Synopsis: Castle's guilt takes him on a journey with someone important to KB. One shot. **Spoilers** I haven't written a FF in a long time. This one has been in my brain for a while and just needed to be out. Rated T
Characters aren't mine they belong to ABC and Andrew Marlow & co. Just love 'em and it's killing me to wait til the 19th to continue their journey.
"Rick. I'm going to go to the restroom and get us some coffee. I'll be right back." Jim Beckett sighed as he slipped out of the dark room.
The other man in the room slumped further into his chair and nodded. It hurt too much to speak. The mantra that had been circling his mind since arriving at the hospital droned endlessly on. This is my fault. I did this to her. I put her in the crosshairs. Running his hand through his hair he murmured quietly. "Damn it the ass is right, it is my fault."
This time, Kate would tell him, he moved from wiseass to jackass fighting with Doctor Motorcycle Boy and in front of his daughter, her dad and everyone from the 12th. The almost braw in the waiting room, upsetting Jim so much he had to yell at everyone…that was his fault too. All of it. As much as he hated to admit it, he just couldn't disagree with the angry surgeon.
He had dug into her mother's case when she specifically asked him not to. He knew now how selfish that had been. Then when it spiraled out of control...when everyone counted on him to get her to back down. He failed. And if that wasn't bad enough he just made the situation worse by saying things that he shouldn't have. He was her partner and he betrayed that trust. He didn't stand-by her when he should have regardless of the danger. He promised always. That meant something to him but she had been like a runaway train, barreling toward a washed out bridge. He was scared and so afraid of losing her. He may as well have painted a bull's-eye on her. He had gotten the Captain killed too. And what for…so that he could get material for a book? No, he'd known for a while it wasn't about the books anymore. Maybe if he was honest with himself, he could admit he was just trying to be a hero for Kate. Make her love him, make himself worthy. Yeah right, hero to zero, that's what he was.
"I wish…I wish you had never met me," he murmured quietly as he dropped his head back and closed his eyes.
"Rick?" A feminine voice whispered behind his left shoulder. "This is not your fault. You don't know what would be if she had never met you."
"Right! I just almost got her killed." He answered automatically. "I'm sorry…do I know you?"
"Don't you recognize me?" She asked quietly. "I know you've seen my pictures. You've seen the crime scene photos."
"No can't be. I must be worse off then I thought." Rick muttered as he straightened up in the chair and ran his hands through his hair for the hundredth time. He rubbed his eyes than looked again to make sure that he wasn't imaging who was standing next to him. "Maybe being slammed against the wall jarred my head"
"No, there's nothing wrong with your head." She looked him in the eyes with an expression that he recognized from seeing it almost daily from Kate. "Really it's not your fault." Rolling her eyes, she went on. "Don't give me that look Richard Castle. I know what a good man you are. I know how you feel about my daughter."
"Yeah right. She was doing fine without me. No way am I good enough for her. Do you know how many times I've almost got her killed? Besides no one knows the real me. Personally, I'm a world-class failure. I've been married twice. The first wife, she couldn't wait to sleep with someone else, her career was more important then our marriage and daughter. The second one only wanted Richard Castle, the world famous author and what his money could buy. Not the real me. Kate… she doesn't care about any of that. She doesn't put up with my crap. But I let her down. I promised her always then...didn't deliver." He dropped his head into his hands with a groan.
"Shh…take my hand. I want to show you some things and then we'll talk about your wish." Johanna said as she pulled him out of his chair.
When he looked up they were standing in a restaurant.
"Dad, it's not funny. Mom promised that she wouldn't miss this dinner." A younger Kate sighed as she reached for her purse. Pulling out her wallet, she unzipped it and flipped through the contents. "I don't have $5.00 on me, I'm going to have to owe you."
"It's okay Katie-girl. We both knew that it was a long shot that she was going to make it tonight. Your mother's sense of right and wrong has been irked and whatever it is that she has been working on has been bothering her for the last couple of weeks. Let's just enjoy dinner and we'll take her something home. Hey maybe she'll show up in time for dessert." Jim Beckett grinned back at his daughter.
"Mrs. Beckett… is that?" Before he could continue he was standing before an apartment door next to Kate and her Dad. When he glanced up, he saw Detective John Reglan walking toward them.
"Excuse me, is this the home of Johanna Beckett?" He inquired as he held out his badge for them to see.
"Yes, I'm Jim Beckett, Johanna's husband. What can I do for you officer?"
"Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news…"
Time blurred by and the next thing Rick saw was Kate dressed in black. Her beautiful green eyes were red rimmed and swollen. She was shaking the shoulders of her father. His head was lying on a desk with his right hand still wrapped around a glass. The dregs of a double shot of bourbon still present in the bottom. "Dad you have to wake up. We need to get to the funeral home. The service starts in thirty minutes. Please, I need you Daddy…please get up." She begged.
