MAGICAL FINAL FANTASY DRAGON STAR WARRIOR HEARTS OR SOMETHING 457457437845
(The screen is dark. The annoying PlayStation emblem pops up, stays there for about a year, then fades. Other symbols are shown. Eventually, an anime sequence starts.)
(Is it very nice and very cryptic. Three people are shown together: one short and handsome guy, one taller, goofier looking guy, and one extremely well-endowed girl who grins a lot. Some crappy music starts playing.)
BAD SINGER: Ohh, the beautiful dreams of love!
Shining down from the stars above!
Into the hearts of young lovers...
(and so on)
(A voluptuous and scary-looking woman and a tall, pale, evil dude snarl a whole lot. The short handsome guy goes through some costume changes. The extremely well-endowed girl wraps her hair around her finger and her skirt blows up to her chest. The taller guy grins in an appropriately goofy way.)
(Then some more characters are shown: Another girl with less cleavage and less brain cells, an old guy, a REALLY young guy, an annoying girl who nobody likes, and two or three animalistic characters who nobody will ever like or care about, either.)
(The short guy and the chick run around on a mountaintop plain holding hands.)
BAD SINGER:
And in then end
Let's all be friends!
I love you
You love me
We're a happy family
Except for the psychos who want to kill us all
And cliché so-called heroes like Fei and Squaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllll!
(As an instrumental version of the Annoying Theme Song plays, a small menu pops up on a background of a planet that looks amazingly like Earth, yet is not Earth.)
MENU:
START NEW GAME
CONTINUE
HENTAI PICTURES
PRESS HERE TO GET A LIFE
(press new game)
(A badly-done 16-bit background is shown. A small, equally terribly character sprite of the Short Guy walks up to a tree.)
SHORT GUY: I am Marcus Tornado! I am a young, handsome, and troubled young man. Who is young. Like I said. I am also very schizo, antisocial, and I have no friends. Except for my sword. Which I have to have. Because I'm the main character in an RPG. And I speak. In. Choppy. Sen. Ten. Ces.
(All of a sudden, the Tall Goofy Guy pops out of nowhere.)
TALL GOOFY GUY: Howdy-howdy-howdy! I'm Bob Ringworm! I keep trying to be Marcus' friend, even though he hates me, as well as every other living, breathing creature on the planet!
(The Extremely Well-Endowed Girl has followed Bob Ringworm into the place where there is a tree. It might be a meadow, it might be a garden. Hell, it might be Disney World, for all we know. Who can tell with these blurry background graphics?)
BOOB CHICK: Hi! I'm Moofa Heartspiritsoulfireflameicecold! My name is so long, it confuses even me! Which isn't hard to do! I've known Marcus for as long as we've lived, and I have to say, that if he wasn't a jerkoff, I'd be in love with him!
(Moofa squints at the cue cards)
MOOFA: Er...that is...HE IS MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT I WILL NEVER EVER TELL. TEE...HEE...
(Anime shot of Moofa's chest.)
MOOFA: Hi, Marcus! Hi, Bob! How are you doing today?
BOB: Hi, Moofa! I'm fine!
MARCUS: Oh. Um. Hi.
(Anime shot of Marcus looking stupid.)
MOOFA: I was just wondering, would either of you guys like to go see Lethal Weapon 8 with me?
BOB: I sure would like to go see a stupid, badly done sequel to a movie with you! How 'bout you, Marcus?
MARCUS: It may serve to further my opinion that the world is without feeling, love, or justice in proving the obvious knowledge that everyone in the world is a complacent, insensitive creature without aesthetic or diversified sensibilities.
MOOFA: What?
MARCUS: I said okay.
(Everyone leaves and goes to the movie. As the three stupid idiots walk away, an FMV starts, showing that they are in a forest not too far from a small, crappy village with approximately 3 houses.)
(A few hours later, everyone is walking back through a forest.)
BOB:...and then he takes the pineapple, and everything goes BOOM!!! Ha ha! That was great!
MOOFA: (dreamily) Mel Gibson...
MARCUS: Why is it that I never smile, laugh, or speak on my own?
BOB: Because you're clinically depressed, friendless, unloved and unloving with an innate fear of rejection and your inner self?
MARCUS: Good enough.
MOOFA: EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!
(All of a sudden, hyperactive screechy battle music is heard. Everything swirls around for about 2 seconds.)
(Better-done sprites of the heroes and some fearsomely inept bug-like creature appear. Marcus waves his sword around and attempts to look vaguely fearsome. Bob jumps up and down like an 8-year old on Fun Dip, waving a gun. Moofa bends over in a tight miniskirt, apparently doing stretches.)
(Everyone stands up straight...and immediately vomits from the after-effects of the battle transference.)
BUG GUY: GROWL
MARCUS: I shall kill thee, fiendish fiend!
BOB: I'm gonna knock yo punk ass down!
MOOFA: EW! A BUG!
(Marcus slashes, Bob shoots, and Moofa punches. The bug gurgles and dissolves.)
(Everything goes back to normal.)
(Anime shot of everyone standing around looking incredibly brave.)
BOB: DUDE, WE JUST KILLED A GUY!
MOOFA: Ew! He was a BUG!
BOB: BUGS ARE PEOPLE TOO, DAMMIT!
MARCUS: Calm the hell down, Crack Boy.
BOB: HEY! I RESENT THESE IMPLICATIONS!
MARCUS: No you don't, you represent them. Now shut up.
BOB: (sulking) Fine.
(The three spore molds...er, heroes...start walking back to the crappy town they passed before.)
(read sign along the path)
SIGN: You are now entering Burg Town Village. Slow down and enjoy yourself. Bingo Night at the Church of the Holy Crow with Father Carl and Sister Mariana every Tuesday at 9 PM!
(As they walk toward the town, a Generic Extra Character runs past them, knocking everyone down in his path.)
GEC 1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! HELP! MURDERERS! BAD PEOPLE! EVIL BEINGS OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!
MOOFA: That's funny, the Spice Girls aren't playing here tonight...
MARCUS: Maybe there are people in trouble whom I can rescue and thereby redeem myself in their eyes for a horrible deed I did when I was very young and even stupider.
*****FLASHBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!***
(A young Marcus, maybe only 10 or 11 years old, runs out of one of the houses, holding a small jewelry box. An old fat woman throws pots and pans at him. He ducks them effortlessly, since they are being thrown no closer than 5 feet from him.)
OLD LADY: Scamp! Rapscallion! Thief! Liar! Lobster! REPUBLICAN!!!!!
MARCUS: (under his breath) How rude! I'm not a Republican!
(Marcus bumps into a big, huge policeman. He slowly looks up.)
(Anime shot of a big, British-looking police dude, complete with bristly moustache and weird hat.)
POLICEMAN: What ho? Stealing Mrs. Van Widow's jewelry box?
MARCUS: It was my mom's first! SHE stole it from MOM, and now I'm stealing it back!
POLICEMAN: That's no excuse! You must be punished!
(The policeman beats Marcus senseless with his nightstick.)
***ENNNNNNNNNNNNNND FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHBAACK!!!!!!**
MARCUS:...and that's why my mom has no friends.
BOB: Sad, dude.
MOOFA: That's terrible!
(Everyone enters the town and goes into their respective houses.)
(go into ITEM SHOP)
STORE OWNER: Hi! Welcome to my humble shop! Which is humble. And a shop.
(A menu pops up)
BUY
SELL
LEAVE
ROB
(pick 'ROB")
SHOPKEEPER: Sorry, that feature is only available in 7-11s.
(PICK "BUY")
(BUY 5 LIFE FORCE POTIONS. Information says: "To keep you from dying, you dumb shmuck!")
(Close menu)
SHOPKEEPER: When you're a little older, come back and see what I have in the back room!
(Leave ITEM SHOP. Go to 'MARCUS' HOUSE"..)
MARCUS: Mom? Mom, are you here?
(The house spontaneously bursts into flames.)
MARCUS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Marcus runs outside and sees a really large amount of dead people lying amidst the 2 other burning houses in town.)
MOOFA: (waving to Marcus) Marcus! **Sniffle** My whole family has died horribly! Hold me! (She throws herself on Marcus, crying.)
MARCUS: (carefully patting Moofa's head with his middle fingertip.) Um...there...there?
MOOFA: (still crying) Ohh, Marcus, you're so caring!
MARCUS: Look, my mother, the only person who has ever been able to stand being around me for more than five minutes straight, is now dead. My house is burning. My stereo has melted. But even worse, YOU ARE WRINKLING MY PANT LEGS.
MOOFA: Ohh! I'm so very, very sorry! (she lets go of Marcus' legs and stands up.)
(All of a sudden, Bob comes staggering down through the forests, screaming in horror. He throws himself on the ground in front of the other two.)
BOB: MY ENTIRE COLLECTION OF RARE WEIRD AL YANKOVIC SONGS IS DESTROYED! DESTROYED, I TELL YOU, DESTROYED! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(All of ANOTHER sudden, a large, dragon/insect/bear creature falls out of the sky.)
(BATTLE SEQUENCE)
(Better-done sprites of the heroes and some fearsomely inept bug-like creature appear. Marcus waves his sword around and attempts to look vaguely fearsome. Bob jumps up and down like an 8-year old on Fun Dip, waving a gun. Moofa bends over in a tight miniskirt, apparently doing stretches.)
(Moofa uses a HAPPY MAGIC FUN BALL and summons a large shower curtain to wrap the monster's head up.)
MONSTER; **gasp** I...can't...breathe...
(Bob smacks the bitch up.)
MONSTER: OWIES!
(Marcus uses another HMFB and summons a giant fork to impale the monster in the head. Naturally, there is no blood.)
MONSTER: **gag** Uggghhhh....
(The monster dies. Everyone jumps up and down with incomparable glee.)
(A small, shiny object appears where the now-dead monster was.)
MARCUS: Well, we have defeated a monster that had absolutely nothing to do with the plot or even what just happened. Our families are still dead. Our hometown, the only place we ever been in our lives, is completely toasted. What shall we do now?
BOB: We should make our way to the big city and try to become rich and famous!
MOOFA: But first, one of us needs to have a lifelong dream.
BOB: A ROMANTIC dream?
MARCUS: Don't be an asshole, Bob, not enough people have played FF8 yet to really get that joke.
BOB: Oh. Right.
MOOFA: Well, I've always wanted to be one of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders...
(Marcus starts twitching.)
(Moofa notices.)
MOOFA:...or maybe I haven't.
(Marcus stops twitching.)
BOB: Umm...Marcus, don't you have a lifelong dream?
MARCUS: I can fake it.
MOOFA: Then tell us!
MARCUS: SHUT UP! GOD, YOUR MOUTH IS ALWAYS FLAPPING!!!!!
MOOFA: (to herself) He's so strong and manly...
MARCUS: (thinking very hard...which must hurt like hell!) Well...there is a one man who I'd like to be when I grow up.
BOB: Who?
MARCUS: Quabbala. He's a tall psychopath who enjoys spearing little children for fun.
BOB: I think Moofa dated a guy like that once.
MOOFA: I think I did, too.
MARCUS: DAMMIT, MOOFA, DON'T TALK!
