statement…
FRANCE laughing
Oh, I didn't mean that your mother was a whore or anything. I'm really just saying I met her there. I wanted to get laid and when I went into the kitchens to get my normal guy, I found her asking the chef to sign the papers for new cooking equipment that she shipped over. I thought she was beautiful, seduced her, loved her and then we got married, had you and then she died and I'm back to whoring myself like the good King I am.
AMERICA
Dad.
FRANCE
What?
AMERICA
You're a horrible role model.
FRANCE
I know but that's because your mother isn't around to tell me that I'm doing my job wrong.
AMERICA
Now what if I don't want to go to the whorehouse?
FRANCE
Simple. You know that not-so-secret hiding place you have with your Resident Evil posters and Leonardo DiCaprio cut outs and other cool crap? I'm going to tear it to shreds.
AMERICA
You're such a douche.
FRANCE
I'm just following the script.
And reluctantly, Ariella was guided to the whorehouse by Sebastian, the trusty lobster-crab-thing that faithfully served King Triton and was followed by Flounder who always felt the need to be with the little mermaid. Once they arrived, Ariella was less than surprised to be greeted by the Prussian merman.
PRUSSIA grinning
Welcome to the Playboy Fishy mansion! What brings you to this sexy establishment, princess?
AMERICA
Cut the crap. I know you're banging my dad and that you're here to make me a sex god. Do you're thing so I can get out of here as fast as I can.
JAPAN (Sebastian) worriedly
Ariella! Language!
PRUSSIA smirking
Right but wrong.
AMERICA sceptically
What do you mean?
PRUSSIA
Your father does want me to make you into a sex god but I don't want to. I'm actually here to send you to the Witch of the Sea to set off the whole story and get it back on track.
AMERICA
The story has derailed what with the whorehouse and everything…fine! Tell me where I can find this Witch of the Sea!
JAPAN interrupting
N-no! I will not let this happen! I was giving strict orders by King Triton and I will obey them!
PRUSSIA grabbing Sebastian
You know, lobster-crab-things aren't supposed to be red until they're cooked…logically, you're ready to be served…
Hence, regardless of Sebastian's struggling and pleas for mercy, he was shipped off to the hungry visitors of the Playboy Fishy mansion who were exhausted from intense sex. He soon returned and eyes Flounder mischievously.
PRUSSIA
Am I going to have a problem with you too?
CANADA yelping
N-no!
PRUSSIA smiling evilly
Good. Now – interrupted by the Pirates of the Caribbean theme
AMERICA looking towards the surface
What is that…?
PRUSSIA
I think a ship is sailing above us…it's clearly having trouble or else the Pirates of the Caribbean theme wouldn't be playing.
AMERICA intrigued
I'm going to go check it out…I'll be right back!
CANADA
Ah! Wait!
Back to the time when the story began, Prince Eric was piloting the ship as best as he could to avoid damages from a giant mutated Squid that had decided to attack them out of the blue. The steward was barely being helpful loading the cannons and firing them on cue but the royal was used to such incompetence and decided to take the matters into his own hands.
RUSSIA pulling out his sword as the Squid appears
Hello beastie.
LITHUANIA exasperated
Did you really just quote Pirates of the Caribbean? At a time like this?
RUSSIA glaring at the steward
Don't kill the moment!
LITHUANIA squeaking
I think the Giant Squid is going to beat me to it!
The Squid brought down one of its massive tentacles on the center of the ship, severing it in two throwing both sailors into the wild ocean. Prince Eric wasn't too sure what had happened to his steward as he swam back to the surface and grabbed a wooden plank to keep him afloat but figured he could always purchase a new one.
He breathed heavily and relaxed as he concluded that the Squid had left but the ocean wasn't done with him. Waves taller than the castle itself smashed upon him with such strength that the board slipped from his grip and forced the Prince deep under the ocean.
For some unknown reason, he began to faint thinking 'I just hope that steward's dead too' before finally closing his eyes and feeling soft arms wrap themselves around him.
Ariella had found the prince falling into the depths of the ocean and brought him back up to the surface as to have him breathe. With difficulty the mermaid dragged the unconscious prince to the beach side and left him there. Suddenly, the sky began to clear and the waves calmed.
AMERICA looking around
The surface is so weird…but…Resident Evil : Retribution…
The princess's gaze moved to the man unconscious bellow her. Suddenly, an idea dawned in her pretty, blonde head.
AMERICA slapping Prince Eric
Hey! Hey! Listen!
RUSSIA moaning
No…go away Navi…no one…likes you…
AMERICA gasping happily
A legend of Zelda fan! Shaking the Prince Wake up! Wake up! We need to have an awesome gamer talk!