Jim Beckett lifted his head up and blinked. "Be right there. I'm sorry Katie-girl. I just, I don't know how I'm gonna get through this." His words were slurred as he stood up and stumbled out of the room.
Rick watched in horror as Kate dropped onto the sofa, alone, staring blindly ahead. He watched her shutter then stiffen and pull herself together. He tried to move forward but was glued to his spot. He couldn't watch any longer and turned toward her mother, pain radiating from his eyes.
"I know. The next five years were worse. Within six months of my death, she dropped out of college and started the police academy. She went through the motions of life. Not the one we had talked about for years, no law school, no college fraternities…she took care of her father and the streets of New York. Picked him up when he was too drunk to drive. Baled him out when he became unruly and got himself arrested. She helped pay the bills, when he lost his job at the law firm. She just kept dragging him to AA meetings until he finally hit rock bottom."
She paused and then took a deep breath and went on. "He was sitting at his favorite pub, The Acme Bar and Grill, real seedy place. The bartender called Kate to come get him and when she showed up…she tried to convince him to leave, things got heated and…and he slapped her, right across the face. They stood there just staring at each other, Kate holding her cheek, Jim with his mouth wide open. It was his moment of truth. He went into an inpatient rehab center the next morning and got sober. It was hard on both of them but he finally got his act together."
Time blurred again and he found himself outside of a Barnes and Noble. It was raining but that didn't appear to stop the line of people who were trying to get into the store. There waiting patiently was Kate, her hair in a ponytail, tight jeans and an oversized navy blue Derrick Storm sweatshirt. A book wrapped in plastic clutched to her chest. She was trying to peer into the window bouncing back and forth on her toes. He saw her reach into her pocket and pull out what appeared to be an ancient cell phone.
"Hello…hey Maddie. I'm fine. It's taking forever but I'm sticking it out. What…yeah he's definitely cuter in person. I can see him through the glass…No, I am not giving him my phone number. He would never be interested in someone like me, besides that's so tacky…yeah I know when has that ever stopped us. I will. Talk to you soon. Bye."
"Do you know that she's read every one of your books? After my murder, they become a lifeline for her. She was struggling to just get through the days then. There were times I thought she would drown but no not my Katie. She would just lock herself in the bathroom with a glass of wine, a tub full of hot water, and one of your books. They…you helped her before you even knew her." Johanna smiled.
Rick watched as she made it to his table. He watched as he pulled her book toward him and looked up. He saw himself smile at her and ask her name. She giggled slightly, murmured a quiet, "Kate." He chuckled as he was reminded how she acted upon meeting Joe "Freakin" Torre.
As his attention shifted back, he watched himself sign the book and push it toward her. Smiling she moved to pick up the book as he reached out and grabbed her hand and squeezed. Their eyes met and they both smiled staring into each other's eyes. At the loud sound of someone clearing their throat, he dropped her hand and the contact was broken. When he looked back she was gone. He saw himself shake his head and take a breath before pasting a grin on his face and moving on to the next person in line.
The now familiar blur in time happened again and he found them outside of an apartment that look vaguely familiar.
"Do you remember this place? Kate and you were chasing a vicious man. He killed his victims and left them with a voodoo curse. I think you were looking for a …"
"Pocketbook. It was a knock off from Canal Street. Had fake identification papers sowed into it." Rick answered.
"This is the first time you saved my Katie's life. If you were not there, she would have been killed that day. She would have been alone. Back up would have never got to her in time. She and the yoga girl would have ended up on that red felt just like the others. Captain Montgomery's conscience would have not held out much longer. He was a good man and with no reason to keep that horrible man's secret, he would have taken his evidence and tried to bring him to justice. This would have most likely gotten him and his family killed. It would have been another murder written off as random violence or maybe attributed to his job. Esposito and Ryan, they along with thousands of innocent New Yorkers would have died because you and Kate wouldn't have been there to stop that dirty bomb."
"I…" Rick stammered.
"It's not your fault. I know how you feel about my daughter. You're a good man and much stronger than you think. Please be patient, she does love you. She's scared too." Johanna told him before turning toward the door. She stopped and looked back over her shoulder. "Oh, by the way, that arrogant surgeon…he's toast when she finds out what he did in that waiting room."
"Rick!" Jim called as he shook the younger man's shoulder. "Wake up, she's calling for you."
"Um…thank God." Rick stammered as he jumped up out of the chair and leaned over the bed. "Kate, I'm here. I'm here sweetheart," he said squeezing her hand.
Her eyes flittered open and she smiled groggily. Green eyes met blue as they both pondered how close they came to losing the other. Rick's breath caught as he recognized something new staring back at him.
"Rick…love…you too." She whispered as she gripped his hand tighter to hers. "Always."