MOOFA: (to herself) I'd better do what he says, or the teen rating in this game could get pushed over the limit.
BOB: Well, I actually do have a ROMANTIC dream!
MARCUS: ROMANTIC?
BOB: Yup, that's right. ROMANTIC.
MARCUS: ROMANTIC, right? Not romantic?
BOB: No, not romantic. ROMANTIC.
MARCUS: Oh okay. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
MOOFA: So, what is it, Bob?
(Anime shot of Bob looking embarrassed.)
BOB: Well...I've always enjoyed the work of Courtney Love...
(Bob automatically gets slapped with a lawsuit.)
BOB: I mean...uh...Smurfette!
(The charges are dropped.)
BOB...phew.
MOOFA: No, seriously, who is it?
BOB: (dreamily) Sorceress Witch Magician Queen Bloodbath. She's hot!
MARCUS: And evil.
BOB: Oh, so Quabbala is Mary Poppins?
MARCUS: No, but I'm not in love with him.
MOOFA: You guys, let's just go.
MARCUS: MOOFA, YOU KEEP TALKING!
BOB: She has to talk, or the game won't progress.
MARCUS: (embarrassed) Oh. Right. Sorry, Moofa.
MOOFA: that's all right.
BOB: WAIT! I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING!
(Everyone looks at Bob.)
BOB: We have to find Quabbala because there is reason to suspect that he is the one responsible for the destruction of Burg Town Village, therefore being the killer and the one whom we must kill!
MARCUS: Damn translators...
MOOFA; Uhh...yeah! Right! Mommy! Daddy! I shall avenge thee! I mean you!
MARCUS: Is it just me, or is the fact that we're all 20 and live at home really, really pathetic?
BOB: Oh, well.
MOOFA: Wait a minute, Bob! How do you know that Quabbala is the one responsible for blah blah blah and blah?
BOB: Well, what I was planning on doing was saying something arcane, cryptic, badly translated, and totally without sense. Then I was going to disappear into Marcus, thereby mysteriously forming a party and leaving the gamer, who probably hasn't progressed beyond the 10th grade yet, to figure out what the hell is going on.
MOOFA: oh. Okay then!
(Everyone disappears into Marcus.)
MARCUS: Ooh...that tickles...
(Regain control of Marcus. Pick up the shiny object.)
(You have picked up a "BIG HEAVY ROCK" The description reads: "You can smash peoples heads in and make everything go EL SPLATTO.")
(Everyone leaves town and walks through the forest towards a large, pollution-emitting city. They encounter several random battles on the way.)
(Suddenly, a extremely short and skinny young girl bumps into Marcus and falls down. The other two characters appear out of nowhere.)
MOOFA: Hello?
SKINNY BRAT; Ow!
BOB: hey, are you okay?
SKINNY BRAT: Yeah...I'm okay.
MARCUS: Why don't you introduce yourself.
SKINNY BRAT; okay! My name is Hypyr Aktiff. I'm 12. I weigh 50 pounds, and I'm five feet tall.
BOB: okay. You want to join our group?
HYPYR: Whatcha doin'?
MOOFA: (assuming heroic pose-fists clenched, one in a punching position, the other on her hip, looking up at nothing in particular in the sky.) We are after Quabbala, as he has callously destroyed our village, the noble and proud Town Burg Village…errr…or whatever the hell it's called.
BOB: And I want a date with Sorceress Witch Magician Queen Bloodbath.
MARCUS: And I am rude.
HYPYR: Um...okay! Nothing better to do anyways. School doesn't start for another 2 months.
(Everyone keeps going towards the big polluted place.)
(Everyone reaches the big polluted place.)
(Anime shot of a total piece of crap city with garbage higher than the skyscrapers.)
MOOFA: Were we supposed to go to New Jersey?
BOB: This is the town of Olympus! We'll try to find Quabbala here.
(Anime shot of everyone entering Olympus. The shot then shows a very very tall building.)
(Start next scene inside building.)
PRESIDENT KING: ...and so I told him, "No, I am NOT the President who likes cigars!" and then he said...
EVIL HENCHMAN #1: (lifting head from desk) Haven't I heard this before?
EH #2: Yeah, two days ago. And the day before that. And then three days before THAT. And...
EH#1: Oh...just shut up!
(Evil Henchman #3 snores in a spreading puddle of drool.)
KING:...so then I had some pie. What are you guys doing?
(Everyone suddenly becomes alert.)
EH#1: Why, nothing!
EH #2: Ha ha! I love that story, sir!
EH #3: (grouchily) I was just about to take Tifa's shirt off in my dream...
KING: (thoughtfully) Quabbala has been doing evil stuff again.
(Everyone pretends to be surprised.)
KING: I must go speak with my advisors. You all wait here.
(President King leaves. The Evil Henchmen immediately fall back asleep.)
(King walks up a flight of stairs, taking a needlessly long time to do so. As he walks towards a big door at the end of the hell, loud shouts can be heard.)
KEVIN MCDONALD: EVIL!!!
DAVE FOLEY: EVIL!!!
KEVIN: No, no! Bad Hecubus!
DAVE: My shame is bountiful, master.
(King pushes the door open.)
KING: Um...you guys?
(Kevin and Da...er, Hecubus...stop whatever they're doing and look over at King. Kevin quickly shuts off the "Duran Duran's Greatest Hits" CD.)
KEVIN: Welcome, foolish mortal, to the chamber of EVIL!
(Scott Thompson comes in.)
SCOTT: SIS-ter!
(Pat Smear comes in.)
PAT: Flowers are sad.
KING: What the hell...?
(Anime shot of Scott and Pat dancing around the table where Kevin and Hecubus are. Bruce McCullough and Mark McKinney come in and dance as well.)
KIDS IN THE HALL: We are your special advisory board! Speak, oh President!
KING: I was drunk when I hired you, wasn't I?
SCOTT: I, like, want my Skittles!
PAT: Wait a minute, I'm not a Kids In The Hall person. What am I doing here?
KING: COULD WE JUST GET ON WITH THIS?
(Everyone shuts up.)
KING: Quabbala is doing evil things. I need to know how to stop him.
(Hecubus pops up.)
HECUBUS; We should unleash the forces of evil!
KEVIN: Yes, EVIL!
SCOTT: ...so, I did another line!
PAT: I was in Nirvana.
MARK: I was in Spiceworld.
BRUCE: I...am...Brucio!
(King takes a very large gun out of his pocket. Everyone shuts up. Dave puts a suit on.)
KING: What do you suggest we do? And make it fast, I have a burrito in the oven.
SCOTT: Let's hire some buff, attractive young men to kill him!
KING: Ooh...me likey!
PAT: I was in the Germs!
KING: They were a good band.
DAVE: I'm on Newsradio.
KING: I like that show!
BRUCE: I was in Dick.
KING; Yes, and it looked like a very funny movie.
MARK: I was on Saturday Night Live!
KING: You were very funny.
KEVIN: I'm not...doing...anything...
**silence**
KING: So, what was the plan again?
SCOTT: Hire some mercenaries to track him down like the dirty, dirty dog that he is!
KING: Okay.
(King leaves.)
PAT'S VOICE: Scott, you do NOT have better shoes than I do!
(Anime shot of Marcus, Bob, Moofa, and Hypyr walking around downtown Olympus.)
BOB: So many hookers!
MOOFA: So much crack!
HYPYR: So many homeless people!
MARCUS: ...So few brain cells between the three of you. What the hell are we doing?
HYPYR: EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! (she runs away from the spot she was just standing. An old man, dressed in rags, stands up.)
OLD GUY; Young lady, your skirt is wonderfully short.
HYPYR: AAAAAAAAAAAACK! PEDOPHILE, PEDOPHILE!
MARCUS: Don't scare her. I'm afraid she might explode. Who the hell are you, anyways?
(Anime shot of the old guy standing up and wheezing.)
OLD GUY; I am Rasputin Carbunclesworth! I was once a Calvin Klein underwear model! Now I'm dirty and old! I also have mystical powers!
BOB: What kind of mystical powers?
RASPUTIN: (grinning) Watch!
(Anime shot of Rasputin dancing around like an ass. He takes his big ol' walking stick and slams it into Bob's groin.)
RASPUTIN: Booyah!
(Bob falls to the ground in extreme pain.)
MARCUS: You have no idea how often I've wanted to do that.
HYPYR: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARCUS: Didn't I tell you not to eat those Sour Patch Kids?
MOOFA: Oh, my god! Bob, are you okay?
BOB: (wincing) I won't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant, that's for damn sure.
MARCUS: Rasputin, I'm very impressed with your skills. Do you want to join us? We're fighting against the vile Quabbala. He's all vile and stuff.
RASPUTIN: Hell, since the porno shop down the street went outta business, I've been lying there just waiting for some hot chick in a mini to stand on my stomach! Now that you've helped me out, I guess I'll help you. Count me in, young feller!
MOOFA: Hooray!
HYPYR: HOORAY!
BOB:...hooray...
MARCUS: Um...right. Could we please just go?
HYPYR: Where are gonna go Marcus huh huh huh where we gonna go?
BOB: I never thought I'd say this, but...let's go pick us up some hookers!
(Marcus nods to Rasputin. Rasputin smashes Bob in the balls again. Bob passes out.)
MOOFA: My cousin Dingaling Bigsticksmallrockmediumsizedtree lives in the crappy, slummy downtown area. We should go visit her and see what jobs are available.
HYPYR: There are, like, a whole buncha Child Labor laws preventing me from taking a job.
RASPUTIN: I'm too old.
BOB: (raising his head and moaning) I'm too goofy.
(Rasputin hits him again.)
MARCUS: ...I'm not going to stop him...
MOOFA: I am too bleeding-heart innocent.
MARCUS: And I am the hero, meaning that even though it would be more honorable to do something, I have to learn a lesson about unselfishness first. This might take a while.
(Everyone is silent.)
HYPYR: I shoulda just stayed at Discovery Zone.
MOOFA: Wait, I've got an idea! You're good with a sword, Bob is good with a gun, I'm a martial arts expert, Hypyr's voice causes ruptured eardrums, and Rasputin really knows how to use his stick!
(Rasputin grins in a most evil manner.)
MOOFA: Oh, you know what I meant!
RASPUTIN: Tarnation...
MARCUS: SO WHAT IS THE POINT?
MOOFA: Let's become a mercenary-for hire company!
(Anime shot: All of a sudden, lightning flashes. The silhouette of a tall, definitely female figure is seen on top of a building. It jumps 800 feet straight down. Not suffering any adverse effects, the woman stands up. She is a tall (like I said), big-breasted (naturally), black-haired lady covered in body paint and wearing nothing but a thong and a bikini top with peacock feathers.)
HYPYR: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! SCARY LADY! WITH BAD CLOTHES!
MOOFA: oh no! I thought I was the one with the biggest boobs in the game! Now I have to go back to that plastic surgeon!
MARCUS: Who are you?
(Bob and Rasputin just drool.)
WOMAN: I am the Sorceress Witch Magician Queen Bloodbath! Fear me and my annoyingly egocentric attitude!