RUSSIA eyes fluttering open
Uh…?
AMERICA grinning
Which Legend of Zelda game is your favourite?
RUSSIA confused
What…?
AMERICA
Legend of Zelda! You said Navi didn't you? Or was it navy…
RUSSIA sitting up
Who…are you?
AMERICA sighing
I'm Ariella, princess of the sea. Say, you have legs, why don't you take me to what you guys call a movie theatre and bring me to the room where I can see Resident Evil : Retribution.
RUSSIA covering Ariella's mouth
You need to stop talking for a moment…
AMERICA glaring
Domft comfver mfy mfouth (don't cover my mouth) bites
RUSSIA pulls his hand away
Feisty! I think I would enjoy making you my bride…
AMERICA
No! No! Not this again! I am a man! I know the Narrator keeps saying I'm a mermaid but I'm a merman! I have a sea-penis! I swear I do!
RUSSIA flirty
Mind showing it?
AMERICA diving towards the ocean
And the sea calls me!
RUSSIA calling
You will be mine beautiful maiden of the vast blue!
AMERICA before diving
I'm a man!
RUSSIA
Even better!
Wondering what the hell was wrong with that human, Ariella swam back to the whore house where the random-but-not-so-random merman and Flounder had gotten to know each other, rather…intimately.
AMERICA resuming the earlier conversation
So…where were we?
PRUSSIA
I was telling you about the Witch of the Sea.
AMERICA
Right. Why do I need to go see her?
PRUSSIA
You said you wanted to go see Resident Evil: Retribution so here's you chance. You'll just need to make a deal with her and she'll give you legs to walk and off you can go to see a movie.
AMERICA excited
Sweet! How do I get there?
PRUSSIA
It's really simple, I'll use the magic of a line-breaker to teleport you to her lair.
AMERICA
Awe—
PRUSSIA interrupting
Provided you let me keep your little…Flounder as a sex-slave
CANADA yelping
No way! A—
AMERICA monotone
Yeah, sure, I'm down with it.
CANADA angry
You bastard! I thought we were friends!
AMERICA
No, you're my bro and as my bro I know you'll forgive me eventually. To the random-but-not-so-random merman, Now use your line breaker magic to teleport me to my key to see Resident Evil : Retribution.
AMERICA amazed
Whoa! It actually worked!
ENGLAND (Witch of the Sea) covering naked self
That the hell are you doing here!? How did you get here!?
AMERICA smirking
Well, hello.
ENGLAND throwing something at Ariella's face
Would you stop staring at me you perverted freak!
AMERICA laughing and looking away
Fine, fine. Stop freaking out already.
ENGLAND bitterly
Well how would you feel if someone randomly barged into your room while you were naked!?
AMERICA pondering
Well depending on how gorgeous the person who walked in was, either awesome or not awesome. But what were you doing naked anyways?
ENGLAND blushing
N-none of your business…
If Ariella would have dared to look out the windows at that same moment, she would have seen her father swimming away, a mischievous look on his face.
ENGLAND not as naked as before
You can turn around now.
AMERICA turns around
Kay.
ENGLAND
Now what do you want?
AMERICA
Right! I want legs!
ENGLAND sceptical
Why?
AMERICA
Because I really want to see Resident Evil: Retribution! That's why!
ENGLAND
So you're ignoring what your father wants you to do in order to go see a movie about a kick ass woman named Alice who kills zombies like a boss?
AMERICA
Yup…wait, how did you know?
ENGLAND stuttering
N-never mind. I hope you know that everything you ask of me comes with a price.
AMERICA
Sure, but I want to get my fish tail by the end of the day because I really just want to see the movie. I'll become a sex-god after I know what Alice does so…
ENGLAND
Yeah, whatever. Anyways, my condition is that you have to have sex with the last person you saved before coming here to get your tail back.
AMERICA
Sure no prob—freezes
ENGLAND raising an eyebrow
Is there a problem?
AMERICA
N-no…Can it be the second last person I saved? That chick was so hot!
ENGLAND
No.
AMERICA whining
Oh come one! Why?
ENGLAND
Because it's the condition I imposed.
AMERICA
Can't you just impose a different one? The last person I saved was a creep and a guy!
ENGLAND
Do you want to see Resident Evil or not?
AMERICA pausing
I do…
ENGLAND
And do you want to get your tail back?
AMERICA another pause
I do…
ENGLAND concluding
Then you're going to have to have sex with the last guy you saved.
AMERICA pouting
This is so unfair! I'm a guy! A guy can't have sex with another guy!
