Rocks and hard places

I didn't see CA, and don't really like Chris Evans, but I like the idea of these two together.

Tony fell into a glacier in the episode "The Origin of Iron Man" from the 1994 TV series.

This is a pre-slash story, actually.

Tony Stark removed his helmet and placed it on a nearby rock. He punched a button on his wrist, and the face plate came instantly to life.

"JARVIS? You there?"

"At your service, Mr. Stark."

"Give me the bad news, JARVIS."

"You have fallen into an inactive volcano, sir."

"Yeah, I know that," Tony retorted. "Next time we run out of power, try choosing a better place to crash, will you?" And he pointedly rubbed the back of his neck.

JARVIS wasn't impressed. "Perhaps if you had heeded my warnings, we would not have crashed at all, sir. I distinctly recall -"

"Ok," Tony cut in, "I'm gonna pretend you didn't say what I think you just said. Just tell me how long till we get full power again!"

"Auxiliary reserves shall be restored to full capacity in six hours. With additional weight to carry, however, that energy will soon be depleted."

Tony glanced at the man leaning on the rocky wall. Steve Rogers, aka Captain America didn't seem to resent being called 'additional weight.' He merely waited.

"I suggest that you wait for rescue, Mr. Stark," JARVIS added. "I already sent a distress call to SHIELD's quarters. They should respond to it in the next two hours."

"Yeah, if we're lucky," Tony said skeptically. "Fury's got his hands full right now." He was silent for a couple of seconds, then, "Let's recharge. We'll get out of here and then we'll see how far we can go."

"Very well, Mr. Stark. Recharging process will commence in one minute. I suggest you find a comfortable place to lie down."

Tony looked around.

"You see a comfortable place in here?" He wasn't talking to Rogers, but the young man responded.

"You could sit there," he said quietly. He was pointing at a large boulder.

Tony clumsily lowered himself on it. He didn't say so, but it was actually a good place to rest. He could even lie down. But before he did, he had to make sure Rogers was ok. The poor guy looked jumpy.

"Hey. We're gonna be ok. Ok?"

"Can you really get your power back?"

"Sure. But it'll take a while."

"Six hours?"

"Six. Five, at the very least. But don't worry, we're gonna make it. I've been through this before." He didn't add that he'd fallen into a glacier that one time. It didn't seem prudent, considering Rogers' history. "That was worse," Tony said simply.

"Indeed," JARVIS piped in. "Mr. Stark had a very rudimentary computer system backing him up at the time."

"Yeah, well, at least she would have suggested that I wear a removable armor for this mission," Tony replied. He looked up. The crater's opening was a distant circle of white and blue. "We'll have some light for a couple of hours more," he said. Looking back at Steve, he added, "I suggest we get some sleep."

"Now?" Steve frowned. "Can you sleep with your armor on?"

"Sure." And then, just to liven up things a little, Tony added, "You'd be surprised at all the things I can do with my armor on." He was gratified to see Rogers flush. For a supposedly innocent kid from the forties, Steve Rogers seemed to have a really dirty mind. Drop a little phrase in the right tone, and the kid did the rest. Innuendo went a long way with him. "Anyway," Tony said in a more business-like manner. "We've got nothing to do for the next six hours, so…" He pointedly lay down and closed his eyes.

He took a deep, cleansing breath, then another.

He could feel his muscles start to loosen up.

Soon, he would be asleep…

… If his partner in misadventure stopped making noise, that is. Intrigued, Tony opened one eye to see what Rogers was up to. The young man was pacing about the cave, touching the walls, looking up at the circle of sky above them, and then touching the walls again.

It wasn't till Rogers tentatively turned his attention to the Iron Man helmet that Tony finally spoke.

"Please, don't touch that."

Caught, Rogers was instantly apologetic.

"Sorry. I wasn't... I mean, I didn't -"

"What part of 'go to sleep' didn't you get, Rogers?"

Steve shook his head.

"I'm not sleepy."

Tony half-rose. "You're in bad shape, Steve." he said patiently. "You need a rest. We both need a rest."

"I know."

"SHIELD can't afford to send a rescue mission right now. Looking at the sky won't change that fact." Rogers instinctively looked up, then back at Tony. Resigned, he was about to lean against a wall, but stopped when Tony added, "And you can stop pawing the walls, too; there's no miracle exit anywhere. And if you're thinking of making one, just remember we're in highly unstable ground."

"I know."

"Well, then stop moving around! Your suit's squeaking's driving me nuts!"

Rogers was indignant. "My suit doesn't squeak!"

"Trust me, it does. And if it's not the suit, then it's your knees or your damn metatarsals; I'd have then checked by a doctor if I were you." He stared at Steve until the young man finally got the hint and sat down. "Thanks. Now, if you'll excuse me -" And he closed his eyes.

...Only to open them again.

Steve had started tapping his foot.

Tony sighed.

"Rogers? Are you claustrophobic?"

"I'm not."

Tony gave him a look. "Do you need to pee, or something?"

"Of course not! It's just… It's my metabolism."

That got Tony's attention. He half-rose this time.

"Your metabolism?"

"I'm hungry," Rogers said apologetically.

"Well, then bouncing around's only gonna deplete your reserves faster!"

"I know. But I can't just sit back and do nothing!"

Tony considered the situation for a moment.

"Hungry, huh? I may be able to help you with that." He swung his legs off the ledge and sat up. "I can give you some protein, if you want." To his surprise, Steve flushed to the tips of his ears. He glanced at the crotch area on Tony's suit, then quickly away.

Tony snorted.

"Geeze, Rogers, get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about a protein shake. I carry my own food, you know, for situations like this."

Steve's embarrassment only deepened. "I'm –I'm sorry I misunderstood. It's just... Sometimes the agents at SHIELD make jokes and I don't always -"

"Hey, it's ok," Tony said magnanimously. "I understand." That he'd engineered some of those jokes wasn't something he was about to get into right now. "I should have been more specific. So! You want some or not."

"Yes, please."

"Ok. Have a seat," he added cordially.

Steve sat next to Tony and waited.

"Do you like movies, Steve?" Tony asked conversationally. "Horror movies?"

"I do, yes."

"What about Vampire movies? I like those."

"Well. I haven't seen any recently."

"Really?" Tony pressed a couple of bolts on the left side of his chest plate, and a red tube instantly popped out of the neck area. It was a flexible straw, and in a normal situation all Tony had to do was turn his head and draw liquid from it.

He looked at Steve.

"Well. Go ahead." Huskily, he added, "Suck."

Steve turned crimson.

This is a one-shot story, but I can imagine what happens next: Tony will glance sideways at Steve, their faces so close together they could kiss if they chose to. And then Steve will pull back a little, his lips wet from the strawberry-flavored shake...

And all of a sudden Tony will realize (the hard, painful way), that erections have no place to go when one's wearing armor!

The End