HYPYR: Okay, I will...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
(Battle Sequence)
(Better-done sprites of the heroes and some fearsomely inept bug-like creature appear. Marcus waves his sword around and attempts to look vaguely fearsome. Bob jumps up and down like an 8-year old on Fun Dip, waving a gun. Moofa bends over in a tight miniskirt, apparently doing stretches. Hypyr straightens out a wedgie and clears her throat. Rasputin spits phlegm at the monster.)
MONSTER: Duh...grrr....
(Marcus uses a HMFB and summons Blond Bombshell. Sailor Moon suddenly appears, bites the monster's head off, and kills it.)
(The monster dies. Everyone jumps up and down with incomparable glee.)
RASPUTIN: Such fun!
HYPYR: Creepy!
BLOODBATH: Since when does Sailor Moon bite peoples' heads off?
MARCUS: Now, Queen Sorceress Magician whatever...what are you and Quabbala up to?
(Bloodbath just smiles and throws a HMFB at Marcus' head. He passes out. Bloodbath disappears.)
(The screen gets all dark 'n stuff. It re-opens in a small hut. A guy is lying on a bed.)
(The guy sits up. He is tall and has long dark hair.)
GUY: Ahh!! What a nice sleep, considering that I am the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot!
(A knock on the door interrupts him. He gets up and opens it.)
(Hypyr runs in.)
HYPYR: Oh my god! Like, this guy, his name is Marcus, he's, like, unconscious and stuff! So, like, help him! Or I'll cry!
GUY: Huh?
(Moofa and Bob drag Marcus in. Rasputin follows. They throw Marcus on the bed.)
GUY: Who the hell are you people?
MOOFA: (assuming heroic pose-fists clenched, one in a punching position, the other on her hip, looking up at nothing in particular in the sky.) I am Moofa Heartspiritsoulfireflameicecold, the daughter of a prominent former farmer in the shitty little Burg Town Village! I am after Quabbala for revenge, and Bloodbath for daring to have bigger...um...never mind!
BOB: I'm Bob Ringworm! I want all my Weird Al CDs replaced! And I wanna get ahold of those um never minds!
HYPYR: I'm Hypyr Aktiff! I'm hyperactive! I shop at Kmart for underwear! There's something you didn't need to know!
RASPUTIN: I'm Rasputin Carbunclesworth! Wait...what was I talking about again?
GUY: Oy. So what's wrong with your friend?
MOOFA: He suffered a head injury, as if he needed an excuse to be screwed up.
GUY: Well, I'm Fey Won Ton Soup Loop Dupe Croup Boom Boom-Sha Boop. I am the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot. We also all have such long names.
MOOFA: Yeah, well, we're all illiterate anyways. They could have named me Coffee Mug McButtache and I wouldn't have noticed.
HYPYR: SOMEONE HIT HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A HAPPY MAGIC FUN BALL! OUCH! BOB IS STERILE, NOW, TOO!
FEY; Whaa...?
BOB: NOT TRUE! Viagra isn't just for old people anymore!
MOOFA: Marcus?
(Marcus has woken up.)
MARCUS: I had the weirdest dream! I dreamed all these short little people with spiky black hair were running around naked with a bunch of turtles!
BOB: Oh, you weren't dreaming. While we were bringing you here we stopped to watch Dragonball through the window of some TV-repair place.
RASPUTIN: Are you okay, young feller?
MARCUS: I'm, like, fine. Where the hell are we?
FEY: Hi. I'm Fey...
HYPYR: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE IT AT THAT!
FEY: Hmph. Fine.
MARCUS: Fey, do you mind if I ask you a personal question that only exists to further this more and more infertile plot?
BOB: Did you just say infertile?? Well, I'm NOT! A man can get hit very hard a few hundred times in the groin without suffering any adverse effects! I'M NOT INFERTILE! REALLY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
MARCUS: I will shove dirty underwear in your mouth if you do not shut it.
(Bob runs into the corner and cries.)
FEY: Um...sure, go ahead, Marcus. Oh, just so you know, I am the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot.
MARCUS: Why do you live alone in a big city in a crappy hut next to the most crime-ridden area on this planet?
MOOFA: Damn translators!
FEY: Someone kidnapped my wife, stole all my money, and torched my old house in the town of Poofazeeb. Also, I am the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot. I moved here because...um...it's relative to the plot.
BOB: (sniffling) You wanna...*sniffle*...join us?
FEY; hell yeah! I know Quabbala did something awful to my hometown! I want revenge, too!
MOOFA: Who the hell doesn't?
MARCUS: Um...yeah. For once I agree with the Breast Bitch.
RASPUTIN: I don't want revenge! I want da nookie!
MOOFA: Da nookie?
RASPUTIN: DA NOOKIE!
FEY: Anyone want a cookie?
MARCUS: You can take your cookie and stick it up your ass!
HYPYR: YEAH! STICK IT UP YOUR ASS STICK IT UP YOUR ASS STICK IT UP YOUR ASS STICK IT UP YOUR ASS STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!
BOB: (outright sobbing now) My Limp Bizkit CD burned, too! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
MARCUS: Shut up. You sound like Hypyr.
HYPYR: My voice isn't THAT high!
BOB: If you were a guy and you got smashed where I got smashed, you wouldn't exactly sound like Barry White either.
FEY; WHAT do I do with the cookie?
MARCUS: I only said that because we needed a music joke.
FEY: Oh okay. (He hands Marcus the cookie.) Oh, and did I ever tell you that I am the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot?
MOOFA: Look, you guys, we have to find out where Quabbala and Bloodbath are and what they're going to do next. I suggest we all split up and look around for clues, then meet back here in two hours.
(Everyone nods and leaves the house. Marcus stands in the doorway while the other run off in separate directions.)
MARCUS: Okay, gonna go find out some information. Yeah. FRIGGIN' FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.
(Marcus suddenly clutches his head. He rolls around on the ground in exaggerated pain, then passes out.)
(The scene reopens in a strip club. Bob is staring up at a stage where a chick in a g-string is dancing.)
BOB: Gee, I guess Rasputin didn't hurt me too bad, after all!
(Cut to scene of Moofa walking around what seems to be a mall. She dances around joyfully.)
MOOFA: I'm in heaven!
(Cut to scene of Hypyr walking through what appears to be the worst neighborhood in Olympus. As she walks down a street and turns a corner, she is confronted by a huge gang of men. They leer at her and begin advancing.)
HYPYR: Oh, shit.
(Cut to scene of Rasputin in a pornography shop. He is holding a videotape entitled "Sable's Favorite XXX Hot Video Picks!".)
RASPUTIN: So, I have to pay if the cover gets stained?
CLERK: Yep.
RASPUTIN: Booyah! (He crunches the clerk's nuts...if ya know what I mean.)
(Cut to scene of Fey. He is surrounded by at least six extremely attractive young women.)
FEY:....Oh, and I'm the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot, too.
GIRL 1: Oooh...
GIRL 2:...Tell us more!
FEY: Um...the Japanese word for rabbit is "USAGI".
GIRLS: Wow...
FEY: (getting really excited now.) When I was a baby, I ate ten dollars worth of pennies, and nothing bad happened!
GIRLS: WOW!!
GIRL 3: You are, like, so cool!
(Later on, everyone goes back to Fey's place.)
MOOFA: Okay, so what did we all learn today?
BOB: I learned that you can still get plenty for a buck nowadays.
HYPYR: I learned that if you grab someone's knife before they can grab you, you've got a better chance of staying a virgin than if you grabbed their gun...ah, the damn translators!
RASPUTIN: I learned that a big stick gets you everywhere in life.
FEY; (covered in lipstick kiss marks.) I learned that six is better than one.
MOOFA: And I learned that there are approximately 184848484848484848483483992882829893829237782373273471217891272 Gap stores in the tri-state area.
HYPYR: I think Marcus passed out again.
(Everyone looks at Marcus' unconscious form.)
(Everyone turns away.)
BOB: So what else is new?
FEY: (leaning over Marcus) HEY! WAKE UP! I'M THE BASTARD SON OF A NECROPHILIAC FARMER WITH SIX TOES ON EACH FOOT!
MARCUS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! (Marcus jumps straight up into the air and falls on top of Moofa, knocking her down, his hands on her boobs.)
MARCUS: Ow!
MOOFA: Huh?
BOB: NO FAIR!
RASPUTIN: The short guy gets some?
HYPYR: EW! GROSS! He grabbed her BOOBS!
FEY: (unimpressed) ...
(Marcus and Moofa stare at each other for a few minutes in the same position.)
MOOFA: (Thinking to herself) Oh, he LIKES me!
MARCUS: (To himself) Oh, they're REAL!!!!!!!
BOB: You guys, hello, please...Hypyr's gonna puke.
(Marcus rolls off Moofa. Moofa takes out a cigarette and starts smoking it.)
MOOFA: Better than the time I went to Mardi Gras and all my clothes got stolen in the French Quarter.
HYPYR: I AM gonna puke! Plus, I'm jealous!
(Everyone stares at Hypyr)
BOB: You ARE???
HYPYR: That's what the script said.
RASPUTIN: Really? Mine says, 'Hypyr sticks a flute up her-"
(Anime shot of Hypyr smacking Rasputin over the head)
BOB: I want some candy corn.
(Marcus hits himself in the head. His face grows redder and redder. Everyone is silenced as they watch the enraged Marcus.)
MARCUS:....grrr....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? CANDY CORN??? CANDY CORN??? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON?? OUR HOMETOWNS ARE DESTROYED!!! WE'RE ILLITERATE, UNEDUCATED ORPHANS IN THE FILTHIEST CITY IN THE WORLD! I JUST HAD TO FACE SOME INNATE SEXUAL FEELINGS THAT I REALLY DIDN'T NEED! THE STORY IS CURRENTLY GOING NOWHERE!!! OUR LIVES ARE O V E R!!!
(Marcus throws himself back down on the floor and cries.)
MOOFA: ...
BOB: ...
HYPYR: ...
RASPUTIN: ...
FEY: ...I'm the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot...
(Moofa lifts Marcus up off the floor. Everyone leaves the one-room house for no apparent reason at all.)
(Anime shot of Marcus and Moofa staring at each other, with little fireflies flying around them for no good reason.)
MOOFA: Oh, Marcus.
MARCUS: What?
MOOFA: Poor little Marcus.
MARCUS; I'm not that short!
MOOFA: (laughs) I'm madly in love with you! Why have you been so blind?
MARCUS: I'm not blind.
MOOFA: Marcus...OH, KISS ME YOU FOOL!!!
MARCUS: Augh! Cooties! Hey!
(Anime shot of Moofa grabbing Marcus' face and pushing him down on the floor once again.)
MOOFA: Come to Mommy!
MARCUS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCK!!! HELP ME!!
(Outside)
RASPUTIN: 'Bout time someone got laid here.
FEY: Hey, I resent that.
RASPUTIN:...?
FEY: Um...oops...
(Inside)
(Moofa is chasing a panicked Marcus around and around, drooling.)
MARCUS: AAAAAAAAAUGH!!! HELP!! CRAZY PSYCHO HOSEBEAST WITH AN OVERLOADED SEX DRIVE!!!
MOOFA: Come to MOMMY!
(All of a sudden, the roof collapses on top of the two struggling heroes. Everyone from outside rushes inside to see Marcus stumbling out of the ruins.)