ENGLAND
You did in three past lives.
AMERICA
I was sleeping the third time!
ENGLAND rolling his eyes
Of course you were.
AMERICA
I was.
ENGLAND
I know.
AMERICA
Then why do you sound so sarcastic?
ENGLAND
You're just jumping to conclusions too fast.
AMERICA doubtfully
Am I? Am I really?
ENGLAND
Yes. Now with the magic of line breakers, you shall be teleported to the surface and you will have legs.
AMERICA surprised
Wow, line breaker magic must be powerful and very convenient if everyone else is using it. Wiggling his toes Now to go see Resident Evil: Retribution!
Meanwhile, Prince Eric had found his steward and gone to his father for aid.
DENMARK (Prince Eric's dad so basically, the King)
This does not make sense.
Shut up. This story takes place in Denmark so you have to be the king.
DENMARK whining
But who's going to believe that I'm Russia's dad!?
You're ruining the illusion! And we were doing so well because America wasn't killing it! Just go with it!
DENMARK sighing and acting badly
What is it, my son?
RUSSIA
Father, I need all of the guards at our disposal to guard the only movie theatre in the kingdom which so happens to be in this very city.
DENMARK
That's stupid. Why would I do that?
RUSSIA scary smile
I'm sorry, did I make it seem as though I was asking permission? I meant that I'm taking every guard at your disposal and planting them in front of the only movie theatre in the kingdom which so happens to be in this very city.
DENMARK scared
Okay…cool…have fun, my boy…
And that was how all the guards that was at Prince Eric's Father's disposal was planted in front of the theatre, surveying everyone who wanted to go see a movie for what the Prince had described as 'a gorgeous maiden of the vast blue with amber hair and topaz-like eyes'. Since that description had been interpreted differently by the guards, they had not noticed Ariella casually walk into the theatres to watch Resident Evil: Retribution.
When the movie was finished, she jumped out of the theatre pumped as hell and pretending to shoot everyone with a handgun just like Alice had – except with real guns – in the movie he had just seen.
AMERICA pumped
Yeah! That was so awesome! There wasn't really a story but the explosions and zombie killing was so awesome! And Alice is so badass!
It was at that moment that Prince Eric decided it would be a good time to ask his guards of a news update when he spotted the sexy being that had captured his heart. Without hesitation he ran towards Ariella and caught her hand as she made her way out of the crowd of guards.
AMERICA noticing Prince Eric
Oh. We need to have sex, you and me.
RUSSIA surprised
Really? You're being so willing for once.
AMERICA
Well I want my tail back now so I can become King of the Sea one day and never have to see you again. Then I'll have a sexy queen, have sex with her and then have a bunch of kids. And, you know, we'll live happily ever after.
RUSSIA smiling cruelly
Not on my watch.
AMERICA nervous
What do you mean not on your watch…?
RUSSIA scooping Ariella in his arms
I'll keep you with me forever. We won't ever have sex but that doesn't mean we can't do sexual things.
AMERICA squirming
What!? No! I want to become King of the Sea!
RUSSIA smirking
I guess you'll have to content yourself with being Queen of Denmark.
AMERICA
Noooo!
And so Prince Eric married Ariella and touched her inappropriately many times but never had sex with her for as long as they lived. King Triton ended up having his threesome with his two mermen-prostitute friends and continued his secret affair with the Witch of the Sea and the rest of the mer-people in all of existence. At some point in time he did wonder where Ariella was due to his getting bored of ruling over the sea but since she was no where to be found – because she had died from old age along with the Prince a few millennia back – he was stuck continuing his rule until the end of time.
All in all, they lived happily ever after.
This was meant to be so much longer but I totally forgot about my original plan and went with the fow of my randomness and basically, the outcome was this xD
I don't think Resident Evil : Retribution is still in theatres but when I first started writing this it was going to appear within three days, then, you know, I got really distracted and only finished it now xD
I actually saw the movie and I liked it a lot my only problem was that I had a bunch of questions that weren't answered that had to do with the last movie and whether a certain character died in Retribution or not is still a mystery to me (because the heart beat stopped but the same thing happened to Alice and she was fine...) but anyways, besides that there wasn't MUCH of a storyline, it was mainly just a thriller movie with a bunch of explosions and flying zombies which doesn't mean it was bad (because it was awesome) xD
I can't wait for the next one to come out =w=
ANYWAYS WHAT FAIRY TALE SHOULD I MOCK NEXT!?
Btw, those reading this for the first time, I wrote three other ones before this one (Cinderella America, Bella America and Snow Blanca America) so if you're interrested, go check 'em out xP