MARCUS: (latching onto Fey's legs) IT WAS HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!
FEY: There, there. I'm the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot. There, there.
HYPYR: OH MY GOD! MOOFA!! MOOFA, SPEAK TO ME!
MOOFA: (crawling out of the rubble) Owies...Fey, I'm sorry about your house.
FEY: Oh, that's okay. I needed a bigger one anyways. I was planning on letting nine or ten chicks move in with me.
RASPUTIN: Booyah! (He hits Bob in the groin once again.)
BOB: (smiling) Good thing I went to the gym after I left the strip club.
RASPUTIN: Damn.
HYPYR: So now what are we going to do?
FEY: I'm gonna go sue someone!
HYPYR: What? Why?
FEY; Because I can! Someone has to pay for my being the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot! Also for stealing my beautiful wife Snowie Feeldz.
MARCUS: So where should we go?
BOB: Well...
HYPYR: HEY!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE HOUSE, ANYWAYS?
(Anime shot of an 8-foot tall man with bright red eyes and white hair about six times as long as he is tall with a gigantic sword about six times as long as his hair flying down from the sky. He lands in front of "heroes" and waves his sword around and glares a whole lot.)
MAN: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I am Quabbala! I'm going to kill you all for no reason, and then spit on your bodies!
(A horrible opera song sung in Latin starts.)
SINGERS:
Quabbala!
Evilum Terrifyum Meanum Guyum
Stupidum Mortalum Runum in Fearum
Britney Spearsum Reallyum Sucksum
Quabbala!
MARCUS: OH NO! QUABBALA! MY HERO! MY HERO IS THE ONE WHO IS THE EVIL BAD GUY!
SINGERS:
Dudem Rocksum
Very Hotum
Wearsum Tightsum
Fangirls loveum!
Quabbala!
MOOFA: Quabbala! You lousy filthy stinking goat-screwing phlegm-spewing butt-loving jerk! I bet you use PlayStation analog controllers as vibrators!
BOB: Where are my Weird Al CDs, scumbag?
HYPYR: What SHAMPOO do you use? Your hair is so LUSTROUS!
SINGERS:
Niceum Hairum
Niceum Assum
Springer Isum Trailer Trashum!
Quabbala!
FEY: Where's my wife? And I'm the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes!
RASPUTIN: Booyah! (He attempts to hit Quabbala in the groin. Quabbala waves a hand and the stick is magically redirected into Rasputin's mouth, choking him. Rasputin falls back gagging.)
QUABBALA: Do not attempt to smash me, old man. Strike me there and I will become far more virile than you could ever imagine. Plus, I'm wearing my Jockey Brand Evil Cup.
RASPUTIN: (coughing) Now I know how that hooker felt!
SINGERS:
Hitsum Guysum
Hardly Triesum
Likes Nirvanum
And Burrito-um
Quabbala!
MARCUS: Why are you doing this, Quabbala?
QUABBALA: REVENGE!
MARCUS: Revenge against who?
QUABBALA: REVENGE!
BOB: Gee, glad you cleared THAT up for us!
MOOFA: (assuming heroic pose-fists clenched, one in a punching position, the other on her hip, looking up at nothing in particular in the sky.) Well, I, Moofa Yvonne Heartspiritsoulfireflameicecold, will not stand for this terrible injustice!
QUABBALA: Shut up.
BOB: Your middle name is Yvonne?
MOOFA: Shut up!
HYPYR: (crying hysterically.) Ohh God...why Quabbala? Why?
FEY; Are you crying because you're afraid?
HYPYR: No, I'm crying because Quabbala has such...**sniffle** beautiful hair! And I don't! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
QUABBALA: I shall never divulge the secret of my perfect hair! Do you think it just GROWS this way?
MARCUS: Quabbala, you killed my family! My town! My dreams! I wanted to BE like you!
QUABBALA: Then you've got more problems than Mr. Daddy-Is-A-Six-Toed-Necro over there!
FEY: Hey! I'm...ohh never mind.
QUABBALA: You shall never succeed at anything, Marcus! You are nothing but a shell, a dummy, an unwilling operative, an unconscious volunteer for the will of others, a mere pawn that will never capture the queen but will get captured itself, a toy, a puppet, a Muppet, a moped, tuna casserole, Jackie Chan, a spork, an old dog with rabies that I ran over in the road in Arkansas once, a member of Ross Perot's election party, a wineglass, the band Sixpence None The Richer that I hate because all they ever sing is "Kiss me kiss me kiss me on the tire swing or kiss me on the couch it doesn't really matter just buy the damn single so we can collect our One-Hit Wonder rating and rot at the nearest McDonalds until we appear on VH1's 'Where Are They Now?' along with the Bay City Rollers"...in short, you are nothing but everything I just mentioned and some stuff I forgot!
EVERYONE: DAMN TRANSLATORS!
MARCUS: You filthy bastard! I HATE the Bay City Rollers!
FEY; I'm the bastard!
HYPYR; (still crying) ...even deep conditioning can't achieve the perfect shine I desire! I tried hot oil treatments! I tried everything I could! All I got was a bad rash and a sticky feeling from those Herbal Essences shampoos! And then...
MOOFA: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!
(Everyone shuts up except Quabbala. He strides up to Moofa and, before anyone can stop him, slashes her with his sword. Moofa falls down. As everyone rushes to her, Quabbala rises in the air and disappears.)
The screen darkens, then reopens in a hospital room. Moofa is lying on a bed.)
MOOFA: (sitting up) Ugh. I feel awful.
RASPUTIN: (grinning) I don't.
(Moofa looks down and realizes she is naked. She shrieks and wraps the blankets around herself, then curls up and glares at Rasputin.)
(Marcus comes in.)
MARCUS: Rasputin!
RASPUTIN: Marcus!
MOOFA: Marcus!
MARCUS: Moofa!
DR. SCOTT: Janet!
JANET: Dr. Scott!
BRAD: Janet!
JANET: Brad!
FRANK N. FURTER: Rocky!
(Rocky looks at Frank N. Furter)
DR. SCOTT: Janet!
JANET: Dr. Scott!
BRAD: Janet!
JANET: Brad!
FRANK N. FURTER: Rocky!
(Rocky looks at Frank N. Furter)
DR. SCOTT: Janet!
JANET: Dr. Scott!
BRAD: Janet!
JANET: Brad!
FRANK N. FURTER: Rocky!
(Rocky looks at Frank N. Furter)
MOOFA: BEAT IT.
(All the RHPS people leave.)
(Pat and Scott come in.)
PAT: Okay, you pretty people, like, President King wants to see you.
MOOFA: Why the hell are Pat Smear and Andy Dick in my room?
SCOTT: Puh-leeze! I am SO not Andy Dick! Guh-haaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwd!
MARCUS: Who the hell are you guys?
PAT: I am the former guitarist for the Germs, Nirvana, and the Foo Fighters. I'm also an advisor to President King and he so totally needs to see you and your little friends.
SCOTT: So, like, move your little tushies! Move, move, move 'em!
MARCUS: Let her get dressed.
PAT AND SCOTT: Okay!
(Everyone just stands there.)
MARCUS: PRIVACY
PAT; oh! Like, sorry! (Pat walks out.)
SCOTT: Like it matters to ME!
(Marcus opens the closet. RuPaul is tied up inside it, struggling. Marcus closes the door.)
MARCUS: Get out, or it's getting neutered.
SCOTT: Right...! (Runs out at top speed.)
MOOFA: Oh, Marcus, you're so protective!
MARCUS: **blushing** Um...no?
MOOFA: Marcus...(crying) why don't you love me?
MARCUS: Because.
MOOFA: Because???
MARCUS: Exactly!
(Moofa begins to cry really loud now. She grabs onto Marcus' collar and shakes him back and forth)
MOOFA: THAT'S NOT A REASON! DAMN YOU, I WANT A GOOD REASON!
MARCUS: (To himself) Should I tell? I mean, she isn't THAT hideous, even if every single word out of her mouth is complete and utter trash and she's totally mis-proportioned to the point of looking like she has an entire Pamela Lee curled up on each side of her chest...I mean, she's okay, I guess...although she might be carrying diseases...I guess I do kind of like her.
MARCUS: (to Moofa) Piss off.
(Moofa, in a fit of rage, uses Marcus's collar to choke him. Marcus gags and passes out. Moofa strips him naked, throws his clothes out the window, gets dressed, and storms out.)
(On her way out she releases RuPaul.)
(Moofa locks the door.)
MOOFA: I hope your ass doesn't hurt too badly tomorrow morning, you piece of human garbage.
(Moofa turns around to see the party staring at her. She jumps 8 feet in the air)
MOOFA: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT IS IT? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?
HYPYR: Damn, and I thought I was loud!
BOB: Are you okay, Moofa?
MOOFA: Oh! Uh...yeah!
BOB: Good. Um...that's good. Yep it is.
(Everyone stares at Bob, who is blushing furiously.)
FEY: I may be the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with toes on each foot, but I think you like her, Bob!
(Bob gets even redder.)
HYPYR: Hahahahahaahahahahahahahaha! He's blushing!
(Bob's ears start steaming slightly)
RASPUTIN: Hey, I know a GREAT store on Main Street where you can get this stuff...
(Bob's ears begin smoking in earnest.)
HYPYR: WHOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Anime shot of Bob's head exploding.)
(Everyone is silent.)
MOOFA: (wiping brains out of her cleavage) Good thing we're in a hospital.
(All of a sudden, Marcus comes stumbling out of his room.)
MARCUS: Moofa! You stupid little...
HYPYR: Hey, no being mean to the female lead!
MARCUS: ...right...(He looks around.) Oh, did Bob's head explode again?
Moofa: Yup.
MARCUS: Damn! I thought he outgrew that!
FEY: What do you mean?
MARCUS: Oh, when we were kids, like a year ago technically, he used to do it whenever he got embarrassed.
***********HAPPY FUN FLASHBAAAAACK!!!*****************
(Somewhat younger versions of Bob and Marcus are in what appears to be a high school gym. The gym is decorated with signs that say, 'Go Burg Town Village Pimpsmacking Anteaters!". They are both wearing ugly rental tuxedos.)
BOB: Hi, Marcus! Boy, Homecoming sure does suck, huh?
MARCUS: I got my head flushed in the toilet again today.
BOB: (sympathetically) hey, there's only 8 kids in this entire town. Why, I bet if we went to a normal school, you'd be the 8th most popular guy there, just like you are now!
MARCUS: Why do you keep trying to be nice to me?
BOB: Because we're the only guys in the entire school.
(A girl in very short pink dress comes over.)
GIRL: Bob, will you dance with me?
(Bob wets himself with joy.)
(The other girls see.)
GIRL 2: Eew! Bob wet himself!
(Bob starts blushing.)
MARCUS: Oh hell (He runs into the boy's locker room.)
GIRL 3: ha ha, Bob needs Diapers!
GIRL 4: Bob, you suck!
(Bob's head explodes.)
ALL THE GIRLS: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!
MOOFA: Like, NOW how am I supposed to look like Britney Spears?
***********END PRETTY BEAUTIFUL FLASHBAAAAACK!!!!**************
BOB: That's right, folks...
(During the flashback, the Union protested and gave Bob a new head.)
MOOFA:...he was a Teenage Head Exploder Guy.
MARCUS: I think that's why I never hung out with you-I was always afraid I'd end up with brain lubricant in my underwear.
FEY: Wow, and I thought being a bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot was bad!
RASPUTIN: I thought needing Viagra was tragic.
HYPYR: Only two guys in the entire town? Sucky-ass!
(All of a sudden, a low moaning comes from a nearby room. Everyone ignores it except Marcus. While the others discuss the boy-to-girl ratio in Burg Town village, Marcus walks into the room where he heard the moan.)
(Anime shot of a girl who looks exactly like Britney Spears lying on a bed, moaning in pain.)
MARCUS: (eyes turning into big hearts) Ho-leeeee...
(A nurse walks in.)
NURSE: Are you feeling better now, Mr. Tornado?
MARCUS: (Still staring at the girl.) Day-um...
NURSE: Er...Mr. Tornado?
(Marcus whirls around.)
MARCUS: huh? Oh! Uh, um, yeah.
NURSE: (walking up to the bed) Poor child. We found her floating in a puddle of vomit at a Ricky Martin concert.
MARCUS: I didn't think there would be any vomiting on the part of Ricky Martin.
NURSE: It was the audience's vomit. The second he started dancing...(She shakes her head) It's a wonder anyone who was at that concert still has a stomach lining.
(A voice over the intercom)
VOICE: Nurse Kawakiwakiweema, please report to maternity. They're literally dropping like flies up there!
NURSE: Oops, I guess I'd better go. (She hands Marcus a shiny object.) Here, in case you don't feel well later on.
(You have received Crack. Description reads: "Guaranteed to make you feel better!")
MARCUS: Hey, something I can really use!
ESRB CENSOR GUYS: Sorry, you'll have to change that. You don't want to corrupt the moral of impressionable young children, do you?
MARCUS: Yes?
ESRB: Oh, like we care. We're too busy trying to prove that Ghaleon from Lunar isn't gay. It's not exactly an easy thing to do. Do whatever the hell you want.
MARCUS: Great!
(The girl on the bed suddenly opens her eyes. She and Marcus stare at each other for a long moment.)
(Marcus and the girl immediately start making out.)
(Meanwhile, back outside the room...)
RASPUTIN: I hear beautiful music coming from somewhere!
FEY: You mean that crap they're playing over the loudspeaker?
MOOFA: Yeah, it sounds like video game music, for Chrissake.
(As a matter fact, the theme to the original Super Mario Brothers Nintendo game is playing.)
HYPYR: (humming along) Maybe for Halloween, I'll dress up as Princess Toadstool!
BOB: (holding his ear on with one hand and attempting to apply glue with the other.) I always called her Princess Stool Sample.
RASPUTIN: Booyah! (Bob's gonna have to replace more than an ear by the end of this disc, I gotta say.)
BOB: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!!! YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH! I NEED THAT, YOU KNOW!
RASPUTIN: Tarnation. Did I miss yer knees again, young feller? Heh heh heh...
FEY: (listening) I hear the sound of two people getting it on in a hospital bed.
MOOFA: You can tell?
FEY: (shrugging) Hey, I said I was the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot. I never said I was stupid. Besides, the door's open.
MOOFA: Hey, where's Marcus?
(Moofa walks into THE ROOM.)
MOOFA: Oh my God!
MARCUS: Oh my God!
GIRL: Oh, like, My Gawd!
MOOFA: Just what do you think you're doing?
MARCUS: I don't know, she never told me her name!
GIRL: Like, is that, like, your hand?
MARCUS: (looking down) Oh yeah, sorry.
MOOFA: I can't believe this!
MARCUS: Neither can I!
GIRL: Like, um, like, who, like, IS she?
(Marcus gets up-fully clothed.)
MOOFA: So you DIDN'T?
MARCUS: Hello? Ever heard of zipper fly pants?
MOOFA: Ew!!!!
(The girl-also fully clothed gets up.)
GIRL: Like, I'm, like, sooooooo glad I wore this skirt. Even if I didn't get to, like, blow Ricky Martin.
MOOFA: And just who the hell are you?
GIRL: I'm, like, Teehee McDitzenfurter. Tee hee!
MOOFA: Oh, yeah? (assuming heroic pose-fists clenched, one in a punching position, the other on her hip, looking up at nothing in particular in the sky.) Well, I'M Moofa Heartspiritsoulfireflameicecold, and in the name of the moon, you're punished!
TEEHEE: Oh my GAWD!! That's, like, from Sailor Moon! I so totally, like, loooooooooooove that show! Like, Serena is sooooooooooooooo cute! Tee hee hee! Like, um, like, yeah! Or something!
MOOFA: JESUS CHRIST, SHE'S HIDEOUS!
MARCUS: I admit her personality is nothing to write home about, but it's what's underneath that really counts.
TEEHEE: Ohh, like, that's soooooooooo romantic or some junk.
(She and Marcus stare at each other for a long moment.)
(Marcus and Teehee immediately start making out.)
MOOFA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The group, meanwhile, has long since gathered around the door.)
HYPYR: God, someone even more annoying than me!
BOB: I'm impressed.
FEY: (unimpressed) Eh, one chick? I'm the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot, and I get more than that.
RASPUTIN: Damn! I'm too old!
(Moofa's face has turned a lovely shade of neon maroon.)
MOOFA: Marcus! Get your nasty little ass over here!
MARCUS: My nasty little ass is busy!
TEEHEE: Tee hee!
(Moofa throws a conveniently placed lamp at Marcus's head.)
(HARD)
MARCUS: Dammit! Ow!
MOOFA: Too bad your head isn't as hard as your-
HYPYR: MOOFA! YOU HURT MARCUS!
BOB: (Who has so far been standing in the back) What are these two doing in he...HOLY! AGAGAGAGAGAAAAA...
(Bob's head explodes.)
RASPUTIN: Oh no, not again!
HYPYR: I AM GOING TO PUKE! THAT IS SO DISGUSTING!
FEY: I'm the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot! But, what just happened is gross too!
MOOFA: Bob, I am going to totally kick your ass! When I get less pissed at Marcus the Pimpoid!
MARCUS: Hey! You got brains in my hair!
TEEHEE: Like, what is he on?
MARCUS: Don't ask.
(More Union workers come in singing 'We Shall overcome". They screw a new head onto Bob's neck, then leave.)
FEY: I am getting so sick of that.
BOB: I dunno, it's a good way to clear out the cobwebs.
FEY: Then maybe you shouldn't let spiders spin their webs in your brain cavity.
BOB: But they're just so damn PERSISTENT.
(Marcus and Teehee get off the bed.)
MARCUS: I've found the love of my life!
TEEHEE: Tee hee!
MARCUS: She's joining our group!
HYPYR: Finally, someone who makes me look good!
MOOFA: No-ho-ho-ho-ho!!! (She starts crying hysterically and runs out of the room.)
TEEHEE: Like, does she have PMS or, like, something?
MARCUS: Uh...I dunno. Will you marry me?
(Everyone is silent.)
BOB: DAMMIT, MARCUS! STOP SCREWING AROUND WITH THE SCRIPT!
MARCUS: Hmf! Oh, very WELL. Shall we continue on our quest for Quabbala?
HYPYR: Aw, do we HAVE to?
TEEHEE: Like, um, like who is, like, Quabbala?
MARCUS: Ohh, nobody, babe, just a murderer who we need to do some icky-wicky killing on, okies?
TEEHEE: Okies, honey sugar!
(Fey vomits.)
(Rasputin vomits.)
(Hypyr vomits.)
(Bob's head explodes.)
EVERYONE: AWWW, DAMMIT, BOB!
(Anime shot of a big forest with a lot of-you guessed it-trees.)
(Three men are running around on the ground.)
KICKO RAVEN: This way, you guys!
WHOREDD BUBBA: .... (He runs off in the total opposite direction.)
(The other man is just standing there, holding what appears to be a map. He scratches his head.)
LOONY LAURIE: Okay, so if we take a right at the cheeseburger and then climb up the sundae...hey, wait a minute!
(Loony looks around.)
LOONY: Uhh...guys? C'mere!
(Kicko and Whoredd come over to Loony.)
KICKO: What is it, Oh Fearless Leader? Make it fast! We're about to die and my hair extensions are falling out!
LOONY: Sorry, you guys...but this isn't the right map.
WHOREDD: ....!
KICKO: Not again!
LOONY: ...as a matter of fact, this isn't even a map. It the Kids Menu from the Friendly's we had lunch at last week.
(Everyone groans. Whoredd delivers a few silent, violent blows to Loony's head.)
KICKO: I'm going to miss my manicure, you greasy-looking bastard! (Kicko starts crying)
LOONY: So you're gay after all?
KICKO: Of COURSE I'm gay! Look at these clothes! This hair! This makeup!
EVERYONE: We're lost anyways!
(Meanwhile...)
QUABBALA: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM, BLOODBATH! AND DON'T PUT THE MARASCHINO CHERRIES DOWN THERE!
(Elsewhere...)
CLOUD: Oh...oh Tifa...
SEPHIROTH:...you JERK! I'm over HERE!
(And still...)
(A chubby, short, 46-year old high school freshman leans against a bathroom wall, smoking a joint.)
PERSON: Hi, I'm Jerri Blank, and for 42 years I was a teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user, and a loser...
(And somewhere else yet...)
VADER: Luke! I am your father!
LUKE: ...you JERK! I'm over HERE!
(But finally, back at Olympus...)
(President King is drinking maple syrup straight from the bottle when his Weapons Research Assistant, O'Hara, and his son, Doofus, walk in.)
O'Hara: Ya ahahhahahahaha kaka kakakaakakaggaaaahahahahahahaaa!!! We'll make Quabbala cry for Mommy when we're done with him!
DOOFUS: Duh, Dad, can me have keys to car?
PRESIDENT KING: Are you kidding me? The last time I let you take the car, O'Hara's strawberry douche ended up all over the backseat.
O'HARA: I told you, the bottle spilled!
KING: Sure...
DOOFUS: Duh, you telled Doofus it was cherry!
O'HARA: Oh hell...what's the difference?
DOOFUS: (crying) DOOFUS ALLERGIC TO STRAWBERRY! NOW DOOFUS HAVE SEVERAL BAD RASHES!
O'HARA: Oh for Chrissake...you are NOT allergic to strawberry!
DOOFUS: Duh, me not?
O'HARA: No! At least, not anymore...
DOOFUS: Duh, Doofus happy now!
KING: O'Hara! What have I told you about confusing my son?
(King and O'Hara both look over at Doofus. Doofus is staring at them with a big, stupid grin on his face. A string of drool hangs from his lip.)
KING:...although, it's not really a hard job.
O'HARA: I think those people we hired should get here soon...
(Anime shot of the amazingly on-cue Marcus, Moofa, and Teehee opening the door to King's office.)
MARCUS: I am Marcus Tornado! My pants clash with my shirt, and I'm torn between two women!
MOOFA: I am Moofa Heartfiremansoulreaver....um....wait....
TEEHEE: I am Teehee McDitzenfurter! Candy is yummy!
MOOFA:...Happyflowerladymansir? No....
KING: I am President King! I make sure my interns are all too ugly to screw around with! Not that it really stops me!
O'HARA: Ya ahahhahahahaha kaka kakakaakakaggaaaahahahahahahaaa!!! I am O'Hara! Nobody likes me!
DOOFUS: Duh, me Doofus. Me like Teletubby. Teletubby good happy friend.
MOOFA:...is it Heartflameicecube? No, no, that's not right...
MARCUS: What the hell do you want?
KING: (furrowing brow intelligently) Quabbala is a messed-up experiment that our personal mad scientist, Dodo, created one night when he and O'Hara here were knocking back wine coolers 'till 3 AM. Until recently, Quabbala performed excellently: he was a great warrior, a smart man, a connoisseur of fine wine, and the only person who could read the Little Engine That Could to Doofus doing just the right voices. But lately...
(Anime shot of a freaky green guy in a white lab coat with a bad twitch.)
DODO:....lately, as you know, he's been going crazy. He keeps burning down villages and kidnapping people. Now that he's hooked up with that Bloodbath person, we're in even deeper crap.
MOOFA:...Heart...spirit...spider...bunnies? NO! It's...like...
MARCUS: He killed all 6 residents of Burg Town Village. We want revenge, and we'd be more than happy to get rid of that ass for you.
MOOFA: AHA! Heartspiritsoulfireflameicecold! THAT'S my name! Damn, it gets more confusing as we go along...
O'HARA: Oh, no! Doofus!
DOOFUS: Whatsies?
(During this retarded exchange, Doofus managed to pour the maple syrup in O'Hara's hair.)
O'HARA: Damn you, it took me an hour to get it like this! (O'Hara punches Doofus into the wall and stomps off. Doofus starts crying hysterically.)
KING: (sighing heavily) Here, Doofus honey. (He hands Doofus a large stuffed Teletubby. Doofus immediately cheers up.)
DOOFUS: YAY! Doofus love Tubby-tubby!
TEEHEE: Oh, like, my gawd! Like, so do I!
(Teehee grabs another Teletubby toy and sits nest to Doofus. Both of them proceed to baby-talk to their dolls.)
TEEHEE: Marcus, woogy-shnoogy, you wanna pway Tewe-tubbieth wif me 'n Doofus?
DOOFUS: Pleaseies?
KING: (looking at the two relatively sane but no more stable people) Well...
(Marcus looks at Moofa. Moofa sighs heavily, and hands the red Teletubby to Marcus. She grabs the yellow one for herself. Both sit down quite far from Teehee and Doofus.)
MOOFA: Um...goo-goo ga-ga?
MARCUS: Uh...umm...Teletubby.
TEEHEE: Uh-oh! Time for Tubby toast!
(This goes on for HOURS.)
(King, not being able to stand this any longer, starts whacking Teehee and Doofus with a vacuum cleaner.)
DOOFUS: Duh, naughty Noo-Noo!
KING: (roaring furiously) TIME FOR TUBBY BYE-BYE! (King brings the vacuum cleaner down next to Doofus' head, missing him by just a few inches. A loud "thunk" noise is heard.)
(Anime shot of a trapdoor swinging open in the floor.)
(Everyone stands around with their mouths hanging open.)
KING: What the hell?
MARCUS: Where did that come from?
MOOFA: Huh?
DOOFUS: Duh.
TEEHEE: Teehee!
DODO: Dude!
(Everyone looks at Dodo.)
DODO: I mean, uh...how odd!
KING: Dodo, last week when you said you and O'Hara needed this room for an "experiment"...
DODO: Look, it was all in the interest of science! And besides that, she told me she needed the money...
KING:...besides that. Did you do THIS?
DODO: Er...um...her hair dye ate through the floor?
MOOFA: I don't think so, pal! Get ready to be toasted! (Moofa sticks her hand in the air) MOOFA IMPLANT POWER, MAKE-UP!
(Everything in the room turns pink. Moofa's clothing disappears and her naked body becomes a nice trippy rainbow pattern. She swirls around and around. Pink ribbons comes from nowhere and wraps itself around her arms and legs, forming boots and gloves. A skirt and leotard also appear on her body, with a bow right in the middle of her chest. A tiara stretches across her forehead. Moofa takes a final spin and stops, saluting in front of a crescent moon.)
MOOFA: I'm Sailor Moofa, and in the name of plastic surgery, you're punished!
DODO: What in the hell???
(Teehee stands up, also wearing a similar costume.)
TEEHEE: I'm Sailor Teehee! I won't stand for your, like, shenanigans! In the name of Ecuador, you're punished!
(Marcus spins around, rose petals magically flying off his body and his clothes turning into a tuxedo and top hat. A mask appears on his face. Marcus throws a petunia bush.)
MARCUS: And I am Tuxedo Marcus! In the name of hentai, I'll punish you! And I mean the gross kind, not just your average topless shot of Bulma!
(O'Hara leaps out of the bathroom and transforms.)
O'HARA: I stand for makeup and tight clothes! My name is Sailor O'Hara, and I'LL punish you! But you have to pay first!
(Doofus leaps into the air, wearing a similar sailor outfit...but backwards and inside out.)
DOOFUS; Duh, me Sailor Doofus. In name of Tubby-tubbies, me hurt you bad!
(President King, wearing an Arabian Sheik's uniform, brandishes a two-inch pocket knife and waves his arms around.)
KING: Like a blast of stale air from a subway, I am Tsukikage no President!I will make you contribute to my campaign!
(Everyone strikes a few final poses)
(Of course, by this time, Dodo has been gone for an hour.)
(Silence reigns.)
TUXEDO MARCUS: Moofa...you have some SERIOUS explaining to do. This outfit is so gay I can feel my testosterone levels lowering as we speak.
MOOFA: (confused) I don't know what happened!
O'HARA: hey, I LIKE this outfit!
TEEHEE: Oh my GAWD! I'm a Sailor Scout! Ohh COOL!
MOOFA: (muttering) That's Senshi, you numb whore…
KING: Um...I think I know what Marcus means. I feel like buying some tickets to a Barbara Streisand concert and wearing pink underwear.
MARCUS: Moofa, change us BACK!
MOOFA: I don't know how, they never showed that part on TV.
(Everyone groans.)
(Suddenly, there is a huge flash of light and everyone returns to 'normal".)
KING: Trippy, man.
MARCUS: Oh, no! Where's Dodo?
KING:...umm...THAT'S YOUR MISSION!!!! Apprehend Dodo and Quabbala!
MOOFA: Why?
KING: Because I told you to.
MOOFA: Good enough.
MARCUS: It is NOT! What's in it for us?
KING: REVENGE!
MARCUS: Revenge?
KING: REVENGE!
MARCUS: Ohh...decent. Okay, fine, what the hell ever.
TEEHEE: Can I keep the Teletubby?
MARCUS: NO.
(Anime shot of Quabbala standing on a cliff, his hair waving in the wind majestically. Slow, evil music plays as he raises his sword to the air menacingly.)
QUABBALA: Ahh, foolish young Marcus...you are MINE!
(All of a sudden, a squirrel runs past Quabbala.)
QUABBALA: ooh! OOH! Squirrels are SO CUTE!
SQUIRREL: Shove it and go stab yourself!
(All of a sudden, the squirrel turns bright green and explodes, splashing intestines everywhere.)
QUABBALA: Bitchin'!
(Back at Olympus, the whole bunch is assembled near the town's exit.)
MARCUS: I think our little group needs a name.
MOOFA: I think Marcus should think of the name! Marcus is so strong and smart and handsome and cool!
TEEHEE: Tee hee, you're right!
MOOFA: HEY!!! Don't talk to me, bitch!
TEEHEE: Oh! Okay!
FEY: Ha ha.
MOOFA: SHUT UP.
FEY: Okay.
MARCUS: Um, I think we should name the group...
TEEHEE:...the Spice Girls?
MARCUS: No.
MOOFA:...the Sailor Senshi?
MARCUS: No...
FEI:...the Bastard Children Of Necrophiliac Farmers With Six Toes?
MARCUS: Hmmm...well, that doesn't sound TOO bad...
BOB:...the Righteous Funky Love Bunnies! Yeah! YEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!
RASPUTIN: I agree with that young 'un!
FEI: Yeah, the Righteous Funky Love Bunnies sounds perfect!
MOOFA: Ooh, I like it!
TEEHEE: Like, yeah! Like, me too!
MARCUS:...oh god. Well, Hypyr, what do you think?
HYPYR: I think that an excellent title for this motley crew would be one which is simple, yet elegantly executed. "The Righteous Funky Love Bunnies" is a misnomer, due to the fact that we are not righteous, funky, or love bunnies. However, if one should wish to keep our handle of the lapine kind, may I suggest, perhaps, "Usagi Yojimbo"? It's meaning is, simply, "rabbit warrior" and I believe it to be a bit more appropriate, as well as a cultural reference to the magnificent nation of Japan.
(Everyone stares at Hypyr.)
HYPYR: I mean..."Let's go get some ice cream sundaes!"
EVERYONE: Ohhh...
MARCUS: Well, by popular idiot vote, the new name for our mercenary-for-hire company is the Righteous Funky blah blah a blah blah blah blah.
MOOFA: Hooray! Now we need uniforms! Can we PLEASE dress up like the Sailor Senshi?
MARCUS: OH GOD.
TEEHEE: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!
HYPYR: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!
FEY: Can I be Tuxedo Kamen?
MOOFA: NO!!! Marcus has to be!!
FEY: Aww!!
MARCUS: NO. WE ARE NOT DRESSING UP AS SAILOR MOON, MERCURY, MARS, JUPITER, VENUS, PLUTO, NEPTUNE, URANUS, SATURN, CHIBI MOON, CHIBI CHIBI, GALAXIA, COSMOS, STAR HEALER, STAR MAKER, STAR FIGHTER, FIREBALL, TIN NYANKO, IRON MOUSE, ALUMINUM SIREN, LEAD CROW, JUNJUN, PALLAPALLA, VESVES, CERECERE, CHI, PHI, LETHE, MNESOMYSNE, QUEEN/PRINCESS/NEO-QUEEN SERENITY, KING ENDYMION, TUXEDO KAMEN, OR THE TSUKIKAGE NO KNIGHT!
(Silence.)
HYPYR: DAMN!!!
BOB: I'll say! What the hell are you on?
MOOFA: And when Bob asks that, he's serious!
MARCUS: Did I forget any Sailors or incarnations of Tuxedo Kamen?
MOOFA: No no no, you're fine.
MARCUS: Cool. I pulled that straight out of my ass.
FEI: I believe it! And I also believe in equal right for the bastard children of necrophiliac farmers with six toes on each foot!
BOB: I think the girls should wear leather minidresses, fishnets, and 8-inch platforms!
(Everyone automatically looks at Rasputin.)
RASPUTIN: Hey, like I'm gonna argue with THAT!
MOOFA: NO WAY!!! Do you have any IDEA how itchy those fishnet things are?
BOB: How would you know?
(Moofa suddenly bursts out in hysterical tears. The males, fearing for their masculinity, quickly go off to piss behind trees.)
HYPYR: What's wrong, Moofa?
MOOFA: (wailing) IT REMINDED ME OF MY TERRIBLE PAST!!!
TEEHEE: Like, what, like past was that?
MOOFA: (sniffle) I was...
******OOOOOOOOH WHAT A NICE FLAAAAAASHBAAACK!!*******
(Anime shot of Moofa dancing in a g-string on a stage. She licks the pole next to her and shakes her butt.)
MOOFA: (singing way off-key.) If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends, make it last forever, friendship never eeee-eeends!
HORNY GUYS IN AUDIENCE: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHH!!! YEEEAAAAHHH!!!
*******END DAMN LOVELY LITTLE FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!********
MOOFA: (sniffle) ...and then those slutty little British sluts kicked me out of the band! I still can't believe how mean they were!
TEEHEE: WOW!!! I, like, sooooo totally can't believe that you were, like, the sixth Spice Girl!
HYPYR: What was your name?
MOOFA: Uhh...I was Tacky Spice.
TEEHEE: Like, I love the Spice Girls soo soooooooooo sooooooooo much!!!
MOOFA: Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?
TEEHEE: Like, I don't get it.
MOOFA: Okay, lemme spell it out for you, dipstick: I am the female lead. I am the attractive one. I am the one who will end up with Marcus at the end. I have an IQ higher than 6. You are a dumb stupid ugly freakish ditzy BITCH who nobody likes. SO SHUT UP.
TEEHEE: Oww...pain...use smaller words...
(Cloud Strife runs up to Moofa.)
CLOUD: That's where you're wrong!
MOOFA: Huh?
CLOUD: Hold on a minute, Sephiroth and I gotta flex.
(Anime shot of Sephiroth running up next to Cloud and stripping. The music to that "I'm Too Sexy" song starts playing.)
CLOUD AND SEPHIROTH: We're...too sexy for the Shinra...too sexy for the Shinra too sexy yeeeeaaahhh....
(Teehee, Moofa, and Hypyr stare openmouthed.)
CLOUD AND SEPHIROTH: And we're...too sexy for Squaresoft...too sexy for Squaresoft...hmmm hmmm mmmm oh yeah...
(Cloud and Sephiroth rip of their Velcro-legged pants at exactly the right moments, revealing gold shorts. The music changes to "Miss You". Sephiroth and Cloud begin dancing wildly.)
(All of a sudden, Marcus runs over to them.)
MARCUS: Hey! HEY!! Stop harassing these innocent young girls!!
CLOUD: You can't have-a de Mango!
SEPHIROTH: Who's gonna stop us, shorty? YOU?
(Sephiroth and Cloud share a polygonal shoulder-shaking laugh.)
MARCUS: hell yeah!!
CLOUD: Look, kid, we're both attractive warriors with supernatural powers in our twenties. We're part of a multibillion dollar franchise that's one of the most successful companies in gaming history.
SEPHIROTH: AND we have our own action figures!
MARCUS: Dammit!
CLOUD: In fact, we're sooooooooo cool, we even get a cameo in another game!
SEPHIROTH: Plus, my illegitimate mother is an evil space being, and she can kick your ass!
CLOUD: I've seen it, baby!
MARCUS:...you guys are scary.
SEPHIROTH: Duh.
CLOUD: Hur hur hur!
TEEHEE: Gee, like, you have, like, such keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen hair!
CLOUD: Yeah, you KNOW it!! Say, you remind me of another annoying bitch I used to know. Want Sephiroth to stab you in the back?
TEEHEE: Um, like, maybe later, okay? Cuz, like, I'm, like, busy.
CLOUD: Cool, no problem.
SEPHIROTH: hey, Cloud, let's go, okay? These people suck.
CLOUD: Yeah, you're right. Let's go beat up Vincent and watch him cry again!
SEPHIROTH: YEAH!!
(Cloud and Sephiroth leave.)
MOOFA: Well, that was surreal.
HYPYR: DAMMIT, MARCUS! YOU DIDN'T HELP US AT ALL!!
MOOFA: Yeah, what's with you?
(The girls leave. Marcus is left alone. He takes out his sword and points it at the sky.)
MARCUS: By this very blade do I solemnly swear from now on to protect Moofa from any harm! But I dunno about the other two.
(Marcus pauses.)
MARCUS: I must say this for the past couple of scenes...DAMN TRANSLATORS!!!
(Marcus sighs and walks around. During those interminably long past 2 minutes, it became night.)
(Anime shot of Marcus looking up at the night sky, with those damn fireflies swirling around, as usual.)
(Marcus takes a deep breath)
MARCUS: (way off key) Wishing on a dream that seems far off-
(Several Japanese people come and beat up several American people for REWRITING THOSE SONG LYRICS SO THAT THEY MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.)
MARCUS: Oh well.
(He turns around. Moofa is standing there, her eyes in heart shapes.)
MOOFA: Oh, Marcus...
MARCUS: HOLY CRAP!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR EYES?
MOOFA: (walking up to Marcus.) Did you sing that for me?
MARCUS: We needed another musical number...besides, the developers didn't think a snappy rendition of "Tomorrow" would fit any better.
MOOFA: (getting a romantic look in her eye.) On myyyyyyyyyy oooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnn, preeteeennndinnnnnnnnng heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's beeeeeeeeeesiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide meeeeeeeeeeee....
(The birds fall out of the trees. The river turns to blood. Brains boil inside their skulls.)
MARCUS: Hey, that was pretty good.
MOOFA: really?
MARCUS: Yeah, you sound almost as good as one of those...whaddaya call 'em...Spice Girls?
MOOFA: YOU BASTARD! (she runs away crying hysterically)
MARCUS: Huh?
MOOFA: (calling back) I said, "YOU BASTARD!"
MARCUS: Oh...HEY!
(Teehee comes running up.)
TEEHEE: Oh babeee babeee, how was I supposed to, like, know...
MARCUS: (Falling to his knees in pain) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!
TEEHEE:...Sometimes I run...
(Anime shot of the ground splitting open. A red guy in button-flap pajamas jumps out and roars.)
MARCUS: What the...?
TEEHEE: (still singing) You drive me crazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
SATAN: (for it is he) SHUT UP, BITCH.
TEEHEE: Like, sorry!
(Satan goes back where he belongs-New Jersey.)
MARCUS: Oh thank god.
TEEHEE: I know! Like, we just saw Satan! I'm soooooooo totally scared!
MARCUS: No, I mean THANK GOD you stopped singing! Jeez! Do you perhaps GARGLE Drano?
TEEHEE: Well, like, I wanna, like, sound as good as, like, Britney Spears.
MARCUS: Good job, you're almost as frightening.
TEEHEE: Teehee! YAY!
(Marcus makes a whoosh motion over the top of his head and rolls his eyes.)
TEEHEE: So, like, where did Moofa go?
MARCUS: I don't know. I think I offended her when I said she sounds like a Spice Girl when she sings. I guess I understand, but...
TEEHEE: ohh, yeah, she's, like, really easy to piss off.
MARCUS: Yeah...I know...
(Silence for a minute. Teehee tries to catch a lightning bug, but it veers away as fast as possible.)
TEEHEE: Like, Marcus?
MARCUS: Yeah, Teehee?
TEEHEE: Hey! Like, why are you laughing?
MARCUS: I'm not laughing, Teehee, I-
TEEHEE: Like, you did it AGAIN!
MARCUS: Uhhh...Teehee...
TEEHEE: Like, cut it out!
MARCUS: Teehee...
TEEHEE: WAAAAAAAH!!!
MARCUS: TEEHEE!!
TEEHEE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
MARCUS: (annoyed) HEY, ASS FOR BRAINS!
(Teehee immediately stops crying.)
TEEHEE: Like, what?
MARCUS: YOU LAUGH LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME!
TEEHEE: like what?
MARCUS: You know...'tee hee"...?
TEEHEE: What?
MARCUS: 'Tee hee!'
TEEHEE: Like, why are you saying my name?
(Marcus smacks himself in the head and groans.)
(Bob comes running up)
BOB: Marcus! Come quick! We found a pandimensional space/time loophole!
MARCUS: Whaa?
BOB: Seriously! Fey thinks it will lead to where Quabbala is! He's already gone through!
MARCUS: that dumbass! Come on, Teehee, let's go!
TEEHEE: Like, stop laughing!
(Anime shot of a giant swirly thing floating in midair.)
(Marcus runs up to Moofa.)
MOOFA: Marcus! I'm so glad you're here! Listen, Fey's in trouble! He found Quabbala on the other side, and now he's there alone!
MARCUS: Hooo boy. Well, I guess we better go save him. The people coming with me will be...Bob and Moofa. Hypyr, Teehee, and Rasputin: you three go together! And for Chrissakes don't do anything stupid!
BOB: There ain't no falling out of this plane we're on!
MARCUS: What?
BOB: Nothing
MARCUS: No no no, you said something! What was it?
BOB: I said, there ain't no falling outta this plane we're on!
MARCUS: I know what you said, I was just trying to make sure you knew how retarded you sounded.
(Marcus, Bob, and Moofa jump into the time/space hole.)
(Anime shot of our three "heroes" falling in what appears to be a large rainbow tube. A trippy orchestral version of "One-Balled Angel", also known as the Annoying Latin Song, plays in the background.)
(Marcus, Moofa, and Bob fall out of the sky in front of Quabbala, Bloodbath, and Fey. They don't say or do anything.)
(Nobody notices they're there.)
(Naturally.)
(I mean, jeez, how convenient is this?)
FEY: (with tears in his eyes) Please, Snowie! Can't you see what this man has done to you? Come back to me!
BLOODBATH: My name is Sorceress Witch Magician Queen Bloodbath, not Snowie! And Quabbala's way handsomer and smarter and a better lay than you are!
QUABBALA: (extremely pleased) I AM?
BLOODBATH: Go away, you filthy bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes!
FEY: hey, that's my line, dammit!
QUABBALA: Dammit!
BLOODBATH: Dammit!
MARCUS: Dammit!
MOOFA: Dammit!
BOB: Janet!
(Everyone looks at Bob strangely.)
BOB: What?
FEY: Bob! Moofa! Marcus! Help me!
(Better-done sprites of the heroes and Quabbala/Bloodbath appear. Marcus waves his sword around and attempts to look vaguely fearsome. Bob jumps up and down like an 8-year old on Fun Dip, waving a gun. Moofa bends over in a tight miniskirt, apparently doing stretches. Fey tries to run and hide behind a tree.)
(Quabbala tries to stab Marcus, but misses. Marcus uses a HMFB and summons Jack Kervorkian.)
KERVORKIAN; Sorry, I only try to help those wishing to end their pain and suffering.
(Moofa kicks Kervorkian in the balls.)
KERVORKIAN: Oww...
MOOFA: Limit Break! BOTTLE SMASH!!!!
(A bottle magically appears in Moofa's hand. She runs up, jumps 50 feet in the air, and smashes it down on Quabbala's head.)
(The battle is over. Everyone jumps up and down with incomparable glee.)
QUABBALA: (lying on the ground) Ugghh...
BLOODBATH: You bastards!
FEY: What did I just say to you?!
(Quabbala and Bloodbath shimmer and disappear.)
FEY: (running towards where Bloodbath just was) Snowie! SNOWIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M THE BASTARD SON OF A NECROPHILIAC FARMER WITH SIX TOES!! (he falls down, crying.)
(Nobody does anything.)
(Bob and Moofa look at Marcus.)
MARCUS: **sigh** (he walks over to Fey and squats down beside him.)Hey, man. You okay?
FEY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! SNOWIE!!!! (He grabs the front of Marcus' shirt and starts crying into it.) Quabbala's turned Snowie into a bad evil person!
MARCUS: Ummm...that sucks, all right.
MOOFA: Wow, he's SUCH a caring guy.
BOB: You're the smart one?
FEY: **sniffle** that's it, then! I can't fight my own wife!
BOB: SHE'S your WIFE? Hoooooo, boy! What the hell did you do to get her?
FEY: Well, it involved a tub of Vaseline and a pitchfork...hey, WAIT A MINUTE!
MOOFA: Oh, Fey! Don't give up! Let your love for Snowie transform her back into her former self!
FEY: You really think that'll help?
MOOFA:...not really.
(Fey starts crying again.)
(All of a sudden, Rasputin, Hypyr, and Teehee appear out of nowhere.)
RASPUTIN: Booyah!
HYPYR: HAHAHAHAHAA!!!
TEEHEE: Tee hee!
BOB: OH YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!
MOOFA: Awright!
FEY: I'm the bastard son of a...**sob**...necrophiliac farmer with six...**sniffle** toes.
MARCUS: What was that?
BOB: Who the hell knows?
FEY: (still crying. What a jerk) Snowie....oh, Snowie...
RASPUTIN: Now see here, young 'un, ya can't just walk around all the time like a gol-dang sack 'o sadness! You gotta go
HYPYR: (singing) DO you be-LIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE in love after love?
MOOFA: ( singing as well. Aaaargh ) After love after love after love after love after love after love after love after love after love after love after love after love after love...did I miss one?
MARCUS: Well, now we all have about a zillion things to do...
MOOFA: Find and apprehend Quabbala!
BOB: Recapture Bloodbath and turn her back into Fey's doormat wife!
FEY: HEY!!!!
HYPYR: Get Dodo back to President King!
RASPUTIN: HEY!!! What's that over there?
(Everyone turns to see where Rasputin is pointing.)
RASPUTIN: It looks like...
BOB:...a giant vibrator!
HYPYR: Ew.
TEEHEE: Tee hee. What's, like, a vibrator?
MOOFA: A girl's best friend.
TEEHEE: Ohh, like, okay!
MARCUS: Moofa, this is no time for fun and games! We have to do all that stuff we just said! And what's under the giant vibrator, anyways?
(Bob goes over to the vibrator and picks it up. Underneath it is a dude. Yep, a dude. DUDE.)
(The dude jumps up.)
(Anime shot of the guy waving a curling iron at them.)
GUY: hey there, you ugly, worthless wastes of carbon! I'm Blah Dweebizil! I'm the coolest guy in the universe! Chicks dig me! Guys dig me! GOATS dig me! I'm so cool and strong and sexy and smart and handsome!
MOOFA: Ugh. You're also a very bad liar.
BLAH: Now now, pretty lady, try to suppress your undoubtedly overwhelming urge to jump my bones as we speak. I'm rich, too.
TEEHEE: Teehee! I think your hair is cool!
(Blah's hair is spiked up on top of his head so that is resembles a diving flipper.)
BLAH: Ooh, I KNOW! Isn't it JUST? I'm simply DIVINE.
MARCUS: I feel so violent, I don't even know where to begin.
MOOFA: Start with the mouth.
(Blah shoots a wink in Moofa's direction, then sticks his butt out and puts his hand on his hip.)
BLAH: Listen, you ugly freaks, I'll join your party and show you all how to live!
EVERYONE: (with a highly noticeable lack of enthusiasm) Great.
BLAH: Thank me later, now let's get going!
MARCUS: But, we have no idea where we ARE going!
TEEHEE: Teehee! Let's go to the mall!
(Nobody says anything.)
BOB: LET'S GO GET SOME SUGAR!!!
HYPYR: OOOOH OOOOH!!! YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
(Anime shot of Bob and Hypyr looking at each other with extremely large eyes.)
BOB: What is this I'm feeling...?
HYPYR: This...desire, this...this...
MOOFA: (very quietly) ...is starting to sound like a Shania Twain song.
(Everyone ignores her.)
BOB: Hypyr, I...
HYPYR: Bob...
BOB: I...
HYPYR: Yes...
(Bob grabs Hypyr. They both begin slobbering all over each others' faces like two rabid weasels in heat.)
MOOFA: God, NOT again!!! Am I EVER gonna get any??
BLAH: Well, isn't that just PRECIOUS?
FEY: Sheesh...
TEEHEE: Awww!!! That is, like, just SOOO cute!
MARCUS:...Ohhh man, that is disgusting.
RASPUTIN: Booyah! (Does what we all know and love)
BOB: (Covered in Lip Smackers and spit) OW!! Hey, you know, now that I have a use for those, cut it out!!!!
HYPYR: BITCH!!! (She slams the tip of her bright yellow cowboy boots into Rrasputin's groin. The old man's eyeballs pop out and he falls over.)
BOB: I love you, Hypyr!
HYPYR: I hope I don't get piss stains on my boots.
MARCUS: Aar, I be talkin' like a pirate, matey.
(Everyone gives Marcus a very strange look)
MOOFA: Oh, no! Something's wrong with Marcus!
Everyone stares at Marcus, who still can't believe what just came out of his mouth.)
MARCUS: Aaar, what be goin' on with me voice? I sound like Faris from Final Fantasy V, arr!
(Everyone shudders.)
MOOFA: Oh, no, Marcus! They've twisted and perverted you! I must avenge this dreadful injustice! (assuming heroic pose-fists clenched, one in a punching position, the other on her hip, looking up at nothing in particular in the sky.) I will not permit my friends to be treated in such a way!!
BOB: Are you going to punish us in the name of the moon now?
TEEHEE: (crying) Ohhh, like, my GAWD!! Marcus! Like, what is wrong with you?
MARCUS: (turning to Teehee and holding her hands) Aaaar, fair lassie, let this not affect ye! Aaar, 'tis a dreadful thing, to be true, but ne'er has a braver woman been than y'self to withstand its evil!
(Anime shot of everyone's mouths dropping open to the point of leaving fair-size dents in the ground)
ALL: Marcus??
BLAH: Jeez, like, isn't HE a little weird boy!
FEY: First Snowie, now Marcus...to top it all off, I'm the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot!
BOB: Hypyr, this is making me horny. Let's go bang.
HYPYR: okay!!!
(Hypyr and Bob go off behind some trees to "bang", not knowing that "Let's Go bang" is the name of a Jennifer Slut—er, Love Hewitt album. Their slight of tongue will NOT be forgotten...)
MARCUS: Aaar, 'tis a dark day, indeed! Me tongue be corrupted!
BLAH: I know what's wrong with that guy! He's got...(dramatic pause) CRAZY PIRATE TALKING MADNESS!
(Everyone is silent.)
RASPUTIN: You made that up, didn't you?
BLAH: Uh...well...yeah.
FEY: Screw you, you aren't helping!
BLAH: Well, like, I am just SO sorry.
HYPYR: (from behind tree) HOLY CRAP, BOB!!!
BOB: (from behind...uhhh...Hypyr) You ain't seen NOTHIN' yet, girl!
HYPYR: Not you, you big dumb sexy ol' jerk! The green guy standing over there!
(Anime shot of Dodo laughing malevolently as lightning flashes around his face.)
DODO: MWAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!! BEHOLD, THE POWER OF THE ZONEFORCEPOWER!!!!!!!!!
(Suddenly, our alleged heroes are buried waist-deep in neon-blue muck. It glows strangely.)
TEEHEE: Hey! This, like, totally clashes with my outfit!
MOOFA: What are you talking about? Blue and pink go fine together! You're so stupid!
HYPYR: Oh, shit, LOOK at this nasty stuff! What is it, bionic snot or something?
FEY: This is insulting to one of my heritage, which is being the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot! I deserve respect!
RASPUTIN: I deserve a towel! Yeeee-uch!
BLAH: Oh, MY god! This stuff just missed my hair by an INCH!
BOB: **cough, choke** I got some in my mouth...
MARCUS: Shut up, you...(stops to count)...you seven! We need to find out what happened!
(Anime shot of Quabbala and Bloodbath mysteriously appearing behind Dodo and floating villain-like in the air.)
QUABBALA: This Zoneforcepower shall melt you into little piles of bio-mush!
BLOODBATH: And more importantly, it'll cause merchandising to go down a full sixteen percent!
RIGHTEOUS FUNKY LOVE BUNNIES: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT THE MERCHANDISING!!!!
MARCUS: LIMIT BREAK!!! Big Sword Slashy Thingy!
(Marcus attempts to leap up in the air, but the Zoneforcepower drags him down again before his little knife can even connect.)
DODO: Hahahahahahahaaaaaa!!! The Zoneforcepower will drag you down again before your little knife can even connect!
QUABBALA: Uh, that was said already, sir.
DODO: QUIET, YOU INFIDEL!!!
QUABBALA: Okay.
BLOODBATH: I must destroy you all!
FEY: (Starting to cry again.) Snoooooooooowiiiiiiiiiieeee!!!! Darling! Please, don't do this!
BLOODBATH: Shut up! Being evil is GREAT!!! I don't have to iron your underwear, or light your pipe, or bring you your slippers, or make you dinner, or do the laundry, or dust, or vacuum anymore!
FEY: Snowie, my love...I never asked you to iron my underwear! I don't smoke! We lived in a tropical climate, and I never even wore slippers! We ate out all the time! We had a maid that did the laundry, dusted, and vacuumed!
BLOODBATH: Oh. (A pause) Then I'll attempt to destroy you anyways just to advance the plot!
FEY: Fair enough. (thinks) Will my being the bastard son of a necrophiliac farmer with six toes on each foot persuade you to leave us alone and come back to me?
QUABBALA: You think you're so special? Well, I'M the test-tube baby of an evil space being and/or a mad scientist with creepy tentacles and a penchant for wearing women's lingerie!
DODO: And I'm the bastard son of my uncle, who was a rabid hamster farmer with seventeen toes on each KNEE!!!!!! So, shut up!
(Anime shot of Fey turning blue, then falling over into the Zoneforcepower)
MARCUS: Fey!
BLOODBATH: Until we meet again...you big stupid ugly fat mean dumb smelly ugly old stinky poopy-head JERKS!!!
DODO:...
QUABBALA: You really need to work on your Villain Insults (™)...
(Quabbala whispers something in Bloodbath's ear. A lightbulb appears over her head.)
BLOODBATH: Oh!! Okay! **ahem** Until we meet again, disgusting, weak creatures of the light!
QUABBALA: Okay, that's a bit better.
(The bad guys all disappear in three little flashes of light.)
MOOFA: Marcus! They're gone!
MARCUS: Screw them! FEY! HEY, FEY! (He struggles around in the Zoneforcepower until he finds Fey. HE BRINGS THE OTHER M